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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 75

999 replies

DeliberatelyDreaming · 15/05/2014 13:54

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

OP posts:
steelchic · 29/05/2014 00:26

Just be yourself Goodguy, the right one will come along, do you have any platonic GF's that could maybe introduce you to some of their friends. Even widening your circle of female friends could help. What about face book I've heard of people getting together through that becoming friends of mutual friends,

Maisie0 · 29/05/2014 00:28

Hehe.... ah ha. It's interesting isn't it ? Smile
I didn't ask you to change yourself for anyone.

What I did was I ditched my gf. That's what I meant when I wrote that I soon changed that. But I am also kind of more self aware now, and focused. Which was probably not something I was aware of before.

So, I wondered whether you realised how you appear to others. If you know, then you would know how to position yourself I guess. To me, I see it as growing. Sometimes we can have blinders on, which is true. Even though we are still the same person.

Goodguy11 · 29/05/2014 00:29

No all my female friends have moved on steel
All my friends are married and live away
No I am always kind gentle and caring to women and always be myself

Goodguy11 · 29/05/2014 00:32

I think Maisie to others I may appear shy but gonna change that I thinkx

neiljames77 · 29/05/2014 00:32

You'll have to just bite the bullet then Goodguy and ask out the ones that are your type. The really confident, centre of attention women have no reservations about making a move on a man. Are these the kind of women you mean?

Goodguy11 · 29/05/2014 00:35

If i fancy a lady say at a bar I found it really hard to keep the conversation flowing and wonder if she's gets bored
Also her friends listening to every word which can be annoying

Maisie0 · 29/05/2014 00:36

Well, that is the thing, are you a procastinator ?

Because, there was this guy that I like, and he seems like the shy type too, and in his profile, he wrote that he would indeed be the more gentlemanly person and send a response. So, if a girl sents him a message, then wouldn't he also should be polite to reject or to respond too ?

That was previously something I used to struggle with. i.e. responding more to the person I like more. And how to turn down or avoid the ones that I don't. And.. yes, this opens a whole can of worm and confusion overall. But I've made up my own rules now. I got the "onion layer" of friendship, so that I do not confuse others as well. There used to be guys that like me, but because he see me be more friendly with another guy, then he walks away. That kind of thing. This sums up my 20s.

Goodguy11 · 29/05/2014 00:38

Neil I don't necessarily want the center of attention women the women I fancy are shy themselves so are not easy to talk to either

Goodguy11 · 29/05/2014 00:42

Maises some of the women I have chatted to you they give you the right signals then the next minute there chatting to another guy in front of you I'm not playing second fiddle to anybody

Maisie0 · 29/05/2014 00:45

Then how can two shy people ever get together ? Lol.
And why would a shy person go to a loud bar ? Isn't it too intrusive ?

Do you see how where you are, is not going to work ?
I met the salsa guy at salsa, and at first, when I did not have feelings for him, it was all hunky dory, but then when we did started to flirt and have feelings for one another. It is sooo painful to see him dance with somebody else. Then on top of this, on/off thing, and then he played me. That was just too much. I realised now that, most of the guys also try to seclude the girl too and ask her out directly and away from the salsa place.

Now, what have you done in order to prevent that kind of scenario, or to show the girl of your upmost interest amongst this kind of setting ? Because it is inevitable that being in a bar, someone else may also chat to them too ?

steelchic · 29/05/2014 00:46

Ok so I'm a bit older and a bit old fashioned I suppose so in RL I prefer the guy to make to 1st move and I always feel sorry for them. Don't get me wrong I will start a conversation with guys but not in a chat up sort of way. Goodguy sometimes it's better to have a friend in tow that can help the conversation going and maybe include any friend of the girl in things, nothing worse if you are out with a friend and a guy comes up to the bar and starts chatting one of you up its awkward for the other one. So maybe it's not that they don't like you they feel awkward cos of the friend

Rummikub · 29/05/2014 00:47

43 my arse!
I'm well pissed off.
Sorry ill catch up with thread now. Just needed to off load.

Maisie0 · 29/05/2014 00:49

rummi Brew

neiljames77 · 29/05/2014 00:59

I know what you mean Rummikub Grin
I looked at some and thought, "if she's 45, she must sleep with her head out of the window!"
(unless she was referring to her year of birth)

Rummikub · 29/05/2014 02:45

I was gutted! The staff in the restaurant must have wondered, they kept looking Blush
He said he was younger than me! I think I couldn't hide my surprise so asked if he was a smoker! (Yes, he used to smoke.)
I'm mid 40s, but (and I'm not just saying this, I get told) I look mid 30s. I have no idea where to pitch myself. Age isn't an issue, I don't think, but a young attitude is. He turned up with a newspaper. Ffs!
(I appreciate I'm ranting, but honestly! Right, deep breath)

neiljames77 · 29/05/2014 03:04

Grin. hahahaha!!

Rummikub · 29/05/2014 05:11

Well that rant must've worked as I promptly fell asleep!

neiljames77 · 29/05/2014 05:29

So other than him turning up as if he was going to spend the day at the bookies', how did the rest of the date go? Did he need to keep going for a piss or did he need his food cutting up? Could he hear you ok? Grin

Rummikub · 29/05/2014 07:03

He did keep needing to go for a piss! Is that an age thing??
As soon as I saw him I thought wtf. I was so tempted to turn around and walk away. Has anyone ever done that? Is it allowed?

He claimed he'd been at uni the same time I was. I resisted saying anything for an hour. Asked him outright how old really he was, nearly fell off my chair, ran to the toilet to text my friend 'he's 90 ffs'. I suggested he puts up some clearer pictures on his profile. I was v pleased the service was swift and efficient!

So 3 dates in 2 weeks, all not for me. Some funny tales to tell though Grin=

AnnaWombourne · 29/05/2014 09:22

Rummikub I only ever meet for a day time coffee the first time - easy to end the meeting with no offence caused 90, bloody hell!

Goodguy11 I haven't read the whole thread, so may have missed something. However it seems you're asking for guidance, but when its given your response is frequently along the lines of "I'm not going to change for anyone". Maybe you're perfect already, but few of us are. The sad fact is that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've always got, which seems to be not what you want.

Maybe join some groups - Spice, 40plus Ramblers - loads of lovely women there, but you need to think friendship/shared interests first and put the dating on the back burner.

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/05/2014 09:48

steelchic - it's funny what you say about platonic female friends as I have more platonic female friends than anyone I know. Not one of them has any single female friends to 'introduce' me to. I guess that's perhaps a problem when you are late 30s/early 40s.

In fact, I only know two single women in their 30s. One has been single 7 years (no, we don't fancy each other) and has tried every dating site and had a lot of first dates but only 2 second dates. She's attractive, interesting and funny. Just hasn't clicked with anyone. She too never meets single guys at any of her clubs, hobbies etc. The other has 3 kids and is a nightmare.

goodguy - as another man, I really don't know what the answer is. I have been single 4 years and had three dates in that time using online dating. It doesn't help my being in a semi-rural area, to be fair. I'm in loads of clubs, got lots of hobbies, out and about a lot (but not so much that there wouldn't be time for someone if I did finally meet someone). But almost everyone that joins in my sort of age bracket is either married or living with someone.

Rummikub · 29/05/2014 11:33

Meet up groups are good. There's lots of different ones or you can set your own up. I think shared interest is a good way to meet others, who knows where it could lead.
I'm not sure whether meeting someone in a bar is better than online? Guess you know whether you find someone attractive though.

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/05/2014 11:50

Rummikub Meet Up doesn't seem to exist in the UK outside of a few major cities, all far too far away. Shared interests are of course a good way to meet others, but if you have certain interests, most people have already found all the best/largest/friendliest groups that cover those interests. There's rarely any call to set up another.

Personally, I spend my whole working life organising things and am on a couple of committees and charities as part of my various interests. I'd really like NOT to set up anything else. The idea of just turning up to someone else's appeals!!!

I do think there is a tendency online to dismiss people too easily on the basis of a photo or two. Indeed, I have known cases of men messaging women online and get no reply or a "no thanks" to be chatted up in a bar by the very same women within a few days, or weeks, completely oblivious to the fact they've shunned them online.

Rummikub · 29/05/2014 12:04

Hmm, this whole meeting someone is tricky. I work in a mostly female workplace so unlikely to meet anyone there. Photos are difficult to judge by. I've usually not judged the photo if the chat is good. However, on meeting, there's no attraction. ' No something about them'.

I think I might have to start meeting sooner, anna yes to quick coffee. But then a second date is a big message isn't it?

ChickOnaMission · 29/05/2014 12:20

oh well, tonights plans with this guy I've been seeing have been scuppered anyway by sick kids... I was due to collect them tomorrow but I've got to go a day early now.

But also I texted to see how his workload was and if he was likely to come over and I got a 'sorry I've got too much work, can't come over' I've got no opportunity to meet up with him again until July now as I've got no childcare, and I do think he's just gone a bit cold on me, it's annoying we had such a nice time last time we met but his texts have been off ever since and he clearly doesn't seem too fussed if we see each other this week or not so I've given up. I'm certainly not going to wait until July to see what he's thinking...

I've realised I need to just get myself out there to try and meet new people. I've found the OD thing so demoralising, I hate having to advertise myself, and there are so many fuckwits out there it's a pain trawling through them to find the one who might be ok.

Also I'm really losing faith with OD, I've witnessed two blokes who work in my office having a really awful laugh at some poor womans expense on tinder, winding her up, messaging her and giggling between the two of them about it, pretending to be one person, awful horrible childish behaviour but it's really made me wonder how much of that goes on.:-(