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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating thread 75

999 replies

DeliberatelyDreaming · 15/05/2014 13:54

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

OP posts:

Bigbird01 · 30/05/2014 19:44

Beardy has been in touch - no comment about Sunday - just general 'how's your day been' etc
Have decided I'll keep chatting (I do quite like the banter), but not going to mention meeting up again. Let him come to me if that is hat he wants...

neiljames77 · 30/05/2014 19:51

Bigbird01 - It's ridiculous isn't it? How difficult can it be for him to say;

Beardy: There's a bar in town with live music on tonight, want to come?
Bigbird01: Yes, that sounds good.
Beardy: I'll pick you up in a taxi at 7. (or wait outside the place at 7 so you don't have to walk in there on your own)
Bigbird01: Ok.

Maybe I'm just too blunt.

Maisie0 · 30/05/2014 19:57

Bigbird Yup.You bounced the ball into his court already. He has to do something as well too. I mean, at least until he gives this thing a bit of a priority, and then later on, yes it doesn't have to be this way, but early on, I think it is necessary too. To show sincerity. If anything really.

Maisie0 · 30/05/2014 19:59

neil Normally, I do this with GF, never mind dating.

Me: Do you want to go out Saturday night?
Friend: No, I can't do Saturday. I have already arranged to go and see my mother. How about Sunday day time ?
Me: Ok. Sunday it is then.

If the idea to meet up is in his mind, then he would know and would expect it as well. It shows whether you are on someone's mind or not.

Bigbird01 · 30/05/2014 20:17

neil that sounds like the perfect response I would have liked (and yes - I would happily buy him a drink too!). What is it such a game??

Bigbird01 · 30/05/2014 20:18

*Why?

neiljames77 · 30/05/2014 20:33

I'll cut him some slack. He might be really shy or doesn't want to come across as selfish. As far as I'm concerned, if I suggested going out where I live, I'd choose the venue. (I'd know the area better)
If it was near where the woman lives, I'd let her choose (same reason) plus she might be more comfortable in familiar surroundings.

melanie58 · 30/05/2014 22:41

No, no slack! He's being evasive. I bet you a fiver he's already in a relationship. If he were free, and keen, he would have made arrangements to meet. I'm sorry, but this has the hallmark of a man who can spend time emailing but can't actually go out without his wife wanting to know where he's going.

And I speak from bitter experience...

Bigbird01 · 30/05/2014 23:21

Oh no mel I really hope he's not like that!!
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he did have plans to do his own thing this weekend before I came along. He's not contradicted that?

Izzy821 · 30/05/2014 23:40

Hello all. I didn't want to start a new thread as this one seems to deal with the sort of question I want to ask, but I am just a bit uncomfortable with the fact than the guy I am seeing hasn't taken down his OD profile yet and worse that he checks it everyday.

What's the situation with this sort of thing? He's admittedly been open when I asked him if it was still up (I had a friend check because I'd taken mine down) but he said he didn't know how to delete it and it had been there for years.

I don't think he's a serial womaniser or anything, but he makes a lot of jokes about the attention he gets. Like texting me to say he was really chuffed and getting 7 messages that day.

He has said we are exclusive, he has introduced me to his parents, perfect gentleman, really attentive and he's been very "public" with the fact we're dating. Apart from this I really, really like him and see a lot of potential - but this is really upsetting me now.

I have been fine with it up to now for the specific reason that he's not seemed to lie (and he did say he'd take it down with me if I showed him how) but today my mate said he was online for 45 minutes?

Surely that's not just "scanning messages"? He must actually be writing to other women?

Am I being taken for a mug? What to do?

Rummikub · 31/05/2014 01:10

Ask him to take it down. Show him how to do it. It's an excuse.

melanie58 · 31/05/2014 05:53

I hope I'm wrong too, Bigbird! Just rather cynical having recently met someone (in real life) who seemed really suitable, emailed keenly and quickly turned out to be married. Your situation might be entirely different. But you have indicated that you'd be happy to meet so I would certainly leave the ball in his court. I hope he makes a plan.

Pinklaydee1302 · 31/05/2014 09:09

That's the trouble with OD izzy, your guy has a case of 'sweet shop syndrome'

Bant · 31/05/2014 11:04

Izzy - unless the bloke is a tall, wealthy male model, it's ridiculously unlikely that he's getting 7 unsolicited emails from women in a day. That just generally doesn't happen. Men normally do the majority of the winking and first e-mails.

Even if it was the case, him reminding you of it seems like it's either incredibly insensitive or designed to put you on the back foot and feel insecure, the way it's doing.

If you're exclusive, he shouldn't be chatting up random women in bars every night, and he shouldn't be reading emails from women. He's either suffering from sweet-trolley syndrome and looking for the next woman to come along.

Tell him you're not comfortable with him still having an OD profile if you're exclusive. If he won't get rid of it (and it's not that difficult to do, really) then bin him.

Izzy821 · 31/05/2014 11:15

Thanks all and especially Bant there. He is very good looking and photogenic so I'd not be surprised if he got a lot of unsolicited emails (I sent him one myself) but I also think with checking in 3 - 4 times a day he absolutely must be entering into email exchanges.

I don't think he is trying to make me jealous, but I do think he's being insensitive / childish and tbh it's not making me jealous - just put off really.

I know he'd take it down if I bring it up more seriously, but it just annoys me that he appears to actually enjoy this. Maybe I am naive and some people like attention. the feedback from my RL friends is that he's lovely and I am being silly. It just makes me uncomfortable. Very off putting!

Izzy821 · 31/05/2014 11:18

By the way...my previous partner and I split up because I discovered he had an online dating profile (we lived together) so I'm not very trusting.

neiljames77 · 31/05/2014 11:25

Izzy821 - How long have you been seeing him?

Izzy821 · 31/05/2014 11:41

A month neil...which I know isn't long, but we have gone exclusive and met families and friends etc. so I just sort of expected at that stage you quit messaging other people. Might be naive.

neiljames77 · 31/05/2014 12:00

Nah, not naive Izzy. Everybody's different but I wouldn't like it. I'd feel like I was being test driven while someone was umming and ahhing.

Izzy821 · 31/05/2014 12:08

Yeah, I feel like that :(

Effic · 31/05/2014 12:17

A little help please......long time lurker on here.
After umming and ahhing for a while ...... I've decided to try online dating. I'm 8 months out of a long term marriage and feel like I would like to meet someone else but I'm not looking for anything serious or long term. I'm not into casual hook ups either. So I posted a profile basically saying the above in a moe eloquent way and talked a bit about my interests which a sport and music related. I've very clearly stated my age ( relevant in a minute...) - 41. I would say 70% of the responses have been from men in there late 20 and early 30's. Is this normal? The rest have been from guys in their 50's +. Practically no one in my age bracket (40's) apart from one guy who I met for coffee and had the most dull hour of my life with:( I'm ready to give in but as all my friends are married - I've little opportunity to meet anyone in R L.

neiljames77 · 31/05/2014 12:42

Izzy821 - So now you're left with the dilemma of wanting reassurance but not wanting to appear possessive. You'll have to either keep quiet or take a gamble on his reaction.

Effic - I'm starting to think the 40's are a weird age. I seem to be attracting the 20's and 30's in rl and the 50's online.(they say they're 40's but I think otherwise)

Rummikub · 31/05/2014 13:10

Effic, I'm mid 40s and getting the same. Youngest today at 22 ffs! I think depending on where you are, there are 40 something's. and theyre interested in similar age women. I've then met them in real life!
I would suggest changing your profile, though I think you'll still get some of those messages.

neiljames77 · 31/05/2014 13:31

No Rummikub. What you met was someone BORN in the 40's!!!!

Rummikub · 31/05/2014 13:50

yes that he was! The other 2 weren't though. 48 and 49. I think I'm going to have to go younger. 39-44 maybe. Or they'll have to be a young 40s and I think they're hard to find. Some look like they've had a hard life! Down the pit.
Women tend to live longer than men anyway, so maybe younger is the way to go?!

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