will you please answer these 2 question. would you leave and why?

[pollyanna0702]

Hi there, I have NC. I have posted before about my marriage but only in bits, usually whats bothering me the most at the time. I want to explain the full sad story and ask you to give me your advice on what you would do if you were me and what bits would bother you the most. I ask because I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore. Things are so ingrained. Thank you in advance for reading. This will be long.
Been with dh 22 years. 2 dc 7 and 16.
I will try and start with the early behaviour and work forward. Its a list I'm afraid as a story would be a book.

Met h mid teens, no other relationship. He is 6 years older than me.

He would squeeze my hands till they hurt then laugh and say it was a joke.

He would ring and say im coming now and expect me to drop everything and be readyIin minutes.

He expected me to clean him up after being intimate.

He would constantly ask if I had done something he asked over and over again. If I hadn't he asks why not so I have to make excuses.

After dc he never once got up in the night to feed or change because I was on ml.

He hates it when im ill and mocks that I'm putting it on.

Doesn't have any empathy for anyone ever.

Never says sorry

Moans about the mess. Even if I've cleaned he will find something to pick on.

Doesn't tell me he loves me.

Blocks my nose and flicks my lips when im going to sleep because he liles to fiddle with me.

I fell down the stairs into the living room, he was sat on the sofa just feet away and he didn't move or say anything.

If im asleep and my foot is hanging out of the bed he will scrape his nail dpwn the sole of my foot and make me wake up in shock.

If hes giving me a taste of something he has made he puts the spoon to my mouth gently but then rams it in against my teeth.

Criticises my driving

Asks me to get something say from the kitchen, if grumble whilst doing it, I hand him it and he says "it wasn't hard was it"

Cant stand it if im asleep. He has woken me up by grabbing my feet. I roused and he rubbed my face with his bare hands. I said I could hit you, he went upstairs and told our dc did you hear that, mum wants to hit me, thats abusive that is.

Lifts the end of my nose as he walks past me and says, hey piggy.

There's more but I think you get the idea. Is he autistic or just not very nice. Are any of these things normal? Would you stay and try and sort or would you go? Ive left before for a week but came back. He said it was daft to split up over something so stupid.

Oh yes, the 'only joking' thing. I also had, you're no fun, you've got no sense of humour, why can't you take a joke.

He would punch my arm into numbness, make a fist by the side of my face and then call my name urgently so I'd turn my head quickly and hurt my nose on his fist, hold me down and tickle me until I sobbed.

Wouldn't have sex with me unless I washed first and dressed up. Called me horrible 'affectionate' nicknames, woke me in the middle of the night because he was lonely and if I begged to go to sleep would call me selfish.

I left and have spent th past decade being happy. Please leave.

I would leave. He sounds awful, but the fact you want to leave means you should leave. You are miserable and unhappy life shouldn't be spent miserable and unhappy. You deserve more than this.
If and hopefully when you do leave , don't let it be a discussion. I am leaving because I don't love you anymore/ I am leaving because I am not happy- that's it- dont list reasons for him to pick at and mock and use against you. Be a broken record, ' I am not happy. I am leaving'. Good luck.

Your children are actively being harmed by living this life. If you can't do it for you, do it for them.

Is this the sort of relationship you'd like your children to have with their partner?

Thought not, please leave this is abuse and revolting you don't have to put up with any of this, tbh I boiked at the cleaning him up thing, please op get some rl help and make your way out of there

If and hopefully when you do leave , don't let it be a discussion. ... Be a broken record, ' I am not happy. I am leaving'.

This is the right advice, Polly. Bullies often succeed in making us feel we need their permission to leave, as if we must defend our choice in a court of law. Not so! Each one of us has the independent right to leave, every day.

A previous poster made very good suggestions about information gathering before you go. Please call Women's Aid to talk this over; they can help.

Good luck

Pollyanna, you don't have to say anything to him, you could just leave him a note. Don't try to explain anything beyond that you are unhappy.

He won't understand anything you say as it's not in his interests to do so. He will minimise anything you say as that will serve him best and make you feel stupid - you know he will do that because he already does it. If he had any reason to understand your point of view, or any interest in how you feel, he would be listening to you and acting accordingly already.

That thing you said in your op - he likes to fiddle with me - that, just that, is enough for anyone to leave, it encompasses his entire attitude towards you. How dare he? How dare he?

He is revolting.

So what are you going Toms when he starts doing these same things to your children?
Are you just going to accept it like you have done for yourself?
To be honest if you do then you would be as bad as him.

To do not Toms!!

Omg, this is sadistic.

You are not over reacting at all and i hope that you leave him soon.

My God, I think this is the worst thing I have ever read on Relationships, and that's saying something. My exh behaved in a similar fashion and used to say to whichever arsehole relative that would listen, "My wife and I share a sense of humour. We have to - she doesn't have one."

So please have my first MN LTB. You have spent far too many years of your precious life looking after this callous bastard, and God knows what his treatment of you and your refusal to call time on his vile behaviour have taught your kids about relationships. Good luck, OP.

I'm at work so can't post much. I have passports and birth certificates. I could get them easily this morning. It's hard to read. I know im letting my children down. I will do it for them. Oldest dc is in the middle of exams they end in about 3 weeks. I will use this time to get myself sorted out and in a position to go. Thank you

Stay safe, Polly. He might notice subtle differences in you. Wishing you very, very well

You are doing the right thing. He isn't treating you with any love or respect and that is reason enough to leave. You don't need to justify it further.

He sounds like an absolute twat. Please treat yourself with respect and don't allow anyone to treat you like that again.

His behaviour reminds me of my two young boys when they used to say and do nasty things just to wind each other up. He is not treating you the way adults treat other adults, especially the way a normal adult treats a friend or partner.

Be strong and stick to your guns.

This is so horrible. Not normal at all. Get help and leave. Be strong Polly x

Polly you now need to act your socks off. Do not give him one moment of doubt that anything has changed. What you are thinking and how you act with him must be two completely seperate things. You have had years of this behaviour from him - years of responses to his dreadful behaviour so draw on everything within you to just act normally until the time comes for your to walk out the door to your new life without that black cloud over you.

Well done, Pollyanna. It sounds so easy when we say it, but it's so hard to do. You've made a good start.

Do ring Women's Aid, they will help you to make a leaving plan which is safe for you and the children. They will help and support you through everything, and can put you in touch with people or agencies you may need in the future (or now). They will do everything in complete confidence and will not give your details to anyone or any agency.

As Roussette says, you are now going to have to perfect your acting skills, so he doesn't suspect anything.

You can do this.

Op, my reaction to someone squeezing my hands till they hurt, would be a knee to the balls! That your reaction isn't that, says a lot about how downbeaten you are.
I think I remember your last thread, and you went back because iifc you 'didn't have a real excuse to leave' or something like? Honestly, you don't need to justify, explain or reason. It's enough that you want to go.

I'm glad you have resolved to go, your dc will than you. Do they see him doing that to you?

How brilliant that you're taking the first steps toward leaving. We're all hoping for the best for you and your DC. Do reach out to Women's Aid for advice and support. Talking your situation through with a solicitor may help you as well. Good luck!

Keep posting op, we are all here for you.

Reading the list of stuff he does to you is chilling. Get yourself and your children away from him. Jux and sideburns gave good advice upthread about getting stuff together now, contacting Women's Aid, not telling him as the violence and abuse could escalate. He sounds like a dangerous man who will not react well once he realises that you are leaving and taking the children with you.

Remember, you don't need his permission to leave. He doesn't need to understand why you are leaving. Just go and then have the most minimal of minimal contact with him afterwards whilst you adjust to your new life and break the chains he has held you with. Do it for yourself and do it for your children.

Just came back to have a look. This thread has been at the back of my mind all day. I found it shocking...the calculated abuse and belittling is so upsetting. Well done OP. Take your DCs and get out. Rediscover you, and what it is to live in peace, without misery inflicted on you by an absolute bully.

Just a thought...there was a thread in AIBU recently, going on about women saying 'LTB' too often and it barely being appropriiate. Well, situations like this are a classic example of why women will say LTB, and I for one like the solidarity of it. This situation is wrong on so many counts

I hope you do keep posting, OP. & well done. Also agree with Roussette.

I hope you're OK. You're being very brave. It's a huge step but one you must take.

This man doesn't like you. Not one little bit.

When he asks why you're leaving, you tell him, 'because you hate me, and you show me that every single day. I am doing you a favour by leaving. Maybe you can finally be happy once I've gone. I know I will only be happy then'.

You have to leave, for your children, but also for you. They deserve better than this pathetic little specimen, and so do you.

Please don't say anything to him until you are safely away from him - and preferably not then either. If you do feel the need to explain to him, then do it by note or email or text, but ot to his face.

I do think JapaneseMargaret's suggestion for what to say is good, though.

I totally agree though, that just getting you and your children away safely is the main thing.

You don't owe this person a thing, and certainly not an explanation. He simply doesn't deserve it.

Besides, he knows. He knows full well why you can no longer bare to share a life with him.