Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

AH, you removed yourself from his game playing and he didn't like that.

You DON'T treat someone you love the way he has treated you.

It sounds as though he's not keen on you taking control, up until now he's called all the shots with you. You did everything to make him happy, to make his life easier.

Stay strong, and just spend time with your mum.

Hayday and everyone, i know but i am so weak. All i do is wonder if he will text me and if he thinks about me or if this is easy for him now im gone. I'm not sure i did the right thing in coming home. Small town with nothing here to distract me at all. Just me and my mum sitting in her flat. :(

Why do I just want to txt him and tell him to come and get me. Even though he wont. I feel such dread.

Put the phone in another room at night. When you are up in the morning, hand the phone to your DM to reduce temptation to peek or refresh. Try to cut down on checking it each day.

If you want to contact H, you'll make up a reason. Likewise, if H wanted to contact you, no reason could stop him from doing so. He's got the bank holiday off work hasn't he.

Please don't sit there hoping for a word. Does it make you feel better to stare at your device and hope for something from H? Right now are you tempted to send a little text and will him to send you something back? What if you don’t get what you want from him and the contact makes you feel worse? Your goal is to get through this heartache but every contact delays you healing.

Donkeys you are right. Its agony.

I might have to get help at the dr's.

It is a wretched situation. I'm sorry. Fwiw I think you did the right thing going to your DM's.

Ive f.cked up. I called him, hysterically. He said ive controlled him too much the last 9 years. He has been unhappy for so long.

Im devastated. Losing my mind. Do i go back to London?

Right now your biggest reason for not contacting him is becauseyou'll feel worse after you come off the phone.

Stay put for now.

I can't remember your return date but do you want to stay with your mum for a week at least, to get yourself in a better place? The journey to SA was traumatic for you I know, give yourself some breathing space before embarking on another long haul flight back here? Thinking of you lots x

AH...

No, don't go back. Please, give yourself to pass through this awful panicky stage.

How does it feel each time you reach out and he says/does something hurtful?! It feels horrendous. So stop. Please, hand your mum your phone and don't contact him.

I know it's hard. I know. It's like going cold turkey. Try to think logically. If you return to London, will anything change?? Will he be different? Will he change his mind? You'll still be sad, but sad on your own in your flat with him coming and going.

No. Stay with your mum as planned and have her support. You need to calm down and get yourself together, going back to London will not allow you to do that.

Give yourself and him some space to think and evaluate things. If he's made the right decision for him, then so be it. Calling him whilst hysterical will not help things, only drive a bigger wedge, especially if he's already said he's unhappy and you've controlled him.

Don't pressure him in to taking you back. It will be out of pity and sympathy if he does and do you honestly want that? To be a sympathy vote?

Show him you're strong. Both have some space, and please respect one another and each others wishes. It may not be the answer or future you want but neither can you force him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and he may find in a few weeks that he's made a mistake, or he may find it was the right choice to end the marriage. Either way you both need some room to think.

Love is addictive, even if it wasn’t always plain sailing. You mentioned some problems you and he have had?

He knows you are currently emotionally vulnerable. You can be sure he has thought over this for some time and is way ahead of you.

Look OP him being the one to end things completely is what’s such a shock and so painful. You gave so much, moved continents from everything you knew for him, and had such plans.

Sweetheart, he's messing with your head. He has had a little woman for 9 years. He hasn't encouraged you to develop new friendships, or interests or a career. He hasn't built you up.

Last week he panicked. He had agreed to buy a home with you, which meant that if your relationship broke down, you would be entitled to half of it. You have been married for a while. You will be entitled to a decent settlement, if you decide to return to the UK.

Once there, you may need to rent a room in a shared house, but that is a chance to make new friends. You can also look at your job and whether you can move to somewhere better paid. It is hard, but I have been there and so have others. I started again at 34, feeling a total wreck, only wanting the man I knew I couldn't have, with no confidence in myself at all. The first 3 months were horrendous. The next year was hard. The following year I was in a new job, with a new man and now have a lovely home and 2 children with someone who has my interests at heart. A friend of the same age went through problems in her relationship but battled on. Ten years later he left her, when she was 42, and although she has started again and met someone new, she lost the chance to start a family of her own. He, on the other hand, moved straight on, married and had children of his own.

There are lots of possibilities out there for you, if you can get through the next few weeks. It is horrible having your heart ripped out. Nothing will hurt as much as what he has done to you this week. But you can get though it. You can move forward and support yourself and find a future with people who love and respect you, and want the very best for you.

Thinking of you.

^^ what the pp has said.

9 years and you are asking yourself what was it all for. But if you were considering a baby and he had serious doubts, he did the right thing to slam the brakes on. If he can feel this way and you've been oblivious, how has he been fooling you about all manner of stuff?

Now your eyes are open and he has shown you what he's made of - perhaps not the best way, but before any further life changing event. It has been a huge shock but for now do stop and take stock.

My mum is really ill and i know i'm making her worse. We haven't been out of the bedroom since i got here. Theres nowhere to go in this small town and i dont know anyone.

Im really scared. I have fertility issues and been told 5years ago to really try. Dr said they will need to help me.

Im 32. Always wanted a baby.

Ok....I totally hear that. I was broody as hell at 32 (that's when I fell for my first).

You can think about that once you're feeling better. You can explore lots of avenues. Go it alone- use a donor. I bloody would. U could adopt. Options are there BUT for now, don't think about anything past today.

It's not good that you haven't been out. Try to really focus on the fact that you're with your mum. She's not well so in a way she needs you at the mo too. Try (as hard as it is) to make the most of being with her. Have you been getting out for walks? Does your mum have any friends you can meet up with? Even just for a cuppa or a walk?

Your DM has health issues so I realise you don't want to put upon her but believe me seeing you this upset and then packing up and rushing back to London in a state of anguish would not lighten her worries.

Its horrible storms so cant leave. This page and everyone here is the only thing i have at the moment. I do really just want to go to sleep and never ever wake up

You're only 32, you have years ahead of you to find someone else and have a family.

My marriage ended when I was 33 (after 16yrs together) and I also thought it was over for me and I'd never have a family. BUT 3 years down the line I met someone else, quite unexpectedly, bought a house together, and eventually (after a long time trying and looking like we would need help) had the most wonderful son together when I was 39.

You're not on the scrap heap yet. Now have a hot shower, get some fresh air and clear your head. Get stuck in to looking after your mum, take your mind off things, it will get you no-where dwelling on things.

I know what it's like in SA- going for walks is not feasible. It's a beautiful country tho, can you get out in the car? Coast? Town? I'm sorry your mum is ill, you will need to support each other.
You've only just got there, don't think about coming back so soon. It won't change anything with him. He's already moved on. Concentrate on yourself, 32 is no age at all - I had my first, of three, at that age.

AH, it's not for long, and you made your return ticket flexible, didn't you?

Give it a week. Let him leave the flat and then you can come back.

You both need time away from each other.

Noone here can tell you that this is a final break, we don't know that. But regardless of whether you stay apart or get back together you need to focus on yourself first.

I think you lost yourself in this relationship, and you need to find yourself again.

Queen, I can't go back to my flat and the memories. Being here on my own with nowhere to go is killing me. He's out again tonight, having fun. I'm in a room with nothing. Love my mum but there's nothing she can do for me.

He has nothing AH. Nothing! You may be climbing the walls right now, but he is just climbing into a bottle of his chosen tipple. Wait the week out if you can before travelling back to the UK. The offer of a room here is still valid. But give yourself some time x

AH - the pain you feel will be the same wherever you are, in London or in SA.

In SA you will have some enforced distance which will give you a chance to heal slightly and to come back stronger. You've only been there for just over a day. Give it time.

If you don't want to go back to the flat then you just gather some things up and stay elsewhere.

The flat probably has memories for him, which is why he's staying out.

Talk things over with your DM and rest, sleep and eat. Take things back to basics. The pain you feel is tangible so take things slowly.

Any word from cousin or aunt?

Yy to giving yourself time. The next week or two will be awful anywhere. Going home to your mum and just switching off, going through the motions will give you a little time to start to go numb. It will all still be very raw, you will feel sick whenever you think about him. It is a horrible time. Try to be disciplined, to take a little walk each day. Eat a little each meal time. Try to find something to do - it does sound hard being in the middle of nowhere, in the rain!

Totally agree that going back to your flat will be too hard for you. You have a new life to begin, and it is so hard that you have no family or friends to support you. I guess that getting back to work, and finding somewhere to live will be your key priorities, along with getting to see a solicitor (most do a free half hour for you before you have to pay) to see what you will be entitled to out of a settlement. And while you do that MN will be here for you. There are lots of us that have been there, got the T shirt and will hold your hand along the way.

Once you have your settlement you can think perhaps about finding a new job, moving out of London perhaps, where house prices will be much lower, and settling somewhere nice.

In the meantime, can you give yourself a treat? Is there something that you have always wanted to do, but put off doing? Is there anywhere you can go that would be a nice break - perhaps a night away for you and your mum somewhere nice? Or failing that, just eat a lot of chocolate! There is always chocolate!

Thinking of you.