will you please answer these 2 question. would you leave and why?

[pollyanna0702]

Hi there, I have NC. I have posted before about my marriage but only in bits, usually whats bothering me the most at the time. I want to explain the full sad story and ask you to give me your advice on what you would do if you were me and what bits would bother you the most. I ask because I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore. Things are so ingrained. Thank you in advance for reading. This will be long.
Been with dh 22 years. 2 dc 7 and 16.
I will try and start with the early behaviour and work forward. Its a list I'm afraid as a story would be a book.

Met h mid teens, no other relationship. He is 6 years older than me.

He would squeeze my hands till they hurt then laugh and say it was a joke.

He would ring and say im coming now and expect me to drop everything and be readyIin minutes.

He expected me to clean him up after being intimate.

He would constantly ask if I had done something he asked over and over again. If I hadn't he asks why not so I have to make excuses.

After dc he never once got up in the night to feed or change because I was on ml.

He hates it when im ill and mocks that I'm putting it on.

Doesn't have any empathy for anyone ever.

Never says sorry

Moans about the mess. Even if I've cleaned he will find something to pick on.

Doesn't tell me he loves me.

Blocks my nose and flicks my lips when im going to sleep because he liles to fiddle with me.

I fell down the stairs into the living room, he was sat on the sofa just feet away and he didn't move or say anything.

If im asleep and my foot is hanging out of the bed he will scrape his nail dpwn the sole of my foot and make me wake up in shock.

If hes giving me a taste of something he has made he puts the spoon to my mouth gently but then rams it in against my teeth.

Criticises my driving

Asks me to get something say from the kitchen, if grumble whilst doing it, I hand him it and he says "it wasn't hard was it"

Cant stand it if im asleep. He has woken me up by grabbing my feet. I roused and he rubbed my face with his bare hands. I said I could hit you, he went upstairs and told our dc did you hear that, mum wants to hit me, thats abusive that is.

Lifts the end of my nose as he walks past me and says, hey piggy.

There's more but I think you get the idea. Is he autistic or just not very nice. Are any of these things normal? Would you stay and try and sort or would you go? Ive left before for a week but came back. He said it was daft to split up over something so stupid.

• antisocial or psychopathic

He is a sadistic cunt. If you were my daughter, I'd have hard time refraining from killing this man.

He's a psycho!!!!

You need out and he needs help.

Your post has really hit home to me because I can finally see that my exh did many of the same things, especially the bit about bring asleep. He just used to make as much noise as he could though to wake me up, and generally the kids too but would never go to them in the night.

It does drip drip drip away over years without you realising. It ate me up. I lost a part of myself because I was constantly on pins with anxiety.

We separated last year after 23 yrs. I truly didn't realise how bad it was until after he'd gone. I feel like a huge black cloud has been lifted off my head. I've found myself again. I'm happier than I've been in years.

You have my full and utter sympathy. I know exactly how you feel. It will never get any better. Please find a way to leave, if you can.

He also used to do the 'I'm only JOKING' comment after saying something particularly nasty. So you doubt yourself and think you're overreacting.

He is an abusive bully who has ground you down from the start. Or so it sounds.
You haven't colluded with him and made him act like this, that is a silly and irresponsible statement to make. Abuse doesn't start with being nearly beat to death. It starts with little things which sound daft or insignificant, then they wear you down and it all becomes the norm. One day you realise what has been happening and you need to get out.

You need to start thinking about your own happiness, does it matter that he hasn't hit you? No it doesn't. He is making you feel bad and he is controlling you. You shouldn't feel like that in a secure relationship. The longer this goes on the more the abuse will get to you and the harder it will be to make a stand and get out of this relationship.

I would definitely leave

He is a vile abuser.
What would you say if one day your DC told you they were in relationships like this?

Oh my God! He is so abusive and you know what, you have become conditioned to it over time.

Please please leave and honestly, don't let him know you intend to go.

To say he is abusive, I think, is putting it mildly.

I don't know where you live but if I could help you I would.

Im overwhelmed by the replies thank you. As for the dcs, it was behaviour towards them that made me leave last time. I had some counselling for 8 weeks. She was good but I wanted her to tell me how she saw the situation. But she wouldn't, she wanted me to come to my own conclusion. I know this sounds stupid but I couldn't do it, I don't know what is normal, I don't have anything to compare to I.just wanted her to tell me.

She did say my bar is set high for me putting up with things but the same bar is set.much lower when it comes to the dc, I tolerate much less.

I

Believe me ive read and read about what he could be. Narcissism, personality disorders etc but the counsellor did say the time and emotional energy spent with all the whys keep you stuck where you are. So ive been trying tp focus on how I feel but its so confusing when I don't know my own opinions or thoughts. I think thats why its taking me so long.

Don't wait until he does it to the DC's again. Leave now. I don't say this very often but he's an evil bastard and he's not going to stop being an evil bastard even if you post here about him for the rest of your life. Please get out.

I did the same, kept trying to find a reason to explain why he did it.

There were two things that happened last year that were 'lightbulb' moments for me. One was when I fell over and he just walked off. The final final straw was when he turned on dd. He said something horrible to her in public, made out he was 'only joking' again. I knew then I had to get away from him or she would end up getting the same abuse from him.

Try to find your 'lightbulb moment' and make your move.

Ah, OK. I am with you and yes, there is little point in analysing him to death.

What was your childhood like OP? Mine was shite and abusive which led me to accept situations others would have run from.

Your self esteem is probably in the toilet after years of this. All I can say is that you will feel so much better once you are rid of this deadweight fuckwit.

The fact you have put up with it for so long does not provide justification for staying where you are.

Joint mortgage, 30k ish equity I think. So half would be enough to start me off in a little rented house somewhere.

Ive re read the whole thread three times. Thank you all.

It's unanimous then, everyone thinks you should LTB. Hopefully it's helped clarify your thoughts and feelings. You've done it before, you can do it again but this time make it permanent for your sanity and well being and that of your children. Start putting your escape plan in place. Good luck Pollyanna.

He would squeeze my hands till they hurt then laugh and say it was a joke.

Yes, I would leave. That ^ was 1st/2nd on your list. That would be enough for me dump - and I'm not joking. Deliberately hurting someone else and then laughing/calling it a joke is not something I can tolerate in others.

He just sounds like he enjoys being cruel, and having someone to wait on him. Don't bother analysing him, just start to sever ties with him.

Oh love, I welled up reading that :(
You've had so many years of it you're ground down... and no reference point before him to know it really isn't normal.
All of it is awful. But the thought of him ramming a spoon into your teeth made me actually cry. Because the other things he just "does". But the spoon - he makes you open your mouth when you know what might be coming. I suppose because you're too scared of his reaction if you don't taste whatever it is. How you must feel in that moment feeling you have to open your mouth and knowing what he might do... that made me cry for you.

What a disgusting, calculating piece of shit he is.

Leave, you poor thing. See Women's Aid for support.
Best of luck to you. Your life is going to be immeasurably better without him x

You can leave for any or all of the above. You can leave because of stuff you haven't told us. You can leave because he pissed you off one day. You are your own boss and you do not know anyone, least of all him, an explanation. You are fully and completely justified and you do not ever need to explain your reasoning to him.

So stop waiting to feel like you have a real reason to leave. He is an utter arse and you will be so free and happy and light without him dragging you down and casually torturing you and treating you like you are beneath love & respect.

Should we start talking about the practicalities? You should book an appointment with a solicitor who can help you get started on your new life.

My children are both autistic. They would NEVER treat anyone like that. I agree with the others who say dont even bother analysing him.

he hates you.

dont stay with someone who hates you.

Yes, leave him? Why? because he doesn't love you or make you happy.

He despises you - it isn't just hate. He belittles and despises you. You wouldn't tease a cat like that or any sort of animal and if my DH did just one of those things I would think he was having a breakdown or had lost the plot, because it is such an extraordinarily awful way to behave.

Be brave - someone said upthread how a cloud lifted when they left their abusive ex - it could be a matter of days/weeks that the cloud lifts for you.

He's vile, sorry to say that about your husband, but he is.

It's all low level, subtle abuse so that if you ever told anyone about any event in isolation, he would hope that you'd look as if you had just misunderstood him. Everything you have written about indicates that he enjoys seeing you experience discomfort and pain, albeit mild.

However, some things are really quite worrying, such as him not moving when you fell down the stairs, him squeezing your hands until they hurt, being unable to show empathy to people and mocking you when you are ill. At best, he is emotionally cold and insensitive. When considered alongside everything else he does, things like him making you clean him up after sex and him blocking your nose seem very controlling and keen to assert his power over you.

I genuinely wonder if he likes women.

Ps by 'mild pain' I am in no way excusing what he does. I just mean that because he isn't causing you severe physical pain with the spoon etc, that it doesn't make it any less unacceptable.

My childhood was pretty normal I think. Dad worked, mum looked after us. No abuse or anything like that. I have a lovely sister who I confide him. She is supportive and would lend me some money to get started until the house was sold. I would need to find somewhere and find out if I can claim any help as I work part time.

The pinching of the nose he does that too cabrinha so hard sometimes it leaves a little blood love bite type mark on the end. And he squashes my 4 fingers until my knuckles crack.

The 'only joking' is said all the time if I try to retaliate after a put down.

If I could accept he really hates me I think I would feel better in a way.

The thread has given me clarity.

Wtf are doing with this monster?