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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn, prostitutes, reservations - help me

171 replies

katekong · 02/06/2014 09:58

For the background: Dp and I have a toddler who's currently being assessed as the GP suspects she may be on the autistic spectrum. She has a number of challenging behaviours, one of which is only being able to sleep with me there or else waking hourly at best. As a result our sex life has suffered, though it's still at least once and usually twice per week. We have older dc too and I'm 16 weeks pregnant.

This morning I was trying to upload some photos of the dc from the weekend from his phone to our pc. I don't know what I pressed but a display came up of things open on each app - I.e the last facebook page he viewed, the last internet page he looked at, last photo he looked at etc. On one of the Windows was a porn video. Out of curiosity, I looked at his history to see what kind of porn it was. I don't have a particular problem with porn buy he's always said it doesn't interesthim and he doesn't watch it so I was curious.

In the history there was loads of porn, every day this week. It pissed me off unimaginable amounts that I've been laying for hours with our toddler, running around sorting out things for the other dc (including my dsc), doing everything around the house, working and being sick through pregnancy and he's sat about wanking.

Then I noticed something else. There was a Wikipedia page about call girls and before that an FAQ page about prostitution where the first part says technically it's legal as long as not soliciting. Dp would lose his beloved career if caught doing anything illegal so these searches say to me he's seen that call girls are legal and looked it up for more info. The next page is sport so perhaps he put a secret tab on after the Wikipedia search.

There's also a visit to the page of a restaurant with rooms about 1.5 hours away. He's visited the reservations page Sad At present there are no plans for him to go there with work or anything though so I'm confused.

I'm not imagining the worst am I? This is all fucking bad news. The porn explains a lot as when we have had sex it's over in minutes and does nothing for me and he's said it's over quickly because it's so infrequent and he gets excited. Nothing to do with being used to quick wanks then!!

Part of me wants to confront him but then I also kind of want to wait to see if a trip to the place where the restaurant is materialises so I have him bang to rights. I've screenshot the history so he can't deny it. Tell me I'm not overreacting? The kids will be devastated if we split Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
katekong · 03/06/2014 21:10

thflg The history only showed the past week. During which time he's watched around thirty videos at least. That not 'every now and then'!

I couldn't keep seething any longer. Everything dodgy was on his phone rather than computer so unable to track everything. I wrote him an email while he was at work spelling out how he has lied, deceived and taken me for a fool and telling him how angry and upset I am. I asked him to give me space and stay elsewhere tonight, which he is. He replied to the email apologisingand saying 'i hope you love me enough to know I'm an idiot but had no intention of hurting you. I am disgusted with myself for watching it and making you doubt us' Hmm

OP posts:
clam · 03/06/2014 21:19

That doesn't even begin to cover it, in my view.

Original poster
katekong · 03/06/2014 21:28

He has 'no excuse besides stupidity' and 'promises never to visit those sites again.' Yes, because he's proven himself worthy of believing...!

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/06/2014 21:31

And the onus is on you to love him enough?

Original poster
katekong · 03/06/2014 21:40

Yes because if I have an issue with his behaviour it's obviously because I don't love him enough Hmm

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/06/2014 21:46

We have a saying that goes "Hell is full of (good) intentions".

He may not have intended to hurt you, but he did. And it wasn't an accident. He just didn't mean to hurt you, i.e. get caught.

Twinklestein · 03/06/2014 21:46

Who has the 'intention of hurting' someone apart from sociopaths?

He didn't intend to get caught either...

Original poster
katekong · 03/06/2014 21:55

Precisely. In my original email I asked how he'd feel if he discovered I'd been getting myself off to other men on the internet. Then Pointed out you shouldn't just treat your dp how you'd like to be treated after you've been caught out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/06/2014 22:21

"I hope you love me enough..."

God, this guy is goood

That is brilliant deflection...the implication that if you don't immediately forget what an absolute cock he is then the problem lies with you

Sweetie, he needs a kick right up the arse and out of your life for that comment alone

Original poster
katekong · 03/06/2014 22:38

Now it's an 'easy promise to make' that he wouldn't do it again because it's 'not something he would do regularly.' Over 30 videos in the one weeks history I happened to see is pretty fucking regular, don't you think?

OP posts:
LucyInTheSky78 · 04/06/2014 00:29

Hmm My husband told me I was the last person in the world he wanted to hurt. Those words exactly, when I first confronted him about porn.

It's a horrible fucking nightmare Kate. Actions speak louder than words.

Out of all the arguing that's gone on here, just please don't take anything for granted. And don't let your love for him obscure his behaviour. He's manipulating you already by questioning your love.

I'm going to say I think he'll cry next. Oscar performance tears.

Please be careful.

Eekaman · 04/06/2014 00:44

I'm with FatherJake on this - as he said, nothing has happened apart from a bit of porn browsing, which had previously been permitted and now half of MN is telling OP to kick him out.

I'm NOT saying he's doing the right thing, but on the other hand, he's losing a lot of intimacy with his loving and caring wife, he is feeling left out.

Lweji · 04/06/2014 00:55

I'm crying my heart out at his loss of intimacy with his loving and caring wife.

FatherJake · 04/06/2014 03:05

Aaaah so all this boils down to just another porn discussion. I assume the other stuff has now been realised as a red herring.

So he looked at some porn. You threw him out which was an absurd overreaction. He then pathetically grovelled to you which just adds fuel to the fire. The only thing he's done wrong in my opinion is to start prostating himself, begging forgiveness for something that is hardly unusual and making promises he simply won't keep.

Kick him out by all means and then explain to your kids in years to come that you divorced their dad because he watched some porn. Or you can stop acting like a couple of hysterical teenagers.

LettertoHerms · 04/06/2014 04:05

Kate - I seriously advise you to walk away from this thread now. This is mumsnet relationships at its worse, taking a marital issue and turning it into an absolute that the man is a cheating wanker and needs to be left. I'm so sick of seeing this happen.

No one on the internet will be able to know the truth. The only thing you can do is communicate with your husband. If you continue to post here, the same posters will rip your husband to shreds no matter what he says/does, and continue to tell you to leave him. You'd be much better off talking to someone neutral in the real world right now, if you need to talk to someone.

FatherJake · 04/06/2014 04:47

Couldn't agree more with LettertoHerms.

AF's comment below :

"Sweetie, he needs a kick right up the arse and out of your life for that comment alone".

So OP is now being advised to leave her husband and the father of her 3 kids. Seriously.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 07:02

Look, FJ, if manipulating your wife is something that you are quite comfortable with then of course you won't see any problem with this bloke's attitude. That says more about you than it does me.

Lweji · 04/06/2014 07:52

Or he may find it ok if his DD decides to do porn.

So, his mistake is that he apologised?

I still think he was on the way to a bigger mistake.
His mistake for now was to let his wife take the brunt and burden of child care and household while he was wanking away happily. Not to mention lying to her face about his values.

You know that shared values are important in a marriage?

Lweji · 04/06/2014 07:56

And not even giving her an orgasm.

Original poster
katekong · 04/06/2014 13:07

FatherJake I didn't throw him out, I asked him to stay elsewhere which he has the choice to do every day as there's accommodation attached to his work. It wasn't a dramatic showdown, I just asked for space because I can't think straight with him following me around like a puppy who's been told off. Eekaman porn hadn't 'previously been permitted.' I'd said to him I have no issue with porn use as long as we're both open about it.My first sserious relationship broke down because he had a secret porn habit, which then developed into phoning chat lines. My previous marriage broke down because he had a secret porn habit which he'd use instead of having sex, which developed into him looking at dating websites. Not to cheat, you understand, but to see if anyone he knew was on there Hmm Dp knows these things, so that makes his secret porn habit a big betrayal in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
katekong · 04/06/2014 13:10

And I agree, FatherJake, that apologising repeatedly and promising he'll never do it again is the wrong thing to do. It just says to me that he knew while doing it that it was wrong and deceptive but carried on anyway, that he's only sorry he's been caught and that he'd just be better at hiding it in future.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 14:06

FJ, you are accusing posters of making too much of a drama out of this. I'd said that it was you that was guilty of that. Nothing "dramatic" at all about taking a strong stance about something that crosses your boundaries. We should all do more of it...especially women.

Original poster
katekong · 04/06/2014 18:07

I'm worried there may be more to it. The website he was using to watch porn doesn't do downloads but he'd been watching the video I saw in the movie player on his phone. He has videos in there of us, I thought that app only played content recorded or sent to your phone Confused It's a Sony xperia t - does anyone know about them?

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 04/06/2014 18:19

For those who think a non-risk taking, careful man wouldn't go as far as visiting prostitutes, well my best friend from school contracted chlamydia from her ever-so-devoted 'D'H who was about as careful, non-risk taking, stick-in-the-mud as it was possible to be.
He got it from the prostitutes he visited.
With whom he had unprotected sex with.
We can never really know people I guess Sad

Hugs to you OP. Thanks You're dealing with an avalanche of shit right now.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 18:20

What do you mean he has "videos of us" in there ?

I am not sure what you mean (not very techy, me). Are you suggesting there is a possibility he has been sharing his own footage ?