Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Yup, there's one way to sort the problem drinkers from the non-problem drinkers, and that's to tell everyone you've quit, I reckon.

You guys, YOU GUYS. You know how Lucy Rocca is basically like 'stop drinking and all your wildest dreams will come true?'.

It's looking like she's kind of probably right, around here. Once you open yourself up to possibilities, and have faith that you can do more than you used to think you were capable of (and giving up drinking is a very good way to boost your self esteem; I had NO IDEA how many things I was blocking myself off from because I 'wouldn't cope'), the universe just wants to give you stuff.

Sorry. Incoherent post. Just assume that everything I type is accompanied by wild flailing excited arms.

OOOh.... Tortoise?? !!

this sounds intriguing.. you have good (great?) news?!

Hi everyone. :)

Pearl I saw the only film on at the time that fit with the babysitter- 'Tammy'. It had some funny moments, and it was good to get out. Susan Sarandon (who I love) was a bit miscast as an alcoholic grandmother, as it happens. Somehow she was meant to be a total lush, but was never incoherent and still managed to dispense warm words of wisdom on occasion. (She had to go to AA in the end though).

But, coming home I was hit with a big craving for white wine. Quite an intense one. I kept putting it off 'well, I'll drive past Aldi and if it is open then I will buy some' (it wasn't). Then I thought we had beer in the house and i would have that after the sitter went. Then the sitter went and I decided that if i still felt like it after dinner and a cup of tea then I would have it. By then the craving was over of course, but I did think it was a bit ironic i wanted to celebrate being sober by having a drink. .

It was an intense craving, but not a climbing the walls craving, and I am getting better at dealing with them, so that was probably the best part of the evening. :) (That and just getting out for some quiet alone time as well).

So, that was me.

Great to have everyone new on board and joining us. Welcome!

It did sound like a big announcement, but not exactly, no. I'm just having a thing at the moment whereby I decide I really want to find an opportunity to do X and then X appears.

So I've basically spent twenty years telling myself that I have to be practical and give up on the idea that I could be a writer, because I don't have the talent/self-discipline/marketing abilities/etc. And then I got sober and started the blog and decided fuck it, let's give it a shot.

Four months sober, that blog has been featured by Mumsnet Bloggers and Wordpress as their blog of the day, I have a healthy following, I'm writing 1-2K words per day on a novel, and today I just picked up my first writing gig for an online publication so I can start peddling a byline under my real name. None of it is particularly big stuff, but this is the first time in my adult life, I think, that I have decided that yes, I will in fact pursue a dream, and it seems to be working.

Apologies that the above sounds like such self-promotion. It's not supposed to be. It's more that - well, I guess, I read Rocca and thought - sort of snarkily, to myself - oh, yeah, sure. I'll give up drinking wine and I'll just, what, MAGICALLY turn into a professional writer and lose a stone and get up early in the mornings to go for a run, will I? SURE.

And, well, actually. Yeah, pretty much.

More importantly: that's an amazing triumph over cravings, CornChips! Well done. Sometimes it's day by day, sometimes it's minute by minute, but you did it, and I bet you don't get a craving that strong for a while again now.

Massive Pom poms for BOTH Tortoise and Cornchips!

Tortoise - I'm coming to Oz in January for two weeks. And if you are anywhere near me (because it's a teeny tiny country I hear) I will buy you a massive fizzy ginger beer to celebrate.

Happy Friday everyone. And remember, we don't drink on Fridays.

back to you Tortoise! that does NOT sound like self-promotion, that all sounds GREAT!!!! I am happy you can share your delight with us! I thought 'yeah right' to that bit of Lucy Rocca too. :)

Even such a short time in, this is changing my life also for the better in a million ways. :)

I'll say it again- isn't being sober great ?!

for all the good news on a Friday morning (and it's only 8.30 am)
Getting sober is the best kept secret in the world I reckon

Morning all. lovely to see so many upbeat posts on here today. Reminds me why I am doing this, I want that happiness I have denied myself for too long! I still cannot I lived that cycle of self-loathing for so bloody long.

Day 4 now, not really feeling any "better" per se, although I am sleeping well and when I wake up I just have this incredible feeling of "Yay" I am not hungover! still waking at night around 2 or 3 am (usually for the loo) but manage to get back to sleep fine.

Agree Lucy, it certainly is the best kept secret and I am so glad someone let me in on it, I thank you lot here and all the blogs and books I have absorbed like a sponge these last few days.

Thank you X

I just read Sober is the New Black by Rachel Black. British sober blogger. I'm sure lots of you have read it. I really enjoyed it. Good inspiring descriptions of Christmas at the end which I shall return to when we get to December! For me, she was a little humourless though. Me, I like my sober literature with a big ol dollop of gallows humour. John from The 6 Year Hangover is just hilarious.

The favourite funny thing I read yesterday (just a regular post) on the BFB Facebook group was a woman who said "the whole of last summer I sat on my ass drinking white wine coolers like it was my DAMN JOB". For some reason that really made me laugh".

Pearl, I still don't feel 100% at 27 days. But I still feel a hell of a lot better each day if that makes sense.

Hi haggis, thanks for tips on new reading material, I like humour too.

I read something this morning about Xmas and thought "oh my god, how the hell am I going to cope with that?" That's the demon talking I guess. Xmas being the only time of year where it's socially acceptable to start early; my Dad would start the day with snowballs, his theory being "well they have egg in them"

Hello again. :)

I also read Rachel Black.... and am currently almost every night reading her 'before and after' chapter on holidays, as we are going to Spain in 5 weeks and I am a bit nervous about being sober for it.

Love the fb quote haggis. It was like that for me last summer too.

God, Christmas. I am not from a Christmas celebrating background, but DH celebrates Christmas and we have his family here. I am up at 5, and putting a turkey in the oven (and pouring my first sherry of the day). I shake my head now and wonder how I even managed to get through it.

I have a wedding to go to tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it, in that it will be the first wedding in living memory that i will not be plastered at. I am driving, and instead of resenting that, I am going to really relax, let the day brings what it brings and have fun.

Had a minor hiccup today though in that I hit a car in the Aldi carpark with my trolley today. Big scratch. I waited until the owner came out and apologised profusely. She was not impressed at all. Gave her my details. . Rang DH. Thankfully he backed the car into another car in the Lidl car park about a month ago, so he could not say anything. I have saved about £400 not drinking these past few months....... if I am lucky the accident will cost no more than that.... ???

I feel awful. So, so, so shit at this.
drank an incredible amount of wine last night.

we had a work thing, I had to present and do some other high profile stuff, it went really well. everyone was saying nice things to me and I am so not used to that at work. it was amazing. And then I got trashed and ruined it. I am such an idiot.

And dp hates me again.
ugh so sorry to come on here and moan, this is such a great inspiring thread and you are doing so well. I don't want to bring anyone down. I just need a bit of a hand hold because I really don't feel at all good right now.

hand holding here, Queen. :)

Just start again. It's okay.

thanks Chips.
well done on your beating the cravings.
Don't worry about the car - the worst is over now! (I assume the worst was having to tell the other car owner and telling DH)

Hi to everyone else! Inspiring stuff on here.

I think the worst might be when we get the bill.......I am not sure, but thinking that as I hit the car with a trolley, and not my car the insurance won't cover it (?)

I am kicking myself Turned my back for a second while putting DS in his car seat. Aldi trolleys (at least this one) don;t have a wheel brake, so i was leaning it against my own car.

Grrrr.

Anyway, Queen, really.... we are here and hand holding. Small setback only. Carry on Forth.

Hi queen, wish I could say something to make you feel better, having read this thread in its entirety before I started out all I can say is that you are one of the posters I found inspirational, I hope that helps in some way? Please don't kick yourself, you can do this.

I am dreading it if I have a blip, my resolve is very very weak.. Went shopping today and saw my favourite wine on special offer, I think if I had been on my own I would have been more tempted (after all, it's Friday isn't it!) I'm grateful my oldest was with me. She has really started opening up to me the last couple of days about what a nightmare I have been in the past. I have told her I really don't ever want to get drunk ever again.

Why oh why do I still view wine as a reward in weak moments?

Thanks, Pearl.

I am so furious with myself for messing everything up, I just feel so rubbish right now,
Who was saying something about self flagellation? I really feel as if that has something in it: that I am deliberately punishing myself in some way. not feeling worthy of the good stuff that is coming my way. well, there is nothing better than drink for keeping the good stuff away from you.

I can't believe how well yesterday went until I decided to ruin it by drinking, it is a mystery to me why I did that.

Here is another mystery. the company I work for has changed a lot, has new senior management who are massively recruiting the very best in the industry. I am now working alongside people who are considered the best there are. You would think, having worked for a semi-shonky company, alongside people who were not the world's greatest, that I would now be sticking out as of the old team - not the slickest, with a long way to go. In fact it feels as if I am better regarded internally than I have ever been at any point in my career. Why is this? Some of it will be that over time, their experience and skill will rub off on me and raise my game. But this has hardly had any time to happen yet, if at all. I think I was capable of this level of performance all along, but there is something about the environment of being around excellent people, who are true team players, which is really encouraging even before they have had a chance to coach you or develop you in any way.

so this is great!

so why am I fucking everything up?

Hello!! I have been away from the thread for a few days and have come back to some fabulous posts and loads of lovely new people. Welcome to everyone and it is just so wonderful to have a safe space where we can all offload.

I have to rush off to school for (yet) another end of term extravaganza in a sec so can't be diligent about checking back and name-checking as I'd like to, but don't want to read and run.

What to order in a pub? I go for tonic water. As others said, looks like a 'real' drink so can get some people off your back if you don't want the conversation. But loved what you said, Tortoise about no one having any comment/question the second time they encountered you not drinking. Honestly, I think we obsess and stress about it more than most people - or more than 'normal' drinkers anyway. And re. the night out with mums at new school - totally feel your pain and anxiety. But I suspect the reality is there will be others not drinking or barely drinking. My kids moved school about 3 years ago (when I was still drinking) and I cringe when I think about how I behaved on my first 'mums' night out). Now I don't drink at all, but it really isn't painful and the majority of them don't drink in a 'let your hair down' way. Slight element of - am I appearing to be a killjoy, but I think important to remember that no one has surgically amputated your personality/sense of humour - just that you won't make a total idiot of yourself (for all this - obv read 'oneself' - talking about myself and assuming true for most of us…..).

The other thing I think is key is learning to love the sober life. Sort of relish the freedom from the constant nag/guilty pull of alcohol. I do believe it's so much easier to stay away if we don't think we are 'denying ourselves' a pleasure or treat. Let's face it, precisely how much pleasure were we getting from our drinking by the time we stopped/first tried to stop? Sod all in my case, that's for sure. A Hellish cycle of guilt/hangovers and attempts to dampen down all feelings - on a loop. Not much to 'give up' when you look at it like that….

Sorry - am ranting on! Just really so happy to not be in that toxic place and so aware that there are loads and loads of us apparently respectable mothers who are trapped here - almost invisibly (all looks fine on the outside, home reality v. different etc).

Mabs - you are strong. You can do it. Sending virtual hug; how utterly shit it is…. xx

Queen, that was me. It really feels that way to me too, its like "hey I am having a really great time here, lets just bloody ruin it by getting pissed, emotional and having an all out row with my dh. I'll wake up tomorrow, forget what it was about and hope he is still talking to me" kind of self-flagellation I am all too good at :(

or flip it the other way "Hey I have had a really fucking crap day at work today, lets just make it worse by getting pissed, emotional and threatening to quit my job or finish my marriage as I just love lashing out at anything and everything to make me feel WORSE THAN I DO RIGHT NOW!"

Some of my worst heavy drinking scenarios would end up one of those ways above. In between, it was just drinking to slowly dull my senses until I passed out in bed every night.

waves at merce nice to see you and you are so right, thats what I am focussing on right now, trying to learn to enjoy my life sober. To be fair life hasn't been any better or worse without wine these last few days, just exactly the same as it would have been with wine. The only difference is that I am not feeling like crap and full of self-loathing every morning.

A question I have for you ladies, might be a bit personal so please feel free to ignore; its just that my dh was feeling a bit frisky last night but I was not in the mood for it and thought, blimey I don't think I have had sex with him sober for a long long time.. sober sex! OMG who'd have thought? how on earth do I get back into the swing of that?

Ha ha. Totally agree on the nooky thing. What I can't bear now is smell of booze on DH's breath (only a normal drinker, poor bloke). Things have shifted into more of a Sunday morning vibe for us. Sorry - probably TMI!

Ha ha. Totally agree on the nooky thing. What I can't bear now is smell of booze on DH's breath (only a normal drinker, poor bloke). Things have shifted into more of a Sunday morning vibe for us. Sorry - probably TMI!

And - Mabs I think it sounds like classic low self- esteem, things are going well and in my heart of hearts I don't really think I deserve it so watch me fuck things up royally. SO been there, assuming that strikes a chord? So in a way self esteem/self-belief a big part of the fixing that needs to take place alongside booze.

Queen mab, the self sabotage issue.... that is one I am trying to work out as well. I feel almost like I do not deserve to be successful or happy, or loved, so if a bit of it comes my way I resort to a behaviour that pushes it away again. I don't know why. I am trying to figure that out also.

I was so successful and ambitious way back in the day....

I don't know why I actively harm/prevent myself from being that person.

Sober sex, Pearl. Also still a bit of a thing I am trying to work out. Sounds awful, but in many ways I am glad dH works away- the issue only comes up now and then. Our sex life is a bit problematic anyway since DS was born. I was torn about a bit and have not yet gotten into the swing of things that way anyway. (My GP when i went to see her about it recommended I drink a bottle of wine before hand to get me in the mood.... doesn't help). I can only say that we have only done it a few times since I have been sober. It took longer to warm up, but was alot better when it happened. I felt more 'present'.

Thanks everyone! feeling a bit better now with a cup of tea and all of your kind words. I appreciate it.

Be kind to yourself queen

Merce I have this problem too, he is still drinking every night; nowhere near to the extent I was but he has wanted a kiss and a cuddle and the smell of his breath really puts me off, I cant imagine passionately kissing him at the moment :(

Early days I guess, Cornchips - being more present sounds good though :)

mab you were very kind to me when I tripped and fell on my arse earlier this year. It's ok to slip now and again. In my case I think it will be again and again but as long as I am mostly sober that is a vast improvement on 'pissed every night'.

Best wishes- it will all be ok and then it will get better