Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

will you please answer these 2 question. would you leave and why?

179 replies

pollyanna0702 · 26/05/2014 19:48

Hi there, I have NC. I have posted before about my marriage but only in bits, usually whats bothering me the most at the time. I want to explain the full sad story and ask you to give me your advice on what you would do if you were me and what bits would bother you the most. I ask because I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore. Things are so ingrained. Thank you in advance for reading. This will be long.
Been with dh 22 years. 2 dc 7 and 16.
I will try and start with the early behaviour and work forward. Its a list I'm afraid as a story would be a book.

Met h mid teens, no other relationship. He is 6 years older than me.

He would squeeze my hands till they hurt then laugh and say it was a joke.

He would ring and say im coming now and expect me to drop everything and be readyIin minutes.

He expected me to clean him up after being intimate.

He would constantly ask if I had done something he asked over and over again. If I hadn't he asks why not so I have to make excuses.

After dc he never once got up in the night to feed or change because I was on ml.

He hates it when im ill and mocks that I'm putting it on.

Doesn't have any empathy for anyone ever.

Never says sorry

Moans about the mess. Even if I've cleaned he will find something to pick on.

Doesn't tell me he loves me.

Blocks my nose and flicks my lips when im going to sleep because he liles to fiddle with me.

I fell down the stairs into the living room, he was sat on the sofa just feet away and he didn't move or say anything.

If im asleep and my foot is hanging out of the bed he will scrape his nail dpwn the sole of my foot and make me wake up in shock.

If hes giving me a taste of something he has made he puts the spoon to my mouth gently but then rams it in against my teeth.

Criticises my driving

Asks me to get something say from the kitchen, if grumble whilst doing it, I hand him it and he says "it wasn't hard was it"

Cant stand it if im asleep. He has woken me up by grabbing my feet. I roused and he rubbed my face with his bare hands. I said I could hit you, he went upstairs and told our dc did you hear that, mum wants to hit me, thats abusive that is.

Lifts the end of my nose as he walks past me and says, hey piggy.

There's more but I think you get the idea. Is he autistic or just not very nice. Are any of these things normal? Would you stay and try and sort or would you go? Ive left before for a week but came back. He said it was daft to split up over something so stupid.

OP posts:
marthabear · 30/05/2014 21:31

How have you been the last couple of days OP?

Tottie24 · 31/05/2014 00:07

I feel very sad reading this, I think he is really mean. The choice is yours but I don't think it is healthy or ok for the kids to see any adult treating another in this way let alone a husband to his wife, it is really not normal or ok, I feel you deserve more.

Granville72 · 31/05/2014 14:33

You need to leave and give you and the children the future they deserve

beccajoh · 31/05/2014 14:39

I haven't read the whole thread, just the first post, but this man is an abusive bully. He doesn't care about you. He gets a kick out of all this. He's a vile individual and your children shouldn't be around any of this, even if he is their father (sperm donor really because he involves them in his bullying.)

rainbowfeet · 31/05/2014 14:40

He sounds like a vile sadistic abuser who likes to feel he controls you with an air of fear!!.. That is not normal!!
Get out & be happy.. Life is too short to let this person treat you with such contempt when he should be loving, respecting & protecting you.

Even if you think your children don't witness it they can pick up on how unhappy you are & you don't want them to think this is normal.

Please leaveGrin

beccajoh · 31/05/2014 14:40

And yes I would leave.

Original poster
pollyanna0702 · 31/05/2014 20:50

Thank you for the advice. I need it. Over the last few days I have been gathering my documents together. I have spoken to my lovely sister who has said she can definitely lend me the money. I will keep posting. Thank you all again.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 31/05/2014 21:27

Well done love, you can do it. Smile

GarlicMayonnaise · 31/05/2014 22:03

It's so great you have validation from your sister - that's as important as the money, in its own way. Flowers and encouragement for you.

Jux · 31/05/2014 23:40

Well done Pollyanna. What a lovely sister, it makes so much difference having validation and support in rl. You will get there, you and your children will have happy lives soon Thanks

Roussette · 01/06/2014 09:01

Pollyanna that's great news. Having someone 'onside' will make all the difference. Keep strong and don't alert your husband as to what you are doing. Good luck.

gatofeliz · 01/06/2014 09:15

I've just read your thread Pollyanna.

I know you are gathering paperwork and bits but also if you get the chance, start moving those precious things like boxes of photos over to your sisters house for her to tuck away safely. If you do little and often he wont notice and you'll be surprised how much of what you have got means very little to you!

I've been through this and whilst it wasnt easy i did it and have so far had an extremely happier 9 years.

Your Dsis sounds great Thanks

marthabear · 01/06/2014 11:01

Thinking of you and wishing you strength. Good advice in the last few posts about moving things and not alerting him.

BertieBotts · 01/06/2014 11:28

On the feeling you owe him a face to face explanation, I had this and it was really strong. It was mumsnet that made me realise that I didn't need to do that.

Think about it this way. You have tried to discuss the state of the relationship, and he doesn't engage, in fact he twists it and makes you feel bad. You can't have a discussion about it. You've tried to leave in the past and he dismisses everything and says it's not a good enough reason to leave.

He's not open to this discussion, he's not interested in an explanation. He's not going to accept it even if you give it to him straight - there is nothing that you can put to him which he would accept without question. This is because he does not think the way you do about relationships, he doesn't see you as a person with your own ideas and feelings and dreams, he sees you as his possession, and nope, his possessions don't get to go running off so easily.

When he won't accept that the relationship is over, you need to make it be over, and then he can't froth about it any more (well, he can, but you won't be there to be affected by it!) It doesn't matter what you say to him, he will never give you the option to leave. So you need to step away from the notion that you need to ask his permission for everything, and start taking control for yourself. It's a scary big new step but it is the way to the rest of your wonderful, free, your own life. You can do it.

AgathaF · 01/06/2014 13:21

That's brilliant that you have support and some financial help from your sister.

I also second gatofeliz's sound advice to move anything of value to you or your children out of the house as soon as you can.

cutefluffybunnes · 02/06/2014 17:55

So glad that you are putting your plan to leave into action. Good luck to your DC on the exams, too. You can be ready to leave as soon as the exams finish.

eddielizzard · 02/06/2014 19:02

i would be very wary of telling him face to face. he hurts you often for no reason at all. what would he do if he knew you were leaving?

please protect yourself and just get out.

you do not owe him anything. he owes you for subjecting you to physical and emotional abuse. he is scum.

joanofarchitrave · 02/06/2014 19:16

I would agree with posters above who say not to talk to him face to face.

Even if he doesn't hurt you, he will try to tie you up in knots by arguing the toss about any individual thing you bring up and showing to his own satisfaction how your statement is wrong. I would put money on you finding this so stressful that your mind goes blank and you end up coming up with things that he will minimise and laugh at. You are spending a lot of energy already worrying about him being hurt or his life being turned upside down. In the meantime he has rendered you unable to sleep safely.

Once you are at a safe distance, if you want to give him an explanation, you could say something like 'I want a different life'. If he tries to argue about that, stick to the broken record. 'I just want a different life/When I think about my life, I want it to change./I am making changes in my life'. He will undoubtedly try to argue about that but it gives him no hand holds to do so, if you stick to the broken record.

Print off this thread and keep it somewhere for yourself. Add more detail if you like (your own notes if you don't want it public) about all the family days and times he has spoiled (I would bet my life) and all the things that seem so tiny but which collectively have simply eroded your own sense of what is a reasonable and rational way to live.

Navybluetutu · 02/06/2014 19:22

I would be very frightened to live with anyone who treated me this way. It is not normal behaviour. If possible I would put a plan in place to leave.

Navybluetutu · 02/06/2014 19:23

Sorry didnt notice so many replies already. Very best of luck in getting out and being happy x

Original poster
pollyanna0702 · 02/06/2014 20:25

All comments are really appreciated, I keep reading and re reading. Thank you for the good luck wishes.

I know you are right about the face to face thing. When I left before and left a note One of his comments was "have you got any idea of what its like to come home from work and find your family gone"? So I thought if that was me how horrible that feeling is. When we discussed things afterwards I tried to broach his attitude, the not letting me sleep, getting angry with the kids etc. He replied "well you leave the empty toilet roll holder on the radiator, why the fuck cant you just put it in the bin". I was speechless that he thought that was a reasonable comparison, but he did tie me in knots like you say and I came back. God I can't believe I had the chance then and didn't take it.
Still planning. Looking at rentals is next.

OP posts:
cutefluffybunnes · 02/06/2014 21:10

"have you got any idea of what its like to come home from work and find your family gone"?

"Have you got any idea what it's been like living with your abuse for the past two decades?"

But really, don't do that. No slanging matches. No pointless arguments. His opinion really does not matter. Just go. If he wants to talk it out, he can find himself a therapist. You're no longer available.

Start looking at rentals - that's an excellent idea.

CarbeDiem · 03/06/2014 04:28

I can't really add any more to what's already been said but just want to give my support to you Pollyanna

You are doing the right thing and please believe all the lovelies here - You are not stupid nor have you let your dc down in any way shape or form. It's 100% HIS fault.
Domestic violence and abusive relationships are abundant on this board but honestly your op is one of the most shocking things I've read in a long time. That bastards treatment of you, how sly, calculating and controlled sent shivers down my spine.
I wish you the very best of luck.

AgathaF · 03/06/2014 07:11

have you got any idea of what its like to come home from work and find your family gone - if you are an abusive moron, that is always the risk that you are taking by your behaviours and actions.

He had his chance when you came back before. He could have changed then, if he'd cared, he could have modified his behaviour. He didn't. He chose not to.

You owe him nothing. You don't need to consider his feelings. The future is about you and your DC.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/06/2014 07:53

Blush I won't tell you how many times I went back before I finally left for good.

It's so common to have a couple of false starts :)

You're doing incredibly.

If you do have to do this face to face (and you really don't have to, but it's up to you), just keep repeating, "I'm tired of being ground down by constantly being mocked when you physically hurt me."

When he replies with "but you leave the loo roll on"

Just keep responding with "it's not relevant, I'm not happy"

Because that's the crux of it, he treats you in ways that make you unhappy. Show your dcs the consequence of that action.

You'll be happy again. You really will.