I've left please hold my hand

[notmakingsense]

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt

You are all right it just feels or im imagining anyway that he is using the solicitors letter to further his poor me campaign "she wont even talk about access only through solicitor" and can well imagine he will drag me through the courts with all sorts of lies he appears to be a fun life and soul of the party always up for a laugh etc and when things were good they were good but I was always worried that if I disagreed with something or had a different approach or opinion then I was stupid or at if not told this atbleast made to feel it he could make me feel about 2 inches tall though claimed he didn't know he made me fell that way and was hurt that I felt he was abusive (this was the last time we spoke before I got solicitors involved) I know I keep going on about it but it makes me feel like I am somehow overreacting

Go ahead and keep going on here.
Yes, it's easy to feel we are overreacting. But you are not.
Even if you were, it doesn't matter. If you are not capable to face him and discuss contact (and there's no law that you have to), then you are not. In any case, it is the best way to make sure abusers don't continue to abuse their victims. And if he was a good person, it wouldn't matter anyway if it was through a solicitor or not.

You know, love, you've lived with his temper so long that I think you've fallen into the habit of judging everything by 'will this set him off and what can I do to avoid that?' I know, because I lived that life. Everything, from breaking an egg to buying a different brand of ice cream because they were out of his favorite causes you to try and second guess what to do to avoid a blowup. It's an insidious habit created by our need for peace at any price.

It's a hard habit to break since it's rooted in our need to survive. Frankly, it took me counseling to do it. Start by asking yourself if the action you're taking is what YOU want for yourself or DCs or because you're trying to smooth stbx over or avoid making him mad. Remember, his temper is no longer your problem. You have a place where you & DCs can shut the door with him & his temper outside and you all safe inside.

lweji across your right now I think about I planned our meals to suit what he liked bought the brands he wanted and almost always asked what he wanted for dinner rather than just making whatever unless of course that was his answer!

I can recall a time that I was putting ds to bed and dd was getting grouchy and he shouted through when are you putting her to bed didn't think to do it himself. Then once id used a pasta sauce that was supposed to be smooth but wasnt so he didn't like his dinner

One thing I remember from after XH2 and I split - standing in Sainsbury's, bewildered by choice, realising that I'd forgotten what I liked! We hadn't even been married that long - just a few years - but I'd completely overwritten my own tastes, because his demands were so precise. I went a bit mad on things like duck à l'orange, exotic veg and fancy bread.

After my dad died, Mum spent six months eating curries

But it's more than food, isn't is? Locked keys in car? Oh God, let me call Auto Club whatever you do don't call him, you'll never hear the end! Kids broke something? Oh God can I hide/replace/make up a story/take the blame so they don't catch hell. Searching his face the second he walks in the door to gauge his mood. Do I need to get the kids out of his way? Is there dirt on something he'll pick a fight about?

I am so glad I don't live like that any more! The 1st h I kicked to the curb. My current DH saw the error of his ways & went to counseling. Things are great now, but it was a long row to hoe!

Yeah I did cover for ds a few times saying id broken something and I remember him going mad as ds had been playing with something which then wouldn't work resulting in ds having nit 1 but 2 things taken from him as well as shouted at till in tears then me getting I in neck gor giving ds a cuddle as while yes maybe he had broken it but it wasn't deliberate

I have to go to work today and have been awake since 5.30 with my paranoid thoughts of ex trying to take dc he hasn't attempted this so far so why would he now but it goes round in my head

Do not worry about your anxiety and being on ADs. This shouldn't come into it but if it did the fact that you went to the GP about it and are treating it would go in your favour! It's nothing terrible that he can use against you honestly.

Your mutual friends may well be trying to sit on the fence in case you get back together. Even though you know this wont be happening they don't. I'd not socialise with them for now, and maybe think of a set stock phrase for if they get in touch that makes it clear you wont be reconciling with him because of his abusive behaviour.

If you haven't read the Lundy book "why does he do that" then do order it off amazon - it's a real eye opener.

Why does the car need a time and day arranged??? Can he not park it outside and post the keys through the door?? You have 2 little dcs and need the car, get it back ASAP.

Really push tomorrow to get some local DV support. Try women's aid and ask for local branch but also ring your local council as they sometimes have their own department, and also call 101 and ask if they have any support workers. You can also ask 101 that your parents address have a marker put on it. That way IF he does come around and gets out of hand you can call and they will come quicker knowing there is a back story of abusive behaviour.

Since your parents don't want to push the issue of the car, then I suggest you get your solicitor to say you want it back by Wednesday latest (parked outside with keys posted through your parents' door is a good plan) or you will report it stolen. That should shift him!

yourhandinmyhand would they really be interested though? I mean he never hit me and the shouting was more so at ds for me it was far more subtle passive aggressive and making me feel like I was wrong unless I agreed with him and obviously me being anxious ds would do something he didn't like as id then have an upset ds and angry oh. I can still barely believe ive let this happen and not seen it before no wonder ds doesnt stand up to the other boys at school I should have been doing it at home more often.

The only behaviour that was obvious to all was the laziness and friends had commented on it before. Im just feeling scared about what will happen this week when his solicitor contacts mine as he may well make it look like im blocking access as I dont want to see him, but then if he wanted to see dc why not have his aunt call my solicitor re that rather than the car! Yes it wasnt him who called them but his aunt.

" Im just feeling scared about what will happen this week" this is why your local DV or Women's aid will be interested in helping you.

I guess im still coming to terms with the fact that the way he acted was abusive I mean I can bow see he is a c**t but compared to others who have been hit or verbally abused every day its far more subtle and wasn't often shown in front of others or at least not towards me he did shout at ds while at friends but again the worst of that there were no other adults present for, my ds had been up with friends dc playing in room when we heard him crying went to see what was wrong minor silly thing but he was upset so I comforted him ex said "youd better get him to stop crying or Im going to lose it"

But op - there may be varying degrees of abuse, but it's all abuse. One man shouting, another beating the crap put of, one man financially controlling, another belittling, demeaning... it's all abuse and WA can help.

And the behaviour towards your ds is disgusting. Don't forget to mention all of that to your solicitor; it may help towards contact agreement. That is also abuse. He most certainly couldn't expect daily contact if he threatens to 'lose it' with ds. Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not the parent!

Thanks captainsmummy the behaviour towards ds is what drove me to leave in the end as I didn't want him to live like that but now while my family are being supportive I feel like others will think im either making it up or making a mountain out of a molehill as I have solicitor etc involved.

Im doing my best but often wonder what should I be doing now what will be ex next move. When do I get to a stage where I can relax?

Read Lundy Bancroft's book - this will help you realise you are right and stop all this self doubt.

Sadly I suspect you will never be able to relax properly because he'll still be a bastard, in contact with the children, or avoiding contact.
But you can only prepare for the worst he can throw at you. Don't worry too much until the time comes to face it.
Enjoy your children for now and his absence.

miggsie I will look into getting it.

*lweji I know your right but I just seem constantly on edge just now waiting for the next move its like im in some sort of twisted game when all I want is calm and stability for my dc and for me.

Right now you ARE in a 'game', a very strategic game called divorce. More strategic even than chess, because your future is at stake, so is his. But it is a 'game' worth 'playing', all the same. There will be strategic moves & counter moves until you reach a stalemate, rather than checkmate, because I think most divorces end up with neither party completely satisfied. But let the lawyers plan & carry out your strategy, with input from you.

Again, you are also on edge because you are used to living life on tenterhooks, trying to keep ahead of his temper. Remember, you have a door now that can be firmly shut in his face if he starts to go off on you or dcs.

The peace & stability will come later, after all the legalities are over. Finances, custody, & visitation will be sorted & you'll have court orders to fall back on to keep him in line. Try to remember that there IS a rainbow after the rain.

That door is very important and your home is your sanctuary, wherever you're in.
You can close the door on him, you can read his messages when you are ready or just give them to someone else.

And as far as the game goes, always ask for more than you expect or think it's fair and you may well end up with exactly that or more.

across we are not married thankfully and I hate the way things are had he backed off and accepted 2 overnights a week there would have been no need for solicitors but after following us to park I just dont feel safe

I hope the fact that you aren't married will help move things along. Not a lot of joint assets to divide up then. Wouldn't there still at least be child support & visitation to be settled in court? The philosophy here is along the lines of 'get it in writing' especially who has primary physical custody. Here each parent has equal rights to a child absent court orders. So a parent can refuse to return a child & there is nothing anyone can do other than start lengthy legal proceedings.

across thats why ive gone through solicitors I want it in black and white will be happening with dc I have been their main carer all their lives and hope that will count for something my poor ds would be in bits if made to live with ex he is understandably a mummys boy infact so is dd to be fair always looked to me for comfort too. Child support will need to be worked out too but its the dc I just want settled in to a routine and whats best for them if I was being selfish id want them to only be with me but know dc have to see their dad too and im not trying to stop that just get sensible arrangements in place. Ds will need for overnights to be worked up to gradually I think as his confidence with ex is low

notmakingsense yes they will take you seriously. My ex was "only" emotionally abusive too, I was offered a room at the refuge that very same night and cried in shock at the realisation of how serious it all was.

Being controlling, verbally nasty, emotionally abusive - walking on eggshells is no way to live and he KNEW he was behaving badly because he only did it in private!

You are right to want visiting arrangements set out, you are very wise to get solicitor involved so don't feel bad about it.

yourhandinmyhand I think I am still in shock if im honest. Just spoke to my local womens aid and they are coming out to see me on thus were very understanding I could actually cry and I dont even know why I need to do it for my ds sake as they have a childs service to help him and will help me hopefully with the self doubt that im overreacting

They will help, and what you're feeling is totally normal