I've left please hold my hand

[notmakingsense]

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt

Yes, you really need to cut that feed! Ugh, that would make me need the 'sick bucket' for sure! Amazing how he sees himself, isn't it?

I don't fb, but can't you just unfriend him?

happy birthday to ds!

Yy to cutting that feed - can you block him?

across captain that's what I want to do the only reason I haven't is to save the oh how petty is she cutting him off fb and I thought he may say that was another way Id stopped communication to prevent access to dc. I really wonder how he perceives himself and what he sees when he looks in the mirror

The crappy actions from him and his family continue though got back to cards put through door for him with a note in the one from his mother that said hope you've had a nice birthday all your presents are with daddy he will give you them when he sees you. So would have they had said that to him had they caught us in and one from him with more soppy poems and saying to my special wee guy love and miss you everyday but I will not be reading that last line out to ds bo way it feels alot like emotional blackmail to me through ds or am I wrong?

Thanks for all the birthday wishes he has been spoiled!!

I wouldn't think unfriending would be taken any way other than another step in separating your two lives. He doesn't need to see your posts either. Especially as the time passes & you begin socializing and then dating again. Fb has always seemed to me like living your life in your front garden. Everyone can see what you're doing.

I'm sure his family is anxious to promote contact for DS with your stbx. After all, he will be their main conduit to their nephew/grandson. Right now you are happy to include them in his life, but the birthday celebration is an example of how there will be some distancing, how DS will have two families to be a part of. I think they just want to be sure to be a part of his life. How many times do you hear about families where an ex remarries or gets angry & cuts off contact? It's new for them, too. I'd cut them a little slack until they do something really egregious.

Remember this is new to you, too. There will be questions and puzzlements as you define your new life.

I cant imagine FB being put forward to a court as being 'contact'! Esp since it is not 'contact' with ds, but contact with you. Def you need to reduce contact between you and dp. Defriend off fb. And be careful what photos and info you put on there. (as always)

Re the pomes, and outpourings of emotion - keep them for when he is older. They belong to ds really. But yes it looks like they knew that they would not find you in, and used a bit of emotional blackmail to put their point across. Tough. As Across says, ds now has 2 families to be part of. You don't need to be part of his family with his father. At least you've got another year before you will need to rethink his birthday - in a year, you may be far enough along to be able to arrange a 'joint' get-together, everyone should know where they stand by then, with regard to access/contact.

across your right but it just felt like to put a note like that in a 6 year olds card was a bit much they could have said will give you presents when we see you but the they are with daddy thing really ticked me off.

captain Here's hoping things get easier for ds sake but ex and family would need to stop the emotional games

It was, you're right and it probably would have earned them an 'eyeball roll' from me, too. But maybe it was more out of fear or embarrassment than childishness. Or maybe 'he' put them up to it as a way to guarantee he'd see ds? If he's pulling the 'woe is me' & tears with them it may have been too much for his mother & sister to say no.

I do agree with captain that you may need to censor notes/poems/conversations involving your ds that are too emotional or manipulative. He's only 6 and it's not right for his father to play on that! Nothing wrong with love you, miss you, but tears & over-emotional poems and notes are unfair to the little guy. Especially if those are things he hasn't had from his father before. Right now he needs what you are giving him; hugs, kisses, & calm words of love.

across that's it he wasn't like that with him before so starting now seems like just another form of gaining sympathy and or manipulation which I'm beginning to see he is a master at! I don't want my poor ds being used as a way to do that. Can breathe a bit and relax this weekend as he is away to a friends for the weekend a good 2.5 hours away

Good, you can have a nice weekend.

I think it's a case of 50% 'never want a drink of water until the well runs dry' and 50% 'poor, pitiful me' with him & ds.

God notmakingsense my H sounds exactly like yours. I'm about to instigate the split and it sounds like we're talking about the same person. He's never raised his voice or a hand to me, but is so controlling and critical that I reached a tipping point a few months ago, and have had enough. I'm worried about how I'll afford to be on my own with the DCs, and how he will react when I tell him. He knows I'm disengaging, and tells me that I'm cold, frigid, depressed and splitting up the family. I'll be watching this and your other thread with interest. Sending you and a

across you may be right im just going with looking for sympathy I don't want to in anyway let myself feel sorry for him so remaining suspicious of motives at all times if that makes sense? I'm too soft otherwise.

youcandroptheattitude I'm so sorry your in a similar position. I didn't find cab to be much help but womens aid are great and will give you refuge i've been lucky and went to my parents but even now they say I can have refuge if my living situation becomes strained. Do you work? I got my hours increased to 16 and it makes a huge difference to tax credits. How many dc do you have? If you want pm and I will tell you what tax credits they are saying I will get? Hope you are ok the support on here is incredible so do use it.

I won't get tax credits, I've got a reasonably well paid job, working 4 days a week, but I want to stay in my house. Our house is mortgaged, but we also own a flat outright (no mortgage) which we rent out.

I'm planning to see a lawyer for a free initial consultation, just to see what my rights are - whenever we discuss our 'relationship' or lack of, he tells me that if I'm the one who ends the marriage, I need to leave.

youcandroptheattitude i don't know much about rights in regard to mortgages etc but think ive read on here about an order that means if children are under 18 you get to remain in house? I had hoped to avoid the cost of a solicitor but what with ex turning up everyday telling me that he would be here everyday and that would be the new normal I felt I had to

attitude - that is something that annoys me so much; that the dH can be abuisive, controlling, alcoholic, whatever, but thye minute the dW has had enough, it is her who is 'breaking up the family'! And so often she falls for it, takes on that guilt, doubts herself...

Anyway - this idea that 'if you break up the marriage, you leave' is archaic! No, it doesn't go like that any more. If you intend to be the Primary carer of the dc, then you stay in the house, with them. He leaves.

Do get proper legal advice. Contact needs to be agreed, not just forced upon. What he says is not necessarily the way it must be!

sense hope you had a lovely weekend and are refreshed and smiling. I understand wanting to keep a healthy dose of suspicion in your circumstances. I have to admit my DH often refers to me as 'Pollyanna' and says that I'm too trusting of people's motives, too 'soft' like you. I guess it's just easier to trust than be suspicious, but in your situation, you are right, it wouldn't be wise. But it's good to know that eventually things will settle and you will be able to be more trusting. Maybe not of him, though!

attitude you keep your 'attitude'. Get legal advice and don't let him bully you. I was the one who 'broke up' my abusive first marriage. And I was the one who told him to gtfo. He tried to tell me to leave but I reminded him that we were living in MY hometown, where all MY family still lived, in a house next door to MY grandparents, that was owned by an old friend of MY family and I asked him that if push came to shove who did he think the landlady would let stay? And whose big brother and 10 male cousins would drop by to 'help' him move. As usual with men who are cowards at heart (as all abusers are) he left with tail between his legs. I still thank God on bended knee that we had no children.

across that's it I really don't like feeling like or being made out to be the one who broke up the family

So his mother has txt me today asking to take the dc to her friends gc birthday party on a sunday in around 2 weeks I have already said that until the legal side of things are sorted that I dont want them taking them out I said this only just over a week ago also I know that ex is off most sundays and that the likely friend it is the mum of the dc is friendly with ex im not buttined up the back

I know, I know. It's a more 'peaceful' feeling to just be able to trust that people are who they present themselves to be, isn't it? Especially for those of us who already worry about things needlessly. It's like 'Well, here's one MORE thing I'm going to have to worry about!'. LOL. As far as being the one who broke up the family, I know you know in your heart that that just isn't true. And although he may be trying to convince himself (and/or others) otherwise the truth WILL out!

As far as the invite, you certainly have the right to know the name of the friend she wants to take them to see. And the right to veto it!

across exactly I want to trust that people will not lie, mislead or try to scheme me but I know that I cant just now especially his family and as they are likely being manipulated too! Ex only worked 1 Sunday a month when we were together so I think there's a good chance he would be there plus id already said until an agreement re access was arranged via solicitors I didn't want them taking kids out how much plainer can I say it?

Next dilemma father's day do I/should I post a card to him? I don’t want to but should I?

I have solicitor tommorow so my thoughts are that I will say its ok for him to have dc on his days off and 1 weekend a month but a maximum of 2 overnights a week and that these would most likely have to be built up to with ds. I want to include that dc will be unavailable on the dates of the pre split holiday we booked to go with my parents and that special arrangements will need to be made for things like Christmas and dc birthdays as him being off that day doesn't mean he automatically has them. Does that sound ok? Fair even?

I'd say yes to the card. After all it's from ds, not you. But I'd pick the least mushy, most 'generic' card I could find. Also, it does make you look good as far as any legal stuff goes.

I think your schedule sounds reasonable.

Well wish me luck solicitors in 20 mins

Solicitors went ok he is very straight to the point just wanted facts no emotion so will say contact may have to be built up to overnight stays as especially since its been over a month since he seen them and he hasn't contacted me wanting or trying to arrange access though had tp say obviously I haven't been chasing him.

The new development is ds school has called to say that ex is requesting a meeting with head teacher but they do not know what for and called me to inform me and ask if he is allowed to take ds from school I obviously said no still in hands of solicitors so if he did try delay and I will be right round. I know its likely to get at me and only for school reports etc but it has shaken me im worried he will try to take ds or that he will make out im a bad mother. He hasn't asked me about either dc since ds 1st day and I told him how he got on. Am I worried about nothing? What should I do?

First - well done on the solicitor. Overnight access should be worked up to, it is for dc benefit, after all, and is a big step. Don't worry about you 'not chasing him' - you are not supposed to be chasing him to arrange contact; it will not look good for him if he hasn't bothered to arrange his own dates or contact you. He is an adult, and it is not up to you to arrange his contact with his own children.

Re school -make sure they know that only you are authorised to collect dc; he is entitled to their reports etc but if he tries to remove dc the school must either contact you or call police. They will help you. Don't worry about him 'making you out to be an unfit mother' - they do not go by what he says. Nobody does. They are well aware of the nature of these problems.

Don;t worry.

Sounds like the sol is a good one. I like professionals who just lay it out for you. I agree with captain you don't need to 'request' that he see the children, that's up to him.

As far as the school (and remember I'm going on US law, not UK!) absent a custody order either parent (married or no) is entitled to remove the child from the school. I would check with the sol on that unless, of course, you already know differently.

As far as the meeting, do you think the head will tell you what went on? This 'meeting' may also be something to bring up to the sol, if you find out he was trying to make a negative impression of the situation. On one hand I can see where a parent should be able to discuss their child with their school in confidence, on the other hand, not to be allowed to 'drip poison'. But I'm sure the school knows YOU and that you are a good and loving mother. They would be suspicious in this situation if he were to go in and drip poison about you. However, unless the school asked you not to, I'd probably find a way to let him know you know about the meeting. That may make him reconsider what he says.

Personally, I think it's a sneaky thing to do, in keeping with his character. I'm sure he'll just give them his 'sob story'. Maybe he'll read the head one of his famous Facebook poems!

Thanks captain yes I hope they can see through him! He is very good at talking people round though so that is a bit worrying.

across I think that he could remove him from school legally as he is on birth certificate but I have spoken to school who Said that they would delay him and call me I'm only 5 minutes away so could be there quickly apart from when at work but then my mum could be there quickly too. I have said unti access agreement is arranged that only me or my mum are to pick ds up both office and head teacher said they would stick to this.

Have had a quick conversation with the head teacher who said that the only information she has is that he wants to come in to see her "so in the event he gains access she will know who he is" quite why this requires a meeting rather than a quick intro when he does gain access i dont know and yes I do think its sneaky he could have emailed me if he wanted to be put on mailing list and I would have done so as well as letting him know how he is getting on etc but my feelings are that he will be there to get info and find out that yes ds is still sometimes upset going in so therefore him being upset while going into school while we were still together wasn't his fault but in all honesty it was partly down to ex and he is less upset at his new school plus its normal id think for him to be a bit like that while settling in? The main thing is he doesn't want to be away from me which is to do with the way ex was with him id think and my being his comfort. My head hurts wondering why the sudden interest

Sudden interest in the child, no. Sudden interest in making himself look like a martyr, yes. I agree that a 'meeting' is overkill now & I'm sure it'll be more than a quick 'how d'ye do?'. But on the other hand, they'll also know 'who he is' now if he does try to pick him up before the access agreement is done.

I'm sure ds is settling in but of course there will be emotional times for him, that's only to be expected. In the best of circumstances a change of schools can be that way for any child. If 'he' wants to interpret that to absolve him from blame, whatever, right? Although he probably feels he is blameless to begin with. Pfft!