pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

Bee Has it right and what others have said.

You should not need pills to help you survive in this relationship. What said by asking that is, stating this relationship makes you miserable.

Why should you accept something that makes you miserable.

With regards to your friend, if thats the stuff she comes out with, i wouldnt wanna her professional help, nevermind her personal help.

Pills are NOT, a quick fix, they are a plaster over the wound. Seek therapy for yourself, someone who has no emotional connection.

picnic this hes making you question your opinions and feelings"once recently when i couldn't make sense of his rantings at me I tried to end the mess of interaction by saying "its just my opinion", and I've not heard the last of it, it totally enraged him.

Because your not allowed to think for yourself, he sees you as seen and not heard. You need to find your inner strength and work out if this man is good enough for you.

why? Are you not allowed to have an opinion??!!

Your DH is not showing any love for you, he is not giving you anything, and not behaving as your partner in any sense.

The most sensible thing you can do it get rid of him for good and keep your baby. He does not seem to be showing you any respect at all.

You and your baby deserve so much more than that.

And yes, congratulations!! A baby is a wonderful thing and you are very lucky!

Keep the baby, lose the arsehole

You deserve more, he's a total fuckhead

Your 'friend' isn't in a relationship with him.

You are not imaging this.

You do sound depressed, but that is understandable as you had to leave your job for what ever reason and once you got home to a bully of a husband.

I keep thinking about hollyoaks.......
Anyone watch it?? Emotional abuse, everyone thinking the guy is the 'victim'. So called friends not believing you or making out you are losing your mind.
Was just a thought I thought I would share. Xxx

this is horrible [sick] ihave to say i don't feel much loved but i blamed that on me needing too much? because DH said so. i feel pathetic knowing that I have been in tears a lot because of the way he is to me, but again he tells me this is me refusing to acknowledge my problems.

Its not you needing to much, its because his love comes with conditions.

You not refusing to acknowledge anything, you trying to work through a black cloud wondering the cause. Its your H.

You sound very unhappy, and the root cause is your H, because he wont support you, just blaming you for own unhappiness, if he was supportive, you'd wouldnt feel so unhappy.

Trust me, I've been there, my ex's support and shitty treatment made my depression so much worse, i made an attempt on my own life.

OP, what you are describing is classic abuse. From him appearing to be a great guy to outsiders, to you not being allowed an opinion and everything inbetween, this is abuse. Did you know the majority of abuse starts, or becomes obvious when the woman is pregnant? He sounds likes he's got worse.

You talk about his 'rantings' at you like they're a normal thing. Listen, no decent relationship worth staying in should involve being ranted at. Just because you are a normal person with flaws yourself does not mean you are causing or deserving any of his abusive behaviour. You try to excuse him by saying you've exasperated him - well, a very easy way to determine if someone's behaviour is acceptable and normal or not is to ask yourself if you would behave in the same way to anyone else. Would you regularly rant at someone, particularly a pregnant woman, over trivial shit? Would you rant and rave and be spiteful to someone because they were being exasperating? Would you set 'traps' and so on for them to fall into so you have an excuse to pick on them? Would you become enraged by them asserting even a minor opinion? Would you get angry with someone if they were feeling sad or worried to make them shut up?

If the answer is no - and I bet it is - to even one of those questions, then you must realise that if it's wrong to do that to someone else, it's wrong for it to be done to you. End of story, no ifs or buts. He is an obvious bully, and if you stay with him, you will watch him emotionally abuse and damage your child. You do need a termination, but of the marriage, not of your unborn child.

A loving, caring partner would try to help you, comfort you and be there for you. He sounds bored, dismissive, uncaring and irrelevant.

Try not to feel pathetic- try to work out what you WANT from life and how to get it. Make some positive first steps as that will help to empower you so you can make even more!

And yet another to add to the lost: is someone being needy an excuse to be cruel to them? NO.

You don't feel loved by him because he doesn't love you and is not loving towards you. That's why.

rainbow ??

OP - God help the people your "friend" sees and is meant to help with all the shit she is spouting.

A man you are with should make you happy more than sad, smile more often than cry and all other poncy platitudes.

A lot of abusive people look good from the outside looking in. The key is, does he treat you differently in public as he does in private. A good partner will treat you the same in both places. A good partner will let you express yourself, and they certainly won't get upset with you for being upset or unhappy.

OP sweetheart. No woman deserves this. Get out. Now.

Then think carefully about what's best for you. Will having this baby mean that this horrible man has to stay in your life? Will you have to spend your life trying to protect any child from an emotional abuser?

Please talk to Women's Aid about what this could mean in terms of access, and then get yourself some pregnancy counselling so you can have support while you are thinking this through. It really isn't an easy one to answer - we can all see how much you long for this baby!

Best of luck OP. You sound lovely and deserve so much more than this. Seriously, shall we send round a squad of Mumsnetters to (ahem) give him a stern talking to?

ITSFAB on hollyoaks there is a guy patrick with a girl and he makes her feel that way. Manipulates everything and blames her for everything. She is also early stages of pregnancy. It just sprung to mind reading all the comments.
I only recently started watching the show but it shows that abuse isn't just physical. And all their 'friends' believe he is innocent and that she is the problem in the relationship because he is so good at manipulating people.
Its quite sad really, and people in these situations don't find it easy to get out of.
I was with someone like this when I was a teenager and it took me having to go to the police etc. I finally got rid of him but not before he tried to ruin everything by going through my family and friends. I am just lucky enough to have supportive people around me. And luckily I didn't have his children.
I am now in a happy relationship with a child and another on the way.

You are not the problem. Absolutely not. My ex was just like you; getting out was the very best thing I've ever done - well, tied for best along with having a baby (even when the situation wasn't the best) :)

Congratulations and please don't blame yourself. Whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy, please please please lose this arsehole.

Like I have said in my first comment only you can decide what is the best thing for you to do. But the more you have spoke the more 'worrying' your situation seems. And it does sound like you need to get out of this marriage.
I nelieve if you do in the longrun you will look back and be releived that you got out for you and your child.
'You are only a victim if you allow yourself to be'.
Seriously think long and hard about the life you want your child to have. Because even IF you don't have this child will you want children in the future???
And even if he agreed he wanted a child in the future would you want to raise a child while living with him?
And what if he NEVER wants children and you do?? Will you put your needs aside for him and never have children???

i'm reeling a bit. It doesn't feel real somehow. I am the strong headed one, but it feels like hes the one that pulls the strings if that makes sense.

can he really NOT love me. Can't I even see whats right in front of me carried away on my own way of self-delusion, yet feeling its all wrong inside.

If this hadn't happened no I dont think he would let me have children. Im realising that although i am not allowed to go out with him on his nights out which then worries me, he has to come out on mine and then has a mood if i enjoy myself 'too' much. im just not doing anything right. he gets cross with me at the way I speak on text to him because its too abbreviated or something and i'm not allowed to use his name in texts as he says thats being angry at him, and yet he does that to me?

i know i'm not happy with it, but it feels more real what he says about me than i do about myself! I feel like i've no idea who i am anymore. [stupid]. Why can't i see this

i dont want to be doing everything but i am and i don't know how that happened. we recently went away for a weekend with loads of friends to a remote long house type thing and everyone took turns int eh kitchen either cooking or cleaning up and clearing away, he boasted on the long journey home that he'd made one cup of tea the whole time we were there. I don't understand him at all and it makes me feel stupid as I don't know what to say to him when he says things like that.

wave, not 'way'

hes drunk and gone to bed now, snoring and i feel like i hate him how horrible

Your not horrible hunny, its not an easy situation to be in. If you want a family he doesn't sound like the family kind of guy.
YOU need to decide what YOU want and think for yourself instead of letting him think for you.
Where do you live? I am in birmingham. If you are in the same city I would meet up with you so you have someone to talk to xx

Me and my EX planned DS2, 5 weeks later he leaves me and tells me to abort him and not let any family know that we planned another baby.

He's here and I wouldn't be without him, EX doesn't have any interest in him but he is my world.

And a love that tears you down isn't really love. Its destructive!! It already sounds as if it has affected you a lot. How long have you been with your husband? And how long have you been married for?xx