I am a horrible snob

[Iamameangirl]

I feel so bad about myself, its pathetic really. I grew up on a pretty grim council estate just outside glasgow and we were poor, my father was in and out of work thourgh the 80's and we had bugger all. I hated it, I was a bit of an odd one out at school I was quiet and read a lot but I disliked my scummy surroundings and desperately wanted all the trappings of a middle class life like piano lessons, ballet lessons, pony school, books, nice food and holidays. I didn't really know anyone like that (only in books) but I knew it was out there and I wanted a slice of it.

I worked hard at school and went and got into university, got my degree and my post grad. I was very fussy about who I dated I never wanted the bad boy or the slacker I like the careful, sensible reliable guys the engineers and the math students. I tended to date guys from more middle class backgrounds but when I fell in love it was with a man from a poorer background like myself but he was an engineer and he too wanted a better life than what he grew up with.

We have done well we have a lovely house in a good area, nice cars, I am finally taking piano lessons. But god I am such a snooty, snobby cow! I occasionally meet up with some girls I was at high school with and secretly I get a boost out of comparing my life with theirs. They are all fairly chavvy, multiple kids to different men, tattoos, obese, eating rubbish, working in the supermarket etc They were the cool girls at school, while I was the weirdo.

In other ways too at the supermarket I look at what people are buying and I feel superior when I see the ready meals, bottles of booze and junk food in their trolly. I take pride in all the healthy quality things I buy, ingredients for healthy homecooked meals, of course I also grow my own veg and herbs. I look at what people read and what films and music they listen to and I judge away looking down my nose at them and feel smug about the quality, high brow culture I consume.

I'm kind of horrified at myself, I know I still have hang ups about my background, nearly all my friends were privately educated and I do feel inferior to them at times as they have such in built confidence.

I like what I have achieved but I hate being so mean spirited about it all. However a pretty specific issue so not sure if there will be much advice but how do I get over myself?

I don't think the OP sounds unhappy. I think it is quite understandable for people who have worked very hard to get a better life to despise the life they left behind - that was a large part of the motor to get them ahead.

You don't Sound happy and secure on your choices tbh.
Do you even like your job? Or is it a means to an end? I.e. A job to have to prove you are mc?
I tend to only look down on people who revel in and are proud of their ignorance.
I quite like most people, I find :)

I think she sounds insecure.

It's like the Jeremy Kyle affect. That programme is popular because people like to look down on others to make themselves feel better, rather than just being able to do this based on their own achievements. This is why many peoples goals are set to pitch them above others, rather than to simply be the best they can be and that being the goal.

I'm from Scotland and just wanted to add that you being Scottish, particularly from Glasgow probably doesn't help. We Scots have an inbuilt inferiority complex (have you ever seen that Billy Connolly sketch about how Scottish people apologise for existing? - It is very astute.)

If I were you, I would seriously think about talking through all this with a therapist in order to try to find peace with the past so that you can enjoy the present. I bet you feel like an interloper and as though it could all be removed from you one day because you don't have a family right to it. Hence your need to compare. You don't sound like a snob, you sound insecure and stressed. I hope you find a good way to work through it.

So you can't possibly be happy, OP, even though you might think you are we all know different. People who are comfortable and have achieved more than their peers must in some way be miserable and need therapy. Good grief. Mind you, you clearly asked for it by posting on here...

I don't think OP sounds that unusual. I grew up middle class and met my working class ex at uni. At the time I thought such things didn't matter but he had a chip on his shoulder (possibly the root of his abuse), was awful with money and was pretty uncultured. When I left I was eager to close the door on all that.

DH is a professional and we have a nice life but I'm a bit over sensitive to behaviours which I feel indicate attitudes like my ex. DH isn't very good at making the kids clean up after themselves in the bathroom. My ex's parents were filthy and my ex had no standards so I freak out a bit.

I'm mostly secure but a man dragged me down once before and I never want to go back.

One of my best friends comes from a council house in a rough city. She got a bit funny about something recently because she felt it was a backwards step. It wasn't at all but rather than it being a snob issue, she simply didn't want to go back to the bad food, cold house, shouting and uncouthness having worked so hard to get beyond that.

I'm not saying money buys you happiness but I know that a life with small luxuries (fresh veg, heating on when you want it and nice neighbours) is infinitely happier than one without.

How about this:
Instead of looking down at people, have a think about those who helped you on your way up. Because nobody does it ALL on their own.
Why not try to think of a supportive role you could play? Mentoring at a school for example?
I get where you're coming from, I really do, but your attitude is a bit disgusting, you know this. Don't assume you're the only person ever who wanted/wants to escape. Give something back.

I thought fiveexclamations answer was brilliant and the OP could be me as I am far from my roots. None of us are perfect and at least Iamameangirl recognises that how she feels is not altogether right. If only she could enjoy the fruits of her labour without worrying. Life is very short, try not to worry about others and be thankful you have done so well.

Never heard a Glaswegian use the phrase " pretty grim council estate " either. I agree you should think about writing an article for a newspaper. But be careful to do your research first.

A lot of 'lifelong' MC people share your snobbish attitudes but do so completely unquestioningly and with no guilt whatsoever. That's the difference.

They also know far less about what they are looking down upon. Whereas you know which aspects you really disliked and exactly how unpleasant they were and which had value.

Most people who 'look down' probably overestimate the role that choice plays and don't know much about poverty traps. That can be true, by discarding knowledge, or using powerful blinkers, of people who've 'got out' too. The 'if I can do it anyone can' attitude is a real sign of insecurity and self-delusion - forgetting that being born intelligent is lucky, not a self-made talent, unlike working hard with what you've got - but I'm not getting that from you.

Many people, especially the fortunate, have little insight into their condition. People generally overestimate the power of their hard work and good decisions over luck - in getting particular jobs, riding the property market upwards etc. In a way you are a realist, knowing this can all be lost, living in a world of complacent delusion.

For all of those doubting the OP's heritage because of the phrases she uses, I am also Glaswegian, have lived down south for several years now and use all of those phrases.

She may or may not be who she says she is, but using those words are neither here not there in proving that.

*nor

Sounds like you are looking in their carts because you feel a desperate need to prove to yourself that you are not a chav. Deep down you suspect you are, so getting "proof" that you are not stills that fear, and reassures you, hence the big kick you get out of it. Seems to me that you need to tackle the fear. Ask yourself what would happen if it turned out you really were a chav. What is it about chavviness that makes you so scared to be one? Who or what gave you the message that being a chav is so bad and shameful?

I was brought up on a council estate and my parents worked in factories, did cleaning/caring. They were very decent, loving people but had no ambition for me.

I got an education, had ambition and now have professional qualifications and a middle class life style. My close friends have also had similar backgrounds but, like me, have moved away from their working class roots.

I'm not unhappy but I do, like you, envy the inbuilt confidence/ good diction/ self assurance that my acquantainces who've had a middle class upbringings have.

When I'm in the supermaket etc I do have the odd snobby thought when I see other people's trolleys full of burgers and beer, but I don't beat myself up about my thoughts.

I think Arsebadger had a good suggestion about mentoring at a school (or college, or voluntary organisation). I know on the occasions I've come across someone (at work) who had a similar background to me, coupled with ambition, I've been able to support and encourage them in a way that my middle class peers couldn't, because we've come from a similar place.

Use your experience for the good, rather than fretting about your snobby thoughts.

Do you express this snobbery out loud or keep it to yourself and quietly judge? Because if it's the former, then yes you should do something about it and try to be a nicer person. And if it's the latter, then welcome to the human race and treat yourself to a pair of MN easy-hoik judgy-pants while you're at it. :) I think we all have moments when we compare ourselves favourably or unfavourably with others. If it's dominating your thinking, dictating your behaviour, losing you friends and spoiling your enjoyment of life then it would be unhealthy but, if all you're getting is some quiet satisfaction and motivation to keep striving, I don't see the problem.

FWIW I think out loud inverted snobbery is far worse. The type that uses phrases like 'who does she think she is?' are very bitter :)

You are not alone I suspect there are loads of people like this. The main thing to remember is you were once the person you judge now, you are aware of that and you admit you don't like looking down on people.
Be kind to yourself give yourself a break and just try harder not to judge. When you find yourself doing it take a deep breath and focus on something positive.
It's a great feeling when you see the positive in people.

worth listening to peter starsteds, (where do you go to my lovely,.....)

just about sums it up really, be thankful for what you have got, always someone better/worse off than you.

well done you have built a more comfortable life for yourself,

so yes, a good idea to "put something back", just don't from the viewpoint that you are superior/better/cleverer/ stronger or a kinder person than others you consider beneath you.

Im impressed that you grow your own veg. And herbs. I'm surprised you don't have a gardener.

God darling everyone's a snob. Honestly. Everyone judges everyone. Stop being so bloody hard on yourself.

Judge away and giggle about it, then enjoy your own life. You've done very well, be proud of yourself and your lovely husband.

It sounds like that little girl who felt like a weirdo could have done with a big cuddle and reassurance that she was in fact worth it. Do that for her.

If you feel you can't move on from this then counselling might be worth it. It would be a shame to get to 90 and realise you missed your lovely life.

You've worked for and deserve everything you have.Enjoy it.

This is a fascinating thread! Thank you for posting OP.

I have struggled with several of the issues you mention and watched my grandmother ripped apart by being a snob (she has passed away and I loved her immensely). She came from money but it was lost in a terribly bad period of business and bad management. I watched her 'keeping up appearances' and she was a terrible snob. I can remember watching her in church (of all places!) looking at what people were wearing and comparing herself. She did this to everyone, everywhere!

Yes, as a pp mentioned that attitude can get you places but I wouldn't swap my life for those 'places'. I'm happy in my own skin and proud of my personal achievements (beautiful well rounded dd, degree, post grad)

Just remember that money can not buy you happiness.

Your poor grandmother knowledge, I think that level of insecurity is like a mental torture. The fear of not being "good enough" must be so horrible.

You have a chip on your shoulder and as soon as you get rid of it and accept not only who you are, but who you were, the inner snob with go with it.

I think, as others have pointed out, you are insecure. Maybe you don't really feel like everything you have is permanent? Maybe you're afraid to wake up one day and lose everything and be back where you started out?

Accept and learn to love the person you used to be when you were poor, after all she's the one who got you where you are.

OP I think your feeling pretty much sum up the way 'western consumer culture' encourages us too feel.

I am sure there are a lot of people who feel the same or stronger feelings than you about these things. You don't happen to live in Bothwell do you? A lot of new money, monster homes and preening for the neighbours there.