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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red Flags?

164 replies

EasyTigeress · 16/05/2014 20:00

Been seeing a guy for a month or so but getting warning signals and seriously thinking about just calling it a day now. There a few things I think are red flags and really just looking to make sure I'm not seeing things where nothing is there due to past crappy relationships although I would be quite shocked if I was told that. A few of the things are listen below:-

Makes very loose plans (probably more suggestions) and then doesn't mention them again for example "I'll come round tomorrow if your free, will text you tomorrow to confirm and then no message.

Makes firm plans and cancels at last minute.

If I have plans makes a big deal about having wanted to see me at that exact specific time

Doesn't like when I basically won't cancel said plans.

Wants to intrude on other plans. For example girls night out and want to come along.

Doesn't like when I don't allow him to intrude on said plans.

Can become very huffy about above with messages like "great, thanks then", "just forget about it" etc etc.

Writing it down makes me think he has control issues or something and whether I'm seeing things or not I'll still be ending it but there is just something not right about this is there?

OP posts:

Original poster

EasyTigeress · 17/05/2014 00:25

Not sure how I have been dramatic but ok thanks.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 17/05/2014 00:28

Did he turn up then OP?

Original poster

EasyTigeress · 17/05/2014 00:34

Not yet. Here is hoping he doesn't

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 17/05/2014 00:36

He's probably just gone and got pissed after being dumped and gone home to sleep it off.

PowerPants · 17/05/2014 00:42

I hope you are OK OP.

Back2Two, I attract weirdos too. What does this actually mean? How can I change my behaviour?

Tinks42 · 17/05/2014 00:49

Stop being so intense about things, like usually sees like.

wyrdyBird · 17/05/2014 00:53

I hope he doesn't too.
Keep safe, and don't be afraid to call police. They've seen it all before, and will give good guidance if you call 101 (999 obvs if you are at immediate risk).
Thinking of you.

PowerPants · 17/05/2014 01:09

Ah. I am the least intense person in the world so it's not that.

This bloke's a bloody nightmare. Sleep well OP and I hope he leaves you alone.

Tinks42 · 17/05/2014 01:12

Then surely you suss them out after the first nutty thing they do and don't continue?

PowerPants · 17/05/2014 01:56

The problem I have is recognising the nuttiness!

Backinthering · 17/05/2014 06:26

OP hope you're okay. Don't really understand why a couple of people have decided to put the boot in so just ignore them.

teaandthorazine · 17/05/2014 07:23

Nice bit of blaming there from tinks and back

Even if he does have a genuine mental health issue, the OP still has a right to end the relationship whenever she chooses without this behaviour from him.

It's more likely however that he's just an entitled, controlling dickhead.

Hope things settled down last night, OP.

AskBasil · 17/05/2014 08:25

Hope you're OK today EasyTigress.

Once all this has blown over, I'd recommend you read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? It will give you a good steer on how to spot a controlling, abusive man.

Loads of people who have ever had more than a couple of relationships, have attracted an abuser at some point simply because there are so many of them around. It's nothing they did that makes these men behave like this, so please try to ignore the posts which imply that it's your fault you are attracting them.

FWIW I don't think you've got too much of a problem - so what that you attracted a loon, within a month you'd realised it and you dumped him. That's what you're supposed to do, but some people just can't resist telling women they're at fault when men behave badly. Anyway that book will help you hone your nobber-spotting skills even more finely so that you'll be able to spot them even sooner than within a month.

Back2Two · 17/05/2014 08:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Back2Two · 17/05/2014 09:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

teaandthorazine · 17/05/2014 09:15

You can repeat my posts back to me all you like, Back2Two. It won't turn me into an apologist for threatening and potentially abusive men.

AskBasil · 17/05/2014 09:17

I'm not sure what point you're making Back.

What's wrong with that post?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/05/2014 09:25

Op, was everything ok?
(And some men are controlling dickheads) just repeat, it's not me, it's them.

Thegoatprophecy · 17/05/2014 09:42

Back, your reasoning is wrong. AskBasil is correct; there are simply lots of dodgy controlling blokes around, so it's bad luck rather than attracting them. I am a secure person, but had an abusive relationship as I was too naive to spot the red flags; several other grounded, well adjusted female friends have ended up with violent guys. And those who you criticize for their harsh statements are just recognising the pattern of early abuse because they have been there. Congrats to the OP for dumping in weeks (rather than years like me).

AskBasil · 17/05/2014 10:00

I think we need to bear in mind that we are told we need to have relationships with men and we are socialised to give men the benefit of the doubt.

So 4 weeks to decide that actually, my gut instinct wasn't wrong, this guy is a knob, is not at all unreasonable.

There are a lot of knobs around and we are socialised to excuse their knobbery so of course we're going to encounter them and engage with them for a bit.

The more you think about it the more outrageous it is to blame women for that.

RabbitFromAHat · 17/05/2014 10:08

Nice blaming work here from some fucking idiots people.

OP I hope things are OK today, and well done you.

stooshe · 17/05/2014 10:10

Congrats on getting rid, OP. My last serious relationship (I'm now happily in a casual relationship) was with a very controlling man (insofar as he justified his persistent texts and calls as "being in love" whilst I thought that it was "surveillance").
I took too long to get rid of the man and I still get flashbacks of some of the weird stuff that he did. I'm quite sure that if I wasn't a bit "street", I would still be in, what I have discovered to be, is a harem of women in various stages of seduction.
The ex was also a master of dropping the ominous phrase,so forget what the negative, victim blamers have said. Many a Female thought that I was being a miserable cow, complaining about my ex. They aren't so full of that chat, now! Your only "crime" (as was mine) was being naive. At least you realised, quickly that this man aint "righted".

And personality disorders are more of a mental "disorder" than "illness". The person with the personality disorder is the cause of their disorder. It's their mode of "thinking" and "reasoning" that causes their pain (which they seem very willing and ready to spread to other, innocent people). Ill, or not, they are best swerved (I feel for parents who have children with these conditions, children are harder to "swerve"). Getting to the bottom of their incessant lies, invented personas and extremely overblown sense of entitlement is something that even psychologists find hard. So don't worry that you, a layperson has been "had".
Oh, does the man's name begin with a "W"?

Original poster

EasyTigeress · 17/05/2014 10:11

He came up in a taxi last night and rang from the taxi. My friend spoke to him on the phone and he promptly left again thankfully.

I'm not an intense person in a relationship, I'm quite chilled out and relaxed too. The comments saying I should have got to know him better I knew him before I started dating him and he always seemed perfectly nice.

The attitude here by some seems to be that his behaviour last night we as acceptable because I should have known that he was going to act like this I am not responsible for his actions. Yes there were a few warning signs but nothing that raised a big enough red flag on it's own. It was only when I put them all together I got the feeling something wasn't quite right.

Thanks to those who have been supportive on this thread.

OP posts:

teaandthorazine · 17/05/2014 10:16

I am not responsible for his actions

Absolutely.

And you know what, even if you'd been with him for several years, and he'd been behaving even more appallingly than this, you still wouldn't be responsible for it.

Glad you're ok, OP. Let's hope that's the last you hear of him.

Original poster

EasyTigeress · 17/05/2014 10:17

I would also like to point out that I have previously been in an abusive marriage. Sometime women who have been through abuse find it easier to spot signs and sometimes women who have been through abuse and de-sensitized to the "warning signs" and they are more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt until they are sure.

As soon as I realised that in fact the situation as a whole was wrong I ended it. Was my abusive marriage my fault also? Don't think so.

Nice bit of victim blaming going on, on this thread. I'm glad I had the support of some of the original posters last night because had there been the latter comments I would have possibly given up on receiving support through these channels.

OP posts:

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