pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

is he so sure of me that he knows i will stay even if he HAS cheated, or is this another way to enjoy some power over me?

I think you need to read the section on how you get chlamydia right down to the last section

Sorry but he has cheated. Have you had yourself checked?

Hes utterly convinced, hes got you exactly where he wants you. He probably is convinced, you will eventually have an abortion. Because he knows you always give in.

He stays, because you are good for his image as a top bloke. He enjoys the power over you and he thinks your too weak to shift the balance.

He gets off on emotionally torturing you and humiliating you. Make everyone feel sorry for him because he married to someone so flawed.

Yes, I'm sure you are flawed, as am I and everyone else on the planet. But you have a right to expect love and support, someone who offers you a tissue when things get too hard. You deserve a life where you arent using anti-depressants to cope with your Husband.

This man is not good enough for you. But he has you so convinced you are the issue, you cant see his shittiness for what it is.

and yes I agree has cheated and probably cheats when hes out all night. Get yourself checked out, ASAP.

Given the chlamydia, I think you'd be wise to go for an early scan. Have you looked at the link I posted?

oh fucking crap

i looked at the link, i also saw this

it says clearly that you can't get it from towels. He told me he'd been to the hospital a&e to get his eye check after coming home (from a work trip for a week) with like a fluid filled blister bulging from his eyeball. He told me that they had told him to be very very careful not to share anything like towels!

its very dangerous to babies!!!! fucking hell WTAF!! fucking hell

is this real. Am I really so fucking self-deluded and unsure of myself that i always believe him over me, feel untrusting, doubting, 2nd guessing. he seems so perfectly normal.

His father has that 'glare'

omg, when he is so upset /stressed and hits his head but I feel for all the world that he wants to hit me (but denied that was possible)

i don't know whats delusion now me thinking its abuse or

oh IDK

fucking hell, headfuck

huge apologies for all the swearing

Swear away :)

Presumably if you have chlamydia you will be able to have it treated before you give birth. Don't panic about that. My main worry would be that your reproductive organs have been damaged.

I think TaliZorah has summed it up v well: Hes utterly convinced, hes got you exactly where he wants you. He probably is convinced, you will eventually have an abortion. Because he knows you always give in. He stays, because you are good for his image as a top bloke. He enjoys the power over you and he thinks your too weak to shift the balance. He gets off on emotionally torturing you and humiliating you

He is playing mind games with you. You know this already, talking about how he lays verbal traps and so on. This is just an escalation, because he's stopped getting so much of a kick out of the previous level of mental abuse, and needs to confuse and upset you and humiliate you even more to keep getting a buzz out of tormenting you.

He has told you he has chlamydia of the eye to torture you. He is openly telling you he has an STD so that you will naturally think he's cheated, and then he tells you a lie about how you get it in the eye, and he delights in watching you suffer as your mind struggles to match up what you know is true (that it is sexually transmitted) and what he is demanding that you believe (that it's not). He knows that you want to believe him, and he also knows that he has trained you to know that if you don't believe him, or give in to what he says and what he wants, that he will make your life a misery, and he knows that he's trained you to think all this negative and inferior things about yourself (they are lies) - and he loves watching your pain and confusion and self-loathing as you try to deal with it, and he loves watching your self-esteem and happiness and independence deteriorate, watching you diminish and wither, watching you become so full of confusion and self-hatred that your only safety lies in falling for whatever crap he tells you, just so he'll occasionally throw you the odd crumb of niceness.

This man is a fucking monster.

And YES, it is 100% that you can only get Chlamydia in your eye via sexual activity.

However, since you last wrote, I actually wonder if he does have it. It sounds entirely in keeping with his abuse type for him to say something like that purely to torment you and watch you demean yourself accepting a lie. Please don't do that.

Oh, I didn't refresh and see your last post. So it does sound like he has it. Not only does he not care about you, he would risk the life of your child. He's a charmer, isn't he?

Sugar, please read what OxfordBags is posting. She knows what's what. She's helped people see clearly before :)

i know i am not responding personally by your names but i am trying to digest everything everyone is saying,

he wants me to know he's cheating? headfuck why, is it so that i will take the responsibility for ending it all? but when I challenged him over it he got angry and tells me i'm untrusting and trying to control him.

I don't just roll over I do challenge it but he seems reasonableand his answers make sense that I am being this way. i don't think its right that if i raise my voice he just shouts over me though and is very good at shutting me down so i feel a melting pot about to explode. then i'm accused of being aggressive so i feel like the aggressive one.

how can someone work this its not possible to plan all that out and have all those techniques and skills to use to turn things around?

i need to find myself somewhere in all this, i don't trust believing myself because i might have got it all wrong

Of cpurse he seems normal. The first thing people say when serial killers are arrested is that "he seemed like such a nice, normal bloke!". Obviously he's nowhere near as bad as a serial killer, but I'm making a point. Abusers take great care to make sure they appear nice, and are thought of as great. They deliberately make sure that this is how they are thought of. They cultivate that identity to the outside world as their insurance policy so that if, and when, their OH finally gets the courage to tell anyone about the abuse, or leave the abuser, no-one can believe that he is a bad guy.

The point is, it doesn't matter onenflying fuck what anyone else thinks about him. THEY are not being abused and lied to, and having themselves or their unborn child risked by him, YOU are. It's pointless checking with others if he loves you, or if he's nice. It doesn't affect them, and it's in their interest to think well of him. You can and must decide for yourself what is acceptable or not.

OP, he enjoys breaking you by seeing you stand up to him but then become beaten down by his bullshit. He is literally creating a sort of temporary mental illness in you when he does it, because he is forcing you to believe two things at once: the trith, and the lies he's telling you. It's another stereotypical abuse technique. Some people call it 'crazy-making'. I think that sums it up well.

It never occured to me that you wouldn't stand up for yourself. It's a myth that abusive men go for mousey, timid women. Rather, they go for women who are feisty, for two reasons: it's extra fun to break you down, and because if you do stand up to him, he can make you feel like you're somehow equal in being mean to eachother, even that it's you being bad to him. It's all bullshit and all classic abuse.

PS Thanks, Kali :)

Oxford is bang on, Its always the most normal looking people with the darkest of secrets. They know how to hide so well, its almost like an art form.

huge x-post there

my head feels like it will explode. Really? fuck . Really?thsi can't be [fucking grim]

really?

yes, the top bloke is all that - he can't be a monster ??? i've been sleeping with him, i've got his baby. I don't know how to speak about this, only silence - is that because he will never accept or admit to anything or because its not real and that i am telling you its this way and thats unfair of me oh fuck fuck fuck

OP, it's not so much that they plan it, it's that abusiveness is like a personality disorder, and they react accordingly. Think about depression, for example. You could say that depressed people act like they've got a script: they are sad, they lose interest in the world, they hate themselves, and so on. Well, that's the same sort of way that abusers all act in similar ways.

Also, being abusive to you has become so normal and easy for him that he has to put very little effort in to wreak horrible results. Onve, reading and writing were incredibly hard for you, now they come with verylittle thought. Every time he's been abusive, it's been another bit of practice, and now it's effortlessly easy for him to abuse you. It's not taking him lots of planning and effort, it's WHO HE IS.

You doubt yourself because that's the effect of the abuse. It's intended to do that. I think you need to talk to someone like Women's Aid. And you definitely need therapy. You too have been unwittingly and unconsciously practicing being a victim, and you need help to break those patterns, you poor thing.

PS Keeping calm whilst you lose your rag, and then turning it around so that you're the aggressive or unhinged one is yet another classic technique. Honestly, if there was an mental abuser bingo card, you'd have a full house.

Sweetheart, do you have a nice mum or dad, auntie, old friend you could stay with for a few days?

He will never admit fault, because he will never take responsibility for his actions.

My ex cheated on me, I can guarantee, he will still 5 years later, lay all the blame on me, not the fact that he decided to do it.

Hes laid all the responsibility of his emotions, moods and problems at your door. He's cruel and you deserve more.

If you want the baby, you need to get away because the stress he gives you and the stress you give yourself trying soothe the beast is very unhealthy.

but he went to counselling after he scared me one time because i said he had anger issues adn was always stressed and he told me the counsellor wanted to see me? - cos he was only getting one side of the story
but then later he told me the psychologist told him i was a 'fucking controlling bitch'

Monsters aren't the Bogeyman. They're not sinister men hiding in dark corners waiting to pounce. They aren't the obvious nutter or bastard we see on tv or in films. When Fred West was arrested, most people who knew him were shocked, because he was known as a fun guy, that guy down the pub, a bloke who'd do DIY for you for free, etc.

Monster is perhaps the wrong word, precisely because that indicates something out of the ordinary, whereas he is an ordinary man. Sadly, he is carrying out ordinary abuse. When I write things like 'classic abuse', I mean that this is the most common type of abuse being done against women and men all over the world, in every culture, in every class, in every country. It's not the big drama we see on tv, it's a mundane and horrible chip-chip-chipping away at your sense of self, your happiness, your belief in yourself, etc.

You're doing nothing wrong writing here, or telling anyone anything. It's your life and you have the right to tell anyone anything you like about it. If it feels scary or wrong to tell people about how he is with you, that should be a massive warning sign to you in itself.

but then later he told me the psychologist told him i was a 'fucking controlling bitch'

That was a lie to condition you into proving him wrong. Classic control technique.

And no therapist would say that

Reading your posts OP, I actually feel fearful for you. I really do. Your 'D'H sounds dangerous.

Please can you get away, get some time to yourself so that you can think clearly? Sorry if someone has already suggested it as I have only skimmed the thread. I think it would help you enormously to get away from him and his influence on you. Please try.

I can tell you now for certain that no counsellor would ever tell anyone that their partner was a controlling fucking bitch, or anything like that. You weren't there, he could tell you that the counsellor revealed that your H was the second coming of christ, it doesn't mean that he said anything of the sort.

Do he even actually go, do you have proof? Even if he went, it's obvious he just came back and told you that the problem is all yours.

Oh, and NO-ONE should ever say the words "... After he scared me one time" about their OH. That alone is a sign of abuse and that you should not be with him. Scaring someone with your temper is not part of a normal, healthy relationship, not ever. NOT. EVER.

but then later he told me the psychologist told him i was a 'fucking controlling bitch'

Bullshit. A psychologist simply would not say this to a client.