i have put a password on my laptop, and I have phoned WA tonight after he left. he has gone for two nights on work. it was a long call and they were very supportive, although I didn't really know what to say. I was quiet for quite a lot of it. The lady was really helpful though and kind. Its a lot easier to speak here when you seemed to know what I'm talking about, but to say it from scratch to anyone else has me doubting myself.
I did look at the link, thank you, and i read in disbelief really that he could be being so sinister, but i think he is actually. He says very little, and does abandon all the time, and is very cuttin gwith sarcasm but Mr Funny to others, and calls himself easy-going but I can do something wrong and not find out till it all comes out in a hurling temper way. He is like that, and i'm sure he lies but I can never ever get to the bottom of anything because he shuts me down and/or gets really angry.
You women here will never know how much your support has meant to me, the most you can know is by me writing this. I can't cope with him shouting in my face. I am really fed up with it.
I am concerned about my friends, and I do spend so much time worrying about what everyone thinks and scared that they think I am so horrible. I know that I have felt truly unhinged for a long time now, and been erratic, but yes, very 'dangled' as it says in the link. I remember my big birthday a few years ago, where he literally just disappeared taking no notice of me whatsoever, and another time where he actually left me with a complete bunch of strangers miles from home and went drinking and drug taking with his best mate.
I seem to think so little of myself that I go back for more, and yes, he knows it. He gaslights me. I have round and round conversatiosn with him where he accuses me of just not understanding what he's saying. I know I have misunderstandings with others, but I wouldn't say any more than anyone else, but I have misunderstandings with him all the time, but there always seems to be a key bit of information missing that would make things clear. Then theres the arrangemetns and agreemetns that are made and denied later, that he's agreed something with me and it turns out to be all different to what I 'd expected and I look stupid and unnecessarily upset. I feel a dope and useless. He has told me that noone will ever make him do anything he doesn't want to do! it says that on that link. Noone else sees any of it, they just see the mad overpossesive or selfish emotional wreck of a wife that can't seem to keep herself in check anymore. I'mvery unhappy.
oh and WA told me to get to a freedom programme if i had one near enough to go to, and i do have time on the day that one is running near me so im going to go to see if it helps me makes sense of this horrible scrambled mess in my head.
I am hanging onto the fact that I am so worried about what everyone thinks of me, and wanting to make things right in the home, and the one thats crying and trying to understand, and he just isn't, and thats what makes the difference? He knows what s going on and is, yes, in control, although he says I make HIM miserable, but he doesn't put any effort into 'us' and i do, always trying to do stuff together.
I am going to ttry to catch my tenant early in the morning before work tomorrow for an update. the constructive dismissal thing i really can't face. I know what they're doing is wrong, its been blatant in front of colleagues too, but i cannot face it its a bridge too far for me. I was also forced into signing my pension across regardless of me resisting all the way and never having attended any of the meetings, but i've doneit under duress because there is too much other stress going on and i'm passed caring or having the energy for it all. They are umming and aaahing about how long I have to serve notice, because of my position its supposed to be 3 months, but they want me on gardening leave as another company way up country has tried to poach me, but i can't go there now and do that travelling job with a baby on the way. this is more informaiton that you need. Basically, its meant that they want me out, on gardening leave for the remainder of my 'notice', which at least gives me time to try to sort things out whiilst im being paid so thats good.
you will never know how much your support means to me really so much.