Red Flags?

[EasyTigeress]

Been seeing a guy for a month or so but getting warning signals and seriously thinking about just calling it a day now. There a few things I think are red flags and really just looking to make sure I'm not seeing things where nothing is there due to past crappy relationships although I would be quite shocked if I was told that. A few of the things are listen below:-

Makes very loose plans (probably more suggestions) and then doesn't mention them again for example "I'll come round tomorrow if your free, will text you tomorrow to confirm and then no message.

Makes firm plans and cancels at last minute.

If I have plans makes a big deal about having wanted to see me at that exact specific time

Doesn't like when I basically won't cancel said plans.

Wants to intrude on other plans. For example girls night out and want to come along.

Doesn't like when I don't allow him to intrude on said plans.

Can become very huffy about above with messages like "great, thanks then", "just forget about it" etc etc.

Writing it down makes me think he has control issues or something and whether I'm seeing things or not I'll still be ending it but there is just something not right about this is there?

here herex

EasyTigeress I'm glad he left last night with no problems, here's hoping he now stays away.

I'm not getting into any of the row here as the OP came for support last night, and that's what she deserved. She most certainly didn't deserve slapping when she was already upset. Good luck OP.

If you feel that your words are being twisted Backto2, maybe you could read them back and consider why people are reading them that way.

I'm sorry if you feel got at. But the way you expressed yourself wasn't fair as it did sound as though you were blaming the OP for being involved with the bloke in the first place and also as if she had lots to learn about not getting involved with abusive men.

She dealt with getting involved with an abusive man really well - she got rid of him quickly and left him in no doubt that she's finished with him. How else could she have dealt with it?

Back2two, just take a moment and see that "sorry, but" is not an apology.

You went out of your way to log in and write blaming things to someone in a crisis.

That's great you feel you've overcome whatever was getting in the way of happy relationships. But don't fool yourself that approaching someone in a crisis and helping them "improve themselves" by looking at "their own role" is anything but bullying.

Tigress, I'm impressed with your decisiveness :) I was in a relationship with a similar character and I mithered on here and received a pasting because I wasn't so decisive. I was saying all the right things but not putting them into action. But anyway. In my experience he may well not just disappear. I don't want to worry you (sorry) but I saw a huge disconnect by the 'big man' way my ex presented himself, and the absolute refusal to be rejected. He didn't beg but he hasn't given up. And it's been months. Just... stay alert.

Easy - I was the one quizzing Back last night as I am forever attracting odd people (not just men). I don't think you did anything wrong at all, and am completely delighted he buggered off without a row last night.

I think I am a magnet for controllers/narcissists simply because I am kind, and they seem to sense that, latch on, and won't let go. That's their problem, not mine, and I refuse to stop being kind and a good listener because of these creeps.

"Sorry, sincerely...but I won't be told..."

You seem to be making certain assumptions which are incorrect. For example suggesting time out of relationships, I have been single for almost 3 years since I left my ExH. This guy was the first and only in that time and he was someone I already knew and therefore I had thought understood my concerns about getting involved with anyone due to being a single mum who's child doesn't see her other parent.

The "attracting these sort" was a bit of a joke. Yes I've had bad experiences but I've had plenty of good ones. I tend to trust people until given a reason not to and that isn't a behaviour I am willing to or wanting to change. I'm honest, open and laid back. This may make me an easy target but it also makes me, me.

The fact you followed certain patterns doesn't apply to everyone. The fact you recognised it is great but you seem to blame yourself and therefore blame others who have been in the position of an abusive relationship. Personally my behaviour isn't an issue, the issue lays firmly at my ex's door.

Easy, I feel honoured just to have read your posts on this thread You must be fantastic in real life!

Had a very small victory of my own last night. Friend of a friend playfully grabbed my bum. I said "Do that again and I'll kill you." After god knows how many years of knowing the theory, this was the very first time I've reacted appropriately straight off - no attempts at humour, ego preservation or education.

Practice makes perfect

GARLIC

Thanks, Cjelh

Easy, fuck all the derailing of the original point of this thread. You've done marvelously. Dodged a complete prick. Well done!

Thank you. I have received a very long winded apology today.

I think its probably best not to reply as he will probably take that as encouragement. Said he wants to make it up to me

Definitely dodged a bullet here.

Garlic - how did he respond when you said that?

God, no, don't reply!!! Bullet well dodged :)

Itsfab - He just said Sorry. Conversation continued. Groping didn't.

Good, I hope he got the message.

Hope he disappears now. You have done well in getting rid of him.

Just received another message apologising and wanting to chance to explain himself.

I'm undecided on whether to reply quite bluntly asking him not to contact me again or to continue ignoring him and hope he gets the message?

I think do whichever you are most comfortable with. The problem with these types is they won't "get the message" no matter what you do. The result will probably be the same whether you ignore or not - increasing anger, wheedling and attempts to hook you into debate.

Not surprised to hear he is back in touch. It's just a trick to hook you back in - his apology isn't genuine.

If you want to reply rather than ignore, say something along these lines "I made it clear the relationship is over. Please respect my wishes and don't contact me again, or I will take further action. Thank you".

You don't need to say thank you of course, that's up to you.

By the way, if you have a smart phone/android you can definitely download an app which blocks numbers.

What does he want to explain? You don't want to date him. That's what has happened. He doesn't need to explain anything.

I'd recommend continuing to ignore him.

You mentioned that a reply might be taken as encouragement. I think you are right.

He has already made clear he isn't the slightest interested in your feelings ('Don't think you get to make that decision'...ugh) - so, apologies and explaining himself sound like a fabricated excuses.