pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

but then later he told me the psychologist told him i was a 'fucking controlling bitch'

this ^^^

Is absolute bullshit.

I think that's a pretty unanimous response

Another point abut the counsellor is that even if he told your H that you sound controlling (and the fucking bitch thing was your H putting words into his mouth), a counsellor would then make him work on whatever issues where making him stay with a controlling partner, etc., etc. The counsellor wouldn't just say you were controlling and the fault was all yours, and that was that. Lies, lies, and yet more lies, not even good lies!

Ive just read the whole thread and my only advice is run for the fucking hills

I apologise for typos (WERE, not where! About not abut!) - your story is so upsetting that it's making a massive pedant like me make mistakes!

OP, at a time when you are at your most vulnerable you are being horribly bullied and manipulated by this man:

"He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me"

"He takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel really down about everything now."

"He gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like I'm not allowed to worry or be upset"

"I don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accused of being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me."

"He is very for the doing the right thing in front of others, but he's so different indoors"

"He just keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke."

These are all your words from your first post....

Being treated like this is not OK

Please look into doing the freedom programme, it will help you identify abusive behaviour and think more clearly. If you follow this link you can do it online, anonymously, and for free. No-one need know but you.

Please also be careful about deleting your internet history, leaving your laptop around etc as it is important that your DH does not read this thread- this is a safe space for you.

No, I think he has confused chlamydia with conjuctavitus, which is a contagious eye infection.

Sorry, my phone seems to have dropped a load of posts.

There is a guide anywhere to deleting browser history etc in situations like this. Hang on, I'll find it..

There you go:

www.womensaid.ie/help/safeviewing.html

op to be honest .you will survive as a single parent .there is no greater gift that a darling baby
.but could you live with a man who wants to get rid of your baby .for no reason .I understand if there is a severe problem to your or baby sometimes termination is the best option .
..I say this as the mother of a disabled child .I realise not everyone wants a disabled child .my boy is my angel .but well that's another thread .if you not near your family .I would just up sticks and leave and be near them together with your family yous will be ok .think of you and baby and to hell with him

was continually picked at and undermined

And now he is doing exactly that to you OP

OP this just gets worse and worse. I agree with posters above that he has lied to you repeatedly.

Even if he was the great bloke he tries to portray himself as, this relationship is not making you feel happy, fulfilled and secure. You need a change.

my family are really family in name only really, they didn't take to him and i dont expect any support from them having not seen my parents for many years. there is some contact with a few members of family but they don't live locally.

I remember worrying about me having chlamydia and noticing that you can get kits to DIY but didn't bother because he doesn't have it, because he had it in his eye and you can get it from towels, but now I will!!! uuuuuurrrrrggghhh!

He's telling me that its my fault, its because I don't listen I have to be shouted at until I hear (and now I write that it does sound vvery wrong)

when he rages he does look very frustrated with me and I believe him (and as I write that it sounds pathetic), but I also believe what you are writing that those lines of my post written back to me sound wrong too. its very aggressive I think even though he is hitting his own head.

but if im just interpreting everything negatively (like he says) then I will see things this way (that hes takig the piss, and rmakes situations that confuse me -who said crazy-making yes that)

i am horrible. if i believe in what you all say, and i want to, it does mean that i am not to blame and that doesn't feel right because it all seems to stem from me.

I have ended up doing nothing. really, nothing. I am just exhausted, not going out. he doesn't arrange anything for 'us' I used to have 3 long-haul holidays a year, he manages to make me feel guilty that he doesn't come, but i always asked him and he would never commit to even taking days of holiday and a workaholic, but hes a really nice guy. He moans to others, but not in a 'moany' way, like I am, just a statement like 'no, i didn't go [sad face]' so poor him i think it looks.

he doesn't do anything! only what he wants. I have begged him to help me to remake the bed after I have stripped washed and dried it all and I find that hes gone to bed early and i think is asleep so that i have to sleep on rough blankets and all i can do it put sleeves back on my pillows.

I can see and know that i am not happy and feel trapped actually and a mass of insecurities and frozen, the worst of circumstances for a pregancy and baby

oh fuck again about the internet history

hes an it consultant and has everything i've ever done on a removable hard-drive that he just swapped from the pc, although he doesn't have access to my laptop (that iv'e done this on).

do they look the same? - conjunctivitis and chlamydia, when in the eye? It was a very alarming site and not something you could hide, when i've had conjunctivitis probably not since i've been with him, my eye has been very red and intensely itchy but not like a balloon?

Sweetie this is a vile and horrid man, you need to find a. Life away for him with you and your baby.

If you think he may read this then name change, also ask for thread to be deleted.

Btw re the eye are you sure that he didn't mean conjunctivitis?

Your op said: I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot

He sets traps for you? Are you safe?

I dont think you are safe with this man.

Do you think you lost contact with your family because your dh and them did not get on?

Maybe it is a good time to hold out an olive branch to your mum and tell him how scared you are of your husband and can she please help you?

You are being emotionally abused. Please look into posting on the relationship section as well. Then you will gain experience from people who have been through it too, as many who have already posted have.

He controls his actions, you are not responsible for them.

You have had little straws of self doubt added through the years. Now you are reaching saturation point. He is sensing you have had enough of his gradual erosion of your personality as it is getting to core pieces that just can't be changed. So now he is starting to present a picture to you and those around you that you are mentally ill.

Of course others will believe him as in public he will pick at what to the outside will seem like a minor thread. What they don't know is he will have been berating you for quite a while behind closed doors over similar themes so that your understandable reaction seems over the top to others.

Absolutely chlamydia is an std.

He stays because you fulfill his needs for power and control. He doesn't value the love you give him, he values your tears and submission when he has eventually convinced you day is night. He congratulates himself at how clever he has been to convince someone so sure of themselves of something they know to be untrue.
Of course he isn't like this all the time, it's a finely honed game of chess. Go too far and he will be unmasked. Say too much and even you will see through him. He has been taught this game since childhood, he knows it's rules and plays it effortlessly.

You must leave for you child's sake and your own. He will try to convince those around you that you have pnd and he will try to ruin the mother child bond as that is a source of strength he cannot allow you to have.

He will then either teach your child this game so they learn to pick on silly mummy and he can have a partner in crime and freeze you out. Or he will use them as another source to prop up his own self worth and abuse them too. This can be done no matter what gender your child is.

Please leave whether your pregnancy continues or not.

unfortunately my DM is not one for any sympathy, saying 'you made your own bed' and so on. i have never been able to go to her for support. i was vomitting in pain with a back injury as a teen and she still wouldn't call the doctor, and says things like 'oh don't be so stupid' if i feel upset about anything. Which just tells me really that its me getting upset about nothing and being stupid and overreacting, or being over-sensitive. i wasn't allowed by her to feel upset, and if i was happy or celebrating I would be told 'how can you be so happy when you know how awful things are for me right now'

I realise actually that I felt sorry for him over his reaction to my family but giving him sympathy as I look back i realise he was very capable of managing himself!??? its me thats not coping and feeling sorry for him, when he can stand his ground.

I havesoething serioiusly wrong with my eyes im starting to think

So, you are not really used to be heard, listened to, taken seriously, no wonder you dont trust your own judgement.

yes, they didn't get on, but i understood why they didn't get on, I was on his side.

if he goes on the way he is he is likely to just continue on with his own life whilst maintaining the same sort of this and ignorethe baby too, i don't know about babies atall and won't know what to do, (god i sound hopeless/hapless) but its worrying to think that he might shout like he does at me at a baby/child.

Do people really not shout at each other?

no, where do i go to get that QS the judgemetn thing? and where do i get the balls breasts from?

how can i feel like a decent intelligent person and at the same time feel bad and stupid.

^He stays because you fulfill his needs for power and control. He doesn't value the love you give him, he values your tears and submission when he has eventually convinced you day is night. He congratulates himself at how clever he has been to convince someone so sure of themselves of something they know to be untrue.
Of course he isn't like this all the time, it's a finely honed game of chess. Go too far and he will be unmasked. Say too much and even you will see through him. He has been taught this game since childhood, he knows it's rules and plays it effortlessly.^

oh this sounds like it takes a lot a intelligence planningand brilliance (with masses of sick intent). A work away weekend tested team personalities and cohesion. his report identiffied him as an 'intellictual snob' - not that they called him that, but that team mates could view him this way, as although astute and sometimes thinking outside the box he wasn't prepared to concede that other's could have vvalid point. He threw the report at me and said 'there'syour validation' . I of course, being thick about it - he seems to know the game and i don't - read the report from cover to cover and found these things which i figured is what he meant. I couldn't understandthat because how could he hear that from me, see it in the report, tell me its validation for what i've been saying, and then no further action. just more confusion trying to work out what he's saying with all that, maybe not wanting to see, or desperate to not face?

mostly i feel very confused and stupid and really not very good about myself anymore.

Be careful, having the baby will mean that you have to have a life long relationship with a man that sounds as if he enjoys hurting you and being cruel. If you go ahead with the baby you will never be free of the man.
I am not advocating termination, but the reality of having a child with a man like that is often that they use the child to continue to hurt you and they hurt the child too as they become a pawn in a the cruel game.
Think very hard. Leaving him whilst pregnant might not be the release you want.
And read the narcissist threads on here.