Porn, prostitutes, reservations - help me

[katekong]

For the background: Dp and I have a toddler who's currently being assessed as the GP suspects she may be on the autistic spectrum. She has a number of challenging behaviours, one of which is only being able to sleep with me there or else waking hourly at best. As a result our sex life has suffered, though it's still at least once and usually twice per week. We have older dc too and I'm 16 weeks pregnant.

This morning I was trying to upload some photos of the dc from the weekend from his phone to our pc. I don't know what I pressed but a display came up of things open on each app - I.e the last facebook page he viewed, the last internet page he looked at, last photo he looked at etc. On one of the Windows was a porn video. Out of curiosity, I looked at his history to see what kind of porn it was. I don't have a particular problem with porn buy he's always said it doesn't interesthim and he doesn't watch it so I was curious.

In the history there was loads of porn, every day this week. It pissed me off unimaginable amounts that I've been laying for hours with our toddler, running around sorting out things for the other dc (including my dsc), doing everything around the house, working and being sick through pregnancy and he's sat about wanking.

Then I noticed something else. There was a Wikipedia page about call girls and before that an FAQ page about prostitution where the first part says technically it's legal as long as not soliciting. Dp would lose his beloved career if caught doing anything illegal so these searches say to me he's seen that call girls are legal and looked it up for more info. The next page is sport so perhaps he put a secret tab on after the Wikipedia search.

There's also a visit to the page of a restaurant with rooms about 1.5 hours away. He's visited the reservations page At present there are no plans for him to go there with work or anything though so I'm confused.

I'm not imagining the worst am I? This is all fucking bad news. The porn explains a lot as when we have had sex it's over in minutes and does nothing for me and he's said it's over quickly because it's so infrequent and he gets excited. Nothing to do with being used to quick wanks then!!

Part of me wants to confront him but then I also kind of want to wait to see if a trip to the place where the restaurant is materialises so I have him bang to rights. I've screenshot the history so he can't deny it. Tell me I'm not overreacting? The kids will be devastated if we split

To be fair OP had genuine reasons to believe he could have videoed it himself, that wasn't people speculating it was just a misunderstanding about how his phone works!

I don't believe there is much suggesting he visits/plans to visit an escort but I don't believe it can be completely ruled out.

It'd be interesting to know why he was on the booking page of the restaurant with rooms as OP has said further up thread it would be extremely unlikely it was for them to go together.

It could be innocent, it could be something seedy and we aren't in a position to say either way

FATHERJAKE The excessive porn use may not be an unusual issue as you say, but it's an issue that is negatively affecting the OP's life.

He's probably seen some porn that he'd like to try out with a paid professional. Madonnas/whore complex anyone. Trust your instincts. It's been proven time and time again that porn can be very harmful and de-sensitising.
You are obsessed with the lack of evidence OP has. It's not a court of law. Women's intuition and gut instinct are very powerful indicators when somebody you know well is up to no good.

The fact that you are sure he wouldn't be book a nice restaurant for you says a lot about how he doesn't make the OP feel special. There are some men out there who cherish and appreciate their partners. This guy sounds like a dirty old man wanking every chance he gets. Yuck. He needs to get a new hobby. He sounds like an inadequate.

No it's not a court of law, I am just stunned by some of the hysterical comments that have appeared throughout this thread when all that can be thrown at this bloke is he looked at 30 porn sites in a week. Anyway, hope all works out well. Porn has been discussed ad nauseam on here so i'll duck out.

You are minimising the personal effect it has on the OP's relationship.

Goodbye!

Porn debate aside, FJ use of the word "hysterical" is interesting.

hysteria (n)
hys·ter·i·a
[ hi stéeree ? ]

1.emotional instability caused by trauma: an emotionally unstable state brought about by a traumatic experience
2.state of extreme emotion: a state of extreme or exaggerated emotion such as excitement or panic, especially among large numbers of people
3.laughing or crying: uncontrollable laughter or crying

I assume FJ is referring to the second definition, alluding to "mass hysteria". Extreme? Perhaps, depends on where your own bar is set. Exaggerated? Perception if everything here, for some people porn may be much ado about nothing but to others (as clearly demonstrated on this thread), the after effects are far from exaggerated.

The first definition (for me), explain perhaps why people have such a strong emotional reaction on this thread.

"emotional instability caused by trauma"

There are so many posters who have been traumatised by the effects of pornography, the damage it caused to trust, intimacy and self worth. It is not surprising that these posters have a strong reaction after experiencing such trauma.

I may be a little late FJ, as you have so graciously bowed out of this thread but I would like to explore why you believe posters are being "hysterical" or whether or not it is a throw away use of a word without consideration of the actions that led them to have such strong opinions on porn.

OP, I am confused by your willingness to believe the worst of your DH. You opened the thread with the distressing time you are having with your lo, and accepting that her 'challenging behaviour' especially at night, had had a detrimental effect on your sex life . Your next paragraph contains the sentence ' I do not have a particular problem with porn ....'yet then go on to explain that a number of significant relationships have ended because of the man's involvement with porn..including the reason for the end off your previous marriage and that, in fact, given your experience, you have a big issue with porn...the problem IMO is that you are giving our mixed messages. Many many men watch porn, some do it openly, some prefer to keep it private. (my husband does the latter - is not secret, but he doesn't come home of an evening and tell me how he had enjoyed this great porn vid on his phone - it's simply private and everyone needs a little privacy ) I do not have a problem with porn - but I haven't had the experience you have had. I think you have to have a straight talk with your dh and explain that far from being ok with it, you are really uncomfortable with it and explain how you feel but please take a step back from assuming the worst. Ending a marriage because dh lied when caught our watching porn seems a very harsh reaction. Men lie when caught watching porn because they are embarrassed, often it is nothing more sinister than that.

The implication is not that the OP has an problems with porn, but previous partners had problems with it. She said she wasn't bothered if her DH watched some, the issue here is his excessive use while she has been:

"running around sorting out things for the other dc (including my dsc), doing everything around the house, working and being sick through pregnancy and he's sat about wanking."

Not only that but it's affected their sex life as well.

So, the problem is not with her but with her husband, what you personally think about porn is completely irrelevant.

Sassy when he starts preferring the porn to having a decent sex life with you then you may understand the OP. A lot of men start having unrealistic expectations about how their partners bodies should be etc.

Ultimately the porn has become a problem for her after all the shit it's caused her. What's not to understand about that? She probably wants to feel like she's enough for her husband. Special.
You've obviously accepted that you are not enough for your husband and he likes to get his rocks off fantasising about other women. Good for you. Not so good for the OP.

At the risk of derailing the thread, I think it's also sexist to immediately call any strong reaction by women as hysteria.

Male over-reactions are not usually classified as hysterical. Why?

Lweji - I was just thinking the same.
Women are "hysterical", men are "being a man and sticking up for themselves"

To be fair I called FJ 'hysterical' first, I think it was just payback.

:)
Ok, fair enough.

That's right FatherJake if a woman questions a man because he crossed a line then they are "hysterical"

FJ was actually being hysterical though I feel, I don't think all of the other posters were!

I would ask him to bring his phone home now. I would say that you have seen some things on it, so you will know if he has deleted them (but dont say what you have seen to allow him to delete other stuff OR the movie) and if he DOES delete anything that you have seen already you will know he is hiding more and thats the end.
he needs open phone. open password and for you to look at it uninterupted.

Precisely Twinkle. He knew about my previous relationships and swore he had zero interest. Therefore, the conversation never progressed to how I feel about itand prefer none of it. By saying I didn't mind some, I meant together or in addition to our sex life and being open and honest, which I made clear. However, when he said he had no interest there was no need for further discussion about how I feel about it.

I agree with Tella - the point of being married or in a monogamous relationship is that you have one person to focus your sexual attentions on. Otherwise, what's the point? What makes it so much worse is that I'm very sexually experimental and he has videos of us/me he could have used, but didn't. Therefore it's a clear choicebbetween me and another woman.

OP - another one here saying your feelings and views are valid.

It is depressing just how many threads on here start with "I don't have a problem with porn" and yet they are having issues due to porn. There are proven links between porn and infidelity - often via webcam and sex/escorts/dating sites.

Anyone who thinks porn is ok, have a look at

Great speech. And Ran is hawt. (sorry)

"You've obviously accepted that you are not enough for your husband and he likes to get his rocks off fantasising about other women."

I'm sorry but if you think the overwhelming majority of men, porn users or not, do not fantasise about other women, then it is you who has unrealistic expectations.

Thank you smokin. ...I am dyslexic op. ...so conversations tend to move to quick for me to take part...but I wanted to stop lurking to tell you I am really sorry your partner has put you in this horrible position. .. ..