pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

OP I feel like you're asking the same questions over and over.

He isn't like this with everyone, he chooses to be like this with you because he can be. He can treat you however he wants behind closed doors, why would he be like that in public where everyone can realise what a nasty abusive prick he is?

I don't know if he hates you, I think he enjoys hurting you, I know that he manipulates and controls you.

Do you not worry about what sort of household your child is going to grow up in?

Oh I totally agree, he made up that comment about you being a controlling bitch.

I swing between being horrified and thinking yes, it must be a load of rubbish.

because no professional person especailly a counsellor would speak this way.

Something in my head can't get over that someone could seek to be this way, like actually really be so nasty that it must be excusable in some way? due to stress or other things, like yes, also me not being nice, etc.

I think i am Pollyanna and just plain stupid

You are not a Pollyanna and you are not stupid - you have been very successfully brainwashed, sorry

And no, what he is doing to you is not 'excusable' - he is responsible for his behaviour whatever the explanations might be for it.
Plenty of stressed people are not nasty.
Nasty people are nasty and he's one of them.

Part of emotional abuse is training you to not trust your own judgement any more and that is what you are just coming to realise.

Look, even if it was excusable - which it totally is not! - that still doesn't mean you should put up with it! And the sexual scenarios you describe are sexual abuse. Only someone deeply abnormal, perverted and abusive could even think sexy thoughts upon seeing their partner distressed and sobbing, much less expect/demand sex, and as for going through with it... ! And he knows you are crying, let's not be silly and pretend he doesn't. He is sadistic, it is so clear to anyone reading this merest snapshot of your life with him. And if you don't get a choice about having sex with him, remember that is rape. No grey area. He doesn't get to call sexually abusing you 'make up sex'. If you don't want it, it must not happen.

What has gone so wrong with your earlier life that you will accept and normalise and escuse this, my love? No-one deserves this treatment.

And understand this - even if were are a total piece of shit, the most horrible person who ever walked this earth (I suspect you are not!), then that STILL does not give him the right to treat you the way he does! Even choosing to be this awful to an awful person would make him a total scumbag, a vile, controlling, nasty bastard. And you're not horrible, are you?

Keep on asking yourself the question I said: could you imagine yourself treating another human being the way he treats you, even of you were incredibly stressed and that person was awful? No, you know you would never stoop so low, be so foul. So stop making up excuses for accepting being abused. There is a child within you whose future life will be ruined by the presence of that man, and by the dynamic of his abuse of you. Time to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, even your husband, and think about yourself and the baby.

when you say that OB no, i could not. I might be demanding and pushy at worst, or sometime sarcastic (looking at the worst bits), but i couldn't hold firm if i thought i was causing upset. all bets are off then!

I wish i hadn't written that sex thing, there's something horrible happening when I read it back, i'm not dealing with it very well andits a bit phsycial too, if that makes sense to anyone. can we not write about that please?

i do worry about what others will think of me

You are dealing with this very well - writing it all down may well help you to see it as we all seen it: as horribly twisted abuse and mistreatment of you.

What 'others' are you worried about? Nobody is judging you here.
Is it family or friends if you chose to distance yourself from him? If they love you, they'll support you. If they don't, there's support here and contact Woman's Aid.

Oh my love.

You're not stupid. He's just brainwashed you for a very very long time. Men like this carefully choose women who are very loving and trusting, and then they start chipping away. It's what they do. THis is not your fault.

Men like this, I call them "cripplers". They're so pathetic, they have to break a woman down to nothing so that she can't leave them. Like breaking a dog's legs so it can't run away, rather than just being nice to it so it doesn't want to run away. That's how they make themselves feel safe and powerful -- hurting people so that they can have power over them.

His treatment of you is so upsetting. I will not get into the sexual stuff further than to say it is wrong, wrong, WRONG.

About the shouting. The only time it's OK to shout at someone is when it's an emergency and their life is in danger so you have to get their attention/action! DH have been together for 10 years and we have had our fair share of rows... he has shouted at me MAYBE five times. Probably three times.

You keep asking if he loves you. Whether he loves you or not is not the issue. Parents who abuse their children usually love their children at the same time. Many men who beat their wives will swear, tearfully, that they love their wives and that they were driven to it.

Its not about love. It's about treating your partner with basic respect, allowing them basic human dignity. He's not doing that hon. He's not. You can't be near him and you CAN'T let the baby near him.

You desperately need real life support. Please, phone Women's Aid and arrange counselling for yourself. Do the Freedom Programme, even do it online. You MUST take action for your baby. You and your child are in dreadful danger.

Fucking hell. please get yourself away from this nasty twisted evil piece of shit! I feel so scared for you, every post is just worse and worse. [:(]. This man is vile, he gets off on making you unhappy, please start making plans to get as far away as possible from him. He doesn't love you, he hates you and is enjoying hurting you and making you unhappy.

You worry about what people will think of you, OP. First of all, nobody here knows you in real life, but I think most of us are thinking "there but for the grace of God go I".

As I said I had a small taste of that type of relationship, but I did not have your upbringing that made you even more vulnerable.

Thinking and worrying about you, but the fact that you opened this thread is brilliant and I can see you breaking out from this situation.

OP, you need to stop asking why he behaves like this and looking for reasons for it, as you aren't going to find the answers, and instead get out of this situation.

You also need to stop thinking that it's you causing it, it isn't, he's made you feel this way.

You need to get out of this destructive and abusive relationship for your safety and also for the safety of your baby. You cannot have a baby in this environment. You and the baby are the most important thing right now, you need to take care of yourself and look after that baby, which means seeing a mw, and being in a place of safety where your baby is not going to grow up with an abusive father.

Please do this.

Listen and get help please xx

Reading your posts is pretty upsetting, particularly the "make up sex" ones (hair-raising). You are in an abusive relationship and I am worried for your safety & sanity if you stay with this man, particularly if your pregnancy continues. Please take the advice of wiser posters here who have walked a similar path in the past and get out.

Everyone is right, you know - you need to stop tormenting yourself with endlessly wondering why he does the things he does, and says the things he says, etc., and just concentrate on the fact that he DOES do and say them, and they are abusive and wrong and you should not tolerate them, and need to leave. Women stay with abusers for years, their whole lives, being destroyed and ground into nothing, often until they are killed, and their children are damaged and often grow up to become abusers or abuse victims themselves.

And that is something you cannot avoid addressing - if you're interested in why he abuses you, the answer will lie in his own childhood. He will have been treated badly, and/or seen his mother being treated badly, and it taught him how to be a man in a relationship. Now think about the child inside you - are you willing to allow that child to grow up to be an abuser or victim? Don't say you wouldn't let him upset or hurt your chuld, because if you aren't willing to remove yourself from his abuse, it doesn't bode well for the child's future. You can feel sorry for the child your H was who was damaged, but you cannot tolerate abuse and, in the future, demand that your child tolerates being damaged, all because you refuse to accept that the cycle of damage and abuse needs to stop NOW.

I'm not trying to place blame on your shoulders, but you need to start being responsible. Stop making him the source of your happiness and meaning. He isn't going to treat you correctly or make you happy, so you need to do that for yourself.

No-one needs to delude themselves they are loved enough to put up sith what you do. Better to be alone forever than abused.

i remember being different, before i mean. before i met him, and i have fought with him through all this (resisted and challenged events), but mainly i doubted myself horribly throughout, or more and more until now i don't know whats happening. Whats so painful is that he's not interested in the baby, and I don't dare to hope about the pregnancy as the doctor gave me the scan number. Feeling so sick and ill and tired and in hell really within my head spinning with it all.

I feel like the one that was totally responsible for everything, all the housework all the social planning (well, there was ours, and then there was his - which consisted of football/drink really). Just like he hasn't engaged in our life together and ensured if i was responsible he could blame me? I think if he'd been obvious i'd had got it straight away, this feels like stealth bullying.

If he hit me in the face just once, say, thats easy. but 'knowing' that he would never hit me, yet feel terrified because of the way he is so angry and looks at me this way like a punch in the face isn't the only thing he'd like to do to me.

this is my only way ofgetting this out. I can't say more than that at this point really, although i have looked at the website, and found the chapter inthe book really upsetting, like it happens to other people and can't be happening to me, i'm making it up and its not that bad.

I know it is hard.

But please keep posting and thinking and looking at various information.
You owe it to yourself and to your baby which you clearly love already.

Be very kind to yourself.

Gaslighting

Emotional abuse

Sorry to be abrupt, I need to go out.

Can I copy and paste the thing from the other thread? About the mn calling cards.

I shall say this only once

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you

OP, I am in no way minimising physical violence, especially as so many women re killed by partners or ex-partners a week in the UK, but - if I was to walk up to you and punch you really hard in the face now, what do you think would still be upsetting and damaging you in 10 years time: the pain of a punch in the face or how this man has systematically broken you down and made you doubt yourself to the extent that you will excuse and blame yourself for even the most outrageous and obvious abuse?

This man does not need to hit you. He has broken you down enough to not need to, and he gets enough a kick out of the abuse he already metes out (which is very severe, please understand that) without needing to. Besides, he does physically abuse you - I know you asked not to mention sexual issues, but it's pretty obvious that he sexually abuses/rapes you too.

Men this sinister and systematic in their abuse generally don't hit (unless they feel the need for a little something extra to keep you in line). It allows them to lie to themselves that they're not abusers, look good to the outside world, and they have their victims, like you, so confused and so doubting of themselves, that it makes them grateful they're not being hit.

This is a dangerous man. He doesn't need to use his fists to destroy you. He's doing a pretty good job of it so far without hitting, isn't he, you poor thing?

So are you saying OP you're waiting for him to hit you before you leave??

You really do not want him to hit you so that you can leave. Be an adult and kind to yourself to acknowledge that what he is doing is already abusive and more than justification to leave. Anyone can leave a relationship for any reason give it just because they want too or because they have been assaulted and everything in between. If you need to be hit before you can go then you have even more problems that you already do. What if he hits you so hard you fall and lose the baby? Get out now. This man is horrible and you are not safe with him. Neither is your baby.

this is horrible, its horrible. No i don't want him to hit me, but i do recognise that i have wanted him to!!!!! ffs really! yes i actually have bcause that felt easier than the car crash of an experience i am subjected to.

This is the only place i can, or have said this in asking for others opinions. I have spent probably about a year hanging about on other forums lurking to see and been too scared to speak of my own experiences because i felt so wrong and that i made things this way, my blame, but it does tell me something was wrong, so i do know somewhere, but i feel mad frankly.

i kno wyou are wanting to be blunt for a reason and you are pressurising me to see it, and i know why, but please don't put those words in this thread not the ones I said about not having here on my thread.

Ok, Op, there are things you don't want to look at for now. That is understandable, as they are so bad, but not facing them will not make them go away.

Why are you with him?

Could you leave him and have the baby?

Being hit would be "easier than the car crash of an experience i am subjected to"

And being single and completely away from this man would be even easier than either of the above options, OP.

Do you know you can leave him for absolutely no reason at all if you want to? You do not have to have a reason, or put that reason into words. There is no law that says you have to stay. You don't even need to have a conversation about it. You could just free yourself.

Do you actually want to stay, though?

I was wondering OP, do you feel like unless he hits you, you don't have a valid reason to leave? Or that people won't believe you?

Because both are rubbish. You can leave for whatever reason you like, you don't even have to have one. And who gives a fuck what people think?

The most important thing is that you and your baby are safe and happy and relaxed and cared for. Currently none of these things are happening.