Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 75

999 replies

DeliberatelyDreaming · 15/05/2014 13:54

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

OP posts:
Izzy821 · 31/05/2014 14:06

Thanks neiljames77. I did talk to him about it before and he didn't lie, but even so if he wants to message other girls then he's clearly not that interested in me. I'm not the type to be sharing a bed with someone chatting up other people, so I've decided to give him the flick. Win some lose some but I've been down this road before! Back to the drawing board.....

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 15:09

It's a bit strange here at the moment.

I've been away for a few days in a place with no mobile reception. I've got back to a couple of texts and an email from my boyfriend. He's asked me if I've met someone else because I seem a bit 'distant' from him.

I'm not, but I'm very busy over the next couple of weeks and so won't really be able to see him. Unfortunately, after that, he's going home for a few weeks. It's going to be the middle of July before we can see each other again. And I'm conscious of the impact of the changes in our lives on the relationship... So whilst I'm not distancing myself deliberately, perhaps I am subconciously 'protecting' myself. I don't know. I don't think I am.

I've texted him to tell him I've emailed him saying as much and he's replied to say he's en route to a party and can't check his email.

So I've summarised the key points for him - haven't met anyone else; just really busy; miss him.

But heard nothing back.

I don't know. Just have a funny feeling about it, that's all. Just a real 'instinct'. I've been thinking and I'm not emotionally strong enough for a very LDR; especially one where we're not going to see each other for weeks at a time. In fact, getting asked out by someone else last weekend has thrown a few things up for me to think about and I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not really ready for any sort of relationship at all.

Beginning to wonder now if maybe he's met someone else. It was a possiblity once he moved house after all... And now I'm worrying about him being at this party thinking I've met someone else...

I don't know. Just feeling very fragile again...

Rummikub · 31/05/2014 15:13

Can you call him?

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 15:16

Just to clarify - not considering the person who asked me last weekend, but even just the thought of a relationship with someone who lives that close to me makes me a bit panicky. And the thought of the expectations of a relationship. And how my boyfriend is perfect for me because I can only see him occasionally...

I don't know if it's good that that suits me like that or whether it means that I'm not really ready for anything 'real'.

I suppose that unless he replies and tells me he's met someone and he's takng her to this party, we each have a few weeks to think about this and whether it's something we can realistically manage.

I suppose if he has met someone else, though, it also means that he didn't love me either. Despite saying that he does/did and despite behaving as though he does/did.

Just feel very odd about it all. Really, really odd.

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 15:17

Not really, Rummi. My children are around and he's on his way somewhere.

Does seem a bit early to be going to a party too...

Goodguy11 · 31/05/2014 15:19

Steelchic
You are right maybe I should join a walkers club to see if there are any women who are around my age who are single thanks for the advice it will give me something to think about!
How did u meet your guy through online dating

Goodguy11 · 31/05/2014 15:20

Wish u luck folk girl long distance relationships are a challenge

Goodguy11 · 31/05/2014 15:23

Well don izzy you deserve someone who will not mess u about

Rummikub · 31/05/2014 15:25

I get that about how someone nearby interested in you seems so much more serious. I've avoided anyone from my area. It possibly does mean you prefer the slight distance for whatever reason. For me, I know it's because I don't want to be in anything serious now.

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 15:28

Thanks, Goodguy.

I just can't think of any reason why you'd travel to a party at this time in the afternoon unless you were planning on spending some time with someone beforehand. Especially, if you haven't heard from your girlfriend for a few days and being a little concerned that she's met someone else...

I know that he knows/works with some very young and beautiful women. I suppose it was only a matter of time, really.

And knowing this is what makes me unsuitable for a relationship. I just feel really guilty if someone is attracted to me. I feel like I've 'hoodwinked' them in some way and that they deserve better.

Got to go out for a bit now. Just feeling a little heavy hearted. Sad

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 15:35

Rummi I don't know if I want to be in something serious or not. I don't really feel like I deserve it.

I was talking to my friend the other day and the only way I could explain it was that, I want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, but that I don't really feel like I deserve one because I only have me to offer and I'm really not that great. I want someone to be faithful to me, but I feel like I would completely understand it (although I would be angry and hurt) if they weren't because it doesn't feel like a fair expectation.

So really, saying I'm not suitable for a relationship because of the way I feel is really a bit of a red herring. I'm not really suitable for a relationship because I don't think I'd really want the sort of person who didn't think they could do any better than me. Sad

Sort of that not wanting to join any club that would have me as a member. That sort of thing.

Goodguy11 · 31/05/2014 15:37

Don't feel guilty if someone fancies you folk be proud that you are Still
attractive to men
We all don't realise that other people see us differently to what we see of ourselves
You come across as a nice lady who has been treated badly by certain men
Don't let your past spoil your future!

Rummikub · 31/05/2014 16:19

folk I get it. I'm the same. It's like that Groucho Marx quote
'i Don’t Want to Belong to Any Club That Will Accept Me as a Member" and I feel like that about anyone who wants to be with me! Looks like we both need an attitude change!

Wishyouwould · 31/05/2014 16:31

Hi. Can I join you ladies?

Jointed match about 6 weeks ago but none of my daily 6 or anyone I searched caught me eye until today!! He looks attractive and love his profile write-up. Have sent a him short message - the only thing that puts me off is he is 47 and he is looking for a women between 35-51 and I'm 46 so right at the top-end of his age preference although I keep myself in good nick. I've been separated for 18 months, been on a few dates and had a couple of ONS but starting to feel like there's no-one out there for me - early days I guess!

Anyway going to read the full thread to see how things are going for all you lovely ladies.................

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 17:03

Hi wish

You're not at the top end of his age range! You're a year younger than he is, and you're 5 years younger than his maximum, and only 11 years older than his minimum...

I'd say you were the perfect age for him...

Have you heard anything back from him yet...

SuperFlyHigh · 31/05/2014 17:10

I'm going to post here again. Well had 2 dates last weekend with Mexican Boxing Banker. We had a kiss and the next day also a kiss were supposed to go out tonight but he's texted saying we can only be friends.

He was saying I was holding back, shy and I was but I hardly know him.

Now this? I suppose its good I get this out of the way this early and move on. Sad

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 17:13

Goodguy I know what you mean about us possibly seeing ourselves differently to how other people see us, but I can only see myself how I see me and I know that when I've told people I've got a boyfriend, I've been somewhat bashful about admitting it because I think that people will look at me and think, "WTF? Really? "

Rummi It's a horrible way to think about ourselves, but it is what I think. It does worry me that one day I'll be 80 and I'll be too old/unwell/dead to be found attractive/loved by anyone new, and I know that this is my last year of being the right side of 40... And I know that other people find someone over 40, but if I don't think I'm worth 'catching' now, I certainly won't then! So if I'm ever going to have a proper relationship, I need to stop thinking like this because at some point it will be too late.

But I still can't get away from thinking it, and I don't know how to change it. Or even if I should, because what if I'm right about how I see myself...

After all, other than last weekend, I don't think I've been asked out by anyone for nearly 20 years!

FolkGirl · 31/05/2014 17:18

Super Do you think that maybe he was looking for more than a kiss and he wasn't interested in putting in any effort otherwise...

But yes, you're right, you're better off finding out early on.

Shit though, isn't it? Sad

SuperFlyHigh · 31/05/2014 17:34

Folk no I don't think he was looking for more than a kiss actually!

He's updated saying he's had dramas (maybe to do with his ex?).

It was totally out of the blue. All I've done this week is be chatty not flirty as I didn't want sexting.

Ps sorry you're having your dilemma. It sucks doesn't it? Not sure what I'd advise but it's great you were asked out again! Smile

SuperFlyHigh · 31/05/2014 17:36

Oh and Folk was speaking to my SIL yesterday and she said "yes when you get to 30 (her age) and my age it's harder finding someone nice!"

Well thanks! But yes it is harder. I suppose desperation is never good either though.

louby44 · 31/05/2014 19:35

Hiya Guys

I'm back after a few weeks away! My ex made a re-appearance, messed with my head for a few days and then buggered off. Need to remember why he's an ex!!

So back on POF and chatting to a guy who restores antiques! It's still the same and so rubbish and after the snakeskin trouser guy I was ready to crawl under a rock and give up! It was a hot topic of conversation in our staff room for days lol

Lots of new people here! Hello, I'm Lou, 45 and live in North Staffs!

Minime85 · 31/05/2014 20:14

Lousy nice to see you back :)

Folk I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I think these few weeks apart will perhaps confirm things one way or the other for you both. I hope it turns out how you want it to.

Feeling deflated still today and wondering if to re register with match or try tinder? Any advice anyone?

Minime85 · 31/05/2014 20:18

Louby even! Predictive text argh!

Goodguy11 · 31/05/2014 20:37

Hi Lou everyone welcome to join our motley crew

FolkGirl · 01/06/2014 08:05

Hmm... Slight overnight development, and not a good one.

Given communication was received at 3.30am after a party, I'm guessing alcohol was involved, but I'm not really sure that's much of an explanation/excuse.

I don't want to repost his email because it's private, but the subtext suggests that he feels a little insecure/doesn't really (know if he can) trust me. It wasn't nasty or unpleasant or self indulgent at all, and was very brief. To summarise, he said that he cares about me, but isn't sure how I really feel about him. Oh and he's realised that he's done the love thing and doesn't want to do it again (I already knew he was hurt very badly in the past - but, to be fair, no more than most of us on here have been).

I do feel that if that's how he really feels/felt, then he probably shouldn't have said that he did love me. There was no benefit to him to saying it - I didn't expect it and I didn't really want to hear it. I think that, because he knew that I'd never been loved by anyone, he was just trying to be nice. I don't know.

So, I'm back to never having been loved...

I've replied to him and responded to a couple of things he said, but not in an 'justifying myself' sort of way, and said that I do want to do 'the love thing' and so it looks as though we just want different things Sad

To be honest, I'm not sure it is going to happen for me, now. A few weeks ago, I felt that if I discovered that he hadn't been honest about his feelings, then I'd be devastated. I don't feel devastated though. I am feeling sad and a little fragile, but not heartbroken.

I'm not sure whether that's because there's a bit of me that thinks I'll get another email later that makes it 'all right' again; or whether it's because I'm just so resigned to the fact that not being loved is just The Way Things Are that I'm not able to be hurt by it anymore; or whether it's because I'm just stronger now and so it has less power to upset me. To be honest though, even if he does send me a "argh, I didn't mean it to come across quite like that..." email later, I'm not really sure I can do it anymore, anyway.

But it's given me a great deal of food for thought in the last two hours (woke up very early!!) and I think I really do just need to resign myself to the fact it isn't going to happen for me and I think that's the hard part.

I shall refer back to the man who asked me out (only because it's my only other reference point). I know his ex girlfriend. She's a really lovely 'girl next door type' - very pretty (not beautiful, but very pretty); tall; slim; really 'cute'; lovely person... I couldn't compete with someone like that and everyone is going to have someone like that in their past. I just know that in any relationship I'll feel inferior to someone else, because I will be.

My mother once told me that I was the sort of 'girl' that men settled for when they realised they couldn't get the one they really wanted. Sadly, it would seem that she was right.

I know it probably sounds like I'm a bit 'desperate' and so come across like that. Actually, I'd think the opposite was more likely to be the case. I have quite high expectations of how someone should behave towards me, but very low expectations in terms of how I think they should 'feel' about me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread