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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn, prostitutes, reservations - help me

171 replies

katekong · 02/06/2014 09:58

For the background: Dp and I have a toddler who's currently being assessed as the GP suspects she may be on the autistic spectrum. She has a number of challenging behaviours, one of which is only being able to sleep with me there or else waking hourly at best. As a result our sex life has suffered, though it's still at least once and usually twice per week. We have older dc too and I'm 16 weeks pregnant.

This morning I was trying to upload some photos of the dc from the weekend from his phone to our pc. I don't know what I pressed but a display came up of things open on each app - I.e the last facebook page he viewed, the last internet page he looked at, last photo he looked at etc. On one of the Windows was a porn video. Out of curiosity, I looked at his history to see what kind of porn it was. I don't have a particular problem with porn buy he's always said it doesn't interesthim and he doesn't watch it so I was curious.

In the history there was loads of porn, every day this week. It pissed me off unimaginable amounts that I've been laying for hours with our toddler, running around sorting out things for the other dc (including my dsc), doing everything around the house, working and being sick through pregnancy and he's sat about wanking.

Then I noticed something else. There was a Wikipedia page about call girls and before that an FAQ page about prostitution where the first part says technically it's legal as long as not soliciting. Dp would lose his beloved career if caught doing anything illegal so these searches say to me he's seen that call girls are legal and looked it up for more info. The next page is sport so perhaps he put a secret tab on after the Wikipedia search.

There's also a visit to the page of a restaurant with rooms about 1.5 hours away. He's visited the reservations page Sad At present there are no plans for him to go there with work or anything though so I'm confused.

I'm not imagining the worst am I? This is all fucking bad news. The porn explains a lot as when we have had sex it's over in minutes and does nothing for me and he's said it's over quickly because it's so infrequent and he gets excited. Nothing to do with being used to quick wanks then!!

Part of me wants to confront him but then I also kind of want to wait to see if a trip to the place where the restaurant is materialises so I have him bang to rights. I've screenshot the history so he can't deny it. Tell me I'm not overreacting? The kids will be devastated if we split Sad

OP posts:
HeyBungalowBill · 03/06/2014 10:47

His wife being pregnant wouldn't stop him from cheating.
I think it is 1 in 10 men cheat on their pregnant wife/girlfriend

Lweji · 03/06/2014 10:49

Yes, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all it. In fact I have no doubt if and when the OP challenges him, he'll have one ready.

I am curious as to what the reasonable explanation will be, actually, if he can find one. :)
I'm sure it will be hilarious. I'd be looking at him with a bemused look unless he came clean.

Lweji · 03/06/2014 10:50

Porn and not a great sex life are a million miles away from said bloke arranging to meet escorts for candlelit dinners and nights away while his wife is pregnant.

Not only there are many reports here of pregnant women finding out their partners have cheated while they were pregnant, as the fact that he's searching about meeting escorts makes the distance more in the tens of miles rather than millions.

Lweji · 03/06/2014 10:51

Father Jake, you are assuming this man has his child's best interests at heart and he is a decent bloke. Big assumption.

FatherJake · 03/06/2014 10:54

Are you all keen to see a marriage break up? Is this what mumsnet is about?

Of course OP should ask him but there are many entirely plausible explanations for the wikipedia and the restaurant with rooms. If he comes back with decent explanations there are clearly still people on here who will tell OP she is fooling herself.

FatherJake · 03/06/2014 10:55

Lweji - I am going on what OP said about him and on the fact that he is a worrier and hypochondriac. That's all.

FatherJake · 03/06/2014 10:57

Lweji - either you can't read or you are twisting words intentionally. He searched about the legality of prostitution. Not meeting escorts.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2014 11:07

If this marriage fails it wil be because of this bloke's deceit and his actions. That is all.

Twinklestein · 03/06/2014 11:11

FJ you're being quite hysterical.

No-one wants to see a marriage break up.

In the OP's position I'd rather factor in the worst, and then work back from that, then assume the best, and be traumatically disabused.

The reason for this is that a man guilty as charged would give the 'I thought about it but didn't do it, never done it before' line regardless, so the only hope of sniffing out the truth is to refuse to accept that point blank. If it turns out that genuinely is the truth then great.

You talk as if no man ever cheated with prostitutes when their wife was pregnant... perish the thought!

FatherJake · 03/06/2014 11:28

So while mumsnet lights its communal pitchfork I am called hysterical for suggesting there might be valid explanations!

Twinklestein · 03/06/2014 11:32

Clearly there are valid explanations - ie with sound basis in fact, but they may not be the ones you want them to be.

thflg · 03/06/2014 11:35

when we have had sex it's over in minutes and does nothing for me and he's said it's over quickly because it's so infrequent and he gets excited. Nothing to do with being used to quick wanks then!!

I appreciate you've had a bit of a shock but this theory makes no sense.

Lweji · 03/06/2014 12:21

You do have to read the bigger picture and it doesn't look good.

I think the OP is right to wait to see what he does next, but it still doesn't look good.

Original poster
katekong · 03/06/2014 13:02

thflg why doesn't it make sense?

I highly doubt the restaurant was for us as no one can care for our toddler but me. It's a Michelin starred restaurant and he thinks the local pub is expensive so it's really not his thing. Perhaps he saw it on tv and wondered how much it was? I don't know.

I do believe the Wikipedia searches are innocent. But the lying about porn and wanking is pretty disrespectfulin iitself in my opinion. I don't know whether to confront or wait. I can't stand him.touching me right now.

OP posts:
Fontella · 03/06/2014 13:07

Are you all keen to see a marriage break up? Is this what mumsnet is about?

Based upon what the OP has written about the activities of her husband who professes not to be interested in porn and not to watch it, at the very least he's a lying hypocrite - even you have to admit that surely, given that she's found 'unimaginable amounts' of it on his computer?

If he lies about the porn use (which he clearly does) then what else is he lying about? It's a perfectly reasonable assumption to make surely, that maybe something isn't right, particularly when the porn use is coupled with other things that have raised her concern?

Just because you don't happen to agree with my opinion or the opinions of others here, doesn't give you the right to make sweeping generalisations about Mumsnet, and talking in terms of 'communal pitchforks'. It's hard to imagine a forum where the contributors know more about the modus operandi of cheating husbands than this one – collectively we've probably heard every lie and excuse in the book and then some. In my personal experience based upon what the OP has told us, something is off here. I'm not going to say 'oh I'm sure it's all perfectly innocent' if I don't think it is, am I?

The OP asked for opinions and she's got them, including yours. It's up to her to take from them what she will. I'm sure she's more than capable of doing that and I sincerely hope for her sake that there are 'valid explanations'.

Sassyb0703 · 03/06/2014 13:49

I think everyone needs to calm down and the two important people in this relationship need to sit down and talk to each other. I have only been on MN for a couple of weeks and am quite shocked by what I can only describe as unbridled enthusiasm for a marriage break up, which may or may not result in the OP deciding not to continue her pregnancy as a result...not to mention the complete destruction of the childrens world's. Based on what exactly ? he watches porn (which the OP stated at the start she doesn't have an issue with ) he has looked up prostitutes on Wikipedia and looked at a restaurant which happens to have rooms..added to this "overwhelming evidence" (!) he has developed the habit of coming in a couple of minutes when they have sex, which seems to be the final length of rope with which he has hung himself as this only goes to prove a head full of porn ! without giving condsideration to the fact that one of the first things OP says is that due to DC difficult sleeping pattern at present their private life has been considerably
affected..could this not also be a reason for 'a quickie' ? Is it not possible he is just getting his jollies before the child /children wake up and put a stop to it ? OP has been with this man for some time, give her credit for knowing her man and also being smart enough to work out when he is lying. Instead of jumping to conclusions and destroying a family, how about encouraging mature dialogue between both parties. IMO the stakes are way to high for guess work and supposition not to mention, the right to defend oneself being a fundamental human right. ! I am new and do not know the back stories of the posters on this thread.but reading between the lines it seems a lot of ladies here have been through the trauma of infidelity and family breakup and as such seem convinced to assume the worst.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2014 13:59

Perhaps he saw it on tv and wondered how much it was?

kate, this is what I mean by you are bamboozling yourself

you are making his excuses for him again...already you have concluded that he was searching information about escorts because there happened to be a programme on the telly about it without even asking him

he doesn't even have to try to wriggle out of this...you are doing a great job of that on his behalf Sad

FatherJake · 03/06/2014 14:17

He looked up a michelin star restaurant with rooms and there is suspicion about prostitutes? Why in god's name would someone who was a bit tight take a prostitute to a michelin star restaurant with rooms? This is becoming insane.

And once again OP is apparently being bamboozled because she doesn't automatically think the search was for somewhere to take a prostitute.

I know he's been looking at some porn but this is all going way, way overboard IMO.

HeyBungalowBill · 03/06/2014 14:45

FJ there are men out there who send extremely expensive gifts to women who they've met on the internet just because they're attractive. They want to send them designer handbags, shoes, jewellery etc and don't receive anything more than chat and a bit of flirting in return. They get a buzz out of it.

So a man to wine and dine a prostitute could be a similar thing to that?

HeyBungalowBill · 03/06/2014 14:46

I am not insisting this is what OPs husband is up to, but FJ you seem to be ruling out things constantly that you believe cannot possibly be happening but they actually do happen to some people

LucyInTheSky78 · 03/06/2014 14:56

Monitor the computer I say. It's the only way to truly know the truth as there are already trust issues.

If you find nothing regarding prostitutes then you will know once and for all. If there are searches for prostitutes then you will have saved yourself a lot of time and a lot of painful wondering.

If it turns out he hasn't been messing with prostitutes then I think you both need to talk anyway regarding the lying about porn.

Gen35 · 03/06/2014 15:01

Tbh the risk to the baby you are carrying would be enough for me to confront him, and I'd also install k9 just before that if I was convinced enough it was innocent to carry on. Personally he'd have completely lost my trust, the restaurant with rooms thing doesn't make sense and doesn't look innocent.

thflg · 03/06/2014 15:06

thflg why doesn't it make sense?

If having quick wanks every now and again caused men to suffer from premature ejaculation 99% of men would have the same problem.

Lweji · 03/06/2014 15:06

Why in god's name would someone who was a bit tight take a prostitute to a michelin star restaurant with rooms?

It depends on what he is tight with.
I know at least one man who is tight with his family, but splashes out on gadgets.

thflg · 03/06/2014 15:15

Why in god's name would someone who was a bit tight take a prostitute to a michelin star restaurant with rooms?

It depends on what he is tight with.
I know at least one man who is tight with his family, but splashes out on gadgets.

Maybe that's the reason, but as far as using it as evidence goes, you'd have to file it under "highly tenous".