pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

Sorry, the reason I mention the chlamydia thing is although I know very little about either, I do know that it increases the risk of ectopic pregnancy. In my mind, this in itself would justify having an early scan, even if you don't bleed.

He sounds like a sociopath, to me. Someone with low or no empathy who enjoys causing pain to others. I worked for someone with anger issues once. He was extremely charming to almost everyone else, to the point where even quite close friends & associates of his didn't believe what he was like (everyone else he'd ever lost his temper with did, though). Even he would never have made that cancer comment.

yes i did a test in the week too, and it was easy and the result was veyr quick, all clear. does that mean he didn't have it?

Why would he tell me he had that in his eye? did he want me to believe he had cheated because everyone here has told me theres no other way he could have it in his eye, surely you'd just lie and call it something else right?

this he knows he's doing this btw what does this mean, really, that he knows he does this, that he deliberately sets out to trip me up psychologically.

Do you know, he is always pretty withdrawn from me, apart from when he needs support, or when he's angry and shouts, that includes phsycially, apart from when he has reduced me to a gibbering mess, head scrambled and sobbing that he pick me up with a kiss and erection .... my head is fucked and then he is interested in me sexually.

how idd i ever get int this horrible mess.

Oh that's even worse. He reduces you to a wreck then expects sex.

Oh OP, please leave. Please get out for you and your child's sake. This is not an environment to bring up a baby. Do you want this influence on your child?

Of course he knows what he's doing. It's manipulative behaviour. He can control you.

he has reduced me to a gibbering mess, head scrambled and sobbing that he pick me up with a kiss and erection

That bit makes my skin crawl. He gets off on making you upset.

Does he also get off on setting little traps for you so you get hurt?

Jesus. What pobble said.

its^make-up' sex right? but it feels horribly confusing and like i should do it but dont want to, but i do? i normally quietly cry during it, but he doesn't seem to notice

what worries me is that the moment he kisses me he already has the erection, sorry tmi

the traps-like the car, when i have no proof, but they couldn't have bumped my car couldthey and had no idea what i was talking about, and why wouldn't he chip in? well you would right, i would, if it were the other way around that his car had been moved and he was getting hysterical about it i would try to help calm the situation and say calmly and ask them to explain why they didn't wait for the car to be moved, but he stood silent and then told other's after about it, laughing. Or often made arrangements with me only to deny it and make me out to be mishearing, or yes, the shouting thing, any reference back to that was met with I don't remember that - like I made it up

Oh OP I have been in relatively short relationship like this and remember the feelings oh so well.

And you have been with this person for so long and you had your mother before you.

I really will find life is much more pleasant without him, really you will, but whatever you decide, I think you could do with some RL therapy.

You have been lead to believe for so long that your thoughts, wishes, ideas are all stupid and wrong, you don't know what to think or believe anymore. You are looking for love from him when, from what I read, you have ceased to love yourself.

OP, why do you think this is all ok?

If you read this, if it was a friend, would you tell them to stay, that this was normal?

Please phone Women's Aid. This is not in any way a normal relationship. Not at all, not a little bit.

You are in a horribly abusive relationship and you absolutely need to get out.

sugarcoated, good grief, you poor thing.

I am really sorry you are finding yourself in this situation.

Is there any way you can get away from your H - even just for a little while so you can think about your options without him distracting gaslighting you?

Yy to contacting Women's Aid.
Have a look at the Freedom Program - he is manipulating you in the most horrible way and is emotionally abusive. He may not be beating you, but what he is doing is vile and destructive.

You and the baby that may result from this pregnancy deserve better than what he is 'offering'

fwiw my partner is a bit of an arse and right now we're not getting on well at all. We've been together for about 15 years and have a teenage son (although we weren't a couple when he was born, and lived apart until our son was at school - it's a bit of an unconventional set up). I have regular daydreams about winning the Lotto and fucking off - if I was more financially solvent I would have left some time ago.

His behaviour is not a patch on your husband's. Please kick this man out now. I'm sure I've said this already, but you only have one life - don't waste it with this utter prick.

It isn't make up sex. It is keep you in your place and control you sex as he wants a shag and you are a sure thing so will do. Sorry but the more you stay with this prick the more of yourself you will lose.

One day you will see and you will leave and you will wonder why you stayed so long and wasted so much of your ONLY life on a man who isn't worth a thing. Make it minutes longer not years.

His behaviour is not a patch on your husband's - by which I mean it is nowhere near as bad

Couples make each other happy. Yes there are rough patches, but what you're describing is not a rough patch - it's a horrible, dysfunctional, fucked up existence. Get rid.

He is messing with you to get you hurt and confused, because it is part of his sexuality. It turns him on, that is why he does it. It is foreplay.

Maybe on some level he understands that something needs to change as your pregnancy progresses and there is a baby in the house. I dont want to know what he will be capable of. It is a scary thought.

It's not that he doesn't notice you crying during sex, it turns him on.

It's hideous, hideous.

Sugarcoatedthorns, I have read all of your thread and I can see the pain you are in as you try to come to some sort of definitive answer about whether he loves you or not. The best indicator of how he feels is that he is usually physically withdrawn from you and disinterested, yet he gets an erection when you are terribly distressed and sobbing. A normal man would never enjoy sex with a crying woman. You say he doesn't seem to notice. Yes he does: how can you not notice that the person you are having sex with is upset? He just pretends not to and carries on having sex with you anyway. It is disgusting. Please, please listen to the advice to contact Women's Aid: you are close to believing that this is normal and acceptable. The fact that you are on here asking questions is a sign that you are still strong enough to know your own mind and that this is not normal.

I've shuddered through this thread sugar. This entity you live with is evil, malicious and sadistic. Way back you said:

he drinks beyond drinks, and is a party person with the cocaine and everything

So he abuses alcohol and drugs as well as you.

I also wondered if this alleged "friend" of yours was who he cheated with but as he's out all night whenever his freedom calls, this matters only in the sense of discrediting anything she says. Or at least making it suspect.

This whole situation is crazy-making and you are absolutely not safe there. I think you should be looking to make a very swift escape. And an escape it will be because you're a captive and it breaks my heart. I was one too.

what a headfuck, it makes me feel like he is loving me, as in, being kind and gentle to me when i'm upset.. jesus christ

i don't feel good, i do feel like a spend a lot of energy trying to be ok and trying to understand and blaming myself for that, that i am tryingto understand and make something work that he doesn't seem to be, unless i get to a point of really ultimately challenging the relationship then he acts like he can't understand what could be wrong and 'i though we were over this' and then grand gestures, which convince me that he does want to be with me.

i am sorry that others have had a horrible time. Its not me then, he would be like this with anyone? but he isn't otherwise other people would know too? He says i forced him to go to counselling, but i really didn't, its another one of the things he did of his own volition because he said he needed 'anger management' in one of his times of trying to appease me so we didn't split up, but he didn't have that he had psychologist he said who told him what a controlling bitch i was, like i said already.

Mostly i wake, or fall asleep to the bed shaking (as he ...well you know).or rather don't fall asleep, feel horrible and weird and sometime teary that i'm ignored in preference for his hand. That no, that doesn't feel like he even likes me. Does he hate me?

Does he hate me?

That's not such an easy question to answer. It isn't even the right question.

Thing is, this "man" needs you very much. When (not if) you have left, he will have to find another just like you. Someone wrecked from the start by dysfunctional parents, hopelessly trying to please someone, anyone, everyone to prove that she's not a waste of space, stupid, pointless, ugly ... and so on and so on.

Abusers like yours may not have a register for "Love" ... there is only the satisfaction of need and the thrill of escalating control.

Maybe a better question would be, "Can you start to love yourself?"

and he did not have that therapist who said that rubbish ... HE thought it up specially for you and HE said it ... yes? Can you see that, please, sugar ...

Yes, he would be like this with everybody in all likelihood.
He is damaged and damaging
He likely does not like himself v much and needs to belittle to feel better.

Look, this thread will never fully answer your questions.
In some ways this unplanned pregnancy may hopefully be the catalyst to give you the strength to see past the headfuck and protect yourself and your baby.
Find some distance - is there a safe way you can go to? Even for a little while? See your parents/friends for the weekend?

Many abusers get more violent during a pregnancy and thereafter - please make sure you are safe.

Many people go for 'anger management' and expect to be 'fixed'. They often only go because of some external force made them go: maybe they lost it at work or towards the police or something.
No therapist ever has told any client that their partner is a 'controlling bitch' - he did make that up.