I've left please hold my hand

[notmakingsense]

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt

Post a picture Acrossthepond when it's finished. Love to see it

dutch I am trying but like you used to be across im a worrier as far back as I can remember I have been though its obviously worse just now as I feel like an axe is hanging over my head

Trying to focus on my beautiful dc they are my world and my parents and family are all being supportive too.

So im just out my follow up meeting with wa and they are being great have said it doesn't have to be physical or obvious to be abuse I admitted that I just cant seem to admit to myself that it was abuse so will be starting a support group in a couple of weeks with another appointment in between feel a but emotional after it to be honest is that normal?

Sense - feeling emotional afterwards is not only normal, it's an excellent sign. What it suggests to me is that your normal emotions/senses are starting to function again.

Parts of you have been shut down for years, to allow you to stay within the relationship you had. It would have started with a tiny bit, which you shut down the first time something wasn't quite right. Then with every new thing that made you uncomfortable, you would have shut down a little bit more. After some years, this adds up to quite a lot of you being shut down, and all the while you stayed with him, there would have been no need for you to allow it back out.

Now that you have been out of that situation for a little while, those shut-down parts of you are beginning to reawaken - and having someone validate your feelings of wrongness in terms of what happened to you is allowing them to wake up even more. THIS is what is making you emotional - that someone has allowed you to feel that your feelings were, in fact, valid - and you can now react to them normally, instead of shutting them up again.

Hope that makes sense, I'm not writing with as much clarity as I'd like these days!

I could also say it's a bit like your very own Pandora's Box - you've been putting these doubts of yours away into a box, until it got so full that a few leaked out again, enough to make you realise that you needed to leave. But the lid was still on the box - until now, when someone has allowed you to lift the lid off the box, releasing all that repressed feeling - pretty emotional.

sense there was an incident in my EA relationship (even now I don't like to think about it) that I had blocked from my mind so thoroughly that I actually accused a friend of lying when she brought it up after 'that man' & I split. I told her 'that never happened' and got very ugly with her. God bless her for her quiet understanding. It wasn't until I sought therapy 5 years later that I realized what she had said had really happened. Our minds just don't want to admit to us that we 'allowed' ourselves to be abused. So we deny or we find a different 'spin' to explain it all away. It's very, VERY hard to look these things in the face but, oh, the feeling of freedom when you do. sense you are far ahead of where I was because you are opening your spirit to the truth about him now & seeking healing. Although I left and admitted there were 'problems' & I 'wasn't happy', it was a long time before I gave it it's right name and sought help.

thumb spot on I did shut down what I was feeling or at least push it back anyway. Im letting some of it out but even talking to wa I couldn't say he was abusive just explain what he did and how I left as I couldn't take it anymore or watch it effect my dc I didn't want them to think it was normal

across I originally went to wa to get help.for my son but they are helping me too thankfully. I think there are probably more things im repressing but im not ready to face yet at all. I still switch off from it all now alot of the time so im strong for dc in bed is worst for doubts and fears setting in. I felt a bit sad then relieved after I left the meeting

Having a bit of a wobble this morning Have seen the letter his solicitor has sent mine by email though will most likely be next week before I speak to mine. The thing im most upset about is it says he disputes what I said in regards to ds but will be more sensitive with regards to contact with him so basically im a liar then it also says he wants dc one weekend a month which is fine but surely not in addition to the other 2 days he wants them I can say only 2 days a week cant I? I hate all this and im actually starting to really hate him.

He can dispute all he wants, it doesn't make him automatically right. Nor does it mean anyone will automatically believe him - this is where you need to change your mindset.

Remember he can want what he wants all he likes, but in the end you have to do what is best for your DC. If your DS doesn't want to see him, or stay overnight with him, then that will be taken into consideration. If you think he isn't able to look after your DC sufficiently well by himself overnight, then you need to make that clear.

The legals in this situation have only got your word and his word to go on. You need to make your case as strongly as you can, so FORGET all his shit and just think about your DC and what is best for THEM. The more you wibble and think "Oh he's going to win, everyone's going to believe him and think I'm a liar" then the more strength you're handing over to him. Take it back, stand strong, tell it how it is, be an advocate for your DC, especially your sensitive DS who needs you to do it for him.

I wanted to reply to your post this morning, not, but Thumb's already said it :)

It's sensible to respect X's right to feel as he feels, want what he wants, say what he chooses to say. Those are independent rights. Your rights are exactly the same as his. Respecting his right means standing back and allowing his self-expression. It's not necessary or desirable to validate him, or to try changing what he feels/thinks (in fact, both could be disrespectful.) Respect doesn't require validation.

Your role - which must be respected equally, as the law will require - is to clearly express your own thoughts/feelings/wants, independently, in your own words. He must stand back and respect you, because the lawyers will make him! As Thumb says, "You need to make your case as strongly as you can, so FORGET all his shit and just think about your DC and what is best for THEM." I will add "What's best for YOU", as well!

As my dear late MiL used to say 'he can want in one hand & s**t in the other and see which one gets filled first!'.

thumb makes very good points. This is where you need to remember that you are used to giving in to him to keep peace in the home. This is why his demands worry you. Because automatically in the past he did 'win', but ONLY because you 'gave in'. But you DON'T need to give in because there is already peace in YOUR home and to hell with his!

He's disputing the diagnosis because you have texts & evidence that he already has 'pooh poohed' it, so he almost has to say he disputes it or he comes off looking, at the least, uncaring & uninvolved. He can't say 'Yes, I agree that DS has special needs, even though in the past I said it was bollocks'. So, you see, it has less to do with you being a 'liar' & more to do with covering his arse.

I don't know how things are there, but typically here visitation is usually along the lines of every other weekend and usually a day or two during the week. Holidays alternate. Our courts are pretty much for joint custody with as equal time with each as possible. Of course, the good fathers want their kids as much as possible & that's great! The lousy ones usually fight tooth & nail but then rapidly lose interest & eventually become those once in a fortnight for a day types. Now, which do you think yours will be?

You do need to gather all the 'ammo' you can find and get it to your sol. Be sure she has all texts, reports from school, medicals, names & addresses of anyone who may be able to provide evidence on your behalf. Brace yourself, but in the long run I don't think the big guns will ever come out. After all, OW has to pay his sol since he has no income & do you really think she'll want to fund a battle for a child that isn't hers?

You are all right I need to start thinking of what I want and whats best for dc I said 2 overnights a week at most and will stick to that! Even that will have to built up to with ds I think though I am a bit worried he will manipulate ds too the way he does everyone else around him

across I dont have that much ammo unfortunately as it was so very subtle but others have seem him roar at ds though he doesn't have special needs just more sensitive than he thinks he should be! As far as im aware there isnt an ow and he has a ft job so plenty money to fight me unfortunately

ahh across just realised that perhaps the 2nd part of your post wasnt for me

God why do I stay on facebook?! If it wasn't for the few friends ive only recently got in touch with I would delete the bloody thing. Ex has posted a poem tonight "to my son" it basically says not to live life like him without showing emotions but says at end "never forget im here for you, im your role model, but most importantly im your dad" I really hope my ds does not see him as a role model! Some people are commenting underneath aww how nice etc and one of them is or was a friend of mine since school but as we socialised as couples has been saying she is there for us both but looks like she and her dp are swallowing the poor me story so there goes a 15 years friendship then! Why does this bother me! I know its likely been posted just to annoy me but worst of all is the fact he seems to be able to suck people in and they believe his version of things/feel sorry for him. Im both and

I cant bring myself to go down the you must pick who you want to be friends with route as it seems so childish but I dont think I can continue being friendly with anyone who believes him or is still friends with him. What do I do? Do I just distance myself from these people? Phase them out? Or tell them sorry I dont want people who are his friends in my life?

Sorry never commented on your thread before but have been lurking, can I suggest that for the moment and to eliminate this extra stress that you delete your facebook page. You can always get a new one down the line but if he is going to start using facebook as a tool to "get to you" remove it from him.

No reason why you shouldn't post that you hope DS won't see him as a role model!

Yeah, I've lost all the mutual friends from both marriages - except, perhaps tellingly, XH's best friend and sister. In my case, though, a lot of them had been covering for infidelities and other misbehaviours. I told some people that I didn't blame them but it didn't work. Some, whom I thought of as really good friends, went out of their way to say what a lovely bloke X was, such a good friend, yadda yadda ... well, if they like him that much, they're more than welcome to the wanker!

Oops! Got you mixed up with another thread.

Just disregard anything that doesn't pertain to you!

LBZT you are right thats what I should do would I lose all photos I have on there though?

garlic it really sucks I think that people seem to think he is this nnice bloke who just isn't good with emotions bothers me and shakes my confidence but also really resent them at the same time how do you get past that?

across I thought u had do like your mil saying though!!

I've never 'done' Facebook, maybe that's why. Sometimes there's just 'too much information' out there! Can't you block his feed or whatever it's called so you don't see his crap? DH has Facebook & I know he's got settings where pretty much no one sees anything except a chosen few.

As far as friends, to be fair, have you talked to any of them and told them even a little? If you feel that any of them are worth keeping, that is. You've said that he's 'gone off' on ds before in front of others, have you spoken to any of those friends? I don't think it's a matter of forcing them to take sides, really. If there are people you care about & still want in your life, tell them your side (simply & quietly) & let them decide. It may be that some of them are waiting for you to contact them, but don't want to force themselves into your 'new life'.

This might sound a bit rude/harsh, but I really don't think you should write your friends off just because they're still being friendly to your H until you've given your side of the story. If they then continue to insist that they're there for both of you, or prevaricate about the situation, then you can let them go - but it's very unfair of you to just decide to cut them off before you've even told them what your version of events is.

across thumb think ive successfully blocked his feed thing now or I hope so! Ive told them I couldn't live with the angry person he had become and that the shouting at ds they had seen in their homes was obviously less than in our home. I told them about the stonewalling me for 3 days and how anything I got wrong was a big deal and his attitude towards helping me in house and they said if its definitely over we are here for you but then go on to remain it would seem to support him too admittedly I have been keeping some things back like that I have a solicitor but I don't want him to get info from them so felt I couldn't say. I dont think they get why ive not said how unhappy I was actually they just don't get it do they. If shoe was on other foot no way would I be friendly with their ex thats what hurts

I understand, totally. But have you asked any of the wives out for shopping or for coffee/tea? They may 'get it' but if you have withdrawn from the friends you had (again, understandable) before really allowing them to stand with you, maybe it's not completely unexpected that they would stay friends with him. Human nature, perhaps, to just keep doing what one always has done.

I think that it all depends on whether or not you feel that any of them is worth keeping. We have friends as a couple that I probably wouldn't care if they left my life, although I do like them. But there are also friends who would break my heart if they were to side with my DH in circumstances like yours. Those are the ones I would make an effort to keep. I agree with keeping your cards close to the vest and that may mean the friendship has to be limited in a way until you feel 'safe' in confiding 100%.

You know, my BFF and my husband's BFF actually introduced us. We were just like 4 peas in a pod & actually called ourselves 'Lucy, Ricky, Fred, & Ethel'. We were raising our kids together, camping, dinners, and envisioned our lives throughout the years, just as BFF & I had planned when we were kids. DH and her H shared hobbies, etc, & were the 'matey-est of mates'. BUT, when they split my DH (at first siding with her H) ended up supporting her totally because she just carried on as friends with both of us and he saw the truth eventually.

One way or another, you need friends in RL.

across thats the most hurtful part that they are 'my' friends in as much as we have been friends since high school and the oh only socialised when as couples not friends independently if you know what I mean? To my face they have said oh isnt that terrible and if you are definitely no longer together we are behind you but then saying on fb we are there for you both telling him to call if needs anything and comments like oh thats lovely to the poem. I dont trust them anymore

I understand, sense. In my big break-up, I ended up keeping most of the friends, partly because I'd always been the one to call them and arrange to meet etc., but partly because they were pretty disgusted with his behaviour.

In your case, I suppose the reason that they might be attempting to support him as well is because you've left him, so he's seen as the injured party, because they have no real idea of what your life with him has been like. He's probably playing the hurt and bewildered card at them - in their shoes, how would you react? So they're sitting on the fence until they have some more concrete evidence of the real cause of the break up, I'd say.

In the end, I agree that you probably should let it lie with them for a while, because I wouldn't trust them to keep quiet about what you're doing. One of my friends, she would have to socialise with the ex because her OH was the ex's best friend from school, but she would always report back on how he was, how the OW was etc. (we had a few gleeful chats) - but I never spoke to his actual friend about him, he wouldn't participate in our little sessions.

Anyway, that's enough extrapolating from my situation which is of course markedly different from yours - except to the outside world, it probably isn't seen as being much different (apart from the lack of 3rd party in the break up of course).

Let it go for now. Let things progress, fight your battle for you and your DC, if they contact you be nice, meet if you want to, but say very little except about how much happier you are away from his nasty ways. It'll all come out in the wash, as they say, and you might end up with fewer friends but they'll be ones you know you can rely on.

and for you. xx

Thanks thumb it sounds petty but I dont want to see/socialise with them because of them remaining friendly with him I have told them about the reasons I left and it makes me doubt myself if that makes sense like perhaps I am the 'bad' or unreasonable one or exaggerating/making it up in my head. One friend in particular im starting to think has many faces iykwim as she will say to me and my mum oh im 100% behind sense but then say on fb to call if he needs anything/what a lovely poem etc

On the plus side it has brought me and another 2 friends closer together as they have and are amazingly supportive and will listen to me talk/moan/vent and actually is 100% by my side and thank goodness for them and mn or id be sure I was going mad!

Solicitors letter that he has had a reply from ex's solicitor arrived yesterday but as I was at work I won't be able to call to make an appointment with mine till monday and am working and have lots on this coming week so may well be the beginning of following one before I can see him which will no doubt be seen by ex and family as me being akward. He wants them on his days off which I had previously offered and for a weekend every month I dont disagree with 1 weekend a month but not in addition to another 2 days ie not 4 days once a month I may be seen as unreasonable but I feel 2 overnights a week is fine and more would be too much for ds am I unreasonable? I hate this part I really do