I am a horrible snob

[Iamameangirl]

I feel so bad about myself, its pathetic really. I grew up on a pretty grim council estate just outside glasgow and we were poor, my father was in and out of work thourgh the 80's and we had bugger all. I hated it, I was a bit of an odd one out at school I was quiet and read a lot but I disliked my scummy surroundings and desperately wanted all the trappings of a middle class life like piano lessons, ballet lessons, pony school, books, nice food and holidays. I didn't really know anyone like that (only in books) but I knew it was out there and I wanted a slice of it.

I worked hard at school and went and got into university, got my degree and my post grad. I was very fussy about who I dated I never wanted the bad boy or the slacker I like the careful, sensible reliable guys the engineers and the math students. I tended to date guys from more middle class backgrounds but when I fell in love it was with a man from a poorer background like myself but he was an engineer and he too wanted a better life than what he grew up with.

We have done well we have a lovely house in a good area, nice cars, I am finally taking piano lessons. But god I am such a snooty, snobby cow! I occasionally meet up with some girls I was at high school with and secretly I get a boost out of comparing my life with theirs. They are all fairly chavvy, multiple kids to different men, tattoos, obese, eating rubbish, working in the supermarket etc They were the cool girls at school, while I was the weirdo.

In other ways too at the supermarket I look at what people are buying and I feel superior when I see the ready meals, bottles of booze and junk food in their trolly. I take pride in all the healthy quality things I buy, ingredients for healthy homecooked meals, of course I also grow my own veg and herbs. I look at what people read and what films and music they listen to and I judge away looking down my nose at them and feel smug about the quality, high brow culture I consume.

I'm kind of horrified at myself, I know I still have hang ups about my background, nearly all my friends were privately educated and I do feel inferior to them at times as they have such in built confidence.

I like what I have achieved but I hate being so mean spirited about it all. However a pretty specific issue so not sure if there will be much advice but how do I get over myself?

but assuming 99.9% of the horses in any given country have a basic standard of care (food, shelter, vet care) provided by their owners, then surely having a horse says at the very least that the one is "wealthy" enough to provide for a horse? Some people living in true poverty can't provide basic care to a cat, let alone a horse.

And I know some people, irrespective of wealth or lack thereof don't look after their pets, but in broad terms (and legally!) you need to have quite a bit of spare income to provide even the basics to a horse.

It depends doesn't it? I know lots of people who work at equine establishments for free in order to keep their horse there. We aren' t talking fancy places, but if you live in the country it's quite easy to acquire stabling and paddocking or even to 'borrow' a horse/pony as long as you give something back for free (I know someone who does some admin/bookkeeping for example) but yes, you would have to afford a vet,even if it was just to euthanize. I do think there is a misconception only the wealthy have horses/shoot etc. In rural places that's really not true, it's not a personal sacrifice I would make though if I was living on/nr the headline but people do.

My daughter rides twice a week atm, but we get it at a concessionary rate.

You do think having a horse is a status symbol though don't you? Which is interesting.

Do you feel the same about people who have multiple cats and dogs?

It's not having a piano that makes you better than someone else, it's being a skilled piano player that makes you better than someone else. Higher level accomplishments - such as piano playing or riding - are part of education.

Better AT something, not better THAN someone. There is a difference

OP, I don't think you sound like a snob. You have brought yourself into the 'middle class' through your own efforts and now you view the people who stuff themselves with crap and have no ambition as being in a place you've moved on from.

We all judge other people's choices of food etc. IMO it's by knowing people as individuals - in my case, working in a small local newsagents' - that you get to see that other people have fantastic qualities, like kindness, or put up with all sorts of burdens, or have achieved remarkable feats that on the surface you'd never guess. It's easy to lump people together but once you start getting to know them as individuals then you start to realise how wonderful they are. Or how much you dislike their values and don't want to know them!

OP, you could write the sequel to Matilda

I think you're exaggerating how problematic you find your snobbery, and the extent of it. Do you really eschew popular culture because that's what fat people from Glasgow like?

Do you feel the same about people who have multiple cats and dogs?

Maybe if they're a 'breed'.

And being a 'better' snob, I say I personally would prefer to see a well trained, groomed Mutt or Staffie than an ill kempt snappy Spaniel or Corgi.

As Owllady says - better AT something. It's all about the signified, not the symbol.

Look on the bright side, OP. You were the self-confessed weirdo at school, yet friends with all the coolest girls, and they must have liked you to still be meeting up all these years later, despite your differences.

Intellectual snobbery is still snobbery too and one I find highly questionable. Does someone have less place in society because they are not academic? Is someone worth less because they have learning disabilities? Is someone worth more than others because they have a doctorate? My personal view is that there is a very thin or no line between snobbery and prejudice. Contribution to a well rounded society means all of those things, from the cared for, the carers, the people in the middle, the mum's, the dad's, the nurses, drs, engineers, academics. That's what society is, a mixture of all sorts of people, no one better or lesser.

Honestly, if you feel differently about perfectly normal people I do think it's wise to question why. Nobody is worth more than somebody else.

You may think I have a romantic view of life, but in a general society following normal rules, the above does and should apply.

It doesn't, but that's a different thread I suppose about those discriminated against.

You're right bunny. I was weird at school and I'm still weird now. The cool girls still don't speak to me .

I didn't notice any tattoos and as we were at a social event I didn't get to see the content of their shopping trollies .

What is unusual about this story is that you obviously moved back to the area you grew up right after university.

I suggest you move away. I think that will help break a link with your past.

My wife is not snobby but she grew up in a 2 up 2 down in Newcastle but was bookish and dreamed of 'better things' and had something of feeling of being an outsider even as a child. She moved away after university but her Mum still lives in the 2 up 2 down. DW has only has one friend from her school days she see every few years.

Isn't it amazing/interesting what a response this OP has generated?

My paternal grandparents were refugees in WW2, left everything behind they owned (which was not much, they were crofters/smallholders), their 3 children all went to university and got professional jobs.
My uncle (the eldest) is deeply embarrassed by were he comes from and tries to hide his upbringing/'class' as much as he possibly can and ties himself in knots in order to keep up with the Joneses.
My dad is v proud of what he achieved and is a dyed in the wool socialist
My aunt (the youngest) is terribly xenophobic and islmaphobic, totally forgetting that she once was the forriner…

We all deal differently with our roots.

Personally, I think the principles of Mindfulness (living and appreciating the moment) and NOT comparing oneself with others to avoid feeling smug or envious is one possible recipe for happiness.

I wonder whether Iamameangirl is still reading? I don't think you are btw, mean, I mean

Depends on how you judge really. I got the pony, the polo club, the sailing, the skiing, the trust fund which isnt enough to live on but certainly helps, and i had the music lessons.
I also have minor royals as cousins, although I only tend to see them at funerals and stuff.
This is from my mum's side, my dad grew up in one of the grottiest areas of Glasgow, three generations in one bedroom and the toilet they shared with three other families.

I also live in a suburban semi, have blue hair, multiple piercings, do as much shopping as possible in the pound shop and charity shops, have the odd McDonalds, watch eastenders and look a right scruff most of the time.

It just means I like that stuff and can't help how I was brought up.

I'll be honest, people insecure about their background and have total hangups about the right way to live leave
Me cold.
Far better to judge people on their ability to be kind, listen, be witty, love their kids, share books with etc.

"Better AT something, not better THAN someone. There is a difference."

You are better than me at playing the piano.
You are better at playing the piano than me.

And the difference is... word order

I was once asked by a friend whether I was ashamed of my background, the thought had never occurred to me and incidentally we are no longer friends.

Bonsoir, I played the organ and violin, I cannot play the piano.

I can play the piano OK. I learned at school on a climpy clompy out of tune thing. :)

OP you really do need to get over yourself. As someone in a similar position to you i know from my childhood too well how utterly soul destroying it is being judged by others for being from that estate, having parents on benefits, not having the right accent etc etc. It's crippling enough as it is without also being judged by people from your own background, who know that none of that makes you a bad person. Try to think back to your childhood and remember how it felt knowing you were being judged and resolve to not make others feel that way by doing the same to them. You'll know yourself people have so much shit going on in their lives, the content of their shopping trolley is the last thing on their minds, theyre struggling to pay bills and quite literally keep rooves over their children's heads. Oh and don't forget the the saying 'be nice to those you meet on the way up, you'll be meeting them again on the way back down' :-)

Most of the folk I know who own horses are working class or gypsies

Op your low self esteem is reall sad.

You should stop comparing uourself to others - that way madness lies.

You dont sound like a snob to me just very insecure.

I count among my friends builders, dole wallahs, minimum wage workers, professors, doctors, teachers etc. I have a phd but dont work. My dp is a builder.

I used to be just like you but have learnt that its whst people are like on the inside that matters not what they have or what they feed thier kids.

Can you get some counselling learn to like yoursrlf more?

I agree that you are getting sucked into what " other people "or society deem better. Once people have their basic needs filled the rest is just your interpretation of better.
Of course eating well is technically better than being served fast food rubbish. But actually as a child having freshly grown ( full of insects) vegetables that went in gluts and only having freshly shot meat set me up for loving fast food crap.
Pony's, piano lessons and brilliant holidays haven't stopped some children with these advantages from drink,drugs and death.
You got what you thought you always wanted and realised that you still haven't got "it", I guess.

I get where you are coming from OP.

It's like you feel don't fit in anywhere now. With your mc new life or your original school pals.

You need to accept where your from and also where you now are. Accept too your feelings and your judgy ness. They come from who you were and whoyounow are. Give yourself a pat on the back for your own achievements but be the authentic you. You don't have to pretend.

Oh and get pissedwith your new mates. So what if your accent does that most folks does!

You sound emotionally astute to me, OP. I wonder how any of us could own our own private shortcomings like you have.

When I read your post, it seemed to be about not fitting in. It's an odd feeling to have natural leanings towards a class or way of life which divorces you entirely from your family and upbringing. But it's healthy. Far better that you had those dreams and realised them than let them be crushed. But it can leave you feeling a bit astray. Maybe, emotionally, that's what you feel around your friends and it rationalises as looking down on their choices because your desire to move away from that life has isolated you.

Just accept the differences. Who you are now with your books and piano and ponies or whatever, is who you are. It's not a phoney approximation of a middle class person. It's as real and valid as anyone else, whatever their status at birth or now. As everyone else has said - status and wealth don't matter. But being happy and being confident enough to pursue a life you dreamed of - these things do matter.

Fantastic thread . Well done, all contributors!

You may have an education and nicer surroundings but you don't seem to have changed completely. You seem to still feel basically the same way that you did when you were young. Many people in your position would have cut all the ties to their old friends. I think the fact that you haven't done that shows some character.

I am curious about your get togethers with the old friends, like where do you meet and what do you do? Sorry to be so nosey but I am just wondering how the old and new fits together.

I agree with what the last few posters said. Your judgeyness might be just your way of patting yourself on the back for your achievements. You are very reflective and thoughtful. Maybe a little more thought as to why the others are still there might make you feel more generously towards them.