will you please answer these 2 question. would you leave and why?

[pollyanna0702]

Hi there, I have NC. I have posted before about my marriage but only in bits, usually whats bothering me the most at the time. I want to explain the full sad story and ask you to give me your advice on what you would do if you were me and what bits would bother you the most. I ask because I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore. Things are so ingrained. Thank you in advance for reading. This will be long.
Been with dh 22 years. 2 dc 7 and 16.
I will try and start with the early behaviour and work forward. Its a list I'm afraid as a story would be a book.

Met h mid teens, no other relationship. He is 6 years older than me.

He would squeeze my hands till they hurt then laugh and say it was a joke.

He would ring and say im coming now and expect me to drop everything and be readyIin minutes.

He expected me to clean him up after being intimate.

He would constantly ask if I had done something he asked over and over again. If I hadn't he asks why not so I have to make excuses.

After dc he never once got up in the night to feed or change because I was on ml.

He hates it when im ill and mocks that I'm putting it on.

Doesn't have any empathy for anyone ever.

Never says sorry

Moans about the mess. Even if I've cleaned he will find something to pick on.

Doesn't tell me he loves me.

Blocks my nose and flicks my lips when im going to sleep because he liles to fiddle with me.

I fell down the stairs into the living room, he was sat on the sofa just feet away and he didn't move or say anything.

If im asleep and my foot is hanging out of the bed he will scrape his nail dpwn the sole of my foot and make me wake up in shock.

If hes giving me a taste of something he has made he puts the spoon to my mouth gently but then rams it in against my teeth.

Criticises my driving

Asks me to get something say from the kitchen, if grumble whilst doing it, I hand him it and he says "it wasn't hard was it"

Cant stand it if im asleep. He has woken me up by grabbing my feet. I roused and he rubbed my face with his bare hands. I said I could hit you, he went upstairs and told our dc did you hear that, mum wants to hit me, thats abusive that is.

Lifts the end of my nose as he walks past me and says, hey piggy.

There's more but I think you get the idea. Is he autistic or just not very nice. Are any of these things normal? Would you stay and try and sort or would you go? Ive left before for a week but came back. He said it was daft to split up over something so stupid.

My son is autistic and I work for an autistic charity so I have met quite a few people with autism. They're not abusive people who spend their time attacking and bullying others.

Does he actually have a lack of empathy or does he just not care about other people?

Leaving can seem like a huge step, but you can take it piece by piece. Contact women's aid and just have a chat with them, explaining some of the things you've mentioned here. Then they can help you decide where to go from there.

To answer your original question, yes I'd leave without a doubt.

This is the first thread to really choke me up on here. My God, this is just awful. I am so glad that you have people like your sister to help you. This is no way to live.

If you were to say really strongly "you are not joking. Don't you EVER touch me like that again or say you are only joking" how would he react? Would you feel strong enough for that?

I think this is worse than hate.

A lot of those things sound really twisted. Some in isolation wouldn't be bad but all together it's mental.
I would not be with this person. He had zero care or consideration. He just sees you as plaything.

I agree, Rousette- in some ways, hate would be easy to identify. This man is making Pollyanna doubt her own mind: 'if I could accept he really hated me, I think I would feel better in a way.'

Ok well for starters, stop making excuses for him. This is not autism or anything like that. the lack of empathy that comes from being on the autistic spectrum can result in things like a person being too blunt - not understanding that honest feedback might hurt your feelings (just for example). In no way does it make a person seek to actively hurt and belittle another person.

(1) Yes.

(2) Because you have one life and it's too short to spend with somebody who doesn't give a shit about you.

Please leave him.

"You can leave for any or all of the above. You can leave because of stuff you haven't told us. You can leave because he pissed you off one day. You are your own boss and you do not know anyone, least of all him, an explanation. You are fully and completely justified and you do not ever need to explain your reasoning to him."

This is so true.

I just wanted to add my voice to the choir - he is being abusive, there is no other way to describe it. 22 years is a long time to waste on someone like that. Don't make it 23.

Agree RedRoom. I'm sure lots of us have the odd person here and there we can't stand but we wouldn't do anything to them, we wouldn't belittle, demean and despise them which is what Pollyanna's H is doing. He has slowly worn you down Pollyanna until you don't know what 'normal' and 'ordinary' is. This is neither. I wish you strength and I am so so glad you came on here to ask MNers opinions.

He is a prick, please leave

Sounds a bit like what happened to Nigella Lawson to me.

Phone Women's Aid, ask your GP for counselling, investigate the Freedom Programme. It's time you started garnering support in rl. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed - he has done this, has brought things to this stage, him. Not you.

Meanwhile, find and copy his bank statements and any other financial information. Hide these copies at work. Also, changes of clothes for you and dcs (just in case you need to leave in a hurry), a few special toys/books etc. Make sure that you are not permanently logged into MN - untick that little box on the login page. Check that your computer doesn't store passwords.

Be careful now. Your h is physically abusing you, and if he thinks you're leaving he'll get worse very quickly, so try to act the same as you always do while you're thinking about all this.

It is a horrible life, and it must be stressful for your children as well. I wish you the very best in getting away from him. There is a good, fulfilling, happy and joyful life out there for all of you, just not with this vile bully. Reach out and grab it.

Of course he hates you. He is filled with contempt for you and he enjoys hurting you and demeaning you to an extent that reads as psychopathic (not diagnosing an actual condition! Just cant think of another word for it). And this is the model for their relationships that your children are being hardwired to seek out, replicate, accept.

There is no reason on earth why you should stay with him. You deserve so much better. You dont need anyones permission to leave him. He is abusing you. You dont deserve that.

You don't need to worry about what to say to him and when to pluck up the courage to do it because you know he will laugh, sneer, belittle and shout at you and tell you you are being stupid and over reacting. I doubt he will listen and understand any of it. But i suppose you could write out this list and leave it for him when you finally go.

Make plans now. Get everything you need in terms of important documents relating to the house, legal matters etc Is there anywhere you could stay for the time being and people around to support you? Get more legal advice regarding the house and see your solicitor.

I'd just want to leave him to it. He will probably react in two ways, declare his undying love with a barrage of poor me texts and calls (ignore) or get angry and nasty. I wonder how he treats your eldest child and what their relationship is like?

I should imagine when you met him you were still at school and he must have been about 21 - which at that age is a big gap. He has never treated you equally and with respect and the falling down the stairs bit...well, you wouldn't ignore that. That's frankly odd and sadistic.

Don't look back. You are still young and have the rest of your life to look forward to.

OP I feel so sad reading this and want to give you a massive hug

I really hope you get out of the marriage and find the happy life you should have been living all this time.

Do your DC's see what he is like? Do you have their support for when you want to leave?

I'm so glad to hear that your sister understands what is happening and is supportive.

Please do not feel that you owe him any sort of explanation. He will use anything you say against you, mercilessly. When he asks why you are leaving, you can simply say, Because I want to. That's it.

You sound content to leave the family home and find a new place with the DC, is that right?

Does your sister live nearby? Could you stay with her? Are you in a position to secure rented housing straight away? If so, see both a solicitor AND an estate agent as soon as possible. CAB can help with benefits you may be entitled to - claim it all! You and the DC could be in your own home very, very quickly.

You need to round up all important documents - passports, birth certificates, pension information, bank & savings account details. Make sure to take sentimental things like photo albums that you fear he may damage in a rage. Who has a good, comprehensive list of things for Pollyanna to secure?

please leave. I eventually left someone with a much milder form of this last year.. I am happy and free beyond what I thought possible x

He is positively awful. People who love and respect you don't treat you in a manner that makes you feel bad, they treat you in a way that makes you feel good and enhances your well being. I've come from an abusive upbringing and am only starting to learn that for myself.

Yes I would leave because he is an arse. And your children will learn that this treatment of loved ones is 'normal'. With a H like that, who needs enemies?

So so sorry you are going through this.
Sleep deprivation (every time he disturbs your sleep) is a recognized form of torture. Minimizing and dismissing physical pain he is causing you is brainwashing washing you into being a compliant victim.

Yes leave him (presuming you would move rather than going through the discussions of getting him to leave). I would recommend Katie Holmes strategy. Stealth planning and then one day be gone. He does not deserve ANY courtesy from you, no reasons, no discussion. You do not need his permission to leave the "relationship".

He does not mind hurting you...He may escalate. Be careful. Do not do anything that might cause suspicion like starting to store things at your sister's place.

Do not let how he might react stop you. He will choose his own reaction; be ready for BAFTA level of acting...You already know none of it will be sincere.

Enough is enough. You are well beyond enough. You are done putting up with it. He will have to use someone else. You do not owe him anything.

Take care. Your dc should not be in the know because they might let it slip. On action day, privately tell them and pack as much of their stuff as possible. Maybe do a charity shop clear out soon so they/you can identify what is important to them to keep.

Imagine yourself watching his behaviour towards you. Would you be shocked? I am, and it's clear from reading other's posts that they are too.

From reading your post you seem numb and disassociated from what is happening to you - an essential survival mechanism. At the moment you experience his behaviour as 'normal', your reality. You will be able to view the situation with clarity once you are out of this very abusive relationship.

I wish you luck. Leaving/getting him to leave isn't as scary as it seems, compared to the years of misery ahead if you stay with him. Give yourself a chance of happiness.

I think too that when you are describing your husband, you can only think of horrible things to say about him, it is time to leave.

I was in an abusive relationship, but what really sealed it for me was that when someone else criticised my partner I would join in instead of defending him. I felt that it wasn't fair to him to have his partner be like that.

I've only read half the posts but am with the majority! You poor woman, you've been putting up with this for 22 years?!

Autism doesn't = arsehole. Regardless of the former, you're married to the latter. I advise spending the second half of your life in more amenable company.

Bloody hell, WHAT are you doing with this man?!

So what if he will think you are over-reacting when you tell him you're leaving? I very much doubt you leaving will hurt him. It may turn his life upside down when you as his convenience aren't there, though.

Don't give a man all your good years. Life truly isnt worth that kind of martyrdom and you will regret it in years to come if you continue to live in misery for his sake. Furthermore your children will see his poor behaviour as they grow, and its no example for them; they have relationships of their own to form in the future and its not right for them to live within and witness dysfunctionality like this. Remember that you matter too. Its not all about him.

He sounds horrid, meanminded and vindictive. Does he have any friends?!

www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

have a look at this profile of the sociopath OP - does it fit at all?

What the FUCK!!?! This is incredibly bad. I wouldn't last a day in your house.

Oh, sweetheart, please, please leave. Go back up to Jux and bring back's posts and make a quick list, then get yourself prepared re: bank statements, etc., right away; you can do all that in a day or two, really. And be careful and quiet and clear your browser and act very normal until you can go. Then GO.

In all honesty, and I don't say this to make you feel bad, but to tell you how absolutely shocking your situation is from the outside, your OP literally sounds like a summary of a horror movie. Please go.