pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

Simply put from OP only I think you want to have this baby without your H.

He shows little respect for you.

Baby's come along when they come along.

You should not be worried about a partner getting angry at you if you are having a bad day. He sounds selfish.

Dont listent o your friend telling you that AD's are a way to deal with your DH being a wanker. That is absolute rubbish.

Seriously, with each post it's more red flags, your last one sounds like he is gas lighting you.

You want this baby - would you be ok with DH treating your child like he does you?

If not, then that's a pretty good indication about whether you should stay.

its very possible that he wants the status quo and nothing to change. he likes things the way they are.

however, no matter what you decide to do about the pregnancy, things will never be the way they were again.

what worries me is how you are describing his methods in keeping you were he wants. it sounds like he is trying to bully you.

You've said you don't want an abortion, and that you want your baby.
On grounds of that please don't terminate your pregnancy, it would be a terrible thing to regret.

You partner sounds like a twatmeister general. Are you sure you should stay with him?
Your friend has a point about the depression, I'd be depressed too with someone who intentionally makes me feel small and useless.

And early pregnancy does play havoc with moods and feelings of wellbeing. When i found out i was pregnant i was literally shaking with fear for weeks about what I'd done, how was I going to cope, the sheer shock of my life about to change forever.

And i did cope, and I'm very happy now.

I think we have just given you a massive shock.

Many abusive people are seen as fantastic by outsiders who don't live with them and are not their victim.

Also no abusive person is horrible 100% of the time. There is a cycle of nice/nasty where you are relived they are being nice again and think that is it. Until next time. If they were always nasty you wouldn't accept it however the lines blur. They start being a little nasty and before you know it escalates.

It can also get massively worse during pregnancy and when children come along. By then there is also the not wanting to disrupt the child's life.

I don't know any but there are normally some booms recommended in the relationship section which can be eye openers.

For now take care of yourself and your bump while you absorb the shock we have given you before making any decisions.

Booms = books

and you are not alone. We are the straight talking folk who are completely here for you ((hugs))

In my heart i cannot willingly end this pregnancy i feel very strongly about that

So don't :)

i feel more competley confused about the relationship

He doesn't contribute to your happiness in any way at all. I don't like advising people on their relationships, if anything because nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, but this time I'll make an exception...

Leave him. He might change his mind and utterly adore your child, but ffs don't forget how he belittles you - nobody needs that shit.

I'm a prize idiot and yet I've managed to forge a pretty good life for me and my pretty damn awesome so. If I can do it, I'd be surprised if you can't.

so = son.

my heads all blown what if its all just because I'm depressed and seeing things wrong and my friend who knows him and likes hiim and others find him likeable and wouldn't believe him to be anything bad. Hes not bad just for not wanting a baby, an abortion. the stuff he does is just because he gets exasperated with me and i'm sure i am exasperating.

i have to go for a while i'm getting so upset, but thats not what you've done just what i'm thinking you know, rerunning those things in my head. don't know wehther to believe me or her or here or him.

for the ((hugs)) wildthings itshardwhen people are kind to stay unmnushy about it all.

Someone mentioned gaslighting (something hes doing that is gaslighting me).

sorry for not catching all the names big thanks for kind supports

should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me

That says it all to me. Nobody should be considering antidepressants to "cope" with their partner.

So as a stranger just going on what you've written, I think you need to consider if you're in a healthy relationship.

You sound like you want to keep the baby, sounds like your partner isn't a keeper though.

Sugar

ITS NOT YOU, ITS HIM........

Sorry to shout, but you really need to understand this, he laughs and belittles you.

If any man treated me like that, he'd be out the damn door, and he'd lucky if he still had his balls.

I've been depressed to the point of a suicide attempt, guess what....

I'd dumped the man and got on the road of recovery with a child in tow.

You dont need this man, he will bring you down.

Anti depressants will not fix the cause. Him. not unless you stick a large enough quantity of them in his tea

If a relationship is affecting you negatively it is not a good relationship.

If you were depressed, a decent partner would be loving and supportive, not attack you for it or make you feel guilty. He also wouldn't make you feel grateful that he is staying with you.

You shouldn't have to question whether the loves you.

I'm sorry you are so upset :(

take time to really think what is important for you and your baby

and MN is always here (although 'relationships' would be a better place to post than AIBU.... because you are not, in any way BU)

It is NOT you.

He is making you question your own feelings and opinions. He is making you believe you must be wrong because everyone else thinks he's great. He is trying to force you into a decision you feel is wrong for you because if you keep the baby and he leaves you, everyone else will see him for what he is - a nasty bully.

It really isn't you.

Yes, perhaps consider asking HQ to move the thread to relationships.

had chance to get some air and clear my head a bit and get the emos out.

yes, relationships woudl make sense, although when I wrote this it was because I thought I was being unreasonable, and I don't think i am about the baby because I don't expect him to stay. how can i know whhether he would make a decision to stay with me just because he would look such a cad to leave? and me asking him if he loves me is just me being needy?

My friend has told me that I am reacting worse and worse to him and I agree. Shes toldme that its me with the problem and thats why I should get help, but it was actually her that said some time ago that something he involved himself in and shouted at me over wasn't anything to do with him and he should butt out and I hadn't even noticed that he was butting in but she was right he had taken an extreme view on something that was between her and I that she was fine with and he convinced me I was being horrendous to her? about?!!! went on a on at me till I was in tears. she sees my reaction as the problem and so do I since she said that when i had been thinking it was him just being really cross and indignant over something Id done that hed said was wrong but she'd said wasn't and wasnt anything to do with him. its not straightforward and she doesnt see why i would be so upset unless there is something wrong with me. oh i need another walk now

Sugar

Your friend sounds like a dumbarse and totally not on your side. You dont need anti depressants, you need to find your self worth.

Infact, the pair of them sounds totally toxic.

He says your being horrid to her about something and she says your the one with the problem.

Do you ever get to actually think for yourself. No wonder you feel so crap with these arseholes in your life.

do you have others in real life that you could talk to? Family? Friends?

You do need to find a better support network!

she's told me hes wrong involving himself in something none of his business but cant understand my reaction. i hold her in high esteem and i think this is why its affected me so badly because she is a counsellor /social worker/helps children/women within abusive families, so I believe her.

I want to know where my self-worth is at too now and feel a proper twit

Two points:

1. The reason you are reevaluating your relationship is because being pg has crystalized your (perhaps previously subconscious) belief that this is not a good relationship for a child to be brought into. This does not = abortion, but could =end of relationship.

1. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship. It doesnt even matter if your DH is truly lovely and not responsible for your unhappiness (nb I don't think this is the case!). What matters us how YOU feel?

If you know in your heart that this relationship is seriously flawed, then finish it. It is completely doable to manage without him. Thousands of women do it.

Good luck and stay strong.

The pair of them at best sound very know it all and controlling.

Look - don't think about them for a minute.

Think about you. What do you want out of life. What is going to make you happy?

Once you have an idea of that, you can see if either of these toxic sounding people can be part of that. You aren't a twit btw.

And it's possible that you are reacting worse and worse to him. That can happen when you have suffered emotional abuse for a prolonged period. That however does not mean that you have the problem (your problem is DH) or that you need help (unless it's help to leave).

She may be experienced professionally, but that doesn't mean she has any idea what goes on behind closed doors in your home.