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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 75

999 replies

DeliberatelyDreaming · 15/05/2014 13:54

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

OP posts:
Bigbird01 · 28/05/2014 18:39

Oh atora! So sorry Sad
I can understand why you feel that way - there does seem to be a lot of men out there who don't like the 'baggage' that families bring (although how many women over 30+ don't come with some form of baggage??). I have had several men tell me up front that they wouldn't be interested because of my children. I always thank them for their honesty, but it does hurt. At the end of the day, I'm not looking for someone to bring up my children either emotionally or financially, but I can understand why it would be scary for them.
It is always hard when a relationship ends before you are ready for it to, but try and continue to draw the positives from it. At the end of the day, he did go into a relationship with you knowing your situation. I suspect it is more to do with where he sees his life going than anything to do with your family. If he hasn't got it in his heart to share you with your DCs, that is a reflection of his maturity, not on you.

Try not to give up all hope.

Bigbird01 · 28/05/2014 18:46

Quick update on my stuff.

Step-mum continuing to defy all odds. Still in high-dependency, but sitting up and giving my dad instructions on stuff he needs to do at home. Can't believe she was having brain surgery less than 48 hours ago!

Beardy was lovely - chatting to me until the early hours - very supportive about how I was feeling. Still need to firm up that date! Grin

Just need to get my head around the divorce thing now...

Thank you all for your support last night. I really needed it Thanks

atoragetsyouwarmer · 28/05/2014 18:48

Thanks Bigbird . He has been offshore for a fortnight ,and messaging and phoning for chats ,we made plans for Glastonbury where my dd is playing. I wish he'd let me know while he was away. Instead,I've been looking forward to him coming back and meeting up tomorrow.
I disabled my profile last week.
I was going to ask him about his. But I noticed he had been online the day I checked in. I suspect he has met someone else. He added a new friend on FB last week ,who has been posting on his wall a lot.
That sounds so silly and childish.
I regret the time I have spent thinking about him this past fortnight.
We took our youngest dc out to the park just before he left. I thought that might mean things were moving on.
I don't think I am strong enough for dating. There's too much at stake when life is so busy.Nice times and attention are so lovely,but I can't help wishing for more than just distraction.

atoragetsyouwarmer · 28/05/2014 18:50

Sorry not to acknowledge anyone else right now .Best wishes for your step-mum Bigbird.

Minime85 · 28/05/2014 19:01

atora I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It sounds like it was at that crossroads point and it's such a shame it didn't go the way you wanted it to.

Sorry I don't have any helpful advice but hoping you feel better about it all soon. [Thanks]

Minime85 · 28/05/2014 19:02

That should have been flowers not the word thanks, sorry!

atoragetsyouwarmer · 28/05/2014 19:13

Thanks Mini x

steelchic · 28/05/2014 19:39

Astora
Sorry you're going through this. It's horrible to make plans for the future and then for everything to suddenly change. Maybe some time out till you feel stronger is a good idea. There will be someone out there for you, believe me you're not old.

Bigbird
So happy for you, you must feel drained with the ups and downs.

Chick
Great news, when are you seeing him, make the most of your DC's being away

Neil
I get what you're saying. I think we think we are strong enough to date and get in to relationships,but then the scars that have been left by previous relationships come out in the form of insecurity.

It took me 2.1/2 years to even consider dating after I split from my XH. I knew I wasn't strong enough and wouldn't have trusted anyone due to his cheating/lying and messing with my head ,so what was the point. The guy I'm seeing is lovely, but sometimes I feel so insecure and think he is only with me till someone better comes along. I know this is irrational he has given me no indication that he is interested in anyone else. If he is well that's to do with him not me I am a pretty good catch LOL I just need to remind my self of that.

Jesy
Please listen to us, you're worth more than you think. Please work on your self esteem

steelchic · 28/05/2014 19:42

Sorry that post was for Goodguy not Neil x

steelchic · 28/05/2014 19:56

Just another wee thought. Maybe we should all look at the positives we have in our lives. Nice friends, loving family, great kids, jobs. Yes it would be great to have a loving relationship also, but if look at what we have instead of what we don't have, I think we would all be so much happier.
I'm just trying to send out some positive jibes to anyone who needs them.
(Say's she who has checked her phone 100's of times today and thinking all I want is a text message from him) x

jesy · 28/05/2014 20:09

Only positive I have is my dog , the way she looks at me in the morning it's pure love.
Daft I know.

I got her a few years ago. I wasn't sleeping well after loosing my old girl to Addison , say an advert on line for a pup couldn't afford her but family lent me cash,
She was a rescue dog well yes and no pure bred dog gone to a family who said kids allergic to her so I had her and she been with me ever since.

Sorry I know it's a dating thing but she is pretty much my positive .

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 28/05/2014 20:14

atoragetsyouwarmer i wish i could articulate what you've written that post. one tiny let down sends me crashing.

steelchic · 28/05/2014 20:21

Aw Jesy not daft at all. Animals give so much unconditional love ! I'm sure there are more positives in your life and I'm sure you have a lot to offer. I think it may have been FOLK that suggested you should maybe volunteer at an animal shelter or something, why don't you, I think it would really help you x

Bigbird01 · 28/05/2014 20:30

jesy - not daft at all. Focus on the things that make you feel good. My focus is my house - I've spent the last few months redecorating it completely. It makes me feel really strong looking around it and realising how far I've come since my ex moved out.
I'm also trying to play piano again. I used to a long time ago, but my ex didn't like me practising. I have an electric piano so put my headphones on hammer away once the kids are asleep - it's great!! Would probably sound awful to anyone else, but I enjoy it :-)
I think the idea of doing voluntary work is fantastic if you have time!

jesy · 28/05/2014 20:41

Steel

I know feeling my fone pinged this morning and I raced to it but it wasn't him .
He has texted and I did reply I know I k ow , but I'd rather remain mates yes I have feelings for him and in time they will fade.
When logical brain works I know full well he not be type to go to open days at dogs hone or fetes ext.

Think I must have rubbish taste in men lol
A workaholic who broke my heart ( now a good mate)
Bipolar alcoholic, who lived with his mum
O be who had a great six weeks of days out but got angry when I sent a post card
Not to mention the drug addict lol

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 20:42

Steel chic I understand what your saying sad that your ex cheated and lied that's horrible
But you seem to be in a better place and you talk a lot of sense
Everybody deserves somebody and remember your guy is lucky to have youx

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 20:45

Just concerntrate on you jesy you can do better than these men

atoragetsyouwarmer · 28/05/2014 20:46

jesy my dog is such a comfort.She sleeps on my bed at night and it's lovely to feel her there on my feet when I can't sleep.

I have so much to be thankful for,my dc are lovely and I'm very lucky to be able to support us all and keep our lovely house going.I have a rewarding job.
But my friends have partners and do family things together at weekends and in holidays.
I'm happy with myself,and my own company.
I also know that so many families are not actually the happy units they might appear to others when seen out and on holiday. I know,I've been unhappily married.
But why should it be so difficult to find that extra dimension to life in having a loving partner to share things with,and to snuggle with and laugh and enjoy good times,and help each other make difficult times feel easier?
I really wonder if men have all the choices and get to call all the shots. I have to - and want to - put my dc first. Unless a man has 100% responsibility for his dc,he is free to do as he pleases and his free time is his.
Why would any man chose to "tie" himself to the hustle and bustle of someone else's' life when he doesn't actually have to ?
I am strong and capable and no longer needy.
I think this is intimidating and not what most men are looking for - even if that is what they say they want - as the man I have been dating actually stated on his profile,and told me when we met.
Ultimately,I think he wants a woman to enjoy great dates and holiday with,when he hasn't got his dc with him.Working around me and mine,was just too difficult to be worth the bother.Although he enjoyed having a good attempt at thinking about it. Sad

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 20:58

Actorage I'm sure you will find someone in good time
Some men want there cake and eat I guess
Don't know what other advice I can offer as I'm single never married etc

steelchic · 28/05/2014 21:03

Goodguy
I keep telling myself that he's lucky to have me and I hope he feels the same, I'm sure guys have insecurities too. I have realised over the last 3 years that I'm stronger than I thought. I lost both my parents and my marriage broke up within the space of 18 months, but hey I'm still here and I believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
Jesy
I know it's good to be friends with ex's if at all possible , but maybe you need to give it some time. Your feelings will be all over the place I think you need to get over him and it will be difficult if you have contact so soon

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 21:07

You have the right attitude what doesn't kill you make you strongerx

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 21:08

Yes us guys do have insecurities but we hide them well lol

jesy · 28/05/2014 21:19

I woke up the morning after he dumped me to find her next to me head on pillow and when I cried she licked my face ,

Insecurities are a pain, I had a fall about 18 months ago cut my face I'm paranoid about it . Won't go out unless coloured eye brows in lol

steelchic · 28/05/2014 21:23

So Goodguy, do you guys constantly check your phones for messages and when you don't hear from them for a day or so, do you think they've gone off you or met someone else (even although you know that's highly unlikely) only for your phone to bleep and there is a message from them. Are you guys thinking exactly the same ? Lol

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 21:32

If it somebody we really like steelchic we do constantly check our phones and do wonder if they have gone off us believe me I do anyway but realise what will be will bex