pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

i have to remember that its not how i am but how he reacts thats the problem - look a smile!

No he's not going to let you go easily to be honest.
But you're not alone. We're here for any doubts and worries you might have.

He won't let you go easily I agree.

Are you planning on going when he's not there and keeping it quiet where you are?

He will either get really nasty or he will get emotional, cry, try and manipulate you, he will promise to change. He will also tell everyone that it's your fault, that you're unstable, you're a nightmare to live with etc etc. you have to be strong and ignore it all, as it will all be lies and manipulation. He wants to control you, and if you leave he can't do that and he won't like it. Ignore ignore! Rise above it.

i felt my stomach lurch when i just read that Minty - was thinking as i read it that i have been there so many times before and know the drill you know, but then i felt that lurch and the feelings turnaround as i started to feel for him, thisis good.

I dont think i will manage him and his state will probably have to just go (and feel horribly guilty about it but that will be preferable to the alternative car crash).

and now i really must go to bed and take my long rest for tonight whilst he's away, and hope for more strength tomorrow.

yes, he knows I will feel guilty, and he knows I will protect him, and i know he doesn't protect me i have been in a delusional mire. I really feel its my fault for not seeing that. although how can you when all the signs also say the opposite? his showing interest in things at the start that I now know he wasn't interested in, involving himself in them because I would be there, or bringing things to the house to discuss knowing it would get him in the door. then leaving his bags (overnight) there was this unwritten expectation that he would be staying and i remember feeling very put out about that, but not wanting to say anything, and that really is my fault, now its hard to say i wish i'd never met him, because i would never gotten pregnant.Saying how well matched we were, sort of tellling me rather than me finding out for myself if we were. Having others tell me we were soul mates??!?!?! I can't blame anyone else, i went along with it all. I have ended up nearly losing myself to this, and completely believing him over me, perhaps i didn't believe me enough to start with, but i remember being an awful lot stronger than i am now. I was moved in on and asked if i wanted a lodger FFS! even then couldn't commit to anything but definitely knew he was onto a good thing, and then spent the next however many years trashing me. I'll soon be traded in for a younger model, if he hasn't done that already going by what everyone's said further ^thread. Feeling stronger at the moment

You sound good and strong :)
This little baby has forced you to change your life around.
That's who your protecting now - not him.

bizarre but true, and i feel horrible, but i said something to a friend about it, and because he was away I couldn't bear to see him come back, his absence didn't make my heart grow fonder I can't bear to have him here. The friend is away but her husband is alone in the house and I told her and she said she would ask him if he wanted 'a lodger' to houseshare whilst she was away and yes, so I 'texted'! god thats awful and i feel guilty, but its my brother's place that i'm in so I think that gives me an advantage in leverage, and it means i won't have to see him. the friend's husband is expecting him and spoken to him and i'm out tonight while he gets the basics out. I am sitting here on pins, and crying, feeling a bit like I don't know what i've done and noone else knows,and i'm scared there iwll be trouble ahead because of it. But he doesn't know where I am and i'm not going back till he's gone. mostly i just feel scared, mixed with very upset. but its done. i cna't beleive the difference that being heardand hearing your support and validation for what's happendd has made. its been huge and althogh i keep swinging, the comments made here seem to be stuck in my head and keep arguing backwhen i feel weak and self recriminating again.

Oh, sugarcoated, I cannot tell you how proud I am to read this!

I've not been able to post for a little while, but have been reading.

The phoenix from the ashes is one image, but I also like the idea of a butterfly slowly and awkwardly emerging out of its crysalis. It looks like such a painful process, but is so spectacular when complete.

You are doing so well.
You are v strong.
You have organised your escape in a matter of days.

Godspeed.

Good for you!

Excellent sugar. You know one reason why no-one in RL has spoken badly about your DP is that that is the fastest way to lose a friendship. In my naive young I would tell friends when I didn't like their partners and all that happened was that I lost the friend. Fortunately I perfectly happy the partners my current friends have, but if I didn't, I wouldn't say, I value their friendship too much.

But you have progressed brilliantly in such a short time, sugar, I am so happy for you and your baby, even though it will probably take you some time to adjust, you will blossom

i got a text that 'i've got my stuff out', was so upset; that was just after i posted but i stayed out til really late scared that he would still be there, not trusting that he'd gone, but when i got back at nearly 11 his key was on the floor and i checked everywhere. he's gone!

i have checked that my passports are in the place they usually are and they are, and the records in my files (like birth certs and so on, they're all there too).

its a massive shock, and i don't know what i've done, but its done.

he never laid a finger on me but i feel sooo battered and wonder if i've just done a very cruel thing and very upset.

Great, great news x

Sugar, give yourself time to process all your emotions. Read back through this thread from the beginning to remind yourself of your thought processes that have lead to this point. Be gentle to yourself, and allow time for your head space to clear - you have gone through a massive change, you are pregnant and you will be ok!

Just read the thread and agree with everyone who says don't worry about why he does what he does, just carry on working on plans for life without your emotionally abusive H (and my word, how well you've done so far! Hope you start feeling good about it soon, as you really deserve to). For now it is enough to know you weren't happy and the relationship was not good for you.

However, when the dust dies down a bit, you might want to treat yourself to a copy of Why Does He Do That? Not only is your husband in there, I guarantee it, but your well-meaning counsellor friend, in the chapter about how professionals can collude with abuse. It is really spooky to see the situation you thought was unique and private written up in plain print as though the author had had a spy camera in your living room; and should help you to fully accept the fact you're beginning to realise, that it's not you, it's him.

You have done an incredibly KIND thing for yourself, and more than that for your child. The first things they learn will now be love and kindness, not rejection and criticism. :)

How are you feeling today?

Wishing you a very good first-day-of-the-rest-of-your-life

You have bravely taken a huge step and you are likely to feel battle worn.
There may be more challenges ahead, so yes, be very kind to yourself.

As to the 'why does he do that?' the answer usually does not go much further than 'because he wants to' and 'because he can'.
You have removed yourself from that.

Onwards and upwards, OP! Congratulations on achieving such a swift break and getting him out so quickly. Yes, it is abrupt and you will have a lot to process, but such a good start to your new life. Take care.

As you said, he never laid a hand on you, but sometimes bruises heal faster than what he was doing to you.

As said before, you will be like a phoenix, and if these are your ashes, I have great hopes for you and your baby.

I really hope I can just put all this behind me now, i'm going to go through this thread again and pick up all the links and use them to try to keep strong- he seemed so harmless and kind. Telling me kind things but not being kind.

I feel used and abused and a bit sick.

The words on here really proved to me my suspicions, that i've been nursing for a very long time i realise. I just couldn't or wouldn't see it through all the years of fog. I will know to stay away from those that make me foggy now.

I will also resolve to try really hard to stop blaming myself for not seeing it, not being able to stop it, or deal with it, and wasting so much of my life to it.

Still having the 'cramps' but no bleeding and not needed to use the scan number, and being really really badly sick. I'm not surprised I think it due to all the toxic poison of him. horribly conflicted about guilt and feeling sorry for him and thinking i've done a most dreadful thing and viewed it all wrong and been cruel to him.

Everything you are feeling is entirely normal and to be expected (and the one and only vaguely 'good' thing one might say about morning sickness is that it tends to suggest that there is an ongoing pregnancy ).

One foot in front of the other, and one day at a time.
Trite, but true.

I had cramps (really bad painful eye watering cramps) at the beginning of all my pregnancies I also had bleeding with all 3 as well, yet I carried full term all 3 times and delivered 3 healthy babies. I think that some pregnancies can just be that way my GP just told me to rest as much as possible.
Take Care