will you please answer these 2 question. would you leave and why?

[pollyanna0702]

Hi there, I have NC. I have posted before about my marriage but only in bits, usually whats bothering me the most at the time. I want to explain the full sad story and ask you to give me your advice on what you would do if you were me and what bits would bother you the most. I ask because I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore. Things are so ingrained. Thank you in advance for reading. This will be long.
Been with dh 22 years. 2 dc 7 and 16.
I will try and start with the early behaviour and work forward. Its a list I'm afraid as a story would be a book.

Met h mid teens, no other relationship. He is 6 years older than me.

He would squeeze my hands till they hurt then laugh and say it was a joke.

He would ring and say im coming now and expect me to drop everything and be readyIin minutes.

He expected me to clean him up after being intimate.

He would constantly ask if I had done something he asked over and over again. If I hadn't he asks why not so I have to make excuses.

After dc he never once got up in the night to feed or change because I was on ml.

He hates it when im ill and mocks that I'm putting it on.

Doesn't have any empathy for anyone ever.

Never says sorry

Moans about the mess. Even if I've cleaned he will find something to pick on.

Doesn't tell me he loves me.

Blocks my nose and flicks my lips when im going to sleep because he liles to fiddle with me.

I fell down the stairs into the living room, he was sat on the sofa just feet away and he didn't move or say anything.

If im asleep and my foot is hanging out of the bed he will scrape his nail dpwn the sole of my foot and make me wake up in shock.

If hes giving me a taste of something he has made he puts the spoon to my mouth gently but then rams it in against my teeth.

Criticises my driving

Asks me to get something say from the kitchen, if grumble whilst doing it, I hand him it and he says "it wasn't hard was it"

Cant stand it if im asleep. He has woken me up by grabbing my feet. I roused and he rubbed my face with his bare hands. I said I could hit you, he went upstairs and told our dc did you hear that, mum wants to hit me, thats abusive that is.

Lifts the end of my nose as he walks past me and says, hey piggy.

There's more but I think you get the idea. Is he autistic or just not very nice. Are any of these things normal? Would you stay and try and sort or would you go? Ive left before for a week but came back. He said it was daft to split up over something so stupid.

Thank you again. I really appreciate all of your support. I know where the mortgage statement is so will try and get that tonight and photocopy it at work tomorrow then put it back.
I don't have any space to ring wa this week. I am never on my own. School starts again next week so I will do it then.

I am just so tired all the time. Its exhausting, I just want to sleep.

I like that statement from Japanese. I will use it. Many posts suggest leaving a note. I feel like its too callous to do that as if I do owe him to tell him face to face. I so wish I could see it as you do and get really angry instead of scared. i will keep you updated and post when i can.

I feel like its too callous to do that as if I do owe him to tell him face to face.

Please OP try to understand. I am going to shout a little bit now. But you really really need to listen.

YOUR safety is more important than HIS feelings.

HE has CHOSEN to treat you like this for many many years. The fact that you are afraid of him is HIS fault.

And he didn't make you scared by accident. He KNOWS you are afraid and is relying on your fear to tip him off and help keep you under his control.

Don't allow him that control. You will only be sabotaging yourself. This is part of how abusive men keep women at heel, they rely on that loyalty and fear, the woman's feeling that she "owes" her abuser something. This is textbook stuff here.

You know how people say that it often takes several tries before a woman manages to leave an abusive situation? Let me tell you that the feelings you are having right now, are exactly why. The woman feels she "owes" the man something so she tries to tell him why she's leaving, and he just uses it as a new opportunity to manipulate and confuse her. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT OPPORTUNITY.

Human beings do not "owe" each other anything. This man has been very careful to let you know, loud and clear, that he doesn't like, love or respect you. So PLEASE do not act like he deserves anything from you.

I will close by saying, when women are seriously harmed or killed by partners, it is frequently during these conversations where the woman starts by explaining that she is leaving. Please OP. I beg you to put yourself first.

I have posted before about last time l left and didn't feel like I had a good enough reason to go. I've started to tell my friends bits about what is going on and their reaction is helping me get more perspective.

Oikopolis

I hear you, I need to get past these feelings of guilt and obligation. I need to find that strength I know. I won't do it until I have everything in place. Last time I didn't and it was easier to come back :-(.

You don't NEED a reason to go! Although you have plenty - you might think they are all small things, but they aren't. And they should never happen at all.

Oink is right - you feel loyalty, respect, you owe him ; except... except you DON'T! He doesn't respect you. He doesn't owe you anything, bastard nose-pinching, pain-inflicting, uncaring pig that he is. He feels no loyalty to you . If you stay and tell him face-to-face, he will twist it so you don't know what you're talking about; you are overreacting, it was all a JOKE and you have no sense of humour, you are slightly mad, none of it really happened like that... Everyone will judge you for 'breaking up the family', the kids will hate you, it's all your fault...

You wil be so brokendown and confused that you'll stay. Then it will get worse.

Please just get out when you can, and then tell him. Over the phone, by letter, or at the very least, in a public place. And preferably with someone with you.

Please do try to post and let us know how you are over the next few days, Pollyanna: lots of us will be thinking of you.

There isn't a doubt in my mind that you are doing the right thing.

Please don't feel that you have to tell him face to face. He is a dangerous and violent man. There is no knowing what his reaction will be.

He shouldn't know a thing until you and your children are safely away.

Could you phone WA during work tomorrow? Or on the way there or home?

You mentioned one of his traits as loyal. He's not loyal, he stays with you so he can manipulate, niggle at, name call, belittle and emotionally and physically abuse you.

I read your OP with my mouth hanging open. 22 years, you poor, poor woman. He wouldn't have squeezed my hand till it hurt a second time.

You owe him no explanation. Get your affairs in order and collect your DD from her last exam and go, if it is too disruptive for her not to leave sooner.

I'd leave a note, listing all the points in your OP with a simple good bye at the end.

Life shouldn't be like this for anyone.

Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts.

Of course it will be easier to find time to sort things when the DC are back in school next week. That is a very good plan. This week, you can keep getting documents together as you are already doing, and think about where you might go. Maybe during work hours tomorrow you could find a solicitor and set up an appointment for next week?

Keep talking to your friends. They will absolutely understand, as we all have, what an arse he is. They will help you.

Pollyanna you have already been given some great advice and support. for you - what an awful way this man has been treating you.

I tried to find this thread earlier because you mentioned you met when you were in your mid teens and he's six years older than you. I'd say that was pretty predatory of him. I've always found it was very uncomfortable to see a man in his early twenties dating a fifteen or sixteen year old, however mature she may appear or think she is. Often that man is someone who can't get women his own age - there's something about him they don't take to so he relies on impressing a girl who is flattered by the attentions of someone who is older. It's about sex and control.

Why would he not be loyal to you? He has worked on you for 22 years and has got you to the point whe he knows he can be as sadistic as he likes and you won't do anything much about it. If he picked up someone else he'd have to start all that training again. Of course he's going to hang on to you as long as possible.

This is one reason why it is so important that your behaviour remains the same until you go. If he gets a whiff that things are changing with you then he will see it as you getting out of your box, and he will want to stuff you back into it. His preferred method of control is using violence to instil fear, so he will very likely

Become more violent towards you or
Threaten violence against the children or
Use actual violence against the children or
All of the above.

Of course, he might turn on the charm, or guilt trip you, but those will be momentary tools, they're just to reel you back in, stop you from going or to get you back; the behaviour won't last. He likes hurting you so he will do that sooner rather than later, only more so.

'Loyalty' is the default position when no-one would go near you with a barge-pole.

Please get rid of this fucking cock. Please!

It's nothing to do with autism and everything to do with him being awful.

I know it's hard to see for yourself and I know you can feel conditioned and powerless but really... It's time to do the right thing by yourself and your children. Relationships are NOT like this unless they're dysfunctional and abusive - yours is.

Is this pathetic little loser doing this sort of stuff to his boss? Your neighbour? A random bloke in a shop? No? Why not ? Reserves it all for the person he wants to control.

Stand firm and get your thoughts collected. Act now and save your children from years of this absolute nonsense.

Who the hell does he think he is? Christ ... Get rid of him. Please! IT IS NOT YOU AND YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING

I've read the thread OP, I think you've had some very honest opinions and I'm pleased you've got an exit plan in place. Just a word on 'finding strength' however. Abusive men are like Kryptonite... ie. while you are around them the fear they create will sap your strength. So there comes a point where you have to feel the fear, get out anyway, and then spend enough time away from them to stablise and work through the emotions. Strength and confidence will come the longer you are away.

Hear what you're saying about having 'everything in place' therefore, just don't let it delay you unreasonably. Getting out is more important than getting it 100% right.

Good luck

Thanks everyone I'm sorry I can't thank you individually im limited to posting. Im in the loo at work now. I was shaking all over this morning and panicking a bit. I dont know why. I've been thinking how could I have been so utterly stupid for all these years. Why couldn't I see it was wrong? He used to scrape his big toe nail down my shin In bed. If I moved my leg back he would follow it with his foot and keep scraping. I learned if I kept my leg still and pretended I wasn't bothered he would stop sooner.

Like someone said up thread. I do need to take some responsibility for it dont I. I have said nothing all these years. As far as he's concerned why am I bothered now.

Anyway I have the mortgage statement to copy today x

Don't beat yourself up over not acting sooner, not realising sooner. You realise now, that's good enough.

Put that realisation into positive action. Sort out the practical stuff then get the hell out of there with your DC.

You have a new, happy and peaceful life waiting for you in just a short period of time now.

OP you've not been stupid at all. You met a manipulative and rather cruel older man when you were mid-teens and he's been grooming you ever since to accept worse and worse behaviour. You've had no other relationship to compare and your parents appear to have had quite a normal, pleasant relationship so the concept of abuse wouldn't have even been on your radar. It's also embarrassing to ask someone if having a toe-nail scraped down your shin is normal or not. Fear of ridicule is another barrier to getting help.

You have a 16yo yourself now. How clued up are they on adult relationships do you think? Do they understand about things like Domestic Abuse... or would they think, as a lot do, that it doesn't count if there's no physical violence? Have they ever gone along with a friend they admired or a girl/boyfriend they thought they loved and ended up getting into hot water?

So you've not been stupid at all. In fact, you're being very courageous for waking up to what's happening and doing something about it. Many never get to this stage at all.

pollyanna the last thing you need to do at this stage is to beat yourself up for not realising sooner that this wasn't acceptable (because if you carry on like that you will affect what you have to do) . Sometimes it takes years for the realisation has come and you have to move forward and be proud of yourself that you have actually 'seen the light' and you are going to do something.

I think you're amazing to have realised now that this is all wrong. It's been going on since your teens - it's not easy to be aware that a relationship is all wrong when it's all you've known.

Could you get some real-life support from your sister? Or a lawyer? It would help you to see exactly how you will leave.

Onward with the photocopying! :)

Pollyanna It wasn't your fault he did all this and you are not to blame. You didn't say to him 'come treat me like shit, hit me, belittle me, erase all my trust in people.'
He is a calculating bully who has realised how to treat you to get you to comply. Abuse often sneaks up on people until it gets too much to bear. For some that is one nasty comment or one slap, sadly for others it is severe beating which require hospital care or worse.
Like other pp's have said he was your first major relationship and all you have known. If you had had a secure relationship with trust and respect you may have noticed sooner but that's a different story. Act on what you feel is right and build a happy secure future for yourself and your dc's

cog no my dcs are not aware of domestic abuse. How could they be, their own mother hasn't been all these years. They know that being nasty and hitting people is wrong but they won't recognise this poisonous behaviour as wrong will they, because I didn't. I've let them down badly.

You poor thing, don't blame yourself. You didn't know. Now you do, and you're planning ready for doing something about it. You haven't let your children down. You survived so long in a horrible situation and now you're gaining strength. That's amazing! Do not put yourself down. You are good, strong and wise, and a good mum. Remind yourself every day.

No! This is not your fault. You have not let your children down.

He has. He knows what he's been doing, he knows he's been manipulating you from the word go. He knew and he knows.

This is all down to him and him alone.

What a vile bully this man is. Please leave him asap. Take up your sister s offer of help. NOBODY deserves to live like this. Good luck and please keep posting.

You haven't let your DCs down badly any more than your parents let you down previously. My point is that, aged 16, you were in no better position than your own DC to spot that this older man who targeted you - despite not hitting you - was capable of being abusive.

You were not to blame for being unlucky enough to meet this guy. You are not to blame for the way he chooses to behave. He is responsible for his behaviour and therefore fully to blame.

You now have an opportunity to reject him, reject the behaviour and make a better life for yourself and your DCs. The future is the thing you can control. Not the past and not him.