Dating thread 75

[DeliberatelyDreaming]

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

I'm on the waiting list for evenings with the counsellors I was with. But I think it's quite a long waiting list...

Compliments: lots of people say I'm "really lovely" (I will accept that, I do try to be a kind, thoughtful and loyal person); I do get told I'm "pretty" but I'm not by any definition I'd recognise; my friend told me the other day that she thinks I have a nice figure.

Izzyk I think you speak a lot of sense and I'm liking reading your posts,not in a stalky way,I just can't sum up what I'd like to say but it's what you write iykwim.
My dates with the fireman seem to going fine for now but I'm not rushing into anything,slowly does it,hope everyone is doing ok:-)

Hi dating thread, I thought I would pop back as I have had my first date from online for ages.

So we got on well and he seems like a nice person, he has been travelling and has a lot to talk about. The thing is he is short and not the type of guy I would normally go for. I like muscly guys.

Also I have this guy that I was seeing for years on and off and as I desperately wanted some action I have stared sleeping with him again

I think it is making me feel abit rubbish that I am sleeping with him because I actually want a relationship, but I thought it would be better for me to sleep with him rather than my date on our first date. And now I have met him I'm not sure if I will fancy jom or not.

Evening!

So Beardy is back - he apologised the planned trip took longer than anticipated and chat back to the normal level (quite serious, but a little bit flirty and fun too). No mention of potential meet up, but comments about liking to go out....

I'm starting to wonder if he is either very shy / nervous or just incredibly man like and needs it spelling out in words of one syllable (apologies neil / goodguy / bant). Though I had been pretty direct already, so going to resist saying anything and see whether he does finally ask me!!

Izzy I've just reread one of your earlier posts.

I think the sad thing is that I also feel more attractive now than I ever have done. My hair cut and colour suits me; I wear clothes that I think suit me and I go get complimented on my 'look'; I'm generally happier, so I'm usually smiling; I care about people and am loyal and considerate; I have number of hobbies and interests that I do with lots of other friends; I tend to be someone who says, "Go on, I'll give it a go" rather than someone who says, "ooh no, I couldn't do that"...

But I still don't think I'm 'good enough'/attractive enough to be in a relationship because I'm not slim enough or pretty enough. It really pisses me off.

That's great news Bigbird. To be honest, though, I'd just ask him if he wants to meet up.

I couldn't be bothered with all the will he/won't he ask me stuff, so if I wanted to meet up with someone I just suggested it.

I usually just said that I was really enjoying chatting with them but that it was pointless if we met and found we didn't click in RL. At which point they usually agreed and I said, "great. How about we meet up on..."

I didn't have anyone who resisted meeting completely if we'd been chatting a lot. And I didn't have anyone who cancelled or anything like that. But at that point if they'd seemed hesitant or reluctant to meet, I would probably have phased them out. In fact, it might well have happened and I just can't remember!

So I'd just suggest it, if you want to meet.

Delurking to reply to you Folk.

I am very interested in your "I'm not pretty/thin/special enough to be loved" mindset. Which I know you will rationally be able to agree is ridiculous and is a construct drummed into you by your frankly appalling mother.

Time for a thought experiment - if I herded 100 random people of all shapes, sizes, appearances into a large room, and paraded them in front of you one by one, would you categorise them as being either loveable or unloveable, according to their looks? If so, could you look them in the eye and say that even ONE of them did not deserve the most basic human kindness, that of love? To experience that in their lifetime?

I don't think you would. So can you rationalise once more then, and ask yourself why you are any different? That if any other person herded YOU into a room to be judged randomly, that they would think you were somehow so different, so much worse than everybody else?

I felt compelled to post here because deep down inside me, I feel a twang of recognition in myself when I read your sad thoughts about yourself. Please know that I do not need to know even remotely what you look like in order to tell you that you deserve to be loved, and are worthy of love. Big hug to you.

Fab post voice.

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been on much lately but I have dipped in every now and again to check the messages.

I'm looking for some advice, apologies that I'm probably not going to make much sense, I can't make sense of it in my head and going round in circles.

Background is : I tried old for the first time in April. The only person (mr nice) who interested me I went on a date with and whilst there were no sparks, there was an attraction and flirting etc and we got along and have been going for dates since. We've probably only met 10 times since April because of both having children.
Although I like him and enjoy spending time with him, I don't think there's enough chemistry to have any ltr from it. If I go through the things I'm looking for in a person to want a ltr with them he doesn't have some of those things.

Then there's the spark. I like him, he's caring, considerate and seems to be into me but I just don't feel like I thought I would if I met the one. With past boyfriends from my teenage years they were all ok but if I was approached by someone who I thought was better then I moved on to the next one, then along came stbxh and I just knew he was it, there would never be anyone bettered so fell head over heels.
How I feel now is how I felt with those past boyfriends, ie there's something missing.
Now this is where I contradict these feelings. I'm different to how I was when I dated 20 yrs ago. Maybe as I'm older, more sensible ex that I'll never think ' he's the one ' again.
As this is my first relationship after a 20 yr marriage, maybe this is just me finding my feet and I should stop analysing how I feel and just go with it.
I've thought about telling mr nice that we aren't quite right for each other and to end it and when I think about doing that, I then think no I would miss him and so don't want to do it. But then do I think that because he's filled a gap or do I think it because I genuinely do have feelings for him?
When I'm with him it's fine, if a bit normal ie no sparks flying. It's when I'm apart from him I start wondering if this is all normal.

He's asked me to go away for a weekend with him and I've said yes. But part of me feels bad because if I'm having slight doubts about us, am I leading him on, or am I right to see how I feel once we spend more time together?
I think I'm just having a really down day today and it's making me try and self analyse and try and make sense of my feelings. I wasn't expecting to be having these thoughts. I thought It would be black and white ie I like someone or didn't.

Not sure how any of you can help really but just want some thoughts or experiences.

Forum donkey your post resonated with me, I too just had my heartbroken after seeing my guy almost 3 months. Wasn't just him, I messed up got very insecure but I miss him so much.

I've exchanged numbers with a guy after rejoining pof after finding out my ex has already met someone but I'm just not over enthusiastic about anyone else at mo.

Wow izzy your posts are really inspiring. If I'd have acted more confident I think I'd have kept my man but hey at least you learn from experiences

Folk, your messages are so sad :( I wish there was a way for you to see how others see you. Because I can guess no one is thinking any of the things you think they are. Everyone has flaws even if you think their perfect. The right person doesn't see those flaws or sometimes it's those flaws which they actually love about you.

If someone is on a date with you, and if they ask to see you again. They are doing so because they want to. You have to stop pushing them away! You have the same chance as all of us in finding someone you like. You need to remember all those compliments and if a negative thought enters your head, say those compliments to yourself.

voice I know you're right, of course I do. And no, I wouldn't be able to categorise anyone as loveable or unloveable based on looks alone. Of coure I wouldn't

I just can't really explain it.

I think that when I look at myself and all I can see are the flaws and the imperfections. I don't have an issue with my hair greying. I dye it, but it doesn't 'bother' me. I do have a few stretch marks on my thighs, but they are faded and silvery and very old, but they don't bother me either. Never really have done. I have a C-section scar and that doesn't bother me either.

But I look at my thighs and my bum and my tummy and they don't look like they 'should'. I just can't imagine how anyone would/could look at me and fancy me or find me physically attractive on any level. All I can feel is a complete sense of revulsion.

And my face isn't pretty enough. I don't think I'm 'ugly' anymore but I certainly don't ever think I'm pretty enough to deserve someone.

I think if I'd been loved by my parents, then I would at least know it was possible and I'd be more likely to think I'd just not met the right person yet, or whatever. But I think that because they didn't love me, what I'm looking for is proof that it is possible. I've probably made poor choices in men, because I thought so little of myself, and they just confirmed what I felt I already knew.

I'm now 39 and I seperated from my husband 19 months ago. I just feel like there are so many years of not being loved behind me, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it anyway now.

And it's not even about being loved. It's even just as fundamental as not being attractive enough for someone to be genuinely attracted to me to want to have a relationship in the first place. All this talk of love is really rather academic.

I'm going to bed, I think, for an early night. I've exhausted myself with all the overthinking

Folk I'm going to PM you. XX

Pinklaydee1302 - Try meeting people just as friends without any expectations. Something could just click and regain your enthusiasm.

Canihaveonemoreslice - The sparks should be flying after 10 dates. Especially with the large gaps between dates to build up your anticipation and excitement. Are you putting mental barriers up though to virtually talk yourself out of it though?

FolkGirl - Other people seem to be finding you attractive. You should lap it up, not analyse it!!!

Bigbird01 - One syllable??? How dare you!!
Maybe he needs just one more metaphorical kick up the jacksie. Might be worth saying, "well, I've give you enough time to ask me out, so I'll leave it". He might get brave and ask then.

Folk, your looking at yourself through your mothers eyes :(

voice ok

cani Who and where is this right person, then I think if someone like that did come along, I'd probably reject them on the grounds that they must have ishoos of their own.

Neil-I don't know, maybe because he's so different to my stbxh I just can't get over that difference and holding back. I am quite reserved too so find it hard to express my feelings.
I find myself looking forward to meeting him and even tonight thought ' I wonder when I'm seeing him this week' so clearly one part of my head wants to keep seeing him. I just know he's not who I want to be with long term and worry I'm wasting his time. That said neither of us have said how we feel so maybe he's having these feelings too.

Cor...my posts are inspiring. Good to hear because I might need to find a new man. Think I totally blew it with this one through getting jealous!

Folk, darling. Have PM'd you.

Rummi Mr Pensioner sounds like a proper TOOL!
I wonder why he's single

Oh my god izzy that's how I killed it, insecure and jealous

Erm.........might not be a good idea to follow my advice *Bigbird01".
My blunt and no nonsense approach seems to be doing more harm than good.

Pinklaydee1302 when me and exBF were together it was amazing - we both agree on that. It was when we were apart throughout the week it was hard and demoralizing for me with little or no communication until we saw each other at the weekend. I'm not in a position for a full time relationship so just seeing each other one more night could and would have been perfect for both of us but sadly I was not worth the effort.

so onwards and upwards - my date today was lovely. Attractive, tall man, with a good professional job and settled. I'm still getting over my broken heart but determined to move on and enjoy the company and attention .

Big bird if I was you I would not chat to your guy much longer as you have made to clear to him to him that you would like to meet and he's being hesitant I would stop chatting for a while and see if he ups his game
You deserve better than being messed around move on to someone else if nothing changes with him
Folk still think your being too hard on yourself you sound lke a lovely caring genuine person I would chat you up if I saw you at a bar,hehe

Don't look at what you see as negatives in your life and just look at the positives
If you create the right aura men will be drawn to you

No neil you give good advice. Although it didn't get me answer I wanted it was better to know than not. :)