I am such a trusting fool.

[GoshWhatAPickle]

Sorry, this is going to be long. My life has been ripped apart.

It's DP's sister's birthday tomorrow and I have a parcel and cards to send to her. I know she sent her new address to DP via Facebook so I called him at work to ask if I could log on to his account to retrieve it. He gave me his password, we chatted for a bit and said goodbye. As I was logging on he phoned back sounding slightly panicky saying he'd changed his password and couldn't remember the new one so not to bother and he'd phone his sister for the address. Can you guess where I'm going with this?

Of course, there was no problem logging in and his password hadn't changed. I found messages, sixteen of them, to his ex-wife and three other women describing in graphic detail that he was masturbating while thinking about them and what he would love to do to them, given the chance. On one lovely conversation he describes how he is in a loveless, sexless relationship but is unable to leave as we have a child and I have mental health problems and will kill myself if he leaves me. These messages go back to last year.

As far as I was concerned we had a very loving, far from sexless relationship! We're due to be married next year, have been together seven years, have a four year old son. I don't know what to do. I've vomited, been on the loo for the last hour (sorry TMI).

I have NEVER had any cause to doubt him, never. I thought we were lucky. What am I going to do? I am in absolute shock, shaking, retching. And now here come the tears. Oh God. Who IS this man? He has been phoning for the last hour, no doubt wanting to check he hasn't been caught out. Oh God. I don't know if I'm asking for help or advice or what, I needed to get this out. I cannot deal with this.

Well done OP stay strong. What an absolute twat he is!

Stop trying to pick everything apart as to why it happened, it happened because he wanted it to/let it happen & there's the end of it. You will drive yourself mad going round in circles trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Well done for your decisive texts & not giving an inch. You know the score if you're on here regularly :) he will try to minimize, explain it away. make it your fault, make you doubt what you saw.

Are you OK?

I doubt you'll get a satisfactory 'why'. There is a type of man who IM/sext/telephone randoms off the internet as a kind of poor-man's sex chat line.... wank aid basically. That's probably what he wants chance to explain. The old 'it means nothing' chestnut - I can hear it now. Doesn't make it any more palatable and the really sad part is that, whatever happens in the future, you'll never look at him the same way again.

Stay strong for the sake of your self-respect.

Sorry for duplicate post.

But you said messages were from a year ago so it's nothing to do with recent months events, it's do with your 'D'H being a sleaze ball.
That is NOT your fault.
None of this is YOUR fault!
You are NOT responsible for HIS actions. He did this. It's all him shame - not yours.
This is something you really need to understand.
You cannot rationalise it at all.
Stop trying to understand - you will drive yourself insane.

Good response. Stay true to your feelings. When you are ready, hear him out and not before. X

My heart is going out to you right now. Please remember you are not to blame, you haven't done anything wrong in the relationship and he is at fault.

What a mixed up man. Take care and some great advice has been given so I won't repeat it. Stay strong x

Pickle that's a good point someone just mentioned. Out of interest did you see how recent they were? Were they current going back to last year or just from last year?

It doesn't really make a difference but he may use the 'oh it was ages ago & I haven't done it since' line.

Oh op what a terrible shock. You're doing great, your response sounds perfect. Give yourself the space to think. Do you have some rl support someone who can come over and be with you?
You are not a fool, he is the fool and he doesn't deserve you.

Oh you poor love.

If he does turn up, can you ignore him? Refuse to engage until he gets the message that you won't talk to him?

You are spot on about you both having a rough time but you didn't feel the need to go elsewhere. Don't start to make excuses for his selfish behaviour.

Thinking of you Pickle. You are doing so well, your messages have hit the right notes so far. This is all very new and raw so allow yourself to have those moments of hysterical laughter, tears etc. It is unfortunately inevitable your emotions will be going through the wringer right now. Keep him at arm's length until you feel ready to speak to him -- and remember to listen to his excuses and rationalisations with a very cynical ear. We are all here if you want to drop in and talk.

sorry that you have discovered this. what happens next is very much up to you. He has been caught red handed and he can change his password, but you cant unsee what you have seen.

He needs to respect your wishes and give you some time to breathe and you can talk to him when you are ready. Do NOT accept blame for this. Do not worry yourself over the nasty things he said. they were just lies to get pity from somebody else, they were not the truth as you know.

Cogito has given you some great advice. Keep posting here for support.

I can never forgive him. I can never let him touch me again, the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. We were going to TTC again in a few months once we got some more savings behind us and we'd been looking at venues for our wedding this week. He was excited as I was, or so I thought. All gone now.

I know this isn't my fault. I've supported him through thick and thin, as has he with me. Oh, the life we had planned! And my poor, poor baby. My poor beautiful DS. He doesn't deserve this. Why do I feel like I've let him down? I know I haven't, really, but why am I feeling guilt and shame? This pain is unreal, I'm so cold even with a duvet round me and a cup of tea.

I feel the anger coming now. Anger is good, I can do anger.

My friend is coming just after 2, so that's good. The messages go back to October last year and the last one he sent was last Sunday in the early hours after we'd had a really great happy weekend.

I hope his knob drops off.

It is quite normal to feel shame - it's the sense of having been duped and taken for a fool, and misplacing your trust. I'm so sorry this has happened, stay strong.

It is quite normal to feel shame - it's the sense of having been duped and taken for a fool, and misplacing your trust. I'm so sorry this has happened, stay strong.

I would message the ex wife and say u have seen the message s, know she hasn't replied and ask her if he has been approaching her off FB.

I'm really sorry for what's happening to you, Pickle. Your texts were good, I know you feel like you're falling apart but that was a very strong thing you did.

Don't let him shift the blame here - "please don't do this to us!" HE has chosen to behave this way and it isn't your fault. Don't let him minimize either. It IS as bad as it looks. You know what you read, and it was as recent as last weekend.

I hope he gives you some space, and I hope your friend can give you some RL support xx

Agree you need a RL person there. Can you ring someone?

Sorry yours going through this. Make sure you care of yourself physically as much as you can - you've had a massive shock. I remember being sick and feeling ans Have you got anyone to help you look after your DS over the weekend?

Sorry posted too soon and before checking post. Be really kind to yourself. If you're feeling shit, it'll be ok to let DS watch TV and to eat easy food etc. I fell into the trap of letting exH back after one night as I felt I couldn't cope with my two DC - I was so shocked and just generally Ill. Looking back, I should have asked a friend to help and let the DC have a lazy few days watching TV and eating crap food. Would have been better in the long run for us all than letting exH back before I'd got my head round what he'd done.

Tell him your friend is at home and is staying with you tonight. That will put him off coming home as he won't want the embarrassment of facing the friend as well.

He is texting again telling me he will respect my wishes and not come home and how terrible he feels! Amazing. I've called him a pathetic waste of a penis and to go fuck himself. Immature, but slightly satisfying.

I'm going to pack him some bags and put them outside for his friend to collect. It's throwing it down, I DO hope his clothes don't get wet. Change the sheets on the bed, flip the mattress - maybe even just throw it in the garden and burn the fucking thing.

Fucking hell - what a horrible shock for your OP.

Good idea re telling him your friend is staying over to keep him away - he can wallow alone in his shame until YOU are ready to see him.

Why is it these guys are always so full of "you've got it wrong, I'll do whatever you want" and then blatantly DON'T do what you want, what you are asking for, which is to give you some space. They simply continue doing whatever THEY want to.

X-post.
OP I think you are being fabulous in the face of everything!

You're doing so well, stay strong.