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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a fucking mug

309 replies

ReallySadFace · 18/05/2014 22:02

Dh, who I have posted about before (name changed) has just fucking grabbed me again and bruised my neck and given me a fat lip. This is after hitting me around the face with cushions after I warned him about touching me and throwing my keys at me hard.

All he has done all day is argue with me and scream at me and ruined my plans with my children. One min he's all apologetic and then he's a nasty cunt when he realises it doesn't wash with me anymore.

I have asked him to leave, so many times I've lost count but he won't go. He refuses. I'm going to have to leave tomorrow with my children :(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 19/05/2014 09:41

Another threat designed to control you.
Of course he won't get 50/50 or anything like it with his track record of violence towards you.
I'm sorry you have very limited real life help and support.
But, you have been amazing so far so keep going.
I hope you manage to get through to Womens Aid and get the help from them that you need. They are busy but keep trying.

VulvaVoom · 19/05/2014 09:59

I never comment on DV threads normally but your thread has scared me, what you said about him killing you if he gets out.

I'm worried for you and your children, could you go to a hotel until WA can sort you out? And just let the Police know that's where you'll be?

So sorry this is happening to you. My DM left my violent 'D'F when I was 2, best thing she ever did for me (and her) and I thank God all the time that she did even though that was 32 years ago.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 10:00

Kids asked where he was this morning, I just told them work as usually in a Monday he does leave before they get up. Drove to school and his car was parked next to the train track. My 3 year old ds spotted it straight away but I fobbed him off and said it wasn't daddies just one the same :(

Still not heard from police. I'm too scared to go in case they contact me as they only have my landline number. I wouldn't want him to be here when I got back.

OP posts:
anastaisia · 19/05/2014 10:01

Can you go to any neighbours for support? Even if its only a cup of tea and a chat, or someone having the children round to play with theirs. It might seem like everyone knowing what's going on could be embarrassing - but you have nothing to be ashamed of, and if they are even averagely nice then they probably would want to help. Abusers often rely on you having no one to turn to except them - so having neighbours who you can go to could be a big help if he does come round behaving aggressively at any point.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 10:01

I don't think he would actually kill me but he has threatened it a couple times. He said if he ever found out I cheated on him he would. I haven't cheated btw.

I'm going to have to phone my work and tell them I can't come in tonight too. Shit.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 19/05/2014 10:07

Another report this morning of a man who has stabbed his wife and 4 children op.
I bet she didn't think he would hurt them either :(
Every fucking week....
It's terrifying.

Petrasmumma · 19/05/2014 10:22

Threatening to kill you is a serious offence, more so because he's done it a couple of times. Thinking that he wouldn't actually do so isn't relevant: you're not the best place emotionally to make that assessment and I imagine you never thought he would behave like this at the outset of your relationship either. Please respond to his threats at face value.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 10:41

I just want to know what's going on now because it's driving me insane.

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie · 19/05/2014 10:51

reallysadface I saw that report bad is talking about and had to check the ages of the children because I was worried it might be you. Sad

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 11:03

No it wasn't me. I have three dc, two of which are his.

The police phoned and said he hasn't been interviewed yet so I can go out for a bit without worrying he will be here when I get back. I defo can't go to work tonight though and am about to phone them to tell them. Should I be honest or just phone in sick?

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 19/05/2014 11:07

re: work, it's up to you, I think. It would depend for me on whether I felt I could talk freely to the person at work. I would be tempted to be honest about the situation as they can only be supportive if they know the truth but...

And also consider how long you may need to be off work to look after the kids if he is charged, which it sounds rather like he will be.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 11:11

I hope you have been in contact with WA.
If not or they haven't mentioned it, please ring NCDV, for an emergency injunction and change the locks today if you are staying in.

Otherwise, just leave with the children.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 11:14

Reading back, please face your neighbours with your head held high.
He did this, not you. You wouldn't be ashamed if you had been assaulted by a stranger, would you?
You did the right thing to ring the police.
Just please don't let him back in. He won't change.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 11:26

Don't worry he's not coming back. He had the cheek to tell me if I just just said I wanted to end our relationship and sat down and told him that calmly then he would have just left. But apparently he couldn't accept my reasons because we had been fine before. Guessing he doesn't understand that the scars never go away and while I may out them to the back of my mind I never forget the way he makes me feel.

I've messaged my manager at work as she is very approachable and I've explained what's happened as I don't think they would be very sympathetic if they thought I was phoning in sick. I have asked her not to tell any of my colleagues though.

OP posts:
allisgood1 · 19/05/2014 11:30

Are you sure he won't attempt to come back? Can you change the locks?

Lweji · 19/05/2014 11:35

Been there, :( you have my full sympathy.

The more people you tell and get on your side, the better. They will support you and help protect you. I'm glad you have an approachable manager.

Your now ex's reaction is typical. Not his fault. Not that bad. We are just overreacting.

Mine has never been with DS unsupervised again. I was too afraid of what he might do, as he had threatened to take DS before and threatened to take our lives (my trigger to leave).

ILoveCoreyHaim · 19/05/2014 11:43

Check with the police and make sure you address is flagged up. I think this is normally done automatically but still check. What happens is the police will respond immediately due to the threats to your life and get there sharpish

skyeskyeskye · 19/05/2014 11:58

OP, have just read whole thread. Well done on reporting him to the police. you need to put yourself and your children first now and keep you all safe. As others have said, make sure that your address is flagged with the police.

Ignore all texts from him and if he threatens to take his life, then phone the police and tell them and let them deal with it. They will soon do him for wasting police time....

I think that Legal Aid is still available in cases of DV, so get yourself to a solicitor too.

Well done on being so strong so far

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 11:59

Lweji yes I've lost count the number of times I've been told I am overreacting. He will downplay what he's done, say I goaded him and he did it out of frustration. He will say I'm being stupid, that we love eachother and have a family to think of. Then when that doesn't work he will cry and say he has nowhere to go and that he will end his own life.

I've heard it all before sadly :(

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 19/05/2014 12:14

Just want to say you must try not to feel embarrassed by this, he should be the one ashamed.

You're doing all the right things OP. Wishing you good luck for the future.

BeCool · 19/05/2014 12:28

Hi Really. You are doing brilliantly well and are being very brave. I'm glad you were able to be honest with work.

I just wanted to add that you don't have to listen to him at all. What he says, thinks, tells you, says, opines etc really doesn't matter. it is all bullshit and totally irrelevant. He is an abusive twisted deluded bully - his opinion of or about you does not matter. Perhaps you can start to try ignoring that aspect of your life now?

It is what YOU want, what YOU need, how YOU feel (and your DC of course) that matters now. Please don't let his negative bullshit about you and your life together into your head anymore. YOU are the important one - focus on what YOU think and what YOU want.

Did you get anywhere with the injunction?

pictish · 19/05/2014 12:30

Yup he's a doozy.
Unfortunately, he inheritantly believes that as his wife, your role is to suck up his shit. None of his abuse really counts as such because he's your husband, and therefore has every right to treat you badly. The fact that you are wounded by his bullying and violence is your own problem. Overreacting as usual. Thanks a bunch.

There is nothing you can do to change this mindset. Nothing.

pictish · 19/05/2014 12:33

*inherently
I knew that looked wrong.

pictish · 19/05/2014 12:37

Seriously...these types of bullies are so self unaware. They will be the first to make oh no tut tut noises when they hear of someone else's marital abuse, and genuinely believe themselves to be quite different as a species.

They wholly see themselves as decent guys who keep getting wrong footed by their crazy wives.

pictish · 19/05/2014 12:38

That is why there is nothing you can do. But run.