Dating thread 75

[DeliberatelyDreaming]

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

dont - why? Sounds complicated...

I met him on thread 62/3? We fell madly in love. It was euphoric and addictive. He had issues. I challenged him. He dumped me. Devastated.

oh don't I am sorry.

Just checking in for some common sense, briefly...

I'm going away soon with a couple of friends. Boyfriend is not going. We do a particular type of partner dancing (don't want to say too much...) and it's a weekend of dancing and drinking and stuff. So I will be dancing/having close contact with other men.

My boyfriend doesn't mind. Now, I know this is supposed to be a good thing! This is where I need some common sense...

My exH was quite supportive of me doing things, but I'm pretty sure that, due to the close physical nature of this activity, he would NOT have been happy with me doing this. From other things he said when we were together, I think he would have felt it was inappropriate for me to be that close to another man, physically. I'd have had the whole spiel about it being very sexual (it's not really).

My previous LTR would have hit the roof for similar reasons. It wouldn't even have been an option.

But my boyfriend doesn't mind. This is a Good Sign, right?

On the back of everything else I've said, this is more likely to be that he's not an abusive controlling arse rather than he's not interested and doesn't care whether I cheat or not?

He said a few weeks ago that does sometimes feel jealous and threatened because of past experiences, but he doesn't behave in a jealous way - he doesn't question me or give me a hard time. He said he trusts me and he knows I wouldn't do anything. (I wouldn't).

To put it into some perspective, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't give him a hard time about going, and I certainly wouldn't try and stop him, but I would feel very uncomfortable about the thought of it, and I would be a little very anxious about it the whole time he was away.

And I would want to ask him if he had 'been good', although I wouldn't actually do so.

So do you think he's suppressing his true feelings in order to give you the impression that he's not possessive or jealous?
I've found that some women see it as a fine line between not being the slightest bit jealous to not giving a shit.

P.s. You ARE fully clothed while this dancing takes place aren't you FolkGirl ?

Folk You dance too ?

This is something that I have actually talked to some of my GF about that I met through my salsa classes/events. I have dated a guy in the past who is a non-dancer and it was not fun for him to always sit and drink when the session that I took him to were full of dancers. So that was a down point for him. He also was too isolated and did not chat to many people, so I did feel bad about that aspect. The thing which really did bother him a lot was indeed how affectionate I was towards some of the dancers I knew that were regulars, and he definitely had an issue with that. I realised that he is not that kind of sociable guy, so he has an awful lot of questions in his mind about who, what, why, and how we met etc.

My ex said he doesn't mind meeting people or that I go to salsa. He say it in his mind, but until he saw how things happen, I bet he does mind. If I could handle things differently now, I would try to ask him to come, and I would also make sure that I only dance say around 30% of the time, and chit chat more. Or catch up with my friends until my partner is slowly eased into these kind of social settings. I would hope that he too get something out of it, and meeting my close close friends without pressure on him. So I would really try and choose venues that have both classes and social dancing, with a decent bar. So it can end up as if it a night out of drinking really.

To me, if I could, it is definitely one of those things that I would love a partner of mine to also get involved in, and that we can find dancing outings as a part of our lives together. Well, I hope.

It is actually not that easy to bring in a non-dancer to a full session where most people are indeed proficient dancers from years of experience. But I try to remember how it was for me in the beginning, and how it became a fun thing for me. I hope to be there to support them in finding that "spark" in dancing. As that was how it was for me in the beginning. I had good teachers and friends who made it fun for me.

Maybe it is worth taking him to classes first, where it may be less intense in the dancing, and more laidback.

Folk i think his demeanor just before and after the weekend away would reveal whether he is surpressing jealous-type behaviour. I mean, if he tries to put you off going or makes you feel guilty for wanting to go (you know, sad eyes and lip out while he says in baby voice 'but i'm going to miss you' lol) or provokes any arguments it would be a red-flag for me. Similarly, over the time away, constant calls and texts or trying to make you feel sorry for him while it can be flattering I would be wondering if it were an indication of future problems. And again, any sulking or 'punishing' you by going unusually quiet after you come back, all slow subtle ways of putting you off going in the future. I admit I am probably jaded by past experience but these type of things would be ringing alarm bells even if he's talking the talk and saying it's ok to go.

folk I think it sounds like a good thing.

I would no go folk it could cause trouble in the future believe me

neil No, I don't think he's suppressing his true feelings. He says he loves the fact that I do it and do so much stuff. He's coming to watch me in a show (doing something different) in a few weeks time and wants to bring some of his friends. He said he'll be really proud to look at the stage and say to them, "that's my girlfriend up there".

I think you're right in what you say about it being a fine line between not being jealous and not giving a shit. That's it I suppose.

Maisie He doesn't dance, he hasn't been to a dance class with me. It's not really about involving him in it. It's my thing

Someday See, all those things you said are exactly what I would have had from my exes. But not from him. There have been no ascerbic remarks from him. I'm going to see him the day after I get back and he just said he's looking forward to hearing all about it and he hopes I have a good time. I'm not anticipating any problems, he never gives me a hard time about anything I do. He's met some of my friends from another hobby and has commented on his surprise that a couple of the men were single because they're "good looking guys", but without any subtext of 'do you fancy them...?".

Mini That's what I'm hoping. I read something on a thread on here a while ago where someone had commented on a jealous partner and one response was something to the effect that it is ok to feel a little jealous/worried as long as you recognise that it's your problem. It becomes wrong when you try to change how another person behaves because of the way you feel. He certainly hasn't said/doesn't say if something makes him feel jealous. Oh with the exception of one thing that he said made him feel "a bit uncomfortable", but that was it. He hasn't requested that I don't do it or mentioned it again.

Goodguy Oh I'm going, there's no question about that.

I suppose, I'm still just questioning his feelings for me a little because he behaves in a completely different way to anyone I've been out with before, ever. But all of my past relationships (with the exception of a couple of boyfriends when I was 17 or so) have been abusive in some way or other. I'm just trying to get to grips with what 'normal' is, or how to interpret behaviour I'm unfamiliar with.

Your last paragraph sums it up FolkGirl.
You're waiting for something bad to happen, when it more than likely won't.
Being conditioned by past experience might have made you a bit cynical.

Not a brilliant date.
Started off semi romantic ended up in casualty with fast heart rate and breathing .
He was great but can't help feeling that this is it, he was in a crap moods this am not directed at me but no sleep ext today and lots to do son't know what happening.

Wasn't blaming you btw FolkGirl , it's only natural that you'd feel like that.

Hope you're ok Jesy.

I'm ok well feel a bit rubbish I'm feeling I was a bit clingy so t h him but tbh if I'd have called my mum shed have driven me mD

I think you are on to a good egg there folk

Evening all :)
The last time I posted I was worried because it felt like replies had been dwindling. I was completely wrong and being a bit paranoid (self sabotage anyone?), we've been chatting a lot on the phone and via messages and I'm starting to like him even more.
We have date number 3 lined up for tomorrow somewhere in central london. Can't help but feel excited about seeing him!

neil Thanks. I didn't take it as you blaming me

That's why I asked because I wanted to see what other people would say.

It is true that because my relationship with my parents was abusive, I've always interpretted people being controlling/jealous/violent with 'caring'.

My son's father used to hit me and his mother always said that it was only because he cared about me so much and that I'd never find anyone who loved me as much as he did. I didn't like that he hit me, but I just believed her!

My boyfriend doesn't do anything that I recognise or associate with caring or affection from the days of yore! He does lots of nice stuff instead - like telling me he loves me and that he's proud of me... Like taking care of me when I'm ill and doing nice things for me. Oh, and telling me that he hopes I'll have a great time away.

But because he isn't loading me down with, "but what if you meet someone?"; "but what if someone fancies you?"; "but you're going to be dancing with all those men..." and I'm not reassuring him that, "of course I won't do anything"; "it won't matter if someone fancies me because I'm with you"; "of course I'll phone you every day" type of crap, it just sort of feels a little bit like he isn't bothered!

He has said a few times that he's really pleased he's going to see me the day after I get back, which is a little out of the ordinary - he doesn't normally tell me two or three times that he's really pleased he's going to see me! So perhaps the fact that I'm clearly looking forward to seeing him soon is reaffirming to him in a 'normal' functional way.

folk I think his reaction sounds good. He is supportive of you doing your own thing, but cares too. The fact that he recognises those little pangs of jealousy, but knows not to react to them, to me shows that he is in tune with his emotions. Although I agree with neil, your history has conditioned you to worry about this. Go, enjoy yourself - I think he'll be waiting to hear all about it when you get back.

jesy sorry to hear you evening went wrong - hope you feel ok now? Hopefully he will be in touch soon.

Bigbird

We were together untill lunch ,made me eat breakfast so I could take meds
I guess I'm jumpy over him never been with some one kind before he do t always listen but we'll he a man

I'm with bigbird folk on this. well put.

jesy hope u are better.

pink I'm glad you have date 3 lined up. I'm having a wobble myself today. want to stop wondering if my phone will beep anytime soon. I'm going away with family for a week. he has said he wants to pop over and see me before I go but hasn't committed to a day. only 2 evenings left! we will see. need a hug.

Thanks Bigbird and Mini. I think I'm also hoping that doing my own thing is going to make me look better in his eyes too.

He knows I'm not just sitting around waiting for him to fill my spare time, and I have had to say to him that I can't see him on a weekend when I normally would because, for example, I'm going away with my friends, or because I'm playing in a concert or something. He knows that my evenings/weekends away from him are pretty full and that he's not the only thing I've got going on in my life.

I know it's bad, but if he had as much going on as me, I think I would feel threatened by it. I'm not proud of it, but again, that's because I've always been the first, last and everything when I've gone out with someone. But that's never worked. None of them ever loved me. I think some of them needed me - to validate themselves/to solve their issues/to be the answer to their problems/to provide the happiness they couldn't find in themselves... But it was all really dysfunctional!

But I do think that I would find it really difficult to be just one important part of someone's life because I wouldn't believe they wouldn't just forget about me when I wasn't there, or that I would be good enough for them.

But I also know that is wrong. But I'm back at knowing something intellectually but not knowing it emotionally. And that's hard. I've got the intellectual stuff sorted now, pretty much, it's the emotional stuff I still struggle with at times.

I don't really know why I'm talking in the future conditional there.

I do find it really difficult!

And it's only going to get more difficult when he moves and makes more friends/goes out more/has more fun...

Why do men have to play it cool .
I just asked if fancied doing something over long weekend got a non committal reply now don't know what to do I k ow it's his way and part of me ok with it as trying to play miss cool but it would have been nice.
I think he cares why else spend hours Sat w with me when I wasn't well I know my ex wouldn't of.
Or am just waiting for the sorry no tar text now he know I'm older than he thought

My coffee date yesterday didn't happen. He wasn't well so he tells me, and I gave up. I've been a bit busy so haven't been chatting with anyone either. Hopefully, I will have more time now to get back into the swing of things.

Sorry this post is all about me, I will read all your updates and comment later.

Gosh, isn't this weather glorious? Dates walking on the beach sound heavenly to me.