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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left please hold my hand

449 replies

notmakingsense · 11/05/2014 15:43

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him Sad but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
notmakingsense · 20/05/2014 13:13

Thanks garlic I hope so I still feel alot of guilt and sadness but mainly for and about the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmakingsense · 20/05/2014 17:08

So no word today Sad I hate just waiting to see what he is going to do constantly feel sick. Feel like im living in a surreal dimension and this cant really be happening to me can it. Just full.of self doubt Sad

OP posts:
captainmummy · 21/05/2014 08:10

You are doing the right thing, OP. It is natural to be full of doubt, but that#s better than being full of fear. I hope WA can talk to you, and help you soon.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 21/05/2014 10:00

Thanks captainsmummy its just so hard I never wanted things to be this way Sad im so stressed out I jump when my phone rings or gets an email as I very much doubt he would just disappear and feel like there is something big coming I just dont know what yet Sad

OP posts:
captainmummy · 21/05/2014 13:08

No one ever does, OP. Sad

That feeling of being on edge - will not go away for a while. It was probably with you for years, you just didn;t really look it in the eye. Now the freedom is in sight, you are terrified something will come along to snatch it away again. It's natural to feel like this. It's not necessarily a sign that 'something big' is coming, just that you don't feel able to relax yet.
I hop WA see you soon - I think you need some RL support and real help with coping. Have you heard when they might be able to see you?

Original poster
notmakingsense · 21/05/2014 13:43

captainsmummy yes someone is coming for an initial visit tomorrow so that will hopefully help. I keep wondering why I haven't heard anything especially in regards to access to the dc which leads on to thoughts he is trying to find a legal way to take them from me Sad would think he is too clever to try an illegal way or at least I hope so but why wouldn't he have been in touch with solicitor to set up access Confused he always maintained he would "fight me for dc" so wht this silence.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 21/05/2014 14:00

Possibly because (as you mention) he actually doesn't really want to have access? he has maybe realised how much work dc are, and is happily leaving it - he can probably blame you for not doing anything to facilitate his access... He cannot 'take' them from you. Don't worry about that. No court in the land would take them from the primary carer and pass them to a violent, short-tempered, manipulating bully. And yes, they can/will see him for what he is.

I doubt he is trying anything 'illegal' or setting up clever traps for you, at least I'd hope not. He has to be very careful how he proceeds too, you know. One fault, one mistaken step with regard to dc, and he will shoot himself in the foot - IF he wants access.

GarlicMayonnaise · 21/05/2014 14:03

Could be anything - he might be plotting, he might be on a bender, he might not really care that much about the DC, he might be sulking, he might have gone on holiday!

After years of thinking more about what he's likely to do, think, feel, want, say, etc, it takes quite a big mental & emotional effort to shift your mind back to where it belongs - what you want and feel, etc, and what's right for your children. This IS THE RIGHT TIME to make that effort :)

I think you'll feel a bit better after seeing the WA rep. Well done, you really are doing the right things Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 21/05/2014 15:53

"After years of thinking more about what he's likely to do, think, feel, want, say, etc, it takes quite a big mental & emotional effort to shift your mind back to where it belongs - what you want and feel, etc, and what's right for your children. This IS THE RIGHT TIME to make that effort"

Nail on head Garlic ! Not easy to do, but you can do it, sense.

I'd say it's likely that he is seeking legal advice himself. As he should do. I think once he retains his own counsel, any possible shenanigans on his part will stop. Then calm negotiations can start for what is fair/right for the dcs.

Thumbwitch · 21/05/2014 17:48

"he always maintained he would "fight me for dc" so wht this silence."

Well I would say that he was mostly using that as a threat to keep you stuck with him, rather than an actuality. I have no doubt that he will keep pulling emotional blackmail stunts to try and push you back down, and "into line" but you have to learn to recognise them for what they are - emotionaly blackmailing threats that have no basis in reality.

I hope that WA are able to help you see that you are doing very much the right thing for yourself and your DC, and that it helps you realise how completely shit your position was in that relationship, and how abusive he was (and still will be given half a chance) to you all.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 21/05/2014 19:04

Thanks everyone I really hope I can get in to that headspace I really do, its like a feeling of impending doom and I hate it. I thought saying that eventually he could have 2 overnights on the nights before having a day off I was being fair but maybe im not or at least he probably doesn't think so. The saddest thing is ds has barely mentioned him and hasn't asked to see him at all not sure if that is normal though? He actually lashing out aside seems brighter.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/05/2014 20:44

"he always maintained he would "fight me for dc" so wht this silence."

That's definitely part of the script.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 21/05/2014 22:23

lweji its just unnerving me that its gone all quiet. Why not get a solicitor 1st thing Monday and get access sorted I dont understand id walk over hot coals to keep my dc and make sure they are happy. Just worried about what may happen and the effects it will have on ds Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/05/2014 07:16

I've just read back through the thread and I wonder if you've done the same thing recently? On many occasions you've expressed fear about 'what he's going to do when/if... ' a particular thing happens. Aside from the early impotent frothing and stamping, you'll see that he's done none of the things you're frightened of.

Doesn't stop you worrying of course but I think, eleven days on, you've handled this very well, reduced his options & discovered that he is all bark and no bite. As others have said, take some confidence from that and try to think about other things now - happier things - than obsessing about what he may or may not do.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 22/05/2014 09:23

cog your right but I just cant shake the fear that he will do something to make my life miserable or difficult and I have no doubt he is playing the victim to his family/friends. His family are not usually ones to let things go either and absolutely no back lash is worrying me Sad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 22/05/2014 11:55

It will take you time to get over the conditioning that you've had from him anyway - but I think you're right to be a little wary. It's generally a good plan to expect the worst from the ex, because you're rarely disappointed - but that's usually when they leave. In your case, the worst you could expect is very scary for you indeed - and that is why you absolutely have to understand that your relationship was indeed abusive and to let WA help you. Have they been yet? Or are you still waiting for them to turn up?

It is quite possible that he thinks you're going to come back with your tail between your legs, and that's why there's no backlash yet - maybe they're just waiting for you to cave in (which of course is never going to happen!)

Try to stop focusing on him and what he's doing though. You'll find out soon enough, don't borrow trouble ahead of time, just focus on yourself and your DC and getting yourselves sorted. :)

Lweji · 22/05/2014 12:18

I can relate to what you are feeling. I did expect a lot worse from exH.
I still do, TBH.

But it pays to stand your ground and continue your life.

Every thing you worry about it's a victory for him. Don't let him win. :)

Original poster
notmakingsense · 22/05/2014 12:42

Thanks thumbwitch lweji they are due to come in about 10 mins or so and im really nervous about talking to them for some reason I keep expecting someone to tell me im overreacting or well that's not that bad especially since ive always seemed quite strong to most.

Nothing from his side so far today so I have to assume he does not want to see the dc this week as I feel its now a bit short notice for the weekend to be honest though perhaps a solicitor would disagree since it will be a week today since he has seem them. Im due to be working tomorrow but if no word soon will need to take an emergency holiday as dc are not at school due to elections Confused I did think ex would have wanted them as I believe he is off work fri-sun but like I said no word.

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/05/2014 13:37

I suspect he expects you to chase him regarding contact, as he knows you want it for your DC.
Let him do the leg work, as you are.

captainmummy · 22/05/2014 13:57

OP - you are not overreacting.

And it is not 'nothing'

And even IF it was, you are allowed to want to NOT BE in the relationship - you don't need an excuse to leave it. You do not have to stay in a relationship just because it is 'ok', or even if it is 'good'. You can leave for any or no reason if you want to.

Hope the WA can reassure you.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/05/2014 14:11

I hope you are talking to Womens Aid now and they are helping you come to terms with this.
You have come so very far and done so well in protecting your DC.
Stay strong.

Thumbwitch · 22/05/2014 15:17

You know, since you said your DS hasn't asked about your H and hasn't asked to see him, I really wouldn't push the contact thing at all. After all, it's meant to be in the interest of the child to see their father/NRP - if the child has no wish to do so, then I don't see the point of forcing them into it. Certainly as your DS seems to hold his father in some aversion! And their father has no "right" to see them - it's the children's rights that are paramount.

Hope WA have been helpful. xx

AcrossthePond55 · 22/05/2014 17:41

Thumb makes a very good point. Let your son lead. Be sure he knows it's ok with you that he see his dad (kids get strange ideas sometimes, he may think it's not ok). If he should ask you to call his dad or tell you he wants to see him, I'd contact stbx. Otherwise let sleeping dogs lie.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 22/05/2014 20:44

They more or less just listened to me today and said what you all already told me Blush and told me about the support they could offer ds but said to let them know once he had a place at new school as they already do some work in there. They have made me a follow up appointment at their office for next week.

Yes I will take my cues from him and did in the initial 1st few days tell him he could talk to daddy whenever he wanted but should maybe say this again. Im just so worried that he is going to spring something big on me Sad

OP posts:
GarlicMayonnaise · 23/05/2014 00:47

Each day that passes is a better day so far :) Brilliant that WA will be on hand for DS! Well done on making your follow-up appointment with them.

Not going too badly, is it? Flowers

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