pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

You need to toughen up.

He is no longer the most important person in your life.

How you are feeling right now? Do you really want your child growing up, feeling like that all the time?

Abusers don't abuse indiscriminately. They know how to charm to lure their victim in. He won't appear odd to anyone else. My belief is that as you start to believe that your baby is more important than him, the abuse will get worse.

He may be screwed up psychologically and believe this is how you love or he may think he needs to control you to keep you or something else. Whatever the cause, it is a bad place for a baby.

i have seen the adverts forthe thing you said on hollyoaks Rainbow we have been married for 6 years now but together for 3 before that.

i do need to toughen up, writing this it does seem so bloody obvious and stupid of me, he is cold and moody and angry and i have exhausted myself, i think burnt out from trying on my own, so worn and weary and now pregnant. All i feel is shocked and surreal about everything he is happy and funny to others and never the stress head he is at home. he shut me out completely, no wonder i feel needy?? right? just repeatedly unsure of him butthen he's nice and i trust him but doubt myself as i even say that, because my gut doesn't trust him.

3 years ago he came home with Clamydia in his eye? he told me its highly infectious and you can get it anywhere. was it real?

i remember a time when my uninsured and untaxed car appared on the road (it was parked offroad and i had agreed to meet up at an agreed time with the neighbour to move it out the way for their delivery that day, but when i got home it had been moved). I got really cross and said how have they moved my car whilst my DH stood next to me, i was screaming at the guy for 'bumping' my car onto the road and leaving it there illegally parked and at risk. He just looked shocked and speechless. this was a great joke for my DH to tell people, how i'd accused this old guy of that, but now I realise its the style of my DH to do that and enjoy the joke of it, watching me get wound up and it can only have been him that moved my car onto the road and left it there and refused to tell me preferring that i blame someone else and get upset about it, which makes me look totally bonkers and i feel like i am

You sound like you'd benefit from the Freedom Programme. Have a look at Women's Aid.

He really does not sound like he treats you at all well.

The more you post the worse he sounds .

I have a feeling the burn out and exhaustion you describe would disappear the moment he was out of your life.

For what it's worth more women have been where you are then you probably realise. Clever, smart switched on women who suddenly realise after years of the chipping away.

When my first marriage broke down one of the abiding emotions I could remember feeling was 'thank goodness for that' at the relief of not having to keep up the non stop effort I was having to put in to deal with the mood swings. I loved him and it took a long old while to get over, but after that, lots of obvious things started to crystallise my thinking about the relationship.

Woman's aid may well help. You DH is an abusive man

Just came on to say:-
Congratulations
I really believe you can be much happier in the future if you leave this man. Don't let yourself become a shell of a person.
Book a double slot with your GP- take write notes
Look at 'women's aid' website
Have a look at this website www.lovefraud.com/2010/04/12/10-signs-that-youre-dating-a-sociopath/

i have woken in tears this morning. Like it all hits you again after a two second pause of its a normal day. Now it all feels cold and unreal. Its like im not pregnant as far as he is concerned. He doesn't make mention of it. and im worried about that because one of the main reasons i hadn't accepted the possibility of pregnancy was the impending feelings that i was just late, the usual crampiness and everything and now i know i am pregnant and still have the cramps (quite a lot last night) i find myself assuming it won't stay anyway that it will just turn into a period.

I feel so bad, and disloyal and like its me just interpreting it so wrongly that he mmust love me otherwise, like he says, why would he still be with me?

I am listening and trying hard to absorb what you are all saying about him, but i don't think you would thnk this if you met him?? IYSWIM. Why does everyone like him and only I have these problems of being negative around him? One thing I do know is that he is very stressed, and i do feel sorry for him. I know he had a really bad lot from his dad, was continually picked at and undermined and his mother is still banging on about her r/ship with him 20 years on. he was a drunk and remortgaged their family home to support his habit. DH was accused of being gay and generally demeaned from what he says.

The reason everyone likes him is because he puts on a front of a great bloke. But its all a lie, you get the real him.

The real him is a cowardly bully, who has to browbeat his wife to feel like a man.

You need to get away, do you want your child living with this?

It's sad that your husband had an unhappy childhood and that his father was not nice, but he is an adult now.

Seriously, this man in not good for you at all.

What's your housing situation? Mine was crap, but I got it sorted just in time for ds's birth. What about your parents? Can you go and see them for a bit? Siblings?

You know what? If he treated me the way he treats you, I wouldn't like him. Knowing how he treats you, I don't like him.

If I met him socially and didn't know any of this; yes, I would probably like him. But that's the issue, the rest of them do not know what he is really like.

he is stressed and gets extremely frustrated with me but tells what an easy-going guy he is,he has a very well paid job and 'keeps his nose clean' as he calls it. He is well regarded and in contact with lots of people and all his family (despite the awful difficulties).

but he drinks beyond drinks, and is a party person with the cocaine and everything. I find myself feeling sorry for him.

I looked on the website and he has that 'glare', and so does his dad. Another friend told me the other day that she was out and turned and saw him, went to acknowledge him and realised that he was glaring at her, she thought he must be looking at someone else and didn't understand and neither did I was this intentional or just that he happened to being thinking and looking her way? this is basically the essence of what i find myself doing, going over things that can be interpreted either way and feeling like im losing it totally in trying to work it out.

hes always said very clearly that he doesn't understand how men can hit women, i rememberhim saying about how can 'men who have sisters and mothers ever contemplate hitting women', but it struck me as odd as it seemed to come out of nowhere,

At this stage in the pregnancy nothing is assured. It is making you re-assess your relationship though. Baby aside, do you really want to stay with this man? Even if this baby doesn't make it for natural reasons, what about having children in the future? Would you want them to grow up with him as their father? Belittling them and playing tricks on them? Do you want to live like this?

Sugar, have a think about the logistics of leaving him. How is your financial situation? Not perfect obviously due to your job but can you borrow money for a deposit on a little flat to rent? Calculate what benefits you'd be entitled to, including the ones related to lone patents.

I understand you might not feel ready to actually leave yet but it would help to know that you'd be OK if you did choose to. And I think you would be OK

And maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships? You can 'report' your own post and ask MN HQ to move it.

Wildings the thing with him keep saying about how we don't have jobs or a place to live but we're having a baby, is acceptable to everyone else but its turning me inside out, like he's blaming me for being so stupid for considering it (again) and yet noone says anything to him as he has a very valid point right?

We have enough to cope with right now and how could i even consider it so its me not facing up to hard truths.

I would have wanted us to talk about children, but he doesn't and I take that as him not wanting them, especially now when this happened unplanned.

i'm struggling with this being abuse, you know what i've said so far and many of you using that word, as surely hes at worst just has a bbit of a sick sense of humour? well, very clever with his quips and easily cuts where it hurts?

im sure this is frustrating for you all contributing, sorry, as I can see i'm spiralling and don't know what to think, its me being over-sensitive and expecting too much, pushing him too hard. I can't believe that, i know he doesn't say it, but that he doesn't love me.

If you don't leave, you will probably never have children. Staying with him will preclude continuing this pregnancy.

That's a big sacrifice and one I doubt he warrants. I know this is a cliché but you have one life. Don't waste it.

Firstly, you need to know this - if he has got Chlamydia in his eye, then the ONLY way you can get it is through sexual contact. Yes, even in your eye. You can't get it 'from anywhere'. If he really has it, this means he has cheated on you. It also means you can catch it from him, or maybe have done already. If you do nothing else, you must get yourself checked out for it, for the sake of your unborn child and yourself.

With every new post, it becomes clearer and clearer that you are in a highly abusive marriage. Everything you describe is incredibly obvious and textbook abuse. I could have written a list predicting what you've written, from his horrible childhood, to his random bringing up of his opinions on domestic abuse. I say this not to make you feel daft for not spotting it, but to show you how clear-cut it all all is.

Btw, abusive men who don't hit often bring up the subject of domestic violence seemingly randomly and profess very noble feelings on the subject. However, what they are really doing is trying to convince you that the shitty way they treat you isn't abuse, by trying to enforce the idea that it only be abuse if someone is being hit. This isn't true, not at all. In actual fact, all forms of abuse contain emotional abuse, which is what he is doing to you.

My love, you could post on here about your relationship every day for the rest of your life, and not one single person will ever tell you that he is treating you acceptably. Whether they use the words abuse, or bullying, or him just being a bastard, you are being treated like absolute shit. And there's two guarantees with that: 1) that he's going to continue and just get worse, and 2) he will treat your child like shit.

And you can throw in a 3rd guarantee leading on from that: 3) that your child will grow up to either be a victim of abuse as an adult if she's a girl or that, if she's a boy, he will probably grow up to abuse women. Your husband witness his father abusing his mother and now he's abusing you. Please don't help him create a 3rd generation of victim or abuser.

PS Your friend saw him glaring at her because he dropped his 'mask'. People think he's a great guy because he puts on a front, an act. If it suits him to be nice, he will be. If it suits him to be Mr Popular, he will be. He wasn't doing his act, and he didn't get anything out of being nice to your friend, so he wasn't. It's an act with you, too.

Oh and I'd put money on him saying that he'll talk again about having a baby when times are better. He'll renege on this.

So he doesn't even say he loves you, and he certainly doesn't treat you like he loves you, and if he's got chlamydia in his eye, then he's cheated on you, but still you think he loves you? My god, what would he have to do to make you doubt it?!

I have a sick sense of humour, and make sharp jokes. However, I would live alone on an island and never see a human being again before I treated anyone the way he treats you. Having a dark sense of humour is utterly unconnected to this ABUSE. You'll have to find better ways of excusing his abuse if you want to delude yourself and lock yourself into a life of childless misery and suffering.

(That's sarcasm, btw. You need to leave this piece of shit)

yet noone says anything to him

Is he seeking lots of advice from people? Or, is he presenting it as 'decision made'? If so, people are not going to say anything.

And yes, he has a valid opinion. If he doesn't want children and he feels that current difficulties justify his position. I wouldn't argue against his decision either.

However, your position is equally valid. What's right for you does not have to be the same as what is right for him. And, is his argument more about the fact that he never wants to have children? How do you feel about that?

The reality is that there is a baby and just because he has decided what he think should happen doesn't mean you should accept that as decision made.

i thought he must have cheated on me, but he just gets angry that i never trust him and how guilty he feels going out all night and that he must be allowed his freedom, but i realise I don't trust him and he says that because i have trust issues.

I don't think i would go out all night though if i felt guilty about it? and why does every night out have to be all night?

I spoke to his mother years ago about his coldness and that i didn't feel loved by him and seriously did she think he loved me. She couldn't reassure me quick enough that he absolutely did and i was the best thng that had ever happened to him, his love for me was obvious.

Im not convinced that the baby will stay, but i know i want it to i'm just not convinced because of the crampiness that it fully exists as a pregnancy even though the test was strong. i would go tothe docs on tuesday but not sure they could tell me anything?

Have i spent all this time just deluding myself that he loves me instead of seeing it as something else, just refused to see it for what it possibly is? I don't think i should have to ask others if he loves me, but thats just how much i doubt myself and don't know which way is upl

You may be able to self-refer to a EPAU (early pregnancy assessment unit). Twinges and premenstrual-like discomfort are very common though.

Have a look here

Oh sugar :( I think you've hit the nail on the head - you have been deluding yourself.

Forget what he says - think about how he acts. He doesn't behave like he loves you, does he? He's spiteful and enjoys humiliating you. Don't think that he must love you because he stays.

You need to accept that you won't ever be able to do anything right and it's not your fault. It's him.

is this an absolute that he HAS cheated because of the eye thing.

I think you should actually stop worrying about if he loves you, and the amount or truthfulness of the love, and start focusing on how he treats you - which is abusively. He probably did, or still does, have some version of love for you, but that means ZERO when he treats you this way. If he loves you, it doesn't mean you should tolerate this. And it certainly doesn't mean, above all things, that love will magically make this all get better somehow.

Ask yourself this - you love him: do you treat HIM this way? Do. The other people you know treat the people they love the way he treats you? No, you don't and they don't. And don't try and find excuses or blame yourself, because the choice to treat you this way is all his, and the responsibility yo treat you like this is all his. You don't treat people you love the way he treats you, and you know that.

You have certainly been deluding yourself that this is what love is,and that you should have to put up with this treatment. You also doubt yourself because he is fucking with your head.

The stuff he says about going on makes no sense and you know it. The way he makes you feel confused about you getting it wrong is, again, totally classic abuse. It's like they follow the rules in a special handbook! He does it to get you so hung up in doubting and blaming yourself that you can't see the truth of his shittiness towards you. People talk about getting caught up in the FOG of abuse: Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Sound familiar?

If he felt guilty about going out all night, he wouldn't go, or he'd arrange for you two to go out together. And the way he insists on going out on your nights with your friends is classic controlling abuse too. It makes no sense to say he feels guilty about going out but that he 'must have his freedom' (wtf does that mean anyway? He means "you are not allowed any rights in this relationship"). You known it makes no sense, and that's why it confuses you - it IS confusing! And you don't have trust issues, you have an utterly untrustworthy husband, that's all.

Also: just because he tells you something about yourself, doesn't make it true. He's not God.

Just because his mother thought years ago that he loved you, doesn't mean she is right. Not only is she going to want to think the best of her son, she doesn't actually know what goes on when it's just the two of you AND she herself was the victim of abuse, and will have spent years minimising and denying and excusing it, so she not a reliable person to get true reassurance from on this issue.

You can get cramping for various reasons all throughout preganancy, it doesn't mean something bad is going to happen. But go to the Drs anyway, and also ask them how someone gets chlamydia in the eye. They will tell you 100% that you can only get it via sex. Actually, it's usually caight via anal or oral sex. Think about that.

why does he stay if he doesn't love me... i am feeling more and more stupid, why don't i understand this perhaps its me that cant cope after all. Can't cope withthe reality and simply refuse to see it for what it might be.

Why would he tell me that its chlamydia when that would be the obvious thing to think does he want me to think he's cheated, is he trying to tell me he has?