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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please just talk to me

370 replies

absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 10:54

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 31/05/2014 13:37

It's still early days and I think you are expecting too much of yourself too soon. When a marriage ends (especially if you didn't see it coming) is like a death in some ways and you go through a grieving process. I've been there, to hell and back and you do get through it and out the other side eventually.

As much as it hurts and he's not been nice to you, you also need to respect what he has said. Drunk calling, texting and begging will get you no where other than your own self pity and make you feel worse. It wont make him come back. If you've become self absorbed in the marriage and controlling of your partner with no outside life, hobbies or friends away from him then all that will achieve is resentment and suffocation.

Are you taking the pills? If so, I'm sure mixing them with a lot of alcohol is not a good idea.

You have a future ahead of you.............without him. You coped quite well I assume before you met and married him? Until you accept the marriage is over then you will not be able to move on.

Tellanovella · 31/05/2014 15:32

Focus on the fact that you have been putting up with his shit for years and he's treated you like a mug. Now he's saying he doesn't even want children and you do. That's another reason to get over the shock and think oh sod it what's the point.
Focus on getting a new life for yourself without this cheating prat.

Thislife · 31/05/2014 15:56

But do you have to go back? If you really can't face it, don't.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/05/2014 18:13

Granville I think sometimes you have to do the drunk calling etc drinking whilst on tablets it's not ideal but happens.

My last bad bad breakup where I had therapy and ADs was a bit like AHs. I had to go through it all to feel better.

AH one good thing to do would be to write down your feelings day to day if you can. I'm sure I was given that to do.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/05/2014 18:17

Also maybe discuss with family and friends seriously your future plans without your DH.

Work out if you did move back to SA where you'd live, jobs, friends could you stay with relatives or parents? Could you easily get a job in SA?

Write down pros and cons for each country. For me if you don't go back you won't bump into or be tempted to visit/call your ex so much.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 31/05/2014 19:07

There's no work here at all. I'm such a mess today. Constant panic attacks and just struggling to keep functioning.

I appreciate everyone talking to me on here.

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 31/05/2014 19:12

I think AH has looked into it and the jobs just aren't there for her in SA I'm afraid. So I think coming back is the best financial decision for her.

HayDayQueen · 31/05/2014 19:14

AH - remember that gutsy girl who flew to the UK on her own, not knowing a single soul, no job or anything?

Well channel her, she's still there inside you.

Taz29duffy · 31/05/2014 19:16

Hi absolutelyhopeless, I know how you feel. My partner left me last weekend and we also were trying for a child and had a recent miscarriage. I am not sure if someone leaving necessarily indicates another woman. In my opinion it is an indication of maybe stressors that you hadn't noticed or realised were as bad. I suppose I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this pain and that I am thinking of you and if you want to chat send a message. X

SuperFlyHigh · 31/05/2014 19:26

AH well then. Do you have to work or could/would you study maybe in SA?

Would a job as shop assistant/barista/bar work be feasible in SA?

If you come back to London I think you do need therapy and to join meetup groups etc. Or book an evening class, exercise classes and stick with it.

The panic attacks will lessen.

nespressofan · 31/05/2014 19:33

AH is coming here next weekend. We'll have a long chat then and maybe see some wood for all those trees. Smile

nespressofan · 31/05/2014 19:33

AH is coming here next weekend. We'll have a long chat then and maybe see some wood for all those trees. Smile

HayDayQueen · 31/05/2014 19:43

How are you doing nespresso? You haven't had an easy time of it either recently, have you?

nespressofan · 31/05/2014 19:45

No I'm not good at all. Really rotten few weeks but I have to keep strong for my son and then myself. Thank you for asking.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 01/06/2014 09:31

Hi everyone. Since you've all been my support group/counsellors and voices of reason I thought I'd say I've started my course of anti d's today. Hopefully it will help. Calling him on our anniversary was a huge mistake as I feel I've been set back.

If any of you know someone that's looking for a place to live in London, I'm going to have to find a flat mate. I don't have a lot of money but if there's two or maybe 3 of us it will be ok. I can't face moving into a room in a student type house. Also, I will have furniture. This way I might be able to make it homely and nice. Any thoughts/advice greatly appreciated.

I know I've said thanks to you all abt a million times but obviously I'm neurotic and not all there at the moment.

OP posts:
PtraciDjelibeybi · 01/06/2014 15:42

Hi AH. I am sorry you are going through this - but you are neither hopeless nor a failure. Stay strong. I have sent you a PM - hope it might be of help to you.

HayDayQueen · 01/06/2014 16:05

Hope you have luck with the anti-d's. I don't know what their side effects are, but post on here if you don't think they're suitable. There will be someone who can advice you.

Don't forget you are in my diary for Friday.

captainmummy · 01/06/2014 18:46

Stay strong Ah. Try to go NC - every time you contact him or think about contacting him, it will set you back. He is further down the breakup road than you are - he has already checked out of your marriage. It takes time to catch up with him.
You are better off without him; you know he is cold, unemotional, a user.

Whether you come back to the UK or go to America or Australia (!) you will be on your own, like you were the first time you came here. You are only 31. You can do this.

Nespresso - glad to see you are ok. Was worried about you!

nespressofan · 01/06/2014 18:51

Thanks captain - I'm not ok actually. This is a really rough road.

captainmummy · 01/06/2014 20:14

Sorry to hear that, nespresso. :-( you didn't come back to your thread...

So sad that there are such a*holes out there, and that they can inflict such pain.

nespressofan · 01/06/2014 20:17

I don't know where my thread is lol! I am having to go through too much when I have done nothing wrong. He is a very very cruel man.

SummerSazz · 02/06/2014 13:19

OP - have just sent you a pm. Hope things are ok today. x

captainmummy · 02/06/2014 14:52

Nespresso - your thread should show up under 'threads I'm on' or 'threads I've started'. I can link to it if you want.

OP - hope you are ok. What are you up to tday?

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 02/06/2014 17:46

Hi mummy,

Thank you for checking in. Been feeling sick all day thanks to the anti-d's. Dr gave me nausea pills today. I feel like such a basket case. Went for a facial though. Might as well start looking less if a mess from the outside while I try and fix the inside!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 02/06/2014 18:45

Oh good idea! get the 'divorce' haircut too - makes you feel soooo much better. Grin

Sorry the ADs make you feel sick - don't forget there are lots of different ones, so persevere until you find one which suits you.