I am such a trusting fool.

[GoshWhatAPickle]

Sorry, this is going to be long. My life has been ripped apart.

It's DP's sister's birthday tomorrow and I have a parcel and cards to send to her. I know she sent her new address to DP via Facebook so I called him at work to ask if I could log on to his account to retrieve it. He gave me his password, we chatted for a bit and said goodbye. As I was logging on he phoned back sounding slightly panicky saying he'd changed his password and couldn't remember the new one so not to bother and he'd phone his sister for the address. Can you guess where I'm going with this?

Of course, there was no problem logging in and his password hadn't changed. I found messages, sixteen of them, to his ex-wife and three other women describing in graphic detail that he was masturbating while thinking about them and what he would love to do to them, given the chance. On one lovely conversation he describes how he is in a loveless, sexless relationship but is unable to leave as we have a child and I have mental health problems and will kill myself if he leaves me. These messages go back to last year.

As far as I was concerned we had a very loving, far from sexless relationship! We're due to be married next year, have been together seven years, have a four year old son. I don't know what to do. I've vomited, been on the loo for the last hour (sorry TMI).

I have NEVER had any cause to doubt him, never. I thought we were lucky. What am I going to do? I am in absolute shock, shaking, retching. And now here come the tears. Oh God. Who IS this man? He has been phoning for the last hour, no doubt wanting to check he hasn't been caught out. Oh God. I don't know if I'm asking for help or advice or what, I needed to get this out. I cannot deal with this.

Just want to say I hope you have managed this evening with ds.

Let your friend take care of youx

Hope you got some sleep pickle?

Wow pickle, you are being very strong. Amazing. You will need to draw in that strength in the coming days, weeks and months.

My ex didn 't cheat but I did discover a huge betrayal of trust that meant our marriage was over in a heartbeat. Not dissimilar to your situation. I won't lie. It was awful. I had a 5-year old and a 2-year old at the time and its been a rough 18 months. But I was strong. I set myself daily goals at first then slowly slowly started setting longer ones creating a path for mine and the childrens future.

I'll never be happy at how our lives were ripped apart but I am much more pragmatic about it now. I'd rather have an honest life alone than a life built on lies with someone who clearly has no respect for me.

Practically, get on to tax credits, housing benefits etc. The website entitledto.com will give you all the information you need.

Emotionally get your support network in place. You are going to need friends like never before. Once the anger subsides and reality sets in you will need people who will let you cry and cry as much as you like.

You will get through this. And be better off without this lying deceitful wanker in your life. z

Morning Pickle. Another voice here saying how amazingly well you have handled this discovery.

I'm sure your friend is looking after you, it's amazing how much real life support will help.

He is the fool, not you. His is an utterly self-centred, weak idiot. You are devastated but you have already shown how strong you can be. Second DillyBob's advice on contacting the council re discounted council tax etc. When you feel able, check here for benefit entitlements www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

Wishing you well. One step at a time

God, what a disgusting pig, in particular him contacting his ex wife and telling people you are potentially suicidal so that they don't blame him for cheating on you and being a general disgrace.

Tell him that he's damn right that he is currently in a loveless, sexless relationship: it became one the minute you found those messages.

I have been in a similar situation: we didn't have a child, but had been together seven years, had bought a house and discussed marriage. He did did all the same stuff: joined dating/sex sites, emailed women and lied that we had no sex and changed passwords to hide his tracks etc. I was stupid enough to try and forgive him and the bastard did it again. To do this kind of thing to someone, you have to be starting from a place of selfishness, lack of morals and ease at deception, and I think someone is either capable of that kind of betrayal any number of times, or they find the idea awful. I'm not sure you can go from being a lying, cheating, selfish fuck to wonderful husband material.

You have had a bit of a lucky escape by finding out his true colours before marriage. As for your poor DS: how dare he try to blame you for splitting up the family when he was telling women that weren't his son's mother he was wanking over them. He is entirely responsible for the shit storm now on his doorstep, not you.

Oh Pickle and a

Just two one though. X

Hi Pickle

I've been thinking about you today. Hope you're ok

Another one thinking about you here, fwiw, you have been AMAZING, I wish to god I'd said those things to XP when I discovered he'd been up to similar.

We have a DS who was nearly two when I threw him out. You know what, he is absolutely fine. XP will have the lovely job of explaining why his mum and dad aren't together when he's old enough to ask.

For now, it sounds like you are being really sensible (asking your friend to stay and giving her your mobile etc). It will hurt for quite a while but fuck him, who gave him the right to do this to you? He does not deserve you. You did not love him, you loved the lies he was force feeding you.

The brilliant posters on here kept me sane so keep posting when you need to vent or cry but you know what? Life as a LP is soooo much better than life with a cheating wankface.

Hope you're ok lovely.

Oh pickle....what a twat.

I've been in the position you're in, I've just remembered the feeling of reading their conversations, feeling and hearing my pulse about to burst out of my temples. Horrible horrible horrible. :(

I keep thinking of the text he sent saying "please don't do this to us!"
As though you are the one who is wrecking the relationship!!

Well, now you know how good and determined a liar he really is. Laughing over the 'fraudster' trying to get laid indeed!

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I feel for you very keenly. Massive hugs. xxxx

Hello, everyone. Have read through all of your comments and had a little cry at the wonderful support you've given me. Thank you so much

Today has probably been the worst day of my life and I'm not doing so well, to be honest. He came round this afternoon to collect his laptop and some more things and we spoke briefly. He looked like crap and stank to high heaven of stale alcohol, which was nice. Judging from the increasingly incoherent messages he sent through the night he was working his way down a bottle of vodka - not that I read them, I'd taken a sleeping tablet and my friend had turned my phone off and kept it in her pocket in case I was tempted to turn it on. She's been wonderful and slept in my bed with me last night to help keep me from crying. We've been best mates since we were thirteen and we're very close.

I have told him I'm still not ready to see or talk to him for any length of time but that there is no chance of a reconciliation, that DS and I will be finding a new home and he needs to start thinking about his own living arrangements as I doubt he'll be able to afford the rent by himself. He didn't attempt to challenge any of this, couldn't even look me in the eye, the scab-ridden shitsquirrel. He didn't ask about DS or what the arrangements would be regarding shared parenting, but I don't think he believes I'm going through with any of this, his texts suggest he thinks this is all just to frighten and punish him. Wonder if he'll be so compliant when he realises I'm deadly serious. Dickhead has even been posting songs on my FB wall, ones we were discussing for our first dance.

Friend is going to stay with me for the next few days as her two children are stopping at their dad's this coming week. I don't feel half as strong without her around. DS is completely oblivious to what's going on and hasn't even asked about his dad as he's used to him not being around on Saturdays as ExP's been doing gardening fora ffriend's firm the last few weekends. He spent most of the day in his friend's garden today, only coming back for food and the loo and crashed out with exhaustion at 7 and couldn't even stay awake for a bath! He's caked in dried mud but I didn't think it would matter to leave a bath until the morning. I know he's going to be fine but feel resentful as hell that I'm going to probably have to spent at least a couole of days a week without him when ExP and I go our separate ways.

I've not eaten since I found out, just can't force anything down and the fury is subsiding now. Just bone-deep sadness that the man I loved is gone, replaced by someone who looks and talks just like him. People are goimg about their lives without a care in the world and I am filled with jealousy.

Exhausted so going to bed now - just wanted to thank you all. I'm going to sit down tomorrow and read through everything properly.xxx

Gosh - just wanted to say I think you are amazing.

And 'scab-ridden shitsquirrel' has to be the single best phrase I've ever read on mumsnet.

There's lots more I could say about the scab-ridden shitsquirrel, but I'll leave it for another day.

Get as much sleep as you can, and don't forget to try and get some nourishment. I could only manage sweetened warm milk but it kept me going. Sweet tea, toast, anything - just try and eat/drink something.

Take care

x

'Scabridden shit squirrel' haha yes agree that is brilliant.

You've been so strong today. Your not feeling it but I think you have done amazing. Your friend sounds amazing and is helping you through this really well.
Get some sleep and your task tomorrow is cleaning mud of your DS
Don't think too far into the future. Take each day as it comes.

Oh gosh, so many people are reading and rooting for you. You will be happy again. Xxx

Thanks for the update Pickle. Sorry you are going through this. One day at a time. X

You're doing so wonderfully. He's a manipulative bastard!

Tell him for every song he posts on your wall, you'll post a screenshot of the messages he's been sending to OW.

Stay dignified Pickle, you're doing amazingly well. You won't always feel like this. Things do get better.

Be kind to yourself - you've had a terrible shock, like a bereavement. Have no expectations except to get through the day.

Be furious.

Anger is the best way to deal with a situation like this. Be glad that this came out before yo umarried him. He is a low life and a scum bag- and you should feel glad that he is out of your life. Lick your wounds but summon that inner strength to find your rage- direct all those negative emotions outwards and don't allow them to hurt you.

You're brilliant pickle, just read your last post. I'm glad your son had such a great day in the end. :)

just wanted to say stay strong Gosh
I think you are doing amazing, big hug from here to you
I am sure your boy will be fine with a fantastic mum like you x

Wow, pickle I am in awe of your strength and resolve. You have had the most horrible shock and you have been so strong. Your DS is a very lucky boy to have you as his mum. Your friend sounds lovely too. for you both.

Your friend sounds a fantastic source of support.

Try and eat a little something even if it's just a couple of bites. You are doing amazingly well but must look after your health.

DS wasn't high on his dad's list of priorities was he, idiot man.

Ignore any sad puppy antics. That is a good idea from Waltermittythesequel about countering first dance selections with choice quotes from his repertoire of lies to other women.