Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

tortoise I agree about it being easier to calorie count when you are not drinking. Before when i was on weightwatchers, i used to think 'how many points for a glass of wine?' and then ignore the wine and count only the food points. Strangely enough I did not lose weight. Weird that!

morning all.
sorry not to have been on for a few days. I'm feeling rubbish
I'm on day 31, but the last few days have been very hard. I have been very close to going and buying a bottle of wine. It seems to be getting harder, not easier...what is that all about?
Think it's a combination of things really...kids have been off school, and it has rained non stop here since last Thursday (although did stop a bit yesterday) I'm anxious about money again as always it's running very low. Things with DH are rubbish, and it was our anniversary on Saturday.
I just feel so flat and rubbish and sad.
What do you do when the fog clears and everything is clear...but you don't really like what you see?
I felt so good to start with and now I just feel like crying every 5 minutes.

sorry for pathetic self indulgent moan. guess I'm just struggling at the moment.

Oh, Hyper, sorry you are having such a tough time. I think it's extremely difficult to come to terms with things not being right. When King Alcohol is in charge and we are either pissed/planning to get pissed/struggling with a hangover etc - there isn't much time to deal with (or frankly notice) any of that 'big' stuff.

I think it's sort of 'growing up'. So we have to face - and even worse DEAL WITH (at some stage) those tough things/decisions. Take responsibility etc. All that stuff that no one wants to do, really.

I find having kids underfoot all the time can be very hard. Maybe that sounds dreadful, but just how I am. Love them to bits, but when I am trying to get anything done/think/work/frankly just unload sodding dishwasher - it is 100x harder than when I am on my own and I can get resentful about it.

Don't remotely feel in a position to offer any advice, but maybe things will be easier after half term. If you have some space and peace perhaps you can have a really good think about how things are with DH and whether it's a case of working through stuff - or whether you just want out.

I find writing a gratitude list from time to time really helpful. Sounds sort of silly, but actually putting pen to paper can be a good discipline. For me, anyway. Any old stuff can go on it - from being happy the sun is shining, to having enjoyed nice coffee earlier, to having good health, lovely children, roof over head, anything really. When you start, you realise the list can get really long. I have heard people with what most people would think are really shitty lives come up with an amazing catalogue of things they are grateful for and it puts stuff in perspective and makes me feel less sorry for myself.

Which isn't to suggest things are all perfect, but can just help to right size problems so they are one thing in a sea of better things if that makes any sense.

Right - should get off MN and try to update CV. Argh! Allowing kids to play on Temple Run in slobby mummy fashion!

thanks merce.
(my kids are playing on minion rush or watching a dvd as I type LOL)

You are right. I think it is growing up. I dont want to be a grown up really...too bad I am 40 years old and have 6 dc isn't it LOL

I like the idea of a gratitude list. Im going to do that . In reality I know I DO have a LOT to be grateful for - I suppose I need to focus on that a bit more.

Hi all

hang in there hyperpops.

Just wanted to check in and say I totally get the thing about isolation. I struggle with family life too. Although they are lovely OMG it is all too much sometimes.

Have realised as mine get older how noisy it is always going to be from now on. When they were babies, they cried because they were sad, and you did your best to comfort them. then they were quiet. Now, even when all is well, there is noise ALL THE TIME. AGH!

Have been known to lock myself in the bathroom and turn radio up loud in desperation….

OMG YES to the noise. ALL. THE. TIME. and the other thing about them getting older is they tend to stay up later, and later and in fact often later than me. So there is NO ESCAPE! (when not retreating into a bottle of wine)
Inspired by this problem I have in fact this week turned the playhouse (which they never use any more) into a little quiet room for ME! I have painted the inside calming blues and pinks (left over paint we had lying around!) Sewn little curtains from an old duvet cover and stuck a garden chair in there. Then an old set of little shelves from the garage with my favourite books on and some fairy lights and little tea light lanterns. Tis lovely and I even sat out in it in the rain yesterday and read for 20 mins to escape the mayhem. Now just need to get a lock on the inside and maybe some sound proofing LOL

Definitely it's sort of finally 'growing up' - the reality of life hits you and there actually is no escape for a while. getting used to that not drinking thing takes a while. and you kind of panic and look round for the way out!

Bloody brilliant idea about turning the old playroom into a sanctuary. But you will definitely need lock and sound-proofing. I often go to bed before my two too. Oldest only 9, but has more staying power than me. Upside to that, I find, is that then BED becomes the hiding place/sanctuary. They think you are asleep - which sometimes you are - but other times I just hang out in there reading, listening to podcasts, whatever. Just BEING ON MY OWN. And then everyone goes on about empty nest syndrome and how heart-broken you will be when they leave and how you should treasure every moment and you feel guilty on top of the irritation. Or is that just me….??

Our two seem to think our bedroom is the 'family room'. they just come in, slob about, stroke the cat, stand there looking at me (14 year old ds) talk at me (dd 8), be on their phone with headphones on laughing at some appalling american trash (ds) or 'snuggly upp mumum' (dd).

The first thin we will do when we win the lottery is find a house with lots of room we can all run to..

Hi,
I've been back to the one aa meeting I really like and I'm very glad I went. I on day 3 and I'm unbelievably tired so I'm just dropping in to say hi rather than chat.

Thank you for all the encouragement- it means a lot to someone picking up the pieces and working on their sobriety again

Well done you, Guggenheim. Cheering you on. So glad meeting was good.

Hyperhops that sounds amazing! I actually have a potential room just for me in my new house, but it needs major work doing to it first - it's just bare concrete walls and no lighting at the moment. I keep intending to start the work and not getting to it, but your description sounds so lovely I might just do that.

Yes to everyone who said that wine was about isolating. I'm finding this the last hard thing. I'm actually really relieved that my husband is off today for a two week business trip, because although it leaves me solo parenting as well as working full time, it means I have EVENINGS. He's lovely, and it's not as if he chatters incessantly, or anything, but without wine I feel much more raw, and even having someone else in the room feels abrasive.

Merce I said I allotted 500 calories, not that I stuck to them! But really, I was drinking about a bottle a night on average, so that's what, 550-600?

And hurrah, Guggenheim! Early sobriety seems to come with crushing tiredness, for some reason - take it easy, ok?

Am so with you on the loving DH disappearing off on a trip. Mine never travels for work - and is a real home-body (which is lovely in a way, I realise). But my GOD I ache for being at home alone. A real, profound need which I don't think he understands. Very very occasionally he is away - and then there is that trade off between lone parenting and the joy of some evening time alone. I say the trade off is worth it….

And am ashamed to say I was nearer 2 bottles a night in the end. 700 calories a bottle. ISH. It is such a massive relief to be able to admit this sort of thing on this thread. DH who is 100% supportive, knows I am in AA etc. probably has no idea it was that bad.

Yes, the calories in the bottle.....that is why I expected to just magically lose weight. I kept thinking that the replacement calories (KFC, McDonalds, chocolate cake) would not count!

My DH is away all the time, and I think I want him home with me as I get horrifically lonely. But when he is home he drives me crackers. He is impatient with DS. I am used to doing my own thing and having my own routines then he comes home and complains because I do things differently. DS is 4 and DH completely does not get that a 4 year old is often not a rational being. I find myself waiting for when he goes away again.

Mistress said up thread that in relation to her DH getting tipsy that at least her Dcs have 1 responsible parent. Last weekend DH was so irritated with DS all the time, and I thought that it is a good thing I am getting sober so that at least my son has one rational, responsible, loving parent.

Looking at it from my DH's point of view..... well, he comes home after working away, and I and DS are our own tight little unit and he is on the outside. I try to recognise that, and counter that, but very often I do not muchlike my DH or how he thinks it is okay to respond to DS. DH has a very cold and remote family. He never learned how to parent in a warm loving way.

Anyway- you have all inspired me with your rooms. We have a teeny tiny box room that is currently used for putting the ironing pile out of sight. I have plans......

I should add a disclaimer to the cold family thing...I like DH's family alot. They are great. But the relationships are very very distant. people treat each other like someone you would bump into at the shops and you are friendly but don't quite recall their names.

7 months today . Just can't believe I am still here!

Hey,Think I may be able to find my self worth again if I keep going with this sobriety thingy.
I wish I had desk space never mind a room of my own- I know exactly what it would look like and what I would do when I escaped into it. Not sure I'd even let the sodding cat in.

With some reflection,I allowed myself to get very bored of sobriety after 13 months. I guess that I am the kind of person who like to make life hard for herself,that is just teh way my mind works. I have a huge deviant streak and I guess I missed the drama of drinking so put some shit back into my life for a bit. And I was beginning to lose all patience with my local aa. My mouth was saying " this is marvellous" but really I was thinking- " I don't know what you mean" and " please can you shut up so that someone who doesn't have 9 gazzillion years of sobriety can get a word in edgewise?"

And the best thing about going back to aa is being honest enough to just say what I think and want to say. It isn't all wonderful,some of it sucks but I've decided I want the good bits again especially the ability to be honest.

tortiose is it you who writes that brilliant blog? Thank you,it's wonderful.

Hi - I am on day 5 - something hit me today - I realised it was not normal to be soooo proud of managing 4 AF nights - so I have to acknowledge I have a problem and I can't drink normally - Joining you all on your journey - feeling sad today don't really know why but I am determined to do this - no excuses - I want to live and be healthy for my kids not some dried up old soak - Judt waiting for my sleep to get better that might help my mood.

Oh Guggenheim the 'boredom' of sobriety! How true is that!! Sometimes I'm just so fed up with always feeling the same..like on a completely straight line humming through with no change in personality kind of thing. (obviously, the personality change was vile by the nth drink, but it always started off 'nice')

The only time I feel different is running. Then I just feel exhausted, hot and cranky.

Hello 70hours. Good to have you on board. The original threads are at the top of this one, have a read if you want - see how we've all staggered through this

Hi guggenheim. I would be really interested in your thoughts about lapsing after longer term sobriety. I am struggling so much right now. I'm 7 months sober today, and on the whole, have managed ok. The early days /weeks were hard but NOW is really bloody hard too,

I just want to buy a big bottle of wine and get smashed. I'm bored of sobriety, bored of the intractable issues I am facing, bored of being relentlessly sentient and having no escape from the grinding awfulness and anxiety. Ive quarreled (again) with my partner, I adore him but it seems we just cant get past these problems. I'm tired, heartsore, anxious, depressed and although I tell myself that being pissed wont help - right now I feel that it will. This has been a growing 'want' over the last 2 weeks... Not sure how long I can /want to resist.... am so in that place where 'just one' wont hurt ...

Hey sorcha really sorry to hear that things are hard,that sounds tough.

I hope people don't mind me talking about lapsing- lets me know if it's triggering or annoying.However, I think it's important to be honest about all aspects of sobriety. I didn't think I would ever drink again,in many ways I had great recovery but...it sort of came out of nowhere and I went right ahead and did it.

I don't have an angle on it properly yet so this is what I think happened: I got bored,found life very hard for a while and fell back into drinking habits.

This is what I'm going to do differently: Take more care of my happiness. I often make life difficult forgetting how important happiness is- for recovery anyway. I need to make my life a bit more interesting to replace all the feelings i got from drinking (I suppose that alcohol took my feelings away but replaced it with cheap thrills and that did make me happy on a level)
I am going to accept that lapsing happens,it probably happens for a reason,who knows? I'm not going to poke at my feelings so much,just let them be. I'm not doing any more amends or dwell on my past.

And I hope that a by taking a much softer approach that I will maintain my sobriety as long as I am able,might not be forever.

What do you think biggles does that make any sense at all? Feel free to say " No,feck off you madwoman!"

Oh Sorcha - I am sorry too that you are having such a hard time. Like Guggenheim, feel free to ignore any of my ramblings!

Just reading back over what you wrote, it reads as if the things you are really fed up with are 'real life' things - not sobriety. So sobriety makes it harder as they are in your face (because you are sentient) and hard to ignore. But logically, that suggests that those things are the issue and not any perceived 'boredom' of being sober.

Not that that exactly makes anything easier. Implication being - massive uphill struggles as you try to work on relationship with DH, anxiety and all the other stuff. Maybe trying not to look at them all together might make it more bearable to tackle things? I have so many sodding 'to do' lists it's untrue, but sometimes I have to put blinkers on and just try to plod along and look at a single issue or I end up like a rabbit in the headlights.

I also think we can all romanticise our drinking and believe it (and we) were more 'fun' when knocking it back. I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly wasn't any fun at all by the end. Back in my 20s I was probably huge fun at parties, but as we all know it's a progressive condition and I suspect I was as much fun as a bag of sick latterly. Even the first drink probably didn't make me light-hearted/witty/charming etc - as I was already on that path - wondering where the next drink was coming from etc. And that's before you get into the shame/guilt stuff.

Really dangerous to rant on like this when you don't know the other person so honestly just ignore if of no use, but just my knee-jerk reaction. Along with massive sympathy and support, obviously. Wonder if you can be kind to yourself this evening - even if that means going to bed insanely early just to make it all stop?

I am trying to get a work proposal done and have, therefore, been dreadful mother - shoving them in front of TV for most of the day. Just awful. Realise I should have been relishing my time with them - getting stuck into crafty type activities, but hey. Didn't happen.

Sisterly waves to all x

Hi all.

Great thoughtful stuff on this thread. thanks.

Hi 70hours, how are you? How is day 5 treating you towards the evening? Come and tell us how you are getting on.

guggenheim, I know what you mean. I think I have used booze subconsciously to create a "space" - even including the hangover. just some fun. the initial fun is the first drink, maybe a night out with friends, maybe 3 drinks. that is all fine but suddenly you are home again and it is all over. then I open a bottle. I just want to stay up and if I go to bed then tomorrow, and work, is here. In the morning, sometimes, I would be so hungover I couldn't get up. So the whole next day had been sent away. (this is pre-dcs, you can't send them away with a phone call like you can your work, although, of course, even that never ends well). what would happen if you gave yourself the occasional right to behave so irresponsibly without the booze? Could you have the space without the damage, the hangover?

i think we are all working really hard to do the right thing. be present for our kids, get stuff done at work, fix our relationships, stop annoying or worrying our friends, get the finances straight, etc etc. but you know what? these things will never be done. you will go mad if you allow yourself to relax when you have ticked the last thing off your list. it will never ever happen and you will be on a treadmill your whole life. you just have to walk off sometimes and leave the list, and I think there are a lot of people on this thread who have only done so when unconscious or blind drunk. so - this becomes a reason to get unconscious or blind drunk.

Smell the flowers. It's a trite thing to say and I can't offer practical advice about how to keep all your personal balls in the air while you do this. Easier said than done. but goddammit try and smell the flowers.