I've left please hold my hand

[notmakingsense]

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt

No I think that's reasonable - 2 days a week, and every 4 weeks those 2 days will be the weekend. That's if that's what your DS wants to do - I know he's below the age of having a legal say, but really this is where you have to be his advocate and make sure he's not going to be utterly distressed by the overnight at the weekend. At their ages, 2 whole days away from Mummy could be a bit drastic for them, especially as he's not exactly patient with them! I'd start by agreeing the 2 days a week and seeing how they go with that, and consider progressing to overnights at a later stage when things are more settled.

And no, I don't think you're being petty about the possibly 2-faced friends. You need to keep things close to your chest and if you can't trust them then they're no good to you at the moment - just try not to burn bridges completely.

If you've explained to these 'friends' and they've said they're behind you then proved they aren't then they really weren't friends they were 'people you hung out with', iyswim. I'm glad you do have a couple of true friends in rl that you can confide in.

I agree with thumb that visitation should be lead by the dcs as much as possible. Things can always adapted later if you feel they want to or should spent more time with their father.

Thanks thumb across glad im not being totally unreasonable I think since he rarely had a day where it was just him and ds he will find it hard. Dd is too young to really object to anything he did have her once a week on his own while I worked but even at that I would usually come home to her in same vest she had slept in unless id changed her before I went to work and even then her bottom half was often left off perhaps he will be a better parent now he has to do it himself instead of just shoving her in her cot if crying till she falls asleep so he can go online gaming and leaving it all to me the rest of the time.

Why do I still feel a bit sad? I find that I wish things weren't how they are mostly because I know I will have to be apart from dc for at least some of the time and because they wont have an intact family unit and the upbringing I had but then mu dad is alot different.

Oh Sense - it's completely normal to feel sad that the "happy ever after" family that you hoped to have is falling apart. But the "happy ever after" often isn't reality, but fairy tale - and you have to deal with the reality as it is.

I had a friend who was desperate to keep her little family unit together because her own Dad had left when she was 13; but her other half was an abusive wanker when he was drunk, and she ended up leaving him, even though it nearly broke her heart to do so. But she did it because she had to keep her 2 DC safe.

Does your H change your DD's nappy regularly enough? If not, then I'd be very wary about him having her overnight.

sense you are sad for the loss of the dream, not the man. And that's perfectly normal. I think I'd be more worried if you were all cold & bottled up inside. But you are a caring woman who regrets that things didn't turn out as they should have, if HE had been as he should have been.

thumb I honestly don't know she has and still has nappy rash alot as she is teething but id say around 90% of the times I came home from work she was due a nappy change conveniently enough.

Yeah its the happy family unit im sad about and I guess I feel responsible for that as im the one who picked him had dc with him and stayed for so long. Im not good at saying no and when I do I worry about it for example his mum and sister are coming to visit the dc tommorow and I txt them to both to preempt any casual mention to ds about taking him out as I dont feel happy with that till access with ex is sorted then spent ages worried to look at my phone its ds birthday this week and im dreading an email or txt ftom ex to ask to see him as will feel I cant say no but as its a school day it would them limit or stop the plans I have to take him out for dinner.

We see what we want to see, lovely. And he showed you what he wanted you to see for as long as it took to 'rope you in'. My first never raised his voice nor his fist until AFTER we were married. And I'd known him for 6 years (2 dating)! That's a long time to 'hold a pose'. My friend's husband hid drugs and EA from her, too, for the 3 years they dated. I think the combination of our 'rose coloured glasses' and their 'eye on the prize' was a deadly combination for all of us. Once they get that ring on your finger or get your life so entwined with theirs that it's hard to get away, then they think it's OK to relax & show you who they really are. You aren't 'responsible' for anything. It was what it was & you based your decision on what you knew of him then.

My, you are a worrier! I had to admit I smiled a tiny smile, because you are doing the exact same thing I would have done. I can remember unplugging the phone & putting it in a drawer because I was dreading a phone call. One that never came.

And no one says you must cancel plans for him, in fact it would set a bad precedent if you did. Remember "I'm sorry, that won't work for us, we already made plans for ds's birthday that night. What other night will work for you?". You aren't saying 'no' (not that there's anything wrong with that), you are saying 'not then'. Apples/oranges.

across your right of course but im still very wary of rocking the boat before access is all agreed via solicitors. As it turns out the letter to make an appointment with mine didn't come till friday and I was working so they were closed by time I got in and I have lots on so the only day I could do was Thursday in between school run and dd getting her vaccines but my solicitor is in court with another client end of week so will be a week today likely so maybe another couple weeks before thats in place. Ive asked about 3 times will that make me look bad should I cancel something and he put it quite plainly that it took 2 weeks almost to get a response to my initial letter so no its fine plus I should not be rushing around or cancelling plans to suit ex but im still worried I will be seem as dragging my feet what do you think?

Next dilemma its one of those 'friends' birthdays soon and she txt to ask me to hers but I would need to ensure she hadnt asked ex though I cant see it as of the 2 she was least friendly with him but im not sure I want to go finding it hard to even want to talk to them if im honest as 1 of them seems to be falling for his woe is me shite

Re. the friend - I'd say that things are a bit too up in the air for you to make a firm commitment just yet, sorry. That gives you the wriggle room you need to see if you can work out more about where she stands and who is going. You might end up being "exhibit A" at the party where people are all asking how you are, what's happening, how's it going, why did you leave etc. etc. - although it would give you a chance to put your side of the story en masse so might be worth considering, if your friend can reassure you that the H won't be there!

Re. the solicitors - it will take as long as it takes. You have commitments, the solicitor has commitments, your DD needs her jabs, you are prioritising things properly - and your solicitor has even tried to reassure you that it's ok so SETTLE DOWN! :)

yes thumb I will try to settle down.

So the visit went ok in as much as his mother and sister only stayed about an hour but they asked him more than once oh what are you doing for your birthday and where are you going to eat luckily all ds said was dont know and I said oh its a surprise was a bit about them quizzing him tbh.

Had a couple txts from the 1 'friend' in particular Im not sure I trust and a couple missed calls but I cant bring myself to speak to her just now which will no doubt mean she will get bitchy with me. How would I say she needs yo decide where her loyalty lies without sounding like a petulant school girl?

I guess that his mother and sister have been primed to find out what your plans are for DS's birthday so that they can tell your H. Whether because he just wants to know, or he would try and disrupt them, I don't know. Maybe he was planning on "just showing up" and then you'd have to let him stay or cause a massive scene and upset DS on his birthday. (Most likely scenario, actually)

The friend: text her back. Say something along the lines of "I'm really sorry, my head's full of other stuff at the moment, I'm having to be very careful about what I'm doing and who I'm speaking to because of H. Hope you understand."

That way you haven't actually asked her to pick sides, but you've given the hint that you don't want to spend time with someone who might let all your news out to him.
But, if you're convinced that she's likely to "get bitchy" with you, then she's no friend in the first place so just let it go.

thumb that's what I thought too though I could be wrong.

My thinking is that even txting that will lead to 'you don't trust me' and or 'we are here for you but don't want to get involved' I wish just ignoring her would mean she would take the hint and go away but knowing her it wont and then it will be another person to bad mouth me doesn't seem to matter that they have seen him roaring at ds which makes me sad.

Text her and say 'sorry to be a bit unavailable but I have lots going on, with Ds birthday and other stuff. Will catch up soon.' And leave it at that.

captain I wish that would work but having not got back to her yesterday I now have a messenger message asking why im not getting back to her ffs if she was in my shoes I would never have even considered sitting on the fence or supporting her oh as she has been my friend for much longer I just feel a bit betrayed if im honest but that would go down like a lead balloon

What about a simple "I would like to come but things being the way they are, I really don't want to be around H."? She would either have to tell you he's not coming or say sorry, maybe another time. You aren't asking them to make a choice, you are making the choice that's right for you.

If you do go or talk to her and she asks questions, you simply say "Right now it's all so mixed up & painful I'd really rather not talk about it.". A real friend says "OK, I'm here when you're ready". If she pushes for confidences then I'd probably cool the friendship.

It is rather schoolyard-ish, you know, this friends/divorce thing. Too bad the courts can't decide who gets 'custody' of which friends!

I agree that MiL & SiL were probably trying to find out birthday plans, to what ends, who knows. I also agree that H would have probably made a surprise appearance. But, maybe they were just angling for an invite, themselves. I'm sure in 'other days' they probably would have been invited. All part of getting used to the 'new normal' for them.

Sense - would a quick message saying "I'm a bit up against it at the moment, not really up for talking" cover enough bases that she would leave you be? Or is she really rhino-hided?

across that will work most likely with the friend whoms birthday it is yes I need to know as get togethers usually means id have dc there too.

thumb complete rhino hind tbh and im beginning to think more faces than facebook too! But the birthday friend and her are different people but part of the same group ifykwim.

Right id better find my backbone and txt back I suppose

Well im in the middle of the dreaded pick a side convo I didn't want to have but as petty as it is thats essentially what it boils down to isnt it of course im getting the of course we are behind you we are only civil to him wouldn't ignore him but that's not the impression they give so have laid it on the line that the way he was hurt me and if the shoe were on the other foot I wouldn't have anything to do with whoever had hurt them even in passing am I asking too much?

No, you are asking for what is right for you. And everyone has that right. They have the right to either side with you and cut contact or not. What you have to do is be willing to accept whatever they decide.

It's hard, especially for a married couple. Most times the wife will want to side with the woman & the husband will side with the man (at least at first) because that's who they hang out with. It may be that the friendships you've had may cool for awhile, but later on be rekindled. Your H has probably not shown them his really bad side, but eventually (now that he doesn't have you to take his temper out on) they'll probably see it.

Thanks for this thread not makingsense.
I'm on the verge of leaving (solocitor's appt. tomorrow) and then I plan to contact letting agent about the house I viewed yesterday.
Reading your story is like reading a diary

jellie im so sorry your in the same position as me it sucks!! If it helps pm anytime it has helped so much getting support on here I dont know id have built the confidence to leave if I didn't or that id still be going tbh so a huge thank you to everyone please stick around you are really really helpful!

across well they have both said that they are with me and will 'cut him out' if thats what I need to heal one has said right ive spoken to him on fb and taken him off it yeah cause that will have helped things no end god they even manage to make saying they are on my side somehow an ordeal when it really shouldnt be should it? Could they not simply have stopped returning fb messages etc fgs sorry been a long day and im feeling a but tender dont know why I care what she has said to ex or what he will now be saying about me its ds birthday tommorow so really need to go put up his banner and balloons for the morning

Well at least you've laid your cards on the table, Sense and that's going to be a good thing in the end. Keep them at a bit of a distance, just to be on the safe side - she sounds like she wants to be "in the middle of things", iykwim, and you don't want someone to do that for you, not really, because they can start to embellish or twist things, sometimes quite unintentionally but just to make themselves look like they know more than they really do.

Happy Birthday for your DS - hope you manage to have a lovely day for him. xx

Well, just monitor the situation, 'trust but verify'. I wouldn't blurt out all my secrets just yet, but do let them have the chance to prove their loyalty & to be supportive of you. I think you are perceptive enough to pick up on things if they are trying to 'run with the hares & hunt with the hounds'.

Maybe it's a good thing she let him know why. He needs to learn that actions have repercussions over and above the breakup. That people (friends) also will 'break up' with you if they learn that your behaviour to your family isn't as it should be.

You are entitled to a wobble now and again, dearie. Really you are! Because you know that tomorrow you will pick up that lovely head, smile, and move into the future.

Happy, happy, joy, joy to your ds. Both of you have a wonderful day tomorrow. Take a moment for yourself to sit quietly and remember the first time you held him in your arms. It's a celebration day for you, too.

Thanks Notmakingsense. Might take you up on that a some point.

thumb thanks for ds birthday wishes and you are right that's my sneaking suspicion too otherwise why bother stirring it by telling him what she was going to do but then across maybe he should know why aww thats so nice looking at his newborn pics brings a tear to the eye.

Ex is posting tripe on fb again I dont see his posts but still get alerts when he does so going to need to figure out how to fix that! Another poem for his birthday but has lots of things like we read bedtime storys together erm when was that then?! And how ds is just like him I bloody hope not!