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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am such a trusting fool.

162 replies

GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 10:44

Sorry, this is going to be long. My life has been ripped apart.

It's DP's sister's birthday tomorrow and I have a parcel and cards to send to her. I know she sent her new address to DP via Facebook so I called him at work to ask if I could log on to his account to retrieve it. He gave me his password, we chatted for a bit and said goodbye. As I was logging on he phoned back sounding slightly panicky saying he'd changed his password and couldn't remember the new one so not to bother and he'd phone his sister for the address. Can you guess where I'm going with this?

Of course, there was no problem logging in and his password hadn't changed. I found messages, sixteen of them, to his ex-wife and three other women describing in graphic detail that he was masturbating while thinking about them and what he would love to do to them, given the chance. On one lovely conversation he describes how he is in a loveless, sexless relationship but is unable to leave as we have a child and I have mental health problems and will kill myself if he leaves me. These messages go back to last year.

As far as I was concerned we had a very loving, far from sexless relationship! We're due to be married next year, have been together seven years, have a four year old son. I don't know what to do. I've vomited, been on the loo for the last hour (sorry TMI).

I have NEVER had any cause to doubt him, never. I thought we were lucky. What am I going to do? I am in absolute shock, shaking, retching. And now here come the tears. Oh God. Who IS this man? He has been phoning for the last hour, no doubt wanting to check he hasn't been caught out. Oh God. I don't know if I'm asking for help or advice or what, I needed to get this out. I cannot deal with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 12:39

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I don't feel fabulous, I feel utterly sick to the stomach, like someone has died. I've never known pain like this in my adult life. I'm trying not to think beyond the nect five miutes because anything else is terrifying. I was really looking forward to today, DS is at nursery all day and DP at work so I was just going to potter about, do a bit of washing and dusting and visit my Gran for a few hours. I've had to cancel which makes me feel awful as she's not very well, but she would see straight through any brave face I tried to put on and she doesn't need the stress of worrying about me.

The house is a tip, my face is swollen. I keep looking in the mirror at myself in disbelief I guess. I haven't put his clothes outside, in fact I've put one of his t-shirts on the radiator because it felt a bit damp. Pathetic, I know! I'm swinging between anger and utter despair, knowing the world of pain I''m in for and knowing the one person I trusted more than anyone else has caused this and there is no other option for me but to let him go.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2014 12:42

OMG - last Sunday.
What an absolutely knob!

Stay under the duvet.
Eat a banana if you can.
You have a tea and I hope it has some sugar in it.

This is gonna be a horrible time for you.
You will get angry, sad, hysterical and everything in between.
You'll find you can cry for hours and hours and the tears don't dry up. They will be endless to start with.

You won't be able to eat or sleep and you will run on adrenalin for a while so try not to worry about that too much.
Your friend can help you through this and get everyone to rally around to help you. You're gonna need it initially.
People WANT to help you so make sure you let them.

Then you will see that light at the end of the tunnel and thinks will begin to improve.

You will get there but for now, one hour at a time, then one day at a time, then one week etc.....

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

And yes to anger being good. Try to hold onto that for as long as possible.

skyeskyeskye · 23/05/2014 12:51

you will be running on adrenalin for a while and then you will crash. As suggested, eat a banana. Drink plenty of water to help avoid headaches. Look after yourself and your DS.

I'm glad that you have a friend coming over. it will really help you to talk about it with somebody that you can trust.

Corygal · 23/05/2014 12:52

You poor darling. It would be interesting to know what he will tell his friend - bet the story will be beautifully crafted by the time he gets there.

Vivacia · 23/05/2014 12:57

This bit, please don't do this to us! really annoys me. He seems to be under the impression that it was you sending explicit and intimate messages to strangers behind his family's back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2014 12:58

"What have I done to make him do this? Oh God".

You have done and did nothing to cause him to do this; if any blame is to be attributed here it is all his. He made a conscious choice to do all this as well. He is only sorry now that he has been well and truly hung by his own petard.

This relationship is well and truly over; he cannot even begin to come back from such actions but he will try and dig himself out of the hole he has dug for himself.

My counsel to you would be to seek as much real life support as possible and also find out where you stand from a legal standpoint in terms of property and finances.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2014 13:00

That part you highlighted also annoys me Vivacia making it all out to be about "us". Also he made further contact after OP had asked him not to do so.

shellistar · 23/05/2014 13:08

That part stood out to me too Vivacia as if he had done nothing.

Gosh you are amazing. I don't have anything further to add other than look after yourself and your little one x

Christmascandles · 23/05/2014 13:11

Hello OP

I feel have felt your pain. I stumbled across similar messages two years ago. I truly know how you feel. In fact my heart is banging again on your behalf!

You're doing the right things by asking him to stay away.
Points to remember are these:
He will
Delete (the messages)
Deny (deny everything)
Minimise ( when faced with the facts that he therefore can't wriggle out of, minimise what happened) and in with this May come drip feeding.

We all deal with things differently. For me, well I needed to know everything. For you, the FB stuff may be enough. However, I would be wanting to know how he came to be in contact with these ransoms...?

So has he signed up to a 'dating' site? Sometimes they make initial contact through the site then move elsewhere to 'chat'.

You may like to check his emails and his bank statement for unusual transactions. (Global Personals)?

I'm here to hold your hand. PM me if you wish. But please remember one thing THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT !!! Thanks

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 23/05/2014 13:11

Keep strong and be kind yourself. Take advice from these wise ladies and it will get you through.

Original poster
GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 13:28

I've just nearly keeled over in shock with the words 'Global Personals' Christmascandles.

A few months ago our bank called one evening to say there had been unusual activity on our joint account - someone trying to spend money online on a few transactions when we didn't have enough money in the account. Some were ridiculous like £300 at Halfords and other large amounts at different firms, but a day or two before that, money had gone out to 'Elite Singles' I think it was and I am SURE 'Global Personals' or something very similar because I had to look it up online and had a good laugh with DP about how sad our fraudster was to try and spend our money on getting himself laid.

The bank sent me a form to fill in and listed the transactions I'd told them we didn't recognise, I made a copy and am going to dig it out now.

OP posts:
CheeseandPickledOnion · 23/05/2014 13:31

I feel for you so much. It will get better I promise, but for now just try and hold onto the anger.

Original poster
GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 13:31

In fact, I don't need the paperwork, I've just typed it in and it brought the same list of stuff up. Too much of a coincidence isn't it. I am sitting here laughing my head off again! What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 23/05/2014 13:34

Fuck it, if I thought you lived near me I'd be with you quicker than your friend gets there.

Original poster
GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 13:39

I can't believe this is happening! I keep trying to wake up, but it's not a nightmare. A few hours ago I was full of positivity, looking forward to the weekend and now I find this bastard, this utter piece of fucking SCUM has duped me. I am actually scared for my sanity at this moment. Who DOES this? I'm shaking with rage. Jesus wept, it's almost funny.

OP posts:
LBZT · 23/05/2014 13:45

I may be getting ahead of myself here but do you have any joint accounts, money that you may need to move to your own account? Sorry if this sounds crude.

CurtWild · 23/05/2014 13:51

So sorry you're going through this pickle, I found messages much the same on my stbxh phone when one of our children was playing on it and accidently opened his messages. I only went to close them down but what she'd opened made my jaw drop.

He, too, tried to tell me it wasn't as bad as it looked, I was reading too much into it..blah blah blah. Didn't matter, I was leaving anyway, it was just another confirmation of what a knob he was. Even up to the day I left, I washef and folded his clothes. Not pathetic; habit.

Angry is good. It spurred me on and still does when he tries to wriggle back into my life. It'll be awful for a while but as long as you keep remembering this is his failing not yours, it'll keep you strong.

Yes to strong tea with sugar in, bananas, or even just some toast to keep your stomach from churning. Hope your friend arrives soon x

Roseflowers · 23/05/2014 13:57

Unfortunately in my experience most of them bloody do it. I've had over half my boyfriends/ partners cheat on me in some capacity and none of them have ever wanted for sex, love, support or affection. I even told the last bloke I was with how my previous partners serial cheating had basically destroyed my life. He swore he'd never do the same to me. You can guess what happened next...They all minimize. 'Oh, I didn't ASK her to send me those pictures of her in her underwear whilst you were asleep next to me, I just responded appreciatively when she did so that's not cheating right?'

Please don't blame yourself and don't allow him to convince you it's 'nothing' as he didn't actually stick his dick in these women. He's a twat of epic proportions and you do deserve better than this.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2014 13:59

OH OP. My heart is aching for you. I remember so well that feeling of finding out. Utterly sick making Sad You poor poor woman

You will churn though all the feelings you've already described - panic, pain, anger, sadnes, incredulity - about every 5 minutes at first. It is just exhausting.

You are doing all the right things today that will help you in the long run

You have my sympathies, you really do

CurtWild · 23/05/2014 14:04

So sorry you're going through this pickle, I found messages much the same on my stbxh phone when one of our children was playing on it and accidently opened his messages. I only went to close them down but what she'd opened made my jaw drop.

He, too, tried to tell me it wasn't as bad as it looked, I was reading too much into it..blah blah blah. Didn't matter, I was leaving anyway, it was just another confirmation of what a knob he was. Even up to the day I left, I washef and folded his clothes. Not pathetic; habit.

Angry is good. It spurred me on and still does when he tries to wriggle back into my life. It'll be awful for a while but as long as you keep remembering this is his failing not yours, it'll keep you strong.

Yes to strong tea with sugar in, bananas, or even just some toast to keep your stomach from churning. Hope your friend arrives soon x

Original poster
GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 14:06

My friend is on her way so I'm going to go offline now. She's been through all this before herself so she'll be able to help, I hope. Your kind and supportive words and advice have saved me today, they really have. She will have to go home later but I will probably be in need of more ranting on here, so if you could all think of the sweariest swear words to describe this 'man' it would no doubt cheer me up a bit later xxx

OP posts:
Figster · 23/05/2014 14:09

You are not the pathetic one op he is stay angry he deserves it!! Angry for you and your DS

ThinkFirst · 23/05/2014 14:10

You are not a fool. Aren't we supposed to be able to trust our partners!

So not only is he a lying, cheating scumbag but he is also prepared to let you commit fraud so his lying and cheating didn't get discovered?
Did the bank pay back those transactions that he had actually paid? If so be careful that doesn't come back and bite you on the arse. If he uses those sites again the bank could possibly realise that those other transactions were legitimately his.

Overtiredbackagain · 23/05/2014 14:12

I am so sorry you are going through this Pickle, must have been a terrible shock for you. Hope you and your beautiful DS are ok, be strong, you'll get through this.

Ax

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 23/05/2014 14:16

What a fool he is to do this to such an amazing loving woman. Best wishes to you and your DS. Take care. x