DH said no more tattoos

[ICanSeeTheSun]

My vision is to turn my back into a canvas, I believe tattoo are art, so far I have 4 on my back.

I love them and it is a part of me.

livingzuid I don't really get your point. If the DH is used to OP having tattoos she had 4 when she married him; does that mean if she goes on to have a huge tattoo all over her back now, he should have no problem with it? I mean...there must be something different about this one.

For others who've said tattoos are judged - are they? This is an internet board people are giving opinion based on the angle OP was coming from. She said DH would find her tattoo unattractive so of course people are going to mention attraction in their responses. How on earth is that being 'judgmental?' Its entirely in keeping with the subject matter.

I very much doubt people are so shocked at the sight of tattoos that they're going to march up to someone in RL and show outright horror. Tattoos are nothing new, they're hardly 'shock horror on sight' factor, are they. Although from the sound of it on here, its felt that one is somehow avant garde, radical even, for having a tattoo. They're just commonplace and you like them, or you dont.

Good grief no, Mistress DeeCee, I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested that they think their tattoos are 'avant garde'.

Most of us have said that we have a tattoo or tattoos that we rather like, & we're a bit bemused that they are of more than passing interest to anyone who doesn't like them.

As DownstairsMixUp has just outlined, we do occasionally seem to attract uninvited negative comment & criticism, in a way that really wouldn't be socially acceptable if the critic was commenting on any other aspect of someone's appearance.

For example, someone I work with has recently had fillers & botox in her face. I don't, tbh, think it looks great. I would never dream of saying so, of course, because that would be unkind & inappropriate.

I don't think people are 'shocked' by tattoos. It's more that, oddly, there seems to be a fairly widespread culture that it's OK to be openly & unapologetically rude about someone's tattoo. Tis v peculiar.

mistressdee She has wanted to have tattoos, she sees her body as a canvas for art, she believes they are art. She had tattoos before and after they got together. If he doesn't like them then why did he get together with her? You said yourself you don't find them attractive. So if he doesn't but he knows it is something she is into, then why would you go there. It isn't right to expect her to change something she is obviously so passionate about just because he's decided she has had enough done.

It's a big difference between suddenly announcing to your husband of many years all of a sudden you want a big back piece when you've never mentioned it before, compared to something you have been working on for quite some time, already have tattoos and it is a part of your psyche. It is the same as me dating someone and hoping to change them into what I want them to be something later on the line. It's never a good idea and that transformation is never going to happen. He should not make her change who she is just to please his notions of attractiveness.

The original subject matter to me was the OP asking what to do with her husband's reaction as she made it clear she loves tattoos, not a general debate on the pros and cons of having tattoos - but that is what it turned into which is inevitable I guess :) No, of course not all posters have judged - it's been an interesting debate sometimes.

There's a huge difference between saying 'not for me I find them unappealing' and then being downright rude and judgemental. It's subjective, the same with anything to do with appearance. I don't personally find piercings attractive but it doesn't bother me if someone else has them done and I wouldn't consider them 'chavvy', 'poverty stricken', 'rough', 'defacing' themselves and all the other pretty unpleasant words some posters have used. I'm not somehow deficient because I have tattoos. As a pp wisely said, stop judging others on appearance. It isn't fun when it happens to anyone regardless of tattoos, size, hair, race, height, etc etc etc.

Although from the sound of it on here, its felt that one is somehow avant garde, radical even, for having a tattoo

I don't get this from the thread. Certainly not from those of us who have tattoos. I don't consider myself avant garde or radical, I'm pretty average and boring. I just think tattoos can be beautiful and I love the stories behind them. It's a personal choice to have them done, nothing to do with anyone else. It is the hysteria in certain quarters over tattoos that still leaves me somewhat surprised. I completely agree with you that they are commonplace and people should not be so worked up about it. But the fact remains there is prejudice out there and it has been shown in some of the responses on this thread. I experienced it from my own family. My mother nearly had a heart attack which is quite ridiculous imo and I told her so, As did my MIL. I'm going to have to weather a family wedding soon and I guarantee you I'll get had a go at. People do come up to you to compliment you on them though which is nice too :)

DownstairsMixUp that is so true. And random people just touching your bump without asking!

Couldn't pull it off as a white NZer, but that's another issue this made me chuckle. Tattooing is so subjective even to those who have them done. MY DH would agree with you - he doesn't like tribal tattoos on people who don't actually come from that background. He thinks it looks strange, but equally he'd say each to their own if that is what they choose to do!

bunbaker that's exactly right about just being polite. It's not difficult. There's still a stigma attached to tattoos though which goes beyond appearance as such if that makes sense. I would say most people really don't care but there are some that shout very loudly.

See I really like tattoos and men instantly become infinitely more attractive to me if they have tattoos, but even the sexiest looking man alive loses a few points in my mind if they don't have tattoos. I would expect tattoo dislikers to have a similar reaction on discovery that someone has tattoos but I would never expect them to judge the other person or assume they are rough or chav or whatever.

I like some tattoos on some people although I have chosen not to have any myself. My DH doesn't have any either - if he suddenly decided he really wanted one (unlikely) we'd discuss it and ideally agree on something we both liked, on the basis it was his body but I was the one having to look at it every day. The same way we agree on artwork we hang on the walls.

However there are certain types of piercings / punchings / skin "art" procedures which make me feel physically unwell to look at, from feeling mildly queasy to wanting to retch depending on how extreme they are. That's not a moral judgement, it's a physical response as I am a very squeamish person. I couldn't stay with someone who wanted to have one of those procedures, much as I might love him and respect it's his body, because it would leave me feeling physically sick every time I looked at it in a way I can't help or control.

I'm not suggesting the OP's DP has the same extreme response to her tattoos - if she already had some when they met then he obviously doesn't - but his right to have a negative response, so long as it is not abusive/controlling, is as valid as hers is to want more tattoos, and it doesn't necessarily make him a shallow person if he finds her fundamentally less attractive with a large tattoo than he did when she only had a couple of small ones.

"See I really like tattoos and men instantly become infinitely more attractive to me if they have tattoos, but even the sexiest looking man alive loses a few points in my mind if they don't have tattoos."

and for me the sexiest man alive would lose a few points if he was covered in tattoos. It's a good job we aren't all the same.

I agree with select's analogy about looking at a piece of art every day.

This thread has made me want to get on with getting my sleeve finished off and get started on my other arm.

Off to Pinterest for some inspiration.

SelectAUserName My DH just had Tongue bifurcation done . I'm not a fan of it, and would have rather he didn't have it done but I knew he'd been saving/thinking about it since he was a teen. So who am I to stop him. Luckily, I'm not squeamish!

I find men with tattoos so much more attractive, whereas men who have long hair very unattractive.

Mckayz It's made me want another, but I'm picky on where I have my tattoos! Haha.

Mulitple, I think that would make me a little squeamish! One of my friends at school wanted it done. No idea if he ever did or not.

I have the start of a nautical themed sleeve. I have a lighthouse and getting an anchor and swallow done soon. Can't wait!

Multiple the very thought of it makes me want to go and lie down in a darkened room with a cold glass of water

MultipleMama you sound like me! Long hair on men I don't like at all, DP went through a stage of having a Frankie Sandford style haircut and I really hated it on him!

Also I don't think I am "radical" for having a tattoo at all, I just like tattoos, it's just a shame some people have such a poo-poo attitude to them. They are getting more mainstream though and more men seem to like the tattooed look on women, look at a website called Suicide Girls and see how much it has grown in the last few years, it is full of tattooed/pierced attractive women!

his right to have a negative response, so long as it is not abusive/controlling, is as valid as hers is to want more tattoos, and it doesn't necessarily make him a shallow person if he finds her fundamentally less attractive with a large tattoo than he did when she only had a couple of small ones

I would completely agree with you if she had sprung it on him. If my DH came home with a face full of piercings without discussing it with me I'd be upset although I'd get over it in time. He wouldn't do that though as we would have talked it through beforehand.

There are people who do just think they'll rush off and get a tattoo done and those tend to be the ones where I'm not so sure about, particularly as you don't know about the quality of the artwork. But hey, it's their body and their decision. But the OP has four tattoos already, two of which were done after the marriage. People who think of having big back pieces or adding more to the collection have been thinking about it for years - I have been dreaming of mine since I was 15, same as mulitplemama.

There is a lot of research into the design, artist and saving up - they are hugely expensive! It´s not something where you wake up one day and just decide to get it done there and then on a whim. It takes a huge amount of planning and more importantly, it is a fundamental part of that person's makeup. It's asking her to change a big part of herself.

Granted the OP hasn't stated that she's always talked about her body as a canvas with her DH and had planned to have many done (and I'm not sure she's coming back to the thread so I could be massively projecting!) but ime it's something that is discussed from day 1 as people are so passionate about it. I find it very hard to believe that she hasn't been very clear from the outset about this with him. If that is the case, why is he trying to change her now? He's obviously known she is very into this. Or maybe not, and there's another part of the problem.

In your case, you'd never get with someone who was into extreme body stuff which makes total sense. Her DH is perfectly justified to not like tattoos, but I do not understand why he, or anyone else, would marry someone who was so clearly into them and wanted more when they found it such a turn off. Aren't we supposed to love and accept our partners warts and all (or in this case, tattoos and all?)? :)

Could you imagine if we were all into the same thing. How boring life would be For me, I find men with shaved heads and tattoos very sexy which is my DH to a T fortunately (excluding scary neo Nazi/EDL types can I just add!)

DownstairsMixUp - Some of those SG are very pretty, and I'm envious of some of the tattoos.

living - I like my guys who look a bit like Syn Gates & a young Michale Graves... which luckily DH can be both depending which mood he's in

As living said, a back piece is a massive commitment, it isn't something you decide on overnight. Not only is it expensive, and depending on how big you want it (not all back pieces cover every corner btw) it can take multiple visits and hours. Things like colour, design, size, artists everything has to be looked over again and again until you are absolutely sure there is nothing about it you want to change, if you dislike the smallest thing, then you rework it otherwise it'll become a fixation point AFTER it's done. People who love tattoos and take pride in the ink they wear, don't rush into it lightheartedly. My tattoos took a lot of time, pain and money and a lot of heart when into them, and for someone to call them "chavvy" or "rough" is not only offensive but saddening to me because they just don't understand.

Like it or not, those with a significant number of visible tatoos are judged by many. It may not be right, but it is certainly the way things are.

Dh (mid 40s) recently expressed a desire to get a visible tatoo. I also said I would not like it.

I would not actually find it that unattractive. However, I would be bothered by the assumptions and judgments of others (both professionally and personally) and I just do not want to add another level of complexity in to our lives.

Dh needs to take this into account. He needs to think what the parents of the dcs' friends would think, what his colleagues would think and what our peers would think. If he did not do this, it is not his taste which would have me questioning our marriage but his lack of judgment.

I suppose it depends on if/how the OP has discussed it with her DP, and in the absence of that information, we don't know whether it was a clear intention early in their relationship that she wants further extensive body art, or a conversation along the lines of "yeah, I'd like some more tattoos one day when I can afford it but I'm not sure exactly what yet" (the OP herself says she hasn't decided on her latest design yet). If the latter, and the previous tattoos have so far been fairly small and discreet (again, the OP said her DP didn't notice two of them at first, so not an unreasonable assumption to make), it might still have come as a shock to him to learn that the next body art is to be, or form part of, an entire back canvas.

Your body. My DH is forever hinting he'd like more tattoos on me (I only have to very small and well hidden ones).

Two. Not to.

How does a tattoo add a complication to your life . It's a tattoo...

what the parents of the dcs' friends would think

Does their opinion really effect your life that much? I'd care more about what my children think more than a parent who's ideals could be completely different to yours. Do you consider them when deciding what to wear on a morning too?

what his colleagues would think

Firstly, I think you'd obviously discuss with your boss what's allowed first. And secondly, you only work with those people and if they can't get on woth you because of a tattoo then that says a lot about them.

what our peers would think

It's fine for friends to have opinions but they would never be the deciding factor on a tattoo and if they are. You think way more of other's opinions than you're own.

Lack of judgement? You mean, deciding to do something for himself instead of conforming to other's opinions about his body and his idea. Fair enough you, as his wife, but not so much the others.

To me, in general, it's silly to leave or give a partner an ultimatium over a tattoo/back piece. That's just my opinion.

I couldn't give a monkeys about what my DCs friends parents might think about my tattoos. Not sure why it would make a difference.

Surely if they like him and think he's a good father without tattoos they will still like him afterwards.

But it is important what other people think, I would like to say it is not, but that just has not been my experience of life.

Ds has had many issues integrating with his peersn as a result, the opinion of his friends' parents is relevant to us. Without their continued goodwill, he would struggle to retain friends. We live in a conservative area and he goes to a conservative school, it helps him if his parents conform to the same social norms that his friends' parents conform to. In other circumstances it might not matter, but as things are it does.

The opinion of dh's work collegues may say a lot about them but nevertheless, it is dh's chosen profession and his chosen workplace. Having made the choices he has made to work where he does he now needs to live with the consequences of those choices - as do the rest of his family.

I agree, what your friends think should not be a deciding factor, but again, dh has chosen to live where we live and socialise with the people we socialise with. If he wants to change direction mid-stream, he does need to think about the other people in the boat with him.

We live in a judgmental society, there are already stresses in our life and things that make people jump to erroneous conclusions about who we are. If dh wants to add to those factors, I would indeed question his judgment and his comittment to the rest of us. It sounds melodramatic, but I can't see how the asthetic gratification of a tattoo for dh could justify one ounce of additional difficulty for ds.

Oh my word the opinions of others?? Good grief I'm so glad I don't live in that world. I'm sure people do judge me when they see me but that is absolutely fine by me as it makes knowing who I will bother with and who isn't worth it so much easier. Anyone who would judge someone because of an aesthetic quality is not someone I would ever associate with. I don't associate with homophobes, racists, sexists, sizists, those who assume suits must be arrogant, hippies must be dirty, conservative dressers must be boring or metal heads must be alcoholic violent druggies and judging someone for having tattoos is no different. I hope these judgemental folk don't pass that to their children. I would hate to think my kids get judged for choosing to dress a certain way or have particular hair or makeup or piercings or tattoos - in fact mothers here, if your child got a tattoo, then you heard people calling them names because of it, would you not defend them? Would you agree? Or would you feel bad that someone could be so nasty to your beautiful, clever, kind child because of a doodle on them? I don't want to live in that world or have my children raised in that.

It is not important to me what random people think of me. All I care about is my husband and my children.

They love my tattoos and so that is all I care about.

If people do not like my tattoos it is their problem.

I've had a few times where parents of my son's peers have refused to let their children play with mine because "my son with tattooed parents would be a bad inflencue". One child told my son that he heard his mum say I was weird. My 5yo son replied; so,and then proceeded to play tag with this boy - his mother however was v.embarrassed when I confornted her.

My DC know mama and vava are different and covered in pictures which some people don't like but we always told them it's good to express yourself and honestly most children really don't care what a parent of a friend looks like, they're more bothered about their friend it's only when parents transfer their negative views that children start "follow" as they are very impressionable.

Not sure if any of that made any sense! Haha. I need sleep or at least a Boost Juice!

goosey I understand what you are saying and it made me feel sad to read your posts. There are groups of people who do judge although I have hopes it's improving. If it wasn't a tattoo it would be something else. I am reminded of a pool full of piranhas waiting for the next feeding frenzy when I think of groups of people I used to know who are part of the lifestyle you highlight.

I deliberately turned my back on this type of person. It was far too stressful. I actually have my phone disconnected at the moment so I dont have to deal with my mother who is one of those types. Real friends do not treat you the way you outline in your post. I cover my tattoos when I need to at work. And if anyone has a problem with tattooing, being racist, homophobic, sexist and so on then they aren't going to be the type of person/employer my Dh and I want to associate with anyway.

The way you have to live sounds totally exhausting, continually having to worry about what others think. I hope you manage to find a more peaceful way of life at some point.