I am such a trusting fool.

[GoshWhatAPickle]

Sorry, this is going to be long. My life has been ripped apart.

It's DP's sister's birthday tomorrow and I have a parcel and cards to send to her. I know she sent her new address to DP via Facebook so I called him at work to ask if I could log on to his account to retrieve it. He gave me his password, we chatted for a bit and said goodbye. As I was logging on he phoned back sounding slightly panicky saying he'd changed his password and couldn't remember the new one so not to bother and he'd phone his sister for the address. Can you guess where I'm going with this?

Of course, there was no problem logging in and his password hadn't changed. I found messages, sixteen of them, to his ex-wife and three other women describing in graphic detail that he was masturbating while thinking about them and what he would love to do to them, given the chance. On one lovely conversation he describes how he is in a loveless, sexless relationship but is unable to leave as we have a child and I have mental health problems and will kill myself if he leaves me. These messages go back to last year.

As far as I was concerned we had a very loving, far from sexless relationship! We're due to be married next year, have been together seven years, have a four year old son. I don't know what to do. I've vomited, been on the loo for the last hour (sorry TMI).

I have NEVER had any cause to doubt him, never. I thought we were lucky. What am I going to do? I am in absolute shock, shaking, retching. And now here come the tears. Oh God. Who IS this man? He has been phoning for the last hour, no doubt wanting to check he hasn't been caught out. Oh God. I don't know if I'm asking for help or advice or what, I needed to get this out. I cannot deal with this.

What itsfab and the others have said.

Do not fall for his bull shit guilt trip.

It is not you doing this.

He managed to do it I was going to say alone but the better thing is with anyone else he could from the sounds of things.

Good luck.

Despite him promising to give me some space, he turned up after my friend left, with his friend to collect his things. It was absolutely awful, worse than I possibly could've imagined. He stood there snivelling in front of DS, so of course DS got upset and I was shaking with stress and fury. I sent DS to call for his friend a couple of doors down and he went happily enough, he's tearing up and down the path whooping and laughing on his scooter so I know he's ok, thank god.

So WankFace tells me he will never forgive himself for what he has done. I kept shouting why? at him and he was just stammering, saying he didn't know, standing there looking sick. I told him I'd learned more about him that day than he thought I knew and that he revolted me beyond belief and that we are completely over, nothing he says can make any difference. I hissed in his face for him to get out, held the door open for him and slammed it behind him. As soon as he drove away I broke down and sobbed and can't stop.

I don't want to know about anything else, whether he's physically cheated on me, it will make no difference - the damage is done. I have a smear test booked for next week so will ask if it's possible to be tested for STIs at the same time. I can't believe this is something I have to think about FFS. He is a pig, an absolute pig. I just want to get through the next couple of hours until DS goes to bed, then my friend is coming back and stopping over. I've given her my mobile so I am not tempted to engage with him.

But I love him so much. Knowing I can't turn that off makes this so hard. I just want to know why.

And my baby is out there laughing with his friends unaware that his happy little life is about to crash down. I bet WankFace isn't thinking about that.

Awwww sunshine. I doubt you will ever know why.

There are so many lovely supportive and wise ladies here who will help to keep you going with lots of sound advice.

I am so glad you have a friend to stay with you.

You only love the man you thought he was, not the one he turned out to be, and although I have not been through it myself (my ex was very abusive though) I do feel for you. It is really bad now but it will get better.

Well done for being so strong. It's not easy, but the stronger you are, the easier you will get through this.

I am glad that your friend is there for you. Don't take any crap from him. What happens from now on is very much up to you. He will probably turn from tears to nasty when he realises that you are serious, but remember that none of this is your fault.

If you ever find yourself wanting to forgive him for the cheating (although why you would I don't know) just remember:

• you explicitly told him to give you space and he not only chose to ignore it but
• he came to the house and turned on the waterworks even though it was upsetting HIS OWN CHILD.

He has put his own wishes above yours and your son's. Time and time again. You may love him but he doesn't love you - not properly, not really. And that is going to be his loss.

Please start telling people what has happened, whilst you still have the fury and before he can undermine you with his lies.

Goshwhatapickle, your DS's life won't come crashing down, he has a wonderful strong role model called his mum who is there for him.

Be strong, take care xx

I want him back so much it physically hurts. I feel like I'm suffocating. If I had the chance to rewind the last few hours and never ask for that password, I'd take it. Ignorance really is bliss.

I have no idea what we're going to do about our living situation as we rent and have no money in the bank with all our savings being used up after both being out of work. Neither of us have anywhere else to go- my parents are dead and his live miles away. He gets paid next week but we owe most of that money out on rent arrears. I don't know if I would be eligible for help from the council. I guess I'll have to look into it but for now it's too much to think about.

Once again, thanks for your support, lovely vipers.

I take my hat off to you, pickle. You have huge self worth and I am so pleased it is so.

Good idea re the mobile. Change his name so if you see cheating twat or the like it might stop you sending ill advised messages.

Of course you still love him. It has been hours. However you love the old man that he allowed you to see and he is not in existence anymore so your love is all for DS now and he will be fine and the reason he will be fine is because he has YOU for a mummy.

Sorry you had to see him. He probably felt you would crumble and ask him to stay well done for staying strong though and you will be fine with the knowledge of getting your DS sorted tonight and you will probably hug him more than ever and cherish how lovely he is then tonight you will feel rubbish thinking about everything but at least your friend will be there with you. She sounds lovely. Remember nothing is your fault. No reason other than he is a man with a penis and unfortunately this is where they think of most!! Maybe he wanted to see if he was still able to flirt and get attention knowing the wedding was coming up and thinking maybe he wanted to prove something to himself. I'm no way making excuses I just think maybe being him being a selfish twat and has gone and done this and completely fucked himself up now! He has hurt you and screwed up your future plans and would not have even thought about what would happen with your DS or anything as he would never have thought about getting caught. He's been so good at hiding it as he'd even forgotten about his messages when he allowed you brief access to FB. Thank god though that you have seen it as I wonder how long it would have been (if ever) before you suspected something. I know it's not nice for you but it's happened now and you have to give yourself time to let it sink it and decide where you go from here. I really feel for you and hope your friend gives you some support tonight.

Ignorance is bliss but your relationship was a lie. You just didn't know it. There will be plenty of people who can advise where you can go for financial and housing help. Maybe start another thread if you want to have a practical one and keep this for emotions.

If you can manage it please contact the council - send a letter if you can't cope with the phone. But get it noted with them the date you are living alone - firstly for council tax and secondly for housing benefit. They can only date it from when you contact them, so soonest you speak to them all the better for you.

look here

Oh love. Just read this.

Holding your hand. You've absolutely done the right thing asking for space. I know you're panicking but work through it and allow yourself the space your head needs to think clearly.

Stay strong. Remember to eat and drink.

Yes you will be able to claim housing and council tax benefit once you claim for income support and child tax credits as a single parent. Depends how much your rent is as to how much housing benefit you will get. You may have to pay securely towards it. The quicker you sort you income support out the quicker you can sort out the rest. Get into the jobcentre first thing Mon and do a claim over the phone and notify housing benefit you have put in a claim and ring the tax credits.

*pay something towards it

I have a smear test booked for next week so will ask if it's possible to be tested for STIs at the same time. I can't believe this is something I have to think about FFS

Please believe me, OP, that the STI test are absolutely nothing to worry about - a load of questions, a simple blood test and a swab which isn't even as intrusive as smear test

Sadly I've been in your position and went to the local hospital's STI clinic; they won't even inform your doctor that you've gone if you don't want them to, and the staff were absolutely lovely

I completely understand that you've got a lot to get through and am so sorry this has happened - but please don't allow the very straightforward tests to add to your worries

Hi pickle

Sorry you had to see him, but you did the right thing sending him off. What did he think you would do, give him a hug and say it's alright...?

I don't know anything about benefits but there must be something you can claim as a single parent. And housing benefit and reduced council tax. I know you don't want to hear all of those things, I know you don't want to be a single parent but you really are better off without him. Who knows how long this has been going on...

You'll probably find lots of things make sense now (like the bank account thing). Did he ever start work early? IME some people go for early morning hook ups, less obvious than working late maybe?

Like I said to my OH, I hope she was worth it.....

Puzzled is right about the sti check. It's nothing to worry about. The staff at the hospital when I went were lovely and kind and ended up hugging me as I sobbed. What a marvellous thing our nhs is! In fact I'm crying now just thinking about it.

You are doing so well. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you are. X

What a fabulous strong woman you are op.
I did similar ten yrs. ago with 4 dc one only a tiny baby.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done, I was devastated.
My life has been amazing since.
I had loads of fun and adventures and then 7 yrs ago met my amazing dh who I adore and who treats me as I deserve to be. We have our little dd who is 3 and life Is lovely.
You will be fine. Well done.

Utter disgusting bastard.

You don't love HIM, OP. You love the him he pretended to be while covering up his perverted twatishness.

How dare he show up crying in front of his ds after you asked him to stay away? Clearly he has zero respect for you.

I am so so sorry for you OP. I don't have much to add to the support and advice you have already received except that I also hope his dick falls off.

Get as much RL support as you can, don't worry about shaming him. Who gives a fuck what people think of him?

He can still have a relationship with DS so don't worry about that. Take it one day at a time.

Another one to erasure you that the STI check is nothing to worry about but is essential. My own experience of it, for similar reasons, was not traumatic.

I hope your friend is back with you and you have support for tonight.

Oh Pickle, I know you are feeling unbelievably sad, angry and blindsided, but I just wanted to say how MAGNIFICENTLY you have handled this.

He ignored your wishes not to see him, and thought that he could turn up at the door and wheedle himself back in to 'talk', that when you saw how upset he was (upset at being found out, that is) you would fall into his arms and agree that it was 'a mistake' and only because he was feeling 'stressed' or 'depressed' or some other such nonsense. Instead, you calmly put your little boy out of harm's way, and then told him to get out. You conducted yourself with dignity and self respect and you are AMAZING.

Another one who thinks you are an amazing strong dignified woman. Take it slowly, be kind to yourself. Again reiterating, you did not cause this he did. What a wonderful role model to your ds. I believe you will only grow stronger and bloom like a rose once you have got through this next hard bit xx