i have spent too many years feeling miserable and having him and me blaming me for that, and always trying to be 'up' and laughing at his jokes at my expense for fear of being accused of not having a sense of humour, and being so up myself.
I have been brewing for saying all this for a long time, but what stopped me, being told it was all my fault and i should shut up and get over myself and if i wasn't so miserable he would be happy with me, but now i write that it sounds like bollocks to me.
I was too scared to speak. i can see why i have stayed with him, feeling sorry for him, loving him, trying to help him, hoping and dreaming that yes, one day would come, and growing fear that took me to a dark place of being too scared of facing that i was all the horrible things he said i was.
i also know that in believing myself, i have to face the horror, and that is the cost of believing me, the years of pain and fear i have kept hidden and lied to myself about, but also continually challenged him over until my head doesn't know which way is up.
i needed to hear everything you have all said, and i guess needed to be heard too to be believed and feel support that i can believe what i feel and need no excuse, that i can go for whatever reason without reason, thats very freeing.
its blown my mind really, grief stricken at the loss of it all, but lighter at detaching from the awfulness of it, of him. he tried his usual Sunday night thing tonight, because we'd gone for a walk, and i always run late for everything so we didn't get out til later (but then I had to do 4 loads of washing and get lunch and plan dinner, and get the garden cleared), so i dreaded going because I thought he's gonna go mad later. He got cross that 'i thought we were going out fo rthis walk', so i quickly finished up everything and off we went and i spent the whole time not knowing how to be with him anymore and knowing how it would be when we got home, and then thinking, no i'm just imagining it, but i wasn't. and went off to bed and snoring after he's vented and some beers. I've been up crying, am exhausted again, and he went to bed after having ripped me up for doing everything wrong and being so late and just raaaaa, raging. but i've stopped, because i really don't like him anymore. i knew he would do this. he doesn't like me, no, so why is he with me, and yes, why am i with him. I hate it, the things he does, the way he treats me, and i hate my life here, its dingy and getting horribly predictable, that i never know when he will explode and blame me. I am annoying I can't keep to a schedule, and i oversleep always too exhausted /unhappy to get up and get on witht he drudge of it all. When i get good from teh relationship is when i have the energy to put all the effort in required,and no it shouldnt be that hard. its hard to face that he hates me, but its all i can think.
I'm calling round to see my tenant in the morning after he's gone to work to explain that i need to hurry things up.
I'm also starting to think that this might just be the way the pregnancy will be with me and my baby, broken sleep, and continual period crampiness and sick (started drinking ginger which makes me feel sick, but it then stops me feeling sick,which is weird), mainly because i feel so sick that i must have the sticking hormones from the baby, and more than once its been said that this can be normal too, and not even spotting.
I don't want to be like this anymore, and without him i might be better, and i certainly won't be scared, but i am scared of his being enraged at this happening, when its over, but i don't want to worry anyone, i won't be around for any reaction from him. he probably won't care less and say good riddance, which really tells me everything i need to know. I have to hang on to those thoughts