Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

Hi everyone. My mum and i decided to get out a bit last night, we drove for an hour to Cape Town despite her saying its a bad idea. I thought it might help. As soon as we got there i suffered a major panic attack. We had to book into a hotel and she gave me strong sleeping tablets. We're back in her room now and i'm still doing very badly. Hopefully have a dr's appointment tomorrow but i have to pay cash and really worried abt the money.

Just wanted to say thank you for everyone still talking to me on here and being there for me. I need to get through tonight x

Hi I just think you need to take it easy. Listen to your mum, baby steps.

See a funny film, coffee, light shopping, maybe friends but nothing too drastic.

Maybe in a week try something else. Can you get a massage? Spa day?

Take it easy

Oh OP - I love Cape Town! It's v beautiful, such a shame you didn't get to enjoy it.

Don't be so hard on yourself; you;ve had a huge shock, and your plans and dreams are shattered around you, you feel like there is nothing concrete or solid to hold onto. That feeling will fade, you will get stronger, the shock will lessen. It takes time.

You don't need to decide between Wimbledon and SA, you know. You are free! It might be much too soon, but you can go anywhere! Anywhere in the world. New Start, New Horizons etc.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear about your situation. Not based far from you and 'D'H and I split 3 months ago so, if you need a shoulder/friend who understands, PM me xx

Op, hang in there. This is going to be a long journey. Baby steps, a day at a time

X

wish you get well soon absolutelyhopeless :(
its very good that you are with your mum.

Hi everyone.

I went to the dr this morning and got prescribed zytomil anti depressants for 6 months along with anxiety and sleeping tablets.

Im petrified of taking anti depressants as i've heard lots of horror stories. Does anyone know this particular pill? Any advice? I feel somewhat better today but Friday ( my 9th anniversary) and him moving out is looming and its devastating.

Did you talk your concerns over with the doctor you saw? Really someone medically qualified would offer the best advice than reading stuff on the internet.

Maybe the anxiety and sleeping tablets will help in the short term? Try not to let everything overwhelm you. You've been through a lot and it's still early days. Take each day at a time for now, don't look too far ahead. Friday is just another day, breathe through it and try to relax without dwelling on the past.

It does get better, honestly it does. It may not seem like it, and you still have a long road ahead to travel. You both need time and space to evaluate your past, present and future

OK, that is the brand name for escitalopram which is apparently in the same "family" of ADs as fluoxetine (Prozac) and Sertraline.

I have had both. I had a few side effects with the first (bad heartburn for a while at the start) before it settled down, but it did wonders for me.

I switched to Sertraline when I was pregnant as it is safe and have remained on it. It is not quite as effective as fluoxetine I found, but is good enough. Settling in side effects were nausea, but it passed.

The key is that both worked for me (albeit at v high doses - 60mg fluoxetine was the right dose, now I have 200mg Sertraline). Hopefully they will for you too. Try not to worry too much, these drugs are much more sophisticated than they once were.

I liken it to my husband using an inhaler to manage his asthma. I have to use these drugs to manage my anxiety/depression which I am prone to.

I was on Citalopram, which seems to be a sister drug to what you are on. I found it very effective, it kicked in very quickly. The only side effects that I noticed were night sweats after I had been on them for several months.

I only took them for as long as I need them. They do say to allow 2-4 weeks for them to work, but mine started working within the week and I felt a lot calmer and stopped crying all the time.

I hope that they help you to feel better and remember, it's not forever, it is just a pill to help you for now, like any other medication.

OP I think you'll prob be ok and off the meds in 3 months. In fact you can review it with your London doctor.

You may be ok with just the first tablets and no anxiety and sleeping ones.

What'd be great is a counsellor and maybe yoga/mediation. Take it easy. X

I hope the ADs kick in soon, OP. I know lots of people have a bad view of them, but they are different these days, not addictive, not numbing, just helpful. And they work. They might take a few days/weeks tho. Be patient.

They will lift that cycle of panic and helplessness, of despair and pain.

I hope you are doing ok.

Hi AH, just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing.

Hi hayday..

Been pretty crap all day. Woke up crying. 9th wedding anniversary and he hasn't event txted me since I got to South Africa to check I'm ok. Nice.

My friend came to pick me up thus afternoon, I've booked us a hotel in Cape Town for the weekend. I'm here now, waiting for her to finish work then we're going to go out. I'll probably get drunk and be a mess. Haven't drank in weeks. Just hope I don't end up drunk dialling.

My brain still hasn't registered/accepted all this has happened. It's like I've completely distanced myself.

He's moving out today as well.

:(

Hope you and everyone else on here that's been so kind to me is having a better night

Hi AH

don't worry about waking up crying... that's perfectly normal but here's a big un-Mumsnetty hug from me.

Its good you are seeing a friend and its not even that bad you're having a drink or two! Hopefully you will have a laugh with your friend.

take care and take it easy. thinking of you.

It's totally normal your brain not registering etc what's happened, it does take time and you've had a huge shock! your brain needs time to catch up....

In fact (but I think those who leave situations they're not happy in, eg violent ones etc) generally most people are numb by this so take comfort that all this you're feeling etc is normal and just go with it!

You're such a lovely person, you'll get through this, stronger and maybe a better person. I Promise.

Thank you super, so kind of you to say.

Virtual hug right back at you

X

Hope you have a lovely time in CT, abs. Maybe don't take your phone? But I agree, it doesn't sound like he's even thought of you or your pain. you are so much better off, being shot of him.

On wards and upwards!

(I'll have a drink for you, imagining I'm sitting in a bar on the V&A waterfront! Last time I was there, they had a huge big-wheel, all lit up. That wheel is now in Brighton; it's not quite the same!)

I'm a failure. I called him ou got him to switch of his phone and ignore me.

You're not a failure love,you're sad and lonely so it was inevitable that you'd phone him especially if you're a bit pissed.Not to worry though, one day at a time.Don't be so hard on yourself.You're doing better than many people would.Keep posting.There's always someone here.

Of course you're not a failure! But you are setting yourself up for knocking down; every time you give him that power to hurt you. Please consider that, you are hurting, and he is hurting you by simply ignoring you. Don't give him that power.

hope you are feeling ok today - do you have a hangover? Water water water....

You're not a failure. Just remember he's had time to think this through and accept it. You haven't.

I'm a mess. Drunk dialled him, then kept Calling him through the night. Just had a sober conversation with him and he has thought it all through. He wants a divorce. Why can't I accept it??? Why???? I'm fucking heart broken and the thought of coming back to England on Friday to my empty flat kills me. Not to mention having to find a room to move into. Just can't do it.

Yes you can, AH - you're stronger than you know. Just remember all the things that you used to do for him that he didn't appreciate. Remember how cold he and his family have always been to you.

You put EVERYTHING into the relationship to the detriment of yourself. If he were a kind and generous person he would have encouraged you to do more things for yourself a long time ago. But no, he enjoyed being the sole focus of all your energy and love.

He's not a kind man, he's actually a very selfish man, and you've just become so used to it that you don't know what else is out there.

He's not WORTH all of your love and energy, he really isn't.

Hayday, he said I'm his best friend and he loves me but we don't have a future! He told me he's not sure he ever wants kids!!!!! How and where am I going to go. I'm just broken.