Dating thread 75

[DeliberatelyDreaming]

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

Got 3 dates lined up too but I just can't stop thinking about my ex n how I messed up

Maisie- thanks for the reply. The problem is I want to go away as I feel 2 days and nights with him may help me see the real us. At the moment we only see each other 1 evening a week so it's hard to know.
I don't know what dating in your late 30s should be like, esp after a failed marriage. My only other experience of dating was when I was 17 and just having fun and I'm now a lot older. I worry that if I'm having doubts then seeing how it goes maybe unfair on him and I worry he would think I was leading him on or he may develop stronger feelings for me and I end up hurting him. But then on the other hand maybe after a month it's still new and I really do need to give it more time to see how I feel when I know him better. Hmmmm I'm so confused. Is carrying on for a bit longer and getting to know him better the wrong thing to do?

Izzy- I missed how long you were seeing him for but actually I think the fake profile has been a blessing. The good points are that he was telling you the truth and has continued to be honest with you and fake person. It may be that you coming over jealous etc has frightened him off and that's why he went back on pof. I would now be open with him and explain you didn't mean to frighten him off and feel you both need to have a chat and then just leave him think about it. As hard as it is I wouldn't keep messaging him when he's away because then you'll come across as even more desperate and frighten him way off. At least now you know why he's cooled off and how he feels about you.

Donut-welcome. You need to meet ASAP. Any longer and you could end up not liking him in rl and have wasted your time. If when you go and you don't like him then just be honest and after the date message him to say you just didn't click but you wish him well etc. if he's been old before then he will know there's a risk either of you may not like the other.

Thanks Canihaveonemoreslice I think you're right about the jealous bit scaring him off. Sent me a long message to explain how he felt and it said he had a lot of feelings that had developed very quickly and that he felt like we were in very deep already. He said that wasn't my fault, it was chemistry taking over. He said his main concern was me being a Mum and he feels like he'd be letting down two people if it went wrong. He also said he is selfish and is not sure he can come with the child element. I said I understood and thanks for being honest. He did still say we could go out again and see what happened but he had to be honest that this long term issue was a dealbreaker. I passed on the date offer. He carried on sending lots of messages all night. He also sent fake profile lady a message saying it had not worked out with me but that he was feeling sad and needed time alone before going out with new people. All a bit shit but I guess he was just being honest and he did feel what I did. Just not to be. I guess he was scared of the responsibility. Hence maybe why he is single with no kids.

Sorry it didn't work out izzy , I'd say move on but I'm struggling with tjat concept.

I can't remember who said I'd made a friend or words that effect and your right I've had issues with food for 25 years he got me to go for help and been supportive x

Donought I would try and meet him within the next week if you can. That way, if you meet him and you don't fancy him, or vice versa, you haven't invested too much time in it and, hopefully, won't feel too disappointed. Otherwise, it's easy to build someone up into something their not... Because the bottom line is that if you meet up and there's just nothing there, there isn't anything you can do about it.

Cani I think you have to be a little bit selfish, to be honest. Everyone needs to guard their own feelings. And it's only 'decent' that you'd not deliberately do something to hurt someone else. Perhaps it has been down to how I feel about myself, but if I had the sort of wonderings you're talking about after a month, I'd stick with it a bit longer because the other side of the coin is that you might end something too soon and miss the moment where it all suddenly clicks with him.

On the other hand, if you're looking at him and thinking "it's never going to happen" then it's a waste of your own time to continue. I know that sounds terribly harsh and a little selfish, but I think that is what dating in your 30s is like. And we have to be a bit more pragmatic about it.

Maisie Thanks. I still feel the same about me, I think, but it's not quite as all consuming as it was at the weekend. I've decided to get on with losing that half stone I've been promising myself I will for a while and pump up the tires on my bike/restart 30 day shred in the mornings before work. Improving myself is going to be a lot more productive than just feeling like a failure!

Izzy That's such a sad outcome. Reading it, I think what makes it so sad is that fact that it seems he did have quite deep feelings for you, and he has been honest with both you and Fake Profile Lady. To be honest, I have 2 children and I'd rather someone bailed early if what I wanted and what they wanted were different. But that wouldn't make it feel any better, I know.

Pink I don't think there's anything wrong with still being online after only a week! Don't let him pressure you into coming off...

I think we can all be a bit guilty of over analysing these things. There's no hard and fast rules over how someone perceives us or how we should behave towards them. Everybody's different. We should just let things happen at their own pace really without forcing the issue. If things aren't unfolding the way we expected or wanted, you either raise your concerns or walk away.

Very true Neiljames. I think the downfall of my relationship was living in my head and not just relaxing n going with the flow.

Hard lesson learned

Doughnut - I'd give it one or two dates before you decide you don't fancy him.

I had this with my most recent date we went on 4 dates total, the first 2 were ok but lunch dates. The 3rd was an evening date - but as it transpired he was a bit tipsy and we drunkenly snogged. But there was no real chemistry there, for me at least. we did have a lunch date the next day but it was a bit awkward he was trying to pull me onto his lap, kiss me etc and it was daytime but also, I think if you fancy someone you don't care tart that I am!

So I'd give it at least 2 dates before you decide. If the first date is really dire and you DEFINITELY don't fancy him then just chalk it down to experience and don't see again!

I just saw some one in rl who was lovely x
Not a good idea I know that but lovely doubt I'll ever see him agin but he waved as we left silly how a little thing can give you a boost xx

Really feeling like I am falling for him. Trying to be sensible but it is so difficult! I don't know why I have to analyse everything. I don't want to push him away but still worry that his ex wife will cause problems. Dating someone with an ex wife and kids is complicated and really not what I am used to.

Giggly yes it's very complicated. My ex had 4 kids n very much full on ex and he talked of her all the time!

His ex isn't full on but she has done things like making sure he is late meeting me if he drops the kids off first and phoning and texting when she knows I am there. He doesn't talk about her much and generally just talks about the kids but he is very involved with them.

I think my main worry is that it is early days and I don't really know what my "role" is or how to act around his ex. I guess I met the kids and his ex pretty early really.

I met the kids early too, miss them nearly as much as him

Can I ask a question? I need a reality check.. especially as I am so rubbish at dating. I had a date last Saturday, met him on POF, first date. Went really well, talked for 4.5 hours at a bar and a pub. Lovely kiss and both said like to see each other again. Date two lined up for tomorrow, nibbles and a walk along the beach.

However! He's online at the dating site we met on, is that ok? I know it's hardly exclusive yet or anything but I don't feel great about it. Keeping his options open? I think I'm better off alone, I don't think I am up to this!

This is the difference between OLD & how we remember it back in the day...Yes it's unsettling to see they are online when not talking to you but you get used to it...best not to notice if possible - but if you see him you must be online too?!

Personally, I wouldn't but as I said earlier, everybody's different. I think it must be something you have to expect with OD.
I've never understood the 'sweetshop' mentality though.

I don't love it, but it's the expected thing I guess. I have to admit I was looking as his profile again to double check. It's a little early to tell, keeping my options open seems a good plan. You really need to be tough for this!

Thank you, I appreciate the replies.

Queen, I have just been through the same thing today and it was pretty horrid. I've had two dates with third planned, he reactivated his profile this morning after two months offline, looked at mine and sent a hello message! I thought, oh great, lining up the next one are you?? But I guess you just have to think 'if we are meant to be then he won't find anyone better'.

It's not great is it! It's very confusing. I guess the point is don't invest too early!

Why would he deactivate and say hello?! I am not sure how men view dating?

Evening all

Just checking back in.... How is everyone

Is all v good in my world... for those who remember, get yrself some oven pride and get that grill pan sparkling... worked like a charm for me!!!

giggly get yrself over to the step parenting thread for some ideas about being the wicked step mother. I have been there, done it, got the t-shirt and dumped him!!!
Is a hard road to walk. You will need 100% backing of your partner! But can be v rewarding. Good luck

You will get a bit used to it :) even while not much liking it! if a conversation became promising with lots of messages to & fro I would suggest moving to email so you don't have to login all the time (&resist checking what yr contacts are doing! And agree with nice - if it's meant to be you will get past all this stuff

whitedoorbell I have a thread over there but wander around here too as I am equally new at dating! Early days (almost 4 months) but I tend to think and analyse a lot. Too much probably!

Evening all, not been here for a while, got wrapped up with X stupidly thought we might give things another try. I have been lurking, would love to hear some positives. Must get myself out there but very guarded this time. Maybe me but seems men seem to be interested in one thing only (includingx) feeling pretty low tonight.