Porn, prostitutes, reservations - help me

[katekong]

For the background: Dp and I have a toddler who's currently being assessed as the GP suspects she may be on the autistic spectrum. She has a number of challenging behaviours, one of which is only being able to sleep with me there or else waking hourly at best. As a result our sex life has suffered, though it's still at least once and usually twice per week. We have older dc too and I'm 16 weeks pregnant.

This morning I was trying to upload some photos of the dc from the weekend from his phone to our pc. I don't know what I pressed but a display came up of things open on each app - I.e the last facebook page he viewed, the last internet page he looked at, last photo he looked at etc. On one of the Windows was a porn video. Out of curiosity, I looked at his history to see what kind of porn it was. I don't have a particular problem with porn buy he's always said it doesn't interesthim and he doesn't watch it so I was curious.

In the history there was loads of porn, every day this week. It pissed me off unimaginable amounts that I've been laying for hours with our toddler, running around sorting out things for the other dc (including my dsc), doing everything around the house, working and being sick through pregnancy and he's sat about wanking.

Then I noticed something else. There was a Wikipedia page about call girls and before that an FAQ page about prostitution where the first part says technically it's legal as long as not soliciting. Dp would lose his beloved career if caught doing anything illegal so these searches say to me he's seen that call girls are legal and looked it up for more info. The next page is sport so perhaps he put a secret tab on after the Wikipedia search.

There's also a visit to the page of a restaurant with rooms about 1.5 hours away. He's visited the reservations page At present there are no plans for him to go there with work or anything though so I'm confused.

I'm not imagining the worst am I? This is all fucking bad news. The porn explains a lot as when we have had sex it's over in minutes and does nothing for me and he's said it's over quickly because it's so infrequent and he gets excited. Nothing to do with being used to quick wanks then!!

Part of me wants to confront him but then I also kind of want to wait to see if a trip to the place where the restaurant is materialises so I have him bang to rights. I've screenshot the history so he can't deny it. Tell me I'm not overreacting? The kids will be devastated if we split

People do battle on because they worry about the plans they had and potential impact of separation on DCs. You might think you're hiding this anxiety but think about the cumulative effect: this bombshell, plus eventual confrontation, then weighing up whether this will be fixed even if separation doesn't happens - that is damaging.

OP do what you think is best but fwiw I think you have enough to go on. 16 weeks' pregnant you surely don't need the stress of keeping this to yourself and hanging on for more proof. A big part of 'playing away' with OW or paid professional is the thrill of secrecy, getting away with it. I'd personally be inclined to pour icy cold water over any such gleeful anticipation.

Are you wondering whether this is what he did in the light of impending fatherhood back when DSCs were due and he continued thereafter? If so was that marriage 'unhappy' before or after that betrayal?
Or is this some new form of entertainment one step beyond what he can see on a screen. In which case better to nip it in the bud.

You are hurting your long term partner Mini.

And op, he is deceiving you too.

linkery, I am a bit confused as to why you are insisting on examining Mini's own relationship choices on this thread

she has given good advice here

yeah. I have realised I am doing a pa. Sorry mini.

What is a pa?

Personal attack. Which I don't agree that she was doing. It just seemed a bit odd to keep harping on about your circumstances which have no relevance to this thread. If you had tried to push open relationships or attempt to make op feel bad for choosing monogamy, then fair enough. But you didn't

Oh god OP, this is an awful thing to have found! I'm so sorry.

Yes, you are right on ALL counts, that's a hat trick of proof you have there, there is NO WAY he can explain all of this away.
It makes my blood boil when people say "all men watch porn, it's fine". They don't, and it's not.
The feeling you must have had when you saw all this...... You poor thing.
Yes, I'm sorry, he was looking at getting a prostitute, no question. He's a fucktard who doesn't deserve you.
Dump his stuff at his mates, change the locks and leave a print out of his web history on top of his packed bags, just in case there is any confusion.
At least you know you'll get a bit of child support money - he's obviously got enough to spend on porn and prostitutes.

You poor woman! You have DC to look after, your going through stress with your DD your pregnant, you still give him sex at least once a week and THIS is how he acts?! He's a complete wanker in every sence of the word. I know it's easy for people on here to say it but LTB! Researching what he has tells you all you need to know. What if he went with one of these prostitutes, caught something then passes in on to you while your pregnant? He's disgusting and if he was a real man he would be helping you more with DC, housework etc. Not sitting around with his dick in his hand. You and your DC need and deserve way more then this

you still give him sex at least once a week and...

Huh?

Ok, so I think I may have worked something out. He spoke last week about watching the my granny is an escort programme and the searches about prostitutes were the same night. He isn't particularly worldly wise and it's plausible he was researching the difference. I haven't confronted him or said anything but I do think it seems likely to be innocent, actually.

However, the porn still stands and I agree with the part sprite said so eloquently above that he shouldn't be sitting around with his dick in his hand while I'm doing everything. Particularly as he knows it's affecting our sex life as there's little incentive for me to sit up to all hours to escape our toddler for 3 mins of unsatisfying sex. If he had medical issues, fair enough, but he doesn't and wanking and porn is damaging our relationship.

Particularly as he's said repeatedly 'he doesn't have the time or inclination to wank' - why lie?

He says sex with you is over quickly (without him even attempting to do anything for you) because he gets too excited as "it's so infrequent?" Once or twice a week?! (leaving aside the number of kids, including one with sleep issues AND being pregnant).
Words fail me.

And that's before we even start on the rest of this.

for you.

Yes, in an ideal world he'd like it twice daily

It just annoys me that I suppose he's trying to flatter me by saying it's over quickly because he's so attracted to me when actually it's because he's used to a quick release and has god knows what images floating around his head.

So after the programme he went searching to see if there any grannies to fuck in your area then ?

What "difference" is he bamboozling you with talking about ???

I haven't spoken to him, Any.

He googled prostitution and escorts/call girls in general - as in factual information rather than to search for one.II'm presuming he watched the programme and wondered how they could be discussing it on tv if prostitution is illegal.

So, before this discovery, how were you feeling about letting him have sex on you once or twice a week?

Then you are bamboozling yourself

I'm not in denial, Any. He's a very attractive man (not to mention pretty darn tight) - he could find a shag for freeeeasily if that way inclined.

Clam I want to have sex with him. He does try and prolong it for me with foreplay but actual penetrative sex is short-lived, which isn't great for me. After the porn discovery it'll turn me off any time he tries something new as I'll know where his ideas stem from.

Love, do you think that attractive men never get attracted to the sleazy thrill of paying women to have sex with them ? Only men use prostitutes ?

OP, what is the excuse for the restaurant with rooms if the excuse for googling prostitutes is curiosity?

Please don't make excuses for him.
If it was the googling "prostitutes" alone on that night the programme was on I'd possibly give him the benefit of the doubt although still weird. But he's constantly watching porn, using you for sex and finding a restaurant with rooms

sorry, my second sentence should say ugly men

My apologies on the using you for sex based on your last post if he is genuinely trying to make sex good for you!

this is the reality of men who use prostitutes

They are your ordinary, average man. Your neighbour, your brother, your partner. That happens to hate women.

I can see you are not ready to face this though, so I shall bow out. You have no proof (yet) he has gone through with anything, but if I thought for one moment that my H had considered it I would never shag him again.