Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Struggling tonight - but not drinking and no intention to drink - feel low and down and depressed actually - :(

Really like that. Smell the flowers. And Guggenheim up thread talking about being softer and taking care of happiness. So true - and not remotely trite. Like gratitude lists. Just accepting life/the moment etc rather than running like a hamster on a wheel and saying 'everything will be fine when….'. 'Life on life's terms' and all that.

Behaving irresponsibly without the booze is an interesting idea….. I suppose frankly just HAVING FUN (wouldn't have to be actually irresponsible) might do it. Putting ourselves first from time to time without feeling guilty. Allowing ourselves to even think/remember what we enjoy doing. I think we tend to bury that stuff as DCs' needs take priority/there is too much practical stuff to stay on top of. But maybe factoring a bit of that in too is just basic insurance policy?

Hmmm. More stream of consciousness. All I do know - for sure - is that I am bloody glad I am not sitting here the wrong side of a bottle of wine in charge of 2 young kids.

hi 70hours - just off to the bath the kids. keep talking and I will reply when I get back a bit later. Sorry you are feeling down. we're here.

Hello everyone. May I join you? I am a longtime lurker on this (and the BraveBabes) thread and am so, so in awe of your strength, your honesty and your kindness to one another. I am having huge problems steeling my courage to tell people in real life about the alcohol issues I'm battling, but you feel like such a safe and non-judgmental bunch that I think I am comfortable talking on here, if you will have me. It has taken me a long while to admit to myself that this is the place for me right now, rather than the Battle Bus - which has such a lovely vibe, but the licence it gives to ride periodically in the side car is the kind of latitude I can't deal with right now (though I love the image and I dream one day of being able to have a choice about whether or not to drink). Right now, though, I need to stop drinking, full stop, without any room for shades of grey (not the 50 kind, either). Goodness, how many times over the years have I told myself that. Writing it down now makes it seem more real, and gives me hope that maybe this time I really mean it and I really can do it.

I am on day 2 AF and the effort its taken me to get this far is scary. I have been really inspired by the posts on here over the last couple of weeks which are so eloquent and so insightful - and really touched a nerve and made me feel that the mental gyrations I go through on a daily basis, the deals I make with myself about drinking and the attempts I make to delude myself about the scale of my problem, are not unique to me. I feel less lonely reading them. I look forward to my morning commute, logging in and seeing how you are all doing. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for giving me the courage to start doing this.

I have been drinking too much for years. Like so many of you have said, in my twenties and early thirties this was largely social drinking, amongst friends doing exactly the same as me. Latterly, it has been mostly drinking at home, from lunchtime onwards (at the weekends) - all the usual shameful tricks (vodka in coke can, wine in travel mug) - and a bottle or two a night during the week. I don't think my work or home life has suffered too much, but I suspect I may be deluding myself. My kids are little and lovely, and I want and need to be there for them - not just half-present, with erratic mood-swings and always wondering how I can sneak another drink. I want to be energetic and enthusiastic at work rather than dragging my way half-competently through each day. I want not to snap at my poor DP, and to get my memory, my concentration, my energy back.

Right now I am feeling strong - but I have been here before. I am hoping writing it down will help. I am so tired, so hungry and so itchy!! I know that will pass. Right now I am not ready to admit to things in real life - I am too scared to tell my partner or to try AA, but that may well come. I need to start to do it by myself first. I have never been a self-help book kind of person but I have found some of the drinking memoirs helpful - I have read Drunk Mom recently and that really resonated - would you mind me asking for other recommendations along those lines? Apologies, I know there are some scattered upthread but I would really welcome a summary from anyone kind enough to give me their thoughts - plus any tips for how to deal with both the first few days of sobriety and then (touch wood) the bridge to the period where it becomes more normal and - from what some of you say - one starts to feel a bit bored. At the moment I am veering from taking it one day at a time (which I know is sensible) and then the next minute telling myself in grandiose terms that I'll never drink again - and I'm finding the mental ping pong very tiring! Any reflections from some of you clever veterans would be very much appreciated.

I am sorry that my first post is so long and whiny. I am grateful for the space to write it and have found doing so very cathartic. You really touched a nerve with the recent 'drinking to find space' comments and I think that is what has finally tipped me into trying to stop completely. It resonated so much. Tonight is the first night in weeks that I have had the house to myself and rather than finding space in drinking I have resolved to try to find that space in other ways - starting here. Thank you for giving me that courage.

Hi the scarf lady - I am new here too - on day 5 so only a few days ahead of you - I am sure other more wise ladies will be all g with better words of wisdom than me - I hope we can continue on this journey together. Am finding tonight hard but not caving in - just going to have a bath, brush my teeth and moisturise - (I never moisturise usually too drunk :(( )

Hello all new and old
You know, I gave up smoking for three years and KNEW I would never smoke again. Smuggy mcsmug, that was me. Until. One day. Fed up, bored, picked up a friends cigarette packet and was back on them straight away :(

It took me another three years to give up properly, and I still had a mini blip a couple of weeks ago.

It's the same with drinking. I'm not smuggy mcsmug about this because I know I may, just may fuck up one day. I'm trying to focus on how good I feel and how good my family feel. That and running of course .

It's one day at a a time (although I'm not an AA person) - which seems to then be one week at a time, one weekend at a time and just remembering that it was not nice, it was hell.

sorcha anniversary buddy . So sorry to hear you;re not having a great time :(

Love and strength x

Hi there, the scarf lady. A very warm welcome! I found your post honest and touching. You have done brilliantly to get this far and admit the extent of your problem to us and to yourself. Worry about RL and DP at a later stage, I say.

God, the wine in the travel mug….. A nasty reminder. I was trying to remember the other day how I used to justify my behaviour to myself - because clearly it wasn't normal or ok. At all. And the weird thing is I can't quite remember. I don't think I really allowed myself to look at it/question it too much. Just 'did' it. Which is odd, as I'm such an analytical person. Part of the insane thinking that tends to be part and parcel of it all…

I am hopeless on books, but am sure others will come up with a shortlist for you. I liked the look of the one someone mentioned about women's relationship with alcohol so might get that myself.

There is a really good AA booklet that I clung to like a limpet in the early days. Can't remember what it's called (sorry!), but it might be something like 'now you've stopped'. Basically, it has loads of techniques for how to go about life/social situations when you've just got sober. What to say when people offer you drinks etc. I was hugely hung up on that for ages so found it really useful. I am a big fan of AA and was SO relieved when I went to my first meeting and just heard all these other people saying things that I identified with. Was sort of awful (admitting that I was an alcoholic), but I'd known for ages that I had a major problem so actually the relief was the overwhelming feeling I got. So I'd definitely recommend you give it a try. Nothing awful happens, you don't have to 'join' anything. Can just lurk in the back and see if any of it makes sense.

But this thread is just wonderful too. Lots of wise, kind, similarly struggling women. So brilliant to realise you aren't alone ,I found. Anyway, well done on getting to this point. You won't regret it. It is worth it a million times over.

Hello, ScarfLady and 70hours! I'm glad you're both here. Never apologise for long heartfelt posts, they're the lifeblood of what we're doing here.

The trick right now is to be kind to yourself. Pretend you're an invalid; buy yourself some flowers, read or watch light fluffy things, go to bed early, cry if you want to. For me, this bit lasted about three weeks or so, and having the license to just eat or buy whatever I wanted to really, really helped.

Really interesting discussion here about the isolating effects of wine. Usually I hear that in a negative sense (my addict cut me off from my loved ones; I was hiding and sneaking and trapped in my secrets) but it seems like a lot of us used it deliberately. I absolutely did. When you haven't got a room of your own, you have to create one, I guess.

Talking of which: guggenheim you said I wish I had desk space never mind a room of my own- I know exactly what it would look like and what I would do when I escaped into it. Not sure I'd even let the sodding cat in

What would it look like? What would you do?

Good morning. So lovely to have you with us Scarflady and 70hours. :) I get so much out of everyone's thoughtful posts, so please keep posting.

Just a dash in and out to say hi this morning. Hope everyone has a great day.

Day 6 and still sleeping badly - :). Feeling rubbish about everything - here's hoping I will be on the up soon. Turtoise I am absolutely going to take your advice and spoil myself - I deserve it !!!!! Morning to everyone else and thank you all for the welcomes :)

Morning 70hours. It took me about a couple of weeks until my sleep settled down. Your body has to readjust and it will happen!

A coupe of weeks !!!! Gah !!!!!!!

Morning,

Thank you so much for just being willing to discuss relapse,a topic that's guranteed to stir up uncomfortable feelings! I need to state that I want and intend to get sober again and avoid the downfalls- this I'll call this round 2. So I am on day 5,round 2.

Yes,drinking to create space- wow! That rings true as do the comments about finding ways to behave irresponsibily. I feel very well today and am beginning to look better,now I must find a fun silly thing to do and allow myself to just do that.It's terrifying to think that 'silly' and 'fun' are the big things which stand between me and my sobriety- what an idiot!

70hours It really is worth hanging in there though- promise.
tortoise Hmmm...in a way it's good that I live in a tiny,tiny house. If I had that room of my own I would just use it to isolate and drink,which I suppose is the way my brain is wired. I'm learning very slowly,to change the way my brain works,so can I answer your question in a years time?

Happy sober day everyone- hope you find something daft to do today.

Wow. There is so much good stuff on here. I've actually logged on to my laptop to write (rather than my iPhone) as the thoughts and responses are flying around my brain too fast!

Welcome ScarfLady. What an eloquent first post. I feel all warm inside reading the lovely things you wrote about our little community here. I really find this thread so helpful. My commitment to other forums fizzled out a bit but this thread is a huge part of my sobriety/recovery.

Chips, we have a lot in common re: our DHs. Mine works away a lot, and I think I miss him dreadfully and need his help, but he always drives me mad when he's off. Things are hard work on my own with 2 DC but it kind of goes better. My DH can be a bit intolerant with DS and I don't feel like he's earned the right to get ratty, IYSWIM. I have that privilege after a long day with him!

I have work to do too, work that I want to do so I am finding half term a bit of a struggle. I crave a few days of just pleasing myself: running, reading, sleeping, getting stuck into my work. Oh well. That's why wine offered such an escape. I could be physically present but mentally somewhere far far away. Being sober is very tough, and raw. Something we're all finding lately it seems. Alcohol keeps us in a lovely little bubble; a metaphorical 'room of one's own'. And Allhail, you hit the nail on the head. Being drunk and hungover is the only time we can have a break, that we can 'clock out' without feeling guilty (until the next day). I'm finding super early nights curled up with my kindle and recovery books are now my me-time, as well as running.

I had a drinking dream last night. I was SO disappointed in myself as I was drinking. Such a relief to wake up and realise I hadn't done it.

70 hours, hang in there. The early days are hard. I have never felt so low in my life after the last binge. I felt so trapped and panicked, as though I knew there was no escape but to face the mess. I even felt suicidal at times. That was 12 weeks ago. I can't lie and say that everyday I feel joyous and at peace, but I do feel a million times better in every way, and I would not throw away this for the world. Keep reading, and keep posting.

Sorcha, hello. Lovely to know you're still here, but I'm sorry you're feeling low. Stay with us, share with us.

Everyone else, thanks for the book recommendations. I'm on The Happy Addict at the moment. And thank you for being here and being so supportive all the time.

PS I've just downloaded Drunk Mom. I'm a bit scared, as I think it will be a tough read for me. I still struggle with the fact that my babies were not enough to stop me drinking; in fact I think my drinking peaked when they were both tiny. Huge quantities of wine combined with crazy hormones and sleep deprivation was at times, a devastating combination.

Scarf, I've taken most of my book recommendations from this thread. I loved Lucy Rocca's two books in the early days. They just seemed to speak to me. Meredith Bell's 7 Days Sober was helpful, Rachel Black's books, Allan Carr and Jason Vale get you in the fighting spirit. If you have a kindle just treat yourself to all of them. I did. Wine money goes on Kindle books now, and I refuse to feel guilty as the more I read, the stronger I feel.

Thanks all for the support - I will hang on in - I am not craving a drink at all just sleep - feeling better today and Sooo pleased to be not drinking - my son came in this mornng looking for a drink - he saw my empty glass and asked if wine had been in it - I said no - he the used it to get himself a drink - and there was I thinking he didn't even know I drunk - duh - anyway going out to buy some shoes for DS and a 'treat' for me - thanks all again for your support - I don't feel able to offer any wise words - however I do like this quote and it is very apt to me ATM - when everything feels like an uphill struggle just think of the view from the top :)

Brilliant, thank you for that quote 70hours.
Hope everyone is having a good day.
Off out to lunch soon for a leaving do - haven't drunk at lunchtime for ages and won't today - might have a posh coffee afterwards as a treat and enjoy having a clear head for the afternoon

So bloody fed up. Had to pull out of the half marathon I was doing on Sunday as my leg is nowhere near well enough; fifty tomorrow and seems that husband hasn't really got a clue what to do

Can you swim Biggles? I ask that because when my friend injured her leg she did a lot of swimming to keep her fitness levels up - it might help ?

Sorry about that Biggles Have a nice bath. I hope your DH comes up trumps with something fabulous for your 50th.

I am back on day 1 (again). Haven't yet managed to get past day 6 as of yet, but am boring myself with my inability to commit to sobriety, so may manage this time. (I came on here with a decision to have an AF week, which to normal civilians wouldn't seem all that hard..)
Ah well. Still reading, still thinking. Have definitely been getting increasingly annoyed at the endless references in the media, and on MN, to booze as a normal everyday thing. Its like those idents after the ads on some programmes where the words on the screen say "Relax" and it shows a glass of wine. The my brain goes "ah, yes, wine. That's what I want. It's what all normal people do, right?"
I have 2 brains. There is my real brain, which says "No Sunday, normal people do not drink almost a whole bottle of wine alone on a Monday night as a matter of course" and there is my alkie brain which grasps onto every suggestion in the media, or as Sainsbury's local (hisss) that I buy and drink wine all the friggin time. My two brains are constantly battling it out, which is exhausting, but I can't let Alkie brain win.

Anyway, welcome 70 hours, welcome Scarf Lady. Sorry for the ramble.
Big Love to all.

Hi Everyone, 3 weeks today and has been really good overall. Have been so much more productive, have joined a gym, am eating well and lost 7 lbs last week (my drinking made me gain a lot of weight very fast). I have been waking very early though about 5am and that leaves me wrecked by this time of the day. Hopefully that will settle down with time. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Oh, bloody hell Biggies. Sounds rather hideous. I second 70hours' idea about swimming (although loathe getting in freezing water myself). Failing that - what about some power walking? Or just walking briskly if you don't want to do that stupid looking walk. Realise not the same, but still helps with fitness levels/seratonin etc. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY for tomorrow. I do hope your DH pulls something out of the bag that is commensurate with the importance of the occasion…. Can you get yourself something special to celebrate and reward yourself for your many months of sobriety?

evening all
Hello to scarf and 70
biggles so sorry about your HM. I know it doesnt help now but there will beother HMs to set your sights on once you're injury free. It is very hard not being able to run when you want/need to. Could you maybe ask GP to refer you to NHS physio? wont possibly be as clued up as a sports physio but may help you resolve your issue a bit. Happy Birthday for tomorrow. (my dh is useless with bdays too - I ordered my own presents last year then wrapped them myself and gave to kids to give to me on the day ) I hope your DH has something fab secretly planned for you.
skippy well done on 3 weeks and great weight loss

waves to everyone else

Hello everyone and thanks for the nice welcome.

70hours I shall take inspiration from your courage and shall try to plod along in your footsteps, a few days behind. I am cautiously proud of myself on day 3 - I was out for lunch and dinner (the latter in the pub, which in retrospect was possibly an unnecessary temptation) but didn't waver and to be honest didn't feel too tempted. I did, however, find myself wanting to come home quite soon after arriving - there didn't seem to be so much 'point' to the evening once it was reduced to a purely social occasion rather than an excuse to consume alcohol. Which says a lot about my need to recalibrate my priorities. But I had a nice time - am just so overwhelmingly tired (and still itchy!). Is that normal in the early days? Unlike you, 70hours I am sleeping quite well (sorry, feel guilty saying that!) but am shattered all day and finding it hard to concentrate for long.

Biggles all good wishes for your birthday - I really hope you do have a good day despite your misgivings and that you are surprised and spoiled by your family. Fingers crossed!

Night, all

Hi everyone, I'm very new to MN but have been a keen follower of many posts on here for a few months, please be gentle, I'm still learning the dos and don'ts!

I am 43 with a DH & 2 DS, 11 & 13. I have been involved with alcohol since I was around 14ish. My parents divorced when I was 10 because my mother fucked off with my neighbour, she went AWOL for 2 weeks while my DF crumbled, he was in the Merchant Navy and due back imminently, we had the 2.4 family and although he was at sea 9 months and 3 months off, it was our life, DM met him at college and they were together 5 years before I came along, although she was 4 months pregnant at her wedding at age 20.

Her leaving was a huge shock to everyone, the neighbour was a tosser and also had a DW, 2 DC. DM came back and took us to live 400 miles away to a life where we weren't welcome! She'd split up 2 families and they weren't happy about it! My SF was an alcoholic and in time a paedophile to me, then my DS! Mine and my sister's life during our teenage years was a complete and utter mess, my DF married again to an alcoholic who completely fucked our lives up, there's so much history, it would take forever!! In the end, I left home at 17, it was either that or be raped! I went into a woman's hostel, then into college halls of residence. My SF was a twat, my "D"M refused to acknowledge I was telling the truth and branded me "attention seeking" and a liar! We didn't speak for many years, in the meantime I drank, and drank and drank, took drugs and slept my way through countless idiots all the time just looking for someone to take care of me and love me the way people should.

I met my DH in '97 and he was a breath of fresh air, didn't do drugs, stable family life, long-term friends, etc so we settled, had kids and for a long time it was good, until this alcohol problem that'd been festering in the background had become a huge elephant in the room and it was suffocating all of us! My DH stopped drinking around 3 years ago because me and alcohol and him and alcohol just didn't mix, whereas I can function when drunk, he couldn't and I just didn't have time for it, it brought out the worst in our relationship and when one night, after he came home drunk, we had an argument, I refused to let him in the front door, he got in the car and fucked off, I was beside myself with worry, I was on Jury Service at the time and deliberating the next day, I left home with him passed out hoping he would take the kids to school while I went to court, I told him then and there that he could either stop drinking or leave, he stopped.

Since then I have spiralled into knowing he is always driving, knowing he will always get up during the night for the kids so I have got worse and worse and worse! I am appalled that during a week I can recycle 6 or 7 boxes of wine, I wake up to that pitying look on my DH's face as he asks me if I remember what went on last night, the look in my DS1's face when he states that he's asked his friends how many glasses of wine his friends' Mums drink and it's nowhere near the amount I have!

The humility of waking up feeling like utter shite, stopping with absolute determination until day 3 or at most 4 and feeling healthy, so 1 or 2 glasses won't hurt!! Then waking up with your shoulder blades hurting (I know it's not really my shoulders) or sitting on the loo for 40 minutes with the shits because my bowls are fucked!

I want to live my life where alcohol doesn't determine the type of person I am, doesn't determine the mood I'm in and doesn't dictate my day, I want to stop drinking because me and drink don't work and drink won't give my children a good, happy, stable mother and I'd like to have sex with my husband when I'm not drunk for once!!

Thank you

Day 1