Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am such a trusting fool.

162 replies

GoshWhatAPickle · 23/05/2014 10:44

Sorry, this is going to be long. My life has been ripped apart.

It's DP's sister's birthday tomorrow and I have a parcel and cards to send to her. I know she sent her new address to DP via Facebook so I called him at work to ask if I could log on to his account to retrieve it. He gave me his password, we chatted for a bit and said goodbye. As I was logging on he phoned back sounding slightly panicky saying he'd changed his password and couldn't remember the new one so not to bother and he'd phone his sister for the address. Can you guess where I'm going with this?

Of course, there was no problem logging in and his password hadn't changed. I found messages, sixteen of them, to his ex-wife and three other women describing in graphic detail that he was masturbating while thinking about them and what he would love to do to them, given the chance. On one lovely conversation he describes how he is in a loveless, sexless relationship but is unable to leave as we have a child and I have mental health problems and will kill myself if he leaves me. These messages go back to last year.

As far as I was concerned we had a very loving, far from sexless relationship! We're due to be married next year, have been together seven years, have a four year old son. I don't know what to do. I've vomited, been on the loo for the last hour (sorry TMI).

I have NEVER had any cause to doubt him, never. I thought we were lucky. What am I going to do? I am in absolute shock, shaking, retching. And now here come the tears. Oh God. Who IS this man? He has been phoning for the last hour, no doubt wanting to check he hasn't been caught out. Oh God. I don't know if I'm asking for help or advice or what, I needed to get this out. I cannot deal with this.

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 23/05/2014 14:16

All the advice already given has been good Pickle, and I don't have anything to add only I also know how you feel - seems they really are all at it, sadly.

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry this has happened to you. x

SoleSource · 23/05/2014 14:18

What a sly, sneaky, cunt he is.

TereseaGreen · 23/05/2014 14:21

"think of the sweariest swear words to describe this 'man'"

an inadequate, gutter crawling paramecium whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

A man that if he was twice as smart he would be stupid

He is the arithmetic man -He adds trouble, subtracts pleasure, divides attention, and multiplies ignorance.

Flowers
hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2014 14:22

I think you'll find him on a few singles and datingand hook up sites as well.
Have time with your friend.
Rant, scream, shout, cry, laugh and put the world to rights.

Christmascandles · 23/05/2014 14:27

So sorry Pickle if I gave you a shock re the Global Personals. But they're all so fucking predictable aren't they. And I bet they think they're oh so clever.....

You'll probably find he has a profile on Marital Affairs. You set up a profile using an email addy. Again I stumbled across all of this totally by accident. I think if I'd had suspicions and snooped it would've been less of a shock somehow...

FreeLikeABird · 23/05/2014 14:33

No words, am so sorry this has happened OP, what an utter wanker he is Confused

hillyhilly · 23/05/2014 14:36

On another thread recently was phrases which help you in hard times, the best for you today is that a week is 7 days, a day is 24 hours, an hours is 60mins, and minute is 60 seconds, take it minute by minute today - also this too shall pass and tomorrow is another day.
I hope you don't feel patronised or that these are platitudes, and hope that seeing your friend helps today.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2014 14:37

Yes, mine was a maritalaffair.com member. Amongst many other things.

KipT77 · 23/05/2014 14:46

He's a turd sucker, OP. A piss-bathing knob jockey, a quarter-wit cock badger (stay strong, you are doing brilliantly) x

jenwa · 23/05/2014 14:49

So sorry your having to deal with this Sad. What a horrible day and your left with having to feel utterly crap and he will try to apologise and make it like it was nothing and meant nothing and expect you to except his apology.

My favourite man joke was always:
Was the funny bit of skin on the end of a willy called?
A man!! Grin Wink

Hopefully your friend is giving you support.

spiderlight · 23/05/2014 14:55

What a complete arse-wipe he is. So sorry, OP. I hope your friend is looking after you.

MimsyBorogroves · 23/05/2014 14:57

I rarely come onto this board, but what a cockwomble he is, OP. I hope your friend is with you by now. You will get through this.

MissScatterbrain · 23/05/2014 14:57

Sorry to hear you've had a terrible shock Sad

Be prepared for the fact that he has met these women in RL - I would get yourself tested for STIs.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 14:59

Outrageous on his part and it must have been a horrible shock. The only total fraudster was your DP he has been such a phoney. Hope your friend has arrived and as you have seen you have lots of support here.

scouseontheinside · 23/05/2014 15:05

Couldn't read and run OP. I just don't know what to say. I am so so sorry, for what you are going through Thanks

I hope you friend is able to give you the support you need, and help you clear your head a little. Do you have family nearby?

We are here to listen when you need.

bonbonpixie · 23/05/2014 15:09

OP what a complete idiot he has been. I completely understand what you are going through. The terrible shock and wishing it all away. He'll try every trick in the book to get out of it and minimise. He'll blame you, he might get angry or he might beg. In my experience though men like this rarely change their behaviour they just get more sneaky about it. This is his problem though not yours - do not under any circumstances blame yourself.
I find it bizarre that some of the messages were to his ex - wife!! Did she divorce him? Were they generally on good terms?

bonbonpixie · 23/05/2014 15:09

OP what a complete idiot he has been. I completely understand what you are going through. The terrible shock and wishing it all away. He'll try every trick in the book to get out of it and minimise. He'll blame you, he might get angry or he might beg. In my experience though men like this rarely change their behaviour they just get more sneaky about it. This is his problem though not yours - do not under any circumstances blame yourself.
I find it bizarre that some of the messages were to his ex - wife!! Did she divorce him? Were they generally on good terms?

bonbonpixie · 23/05/2014 15:09

OP what a complete idiot he has been. I completely understand what you are going through. The terrible shock and wishing it all away. He'll try every trick in the book to get out of it and minimise. He'll blame you, he might get angry or he might beg. In my experience though men like this rarely change their behaviour they just get more sneaky about it. This is his problem though not yours - do not under any circumstances blame yourself.
I find it bizarre that some of the messages were to his ex - wife!! Did she divorce him? Were they generally on good terms?

bonbonpixie · 23/05/2014 15:09

OP what a complete idiot he has been. I completely understand what you are going through. The terrible shock and wishing it all away. He'll try every trick in the book to get out of it and minimise. He'll blame you, he might get angry or he might beg. In my experience though men like this rarely change their behaviour they just get more sneaky about it. This is his problem though not yours - do not under any circumstances blame yourself.
I find it bizarre that some of the messages were to his ex - wife!! Did she divorce him? Were they generally on good terms?

FTS123 · 23/05/2014 15:10

Thinking of you, you sound so strong and together, you can and will get through this, we're all here for youThanks

FTS123 · 23/05/2014 15:10

Thinking of you, you sound so strong and together, you can and will get through this, we're all here for youThanks

BuzzardBird · 23/05/2014 15:16

He is not worth your words. Ignoring someone is the harshest punishment.

IrianofWay · 23/05/2014 15:16

Ah shit! Sorry.

Since H's affair I have spent time on different relationahip sites and if I could put money on how many unfaithful men describe their relationships like this:

"... he is in a loveless, sexless relationship but is unable to leave as we have a child and I have mental health problems and will kill myself if he leaves me."

And the people they tell it too lap it up and beleive every fucking word of it. Utterly pathetic, all of it.

Angry
DillyBob14 · 23/05/2014 15:34

so sorry op - another who has been where you are.

You have done the right thing making him stay away. I also agree that you will need STI testing - awful, but I am sure what you have found is only the tip of the iceberg.

I found my ex on websites clearly advertising partner and child and just looking for innocent fun with likeminded people - flipping lovely. He played it down and said it was an innocent flirting site - bit of a contradiction, but yep yours will minimise and try and blame you. Not your fault, all about his failings. Don't let him tell you otherwise or try and explain away what he has done.

Itsfab · 23/05/2014 16:52

I just had to reiterate as I am sure others have said it

He said - "Please don't do this to us!"

HE is the one doing this, NOT YOU!

Just because you want space now and maybe to separate does not mean you have wrecked this "relationship." He is just pissed off you are daring to not accept his cheating.

I hope your friend got to you and is able to support you.