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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left please hold my hand

449 replies

notmakingsense · 11/05/2014 15:43

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him Sad but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt Sad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 23/05/2014 01:20

I'm glad that you got a good response from WA - hopefully you realise better now that you are NOT over-reacting?!

Please stop thinking about the H. Focus on the good things - one of which is lack of contact with him! Grin

Thanks and Wine

AdoraBell · 23/05/2014 02:49

Glad you've spoken to WA, and they confirmed that you are doing the right things.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 23/05/2014 08:21

Thanks everyone its going ok too well really which is why I think there will be some attempt to shatter me in some way most likely through the dc just cant shake the thought he will attempt to remove them from my care so he is the rp Sad its the worst thing that could happen to me which is why it keeps going through my mind I think.

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Original poster
notmakingsense · 23/05/2014 11:45

Well my parents went and brought down the car today so guess now we will see if he will retaliate Sad

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AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2014 14:27

Glad you got the car back. Now just breathe deeply and repeat "I have a good solicitor, my parents are on my side, and I am safe in my home" over and over. Things will be ok. Remember that you are playing into his hand by allowing him to get into your head in this way. He can try, but he can't defeat you. You have done NOTHING that would warrant your children being removed from your care.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 23/05/2014 14:46

across im trying but its hard the not knowing part is probably worse than reality but its the not knowing whats coming thats most worrying especially since all I want are happy dc so I know despite my own feelings he will always be in my life Sad I have to find a way to deal with his emotional bully tactics somehow.

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AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2014 16:33

I know, sweetheart, I know. It'll take time, time that will pass and nothing bad will happen. One day you'll look around & realize that he truly has no power to hurt you. He'll be an annoying bug that you will be able to swat away from your happy life. He may be able to buzz around, but he'll be just an annoyance, not a threat.

tygarugby · 23/05/2014 17:28

Only you know what is right so stay strong

Original poster
notmakingsense · 23/05/2014 20:26

Thanks across I just feel so lost right now Sad I know that ive done the right thing for my dc and for me so why do I keep doubting myself? Like people are judging me for leaving when they only see the life and soul of the party etc I mean I don't expect his family/friends to turn round and say oh yes he is like that but Surely It was not just me that Experienced that side of him Sad

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AcrossthePond55 · 24/05/2014 00:21

Because HE has made you feel worthless and stupid for many years. He 'taught' you not to trust your own judgement.

People can think whatever they like; "The dogs bark, but the caravan passes on". But you may be surprised what people really think of him. After all, if they thought he was a putz they really weren't likely to tell you, were they? It's surprising, though, how many men who treat their families so terribly are Mr Charm to the public. They are all charm because they can come home & take it out on their wife & kids.

Lweji · 24/05/2014 05:57

You only really get to know people by spending time with them or even working closely with them.

Parties are the worst place to evaluate people.

So, unless your friends have even been on holiday with him or shared a flat, I doubt they will have seen the full him although the most perceptive ones may have glimpsed some traits.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 24/05/2014 10:12

Thanks across and lweji hopefully they will see his true colours but then it took me a long time to see them and even now I keep doubting myself so obviously others may not see it Sad My parents have said they haven't liked him in a long time that he changed (my mum has worked with him) and actually he got demoted and had to move jobs last year due to inappropriate behaviour towards colleagues I didn't believe it at the time stupid me huh!

Had a nightmare last night about receiving court papers and not understanding a word on them or being able to defend myself Sad

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Original poster
notmakingsense · 26/05/2014 08:56

So had to send him an email beginning of last week about ds and changing schools got no reply till the Saturday?! Then just a thats fine do I need to sign anything oh and I need your password to remove you from ipad Hmm so no how are the dc? Can I arrange to see them etc I guess he is going to try and do something via solicitors then Sad

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GarlicMayonnaise · 26/05/2014 12:29

It's ghastly feeling so confused that you have nightmares about being confused! Are you sleeping okay? Bad dreams can really fuck up your sleep. One thing that sometimes works for me is to write down the dream (more of it comes back, ime, when you do that,) then write the same tale again with happy outcomes! In your dream, this might be you get the court papers and you are surrounded by helpful people who care for you - MNers, the WA lady, your solicitor and your wise Mum - so it's a piece of cake and you see clearly how the court process will free you from him. You know with certainty that you are in the right; these papers are your passport to a better life :)

I'm not so sure his lack of interest in the DC means he's plotting in the wings ... it's at least as likely that he really isn't interested them. Maybe he's already got his claws into a new target (poor woman, if so.) Wouldn't a solicitor have advised him to show an interest in them, if he were aiming for a high level of parental responsibility? That email is evidence he isn't bothered about them.

Maybe you're overestimating him Wink

Thumbwitch · 26/05/2014 13:02

Did you give him your password? Does he really need that or is it some dubious way to gain access to your stuff?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2014 14:00

Thumb my first thoughts!!! Do NOT give him any pw. If he has a legitimate need to 'get you off the iPad' then he can bloody well get the iPad to you somehow & you can delete it yourself.

Actually, I have an iPad. What pw is he talking about? Is the screen locked because you have a pw on it? Is he trying to get you to give him your Apple ID pw?

No no no!

Original poster
notmakingsense · 26/05/2014 14:37

Thanks garlic I will try that and I really hope I am overestimating him but I think he will try something at some point he isn't the sort to let go easily Sad

across thumb yes it was my itunes password he wanted he had obviously requested a password reset which came to my email and asked me to send the new password to him Hmm but I googled and have deleted the ipad off my itunes account so I think that should free it up? Well google says it will anyway. Maybe im too suspicious but I changed all the passwords I could think that I had online pin nos etc the day after I left.

The silence is making me doubt myself if he hasn't done any of the horrible things I was expecting was it then me? My fault he acted the way he did? Obviously my logical side says no but I have silly moments of self doubt Sad especially when I take dc out and see happy families all around me.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 26/05/2014 14:49

You can never be too suspicious in these situations, notmaking - glad you didn't fall for his suggestion.

Now listen. There are several reasons for his continued silence:

  1. he's biding his time and working out A Plan
  2. he doesn't actually give a shit about seeing the children
  3. he doesn't think you're going to stay away and is just waiting for you to cave and go back to him
  4. he's a nasty bastard who knows you'll be fretting, waiting for the axe to fall, and he's delaying to make it worse for you, playing on your insecurities and continuing his nasty habits of emotional abuse.

Or in fact, it could be any combination of them. But, while I completely understand your fears that it's no. 1, try and stop thinking about it, it's not achieving anything positive, just making you fret, possibly unnecessarily.

Carry on doing the practical stuff, concentrate on your DC and yourself. x

AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2014 16:21

I'll take a large order of #4 with a side of #3 thumb.

sense I know it's soooo hard when you've been living with 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' (i.e. his temper) to learn to 'let go' of that worrywart-i-ness. Is there someone in RL you can talk it out with right in the moment when it happens? You know we're here, but not always immediately able to respond. If there was someone you could call right then & say "Hey, help me reason away these worries" I think it would help you to be able to talk yourself out of them on your own eventually.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 26/05/2014 20:00

thumb your right and that's what I have been doing to take my mind away just practical things that need sorting in fact I have gotten my ds a place at a nice school local to my parents im going to see them tommorow. There are other things I really need to do but because im in a silent limbo im not sure what to do, ive ordered my ds a cake for his birthday next week but im now worried he will make sure its one of his days off for access Sad I know what my ds would like as his gift but dont know whether he or his family will have already bought it and I want to book like a pizza dinner out or something for him but again what do I do aabout his dad wanting to see him or his side of the family Sad

I hate that this is so messy for dc especially on special occasions.

sense I have been talking about it a bit with my parents but they are as suspicious as I am that he will have something dirty up his sleeve as he is "an arrogant bully" in their words Sad he never thinks he is wrong and after id left was the 1st time he ever said he had been wrong about anything!

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Original poster
notmakingsense · 26/05/2014 20:01

sense should have been across apologies

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AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2014 21:55

Sweetie, you plan your ds birthday without regards to 'him'. Cake, pizza dinner, gift without a single thought to whether or not he has done a single thing. If he calls for access; "sorry you should have called sooner, we have plans". If he buys the same gift; "sorry, I already bought him that" or "Look sweetie, mummy got you the same thing daddy did. We'll take one back & you can pick out something yourself". As far as his family, if you feel comfortable inviting them, do so. If not, do not. They can make their own plans for ds.

Don't see problems where they don't exist, love. You live your life. They can live theirs around you (& ds).

Original poster
notmakingsense · 27/05/2014 09:45

across your right I really shouldn't care I dont know why I still worry so much about not putting him or his family out Sad

Am thinking it may be today I hear from solicitors and im nervous about it Sad no doubt they will call just as im dealing with getting a start date for ds new school.

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Dutchoma · 27/05/2014 12:50

Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. Then deal with what is not with what might be.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/05/2014 14:47

You know sense I used to be the world's biggest worrywart. I even worried when I couldn't think of something to worry about, because I was worried that I'd missed something I should be worrying about! It took a serious cancer scare to teach me that worrying doesn't get me anywhere & doesn't change a thing. I still worry at times, but I'm better at remembering that there are things I can't control. Having a faith helps, so if you believe turn it all over to your 'higher power'. But you will train yourself to 'Let it go'. You're just beginning to learn how.

Dutch I have now gotten out my embroidery floss and will be making a sampler with 'Don't trouble trouble, etc'. Love that!