Red Flags?

[EasyTigeress]

Been seeing a guy for a month or so but getting warning signals and seriously thinking about just calling it a day now. There a few things I think are red flags and really just looking to make sure I'm not seeing things where nothing is there due to past crappy relationships although I would be quite shocked if I was told that. A few of the things are listen below:-

Makes very loose plans (probably more suggestions) and then doesn't mention them again for example "I'll come round tomorrow if your free, will text you tomorrow to confirm and then no message.

Makes firm plans and cancels at last minute.

If I have plans makes a big deal about having wanted to see me at that exact specific time

Doesn't like when I basically won't cancel said plans.

Wants to intrude on other plans. For example girls night out and want to come along.

Doesn't like when I don't allow him to intrude on said plans.

Can become very huffy about above with messages like "great, thanks then", "just forget about it" etc etc.

Writing it down makes me think he has control issues or something and whether I'm seeing things or not I'll still be ending it but there is just something not right about this is there?

Thanks Tea.

Well done you, and you're completely correct, you are not remotely responsible for his behaviour, and you should not be expected to have foreseen it, which is simply a variation on the expectation that you take responsibility for his behaviour.

You sound very strong and together.

Name changer here but am a regular.
OP, glad you're ok.
I was reading your thread last night but had to stop reading because I found the timing and content of 'some' of the comments to be extremely inappropriate.
I put up with a relationship with someone doing things like you mentioned for quite a long time. As you said it was when you put everything together it became clearer. It took much longer to join the dots. So well done to you, having realised so soon.

"And personality disorders are more of a mental "disorder" than "illness". The person with the personality disorder is the cause of their disorder. It's their mode of "thinking" and "reasoning" that causes their pain (which they seem very willing and ready to spread to other, innocent people). Ill, or not, they are best swerved (I feel for parents who have children with these conditions, children are harder to "swerve"). Getting to the bottom of their incessant lies, invented personas and extremely overblown sense of entitlement is something that even psychologists find hard. So don't worry that you, a layperson has been "had".

Woah, I don't even know where to start with this!!! People with personality disorders are the cause of their disorder??? You feel sorry for the parents??? I'm sorry, this is absolute bollocks, you clearly have no idea what you're talking about. I'm a therapist in a psychology service, I have a special interest in working with BPD and I train social workers, nurses etc on the condition and why people may develop a personality disorder, which is largely because of childhood abuse and neglect. Usually it is the parents shittiness that cause the child to develop this problem in the first place! So fuck feeling sorry for them! Do you really think people with BPD want to be like they are???

I have several close friends with BPD and I dread to think of them having the misfortune to come across people with views like yours. People with BPD may engage in behaviours that cause problems for themselves and occasionally others but they are usually survivors of the most traumatic and distressing experiences in childhood. Actually they are some of the bravest, most creative, compassionate people I know. There are also a few posters on the relationships board with a dx of BPD too, and I hope they don't what you just wrote either. It is attitudes like yours that keep the shame and stigma going that we are working so hard to improve for our service users.

Sorry dog was it my comments you found inappropriate?

I have apologised if I offended anyone by saying that. It wasn't intended to offend at all. It was poor word choice.

I came back to check this morning if you were okay as I was following your thread last night. Sounds like you did all the right things. This situation could happen to anyone. Ignore the unsupportive comments x

Easy I just wanted to add a message of support and say well done on spotting a wrong'un and extracting yourself from the relationship. That message about "you don't get to make that decision" was extremely creepy.

Do ignore the victim-blaming. His bad behaviour is not your responsibility and you haven't done anything wrong. He did though.

Hopefully this won't happen but on your guard for any further attempts by him to renew contact and have a plan in place if he does. Best of luck.

I think Dog is referring to comments from others.

EasyTigeress I think dog's comments were directed at the victim-blamers, but I don't blame you for feeling sensitive after their comments!
Hope that the guy leaves you the hell alone now, please don't hesitate to phone police non-emergency and make a note of the situation if he bothers you again (and obviously just phone 999 if he turns up at your door and threatens you!).

I'm really glad that you have dealt with this whole 'relationship' in a really good way.
I don't think you've got much to learn. You went out with an acquaintance, didn't like the way he was, ended it,

What else could you have done?????

Hope you feel ok this morning?x

Well done OP. Well handled

backtotwo your responses were ill timed and obsessed with your own agenda at a time when a scared woman needed the support and encouragement of others.

Please back off Backtotwo.You're not being helpful although I'm sure that you mean to be.Good for you OP in keeping it together.It can't have been easy.

Tigress , no not at all, it was comments of others that bothered me.

Hope you're feeling ok today.

You okay, OP?

4 weeks is pretty quick to see through someone's facade. How many dates is that even? 6 or 8? Hope you're ok OP, you made all the right calls

I'm not really surprised he turned up. He sounded the type.
He might not let it rest for a while either, so be prepared for a bit more hassle.

I really think you did superbly well, noticing the problem, and then acting so decisively.
It's true, when you see it written down, things become much clearer.

Hope you're ok today

Back2 - I found your comments last night harsh. The OP had clearly wised up to this man early doors, and has quickly taken the appropriate action in ending the relationship firmly. I was impressed with her self assurance.
What else did you want? For some reason you felt compelled to stick the boot in a bit anyway. I didn't understand it.

Your long post there, in which you cleverly flip things around so you seem reasonable, would have credibility if the OP had done anything other than what she did. If she had been swithering, or making excuses for him, or doubting herself, your comments might have held some weight. As it is, she has the self awareness, experience and self esteem to handle this situation cleanly.
Your abrasiveness was not required.

"You have me wrong, which is fine as it's just a few words on a screen."

No it isn't, it was someone in an unnerving and potentially dangerous situation who needed support. Words on a screen can be the difference between being feeling supported and not feeling supported.

I think your insistence that both parties have something to learn here, is a bit much tbh. I agree that it's right and proper that in general, of course people should learn as much about their motives and behaviour as possible, but I don't think the OP does have anything to learn vis a vis her behaviour with this man. She engaged with him for 4 weeks which is a very short time, felt uneasy about him, asked advice on an open forum, had her gut feel vindicated by other women, dumped him and sought RL support from a friend so that she felt safe when he kicked off. What do you think she needs to learn about how to handle the many, many abusive nobbers out there who she may encounter from time to time? Because I think she handled this situation extremely well, I'd be interested to know if there was anything she could have done better. I personally can't think of anything.

OP my blood ran chilly at his txt reply "Don't think you get to make that decision"

I would have laughed though, at the sheer audacity of it.
Erm...think you'll find that I do, pal!

Well said Basil.

Well done, easy.

Victim-blaming bullies, fuck right off.

Back2Two

I have read all your posts and whilst I don't actually follow your train of thought, I don't have to. I think it's clear our opinions differ quite vastly.

There is one thing you said which I have read and I think needs pointed out:-

I'm sure you'd like this to be the last time that you feel like the victim?

Irrespective of what you have said about not "victim blaming" this post suggests different. It makes it sound like you think that women who find themselves in a vulnerable position somehow want to be a "victim". Let me put it clearly, nobody wants to be a victim. I didn't feel like a victim last night because I managed to remain in control of the situation. I felt slightly threatened to the point of having to pull on RL support but not threatened enough to involve outside authorities (police).

I get the distinct impression from your posts than you think abused women are weak? I have myself suffered from DV and I have worked with many other who have too and let me tell you they are some of the strongest women I have ever met. They have been manipulated into thinking that they don't have "strength" but quite honestly I don't think you know until you have been in that position and then managed to leave how much of your strength you use on a daily basis in a DV relationship. Until you have been there you don't know what it takes to cover the bruises paint a smile on your face and face the world like everything is fine. In these cases the strength is misplaced but it is still there. This is what we try to teach women who are in DV relationships. We try to teach them to channel their amazing strength into regaining control of their lives and most importantly learning to protect themselves again because after a DV relationship many women are stripped of the basic protection instincts.

I personally think you would do quite well to do some research on the subject and look into the figures and to how and when DV is most likely to start. I think it would open your eyes.

Thanks to everyone else on this thread. You have been amazing. I have heard nothing today, he's probably sleeping off the booze. I'm away out today so I'm sure he'll be a long and distant memory after the first glass of wine

< Rapturous applause >